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Author Topic: Reality X Irrational beliefs: how we can balance ourselves between both?  (Read 398 times)
SybilVane
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 59



« on: June 16, 2015, 11:42:35 AM »

 I would like to know how you people use to manage the situation when the BPD partner can't realize what is reality and what is a bizarre idea.

Some weeks ago, I was drinking with a friend. My BPD bf was sleeping and suddenly he awoke asking me where I was: I told him I was drinking with my friend, and so he asked to talk to him to confirm I was telling the truth. So I passed the phone to my friend. After, my BF said he had a nightmare I was cheating him and ten he wanted to confirm if the nightmare was true.

Yesterday, we had a small discussion because I felt jealous of girl he took pictures; we talked normally and in the end he said it was something in my mind and I said maybe he's right and to forget that. Before leaving work, I messaged him to say I did not want to discuss and it was ok for me, we could talk later. I left work about 18:00 hs.

I arrived at home and started to do some stuff, let my phone inside my purse. I took it about 20?30 hs and I saw some messages from him, sent about 19:30, with some videos he sent me of a pub he was. I answered the messages asking about the music that was paying in the pub, but it was too late: he started to insult me (b**tch, lier and worse) and to say it was CLEAR I have created a small discussion earlier because I wanted to go out, drink and make 'something worse'; I replied telling he was exaggerating and overreacting, that I was at home and if I wanted to go out, I could message him as I always do. Useless, he had already created the bizarre movie in his head. And AS ALWAYS, instead of asking as any noral person, he came with irrational manners, insults and telling me to 'shut up,  please read               |ing b**itch,' arguing that I took 3 hours to answer. I sent him a screen shot to make him realize I took one hour and twelve minutes, but he simply ignored and started to say things without any link with the current discussion, telling I dye my hair to have man attention and other bizarre bull**it I even havent listened. So they did as always: blocked me everywhere to have the control of everything.

We live in different countries  and I bought my ticktes to visit him next month. By my experience, he only became normal when he realize I start to really think about giving up of our reationship - since in the beggining of the problems, it was always me to apologize, to send mails, to forgive.

So, I waited until today to send him a mail. I'll reproduce here the end. I woud ike your opinion... .

"But if despite this you prefer to think I'm a witch, b***ch, lier and a lot of s***it in some garbage, and foccuse sh**t only to confirm your impulsive impression/thinking as they were reality, it's beyond my control (and you should think more about this thing I always tells you, that you confound impressions with the reality, and you do this so strongly you could distrust me because a nightmare, putting my friend in a bizarre situation... you think is healthy to think a nightmare is something true? ).

Anyway, in this case, if you are really engaged in putting everything in a garbage based in such stupid and no-value situation, it will be my last effort and the only thing to do will be cancel my ticket and never let you hear about me in your life. The moment I cancel it will be the end of the line, and all our plans and things we wanted to do together will disappear forever as well, as I will. So, it's up to you to stop and think or to choose let this bizarre and irrational hate you have inside you dominate all your heart, mind and make you totally blind for the reality and spoil all the happiness we had and we can have together."
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cloudten
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Single
Posts: 615



« Reply #1 on: June 16, 2015, 01:13:09 PM »

Well, it sounds like you not responding to text messages really triggered his abandonment fears. This happens to my BPD bf too, to this extent.  Your bf then proceeded to project and rage.

All I can tell you is what I would have done... .not that it is right. But you must remember that FEELINGS are NOT FACTS. You responded to him with fact---- something that when my BPD is in a rage does not matter. When my BPD rages, all the facts in the world do not matter... .his feeling is his reality.

SO- If this had been me, I would have set a boundary first. "If my boyfriend rages at me and calls me a F*cking B*tch, I will say goodnight and turn off my phone".  I have found that arguing and continuing the dialog doesn't make anyone feel better... .and only inflames the situation.

I would have enforced my boundary.

I would have messaged back and said. "I realize you feel like I have abandoned you by not responding to your text messages. I understand why you feel that I am cheating on you. You are not crazy for feeling the way that you feel. However, I had simply left my phone in my purse while I was ___ making dinner ____ at home. I was very tired from a long day. I'm sorry you feel the way you feel. I would feel the same way. (et cetera)."

Being a straight shooter- I would probably also say "I do not appreciate or tolerate you calling me a ***** when I did nothing wrong. Therefore, I am turning off my phone and will respond to you when you agree to be respectful of me."

Then enforce your boundary- and turn off.

That's how I have responded to the similar. Then when he comes out of his rage and can be a decent human again, hopefully expressing remorse and apologizes, then I will respond. But I do not argue or tolerate behavior like that from my BPD anymore. Boundaries are GREAT. Boundaries are for YOU- not him.
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SybilVane
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 59



« Reply #2 on: June 16, 2015, 01:44:30 PM »

Hello Cloudten, thanks for your reply... .

I know in these moments he only cares about what he feels (even if this is totally irrational) and that facts have no much value. My only hope is that when he reads that he'll feel less angry and better. He usually recognizes his 'overreactions', justifying them with a kind of 'excess of love'... .

Last time he visisted me in my country, last month, we have a big discussion and he wanted me to leave the flat (he rented a flat here since its impossible to stay at my home). I tried, in many ways, to 'make the peace', but it was useless until I decide I should leave and come back to my home.

When I left to go work and he realized I was really leaving, he changed his behaviour to say 'I'm sorry' and so, that I was 'the deepest landscape in his mind and soul' ad he could never live without me... .this kind. On this occasion, I told him how I was tired of insults, humilliations and the way he treats me as s**hit and acts as a king who needs to submit me. I decided to forgive (again). Since then he was OK, but I knew it was just a question of time to have some problem again.

I am really tired of everything, and each discussion that ends in insults and offenses kills what I feel for him.
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cloudten
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Single
Posts: 615



« Reply #3 on: June 19, 2015, 11:04:32 AM »

I certainly understand and live your feelings everyday. It is a choice to love someone like this... .every day it is a choice... .you choose to forgive, you choose to love.  It is only for you to know when you have had enough... .and lots of people around here have enough and leave.

What happened with the letter?

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SybilVane
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 59



« Reply #4 on: June 19, 2015, 01:26:46 PM »

He sent a 'friendly' email with 2 lines saying we love each other but it's impossible (at least, no insults). He already did that before more than twice. I replied, but nothing until now. Silent treatment.

I am trying to think about a deadline to cancel the tickets, if he doesnt change his mind. Sometimes I guess he'll come back only if I do this. But, by the other side, if I cancel that, I know it will be so hurtful that probably I'll give up. I don't know, I never know. He knows I have one month and a half to cancel it, I guess he's thinking I will not do that until the last second... .

Sometimes I guess I can predict what he'll do, but EVERY TIME he starts this dam*ned silent treatment I shake, I really shake... .
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cloudten
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Single
Posts: 615



« Reply #5 on: June 23, 2015, 09:39:07 AM »

It's post traumatic stress that makes you shake.

are you seeing a therapist?
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