Even on a great day... uBPDw tries to bring me crashing down

[CastleofGlass]

So the last week or so has been pretty good in the house. My MIL came down to help with the kids as my wife is at 36 weeks pregnant and miserable. I mean, completely miserable. Some of her anger has come purely from "get this f'ing kid outta me". I bust my ass around the house as I have been for a while now. Last Thursday, my wife and MIL went to a couple stores and she came home with my Father's Day gift. She was so excited about it, she wanted to give it to me early. I was floored, it was The Witcher 3 on Xbox One. She also bought the extra content and reupped my Gamestop Rewards for another year. All without any input from me. It was amazing! So yesterday was going even better. The Blackhawks won the Stanley Cup (my fav hockey team), I made my final car payment after 9 exhausting years of payments and a certain remake of a video game from my teenage years was announced. Now, I am a video game fanatic. In my intro post I spoke of my video game playing from my early childhood years all the way into adulthood. I don't play anywhere near the hours I played even during this marriage and that has been noticed, hence my wife buying me a video game for Father's Day. Originally, I thought this game was only going to be for the Playstation 4 and so I came in the living room and sat down and said "Oh man, it figures." My wife asked what I was talking about. I told her about this game and how it seems it is only going to be for PS4. She looked at me with no expression and said in a firm tone "We aren't buying a Playstation 4". Of course, in my mind, I was pretty irritated at that statement and even marriages with no one having BPD will have this kind of response. But, I did what I always do, I kind of joked about it. I said "Oh, well there goes my hopes and dreams all crushed." She muttered something and then I looked at her and said "I don't expect you to understand."

That last statement... .doomed me. Even though I was joking, we all know she didn't take it that way. Now, after I said it, she muttered something else and we moved on. She remained quiet for the remaining 1 and a half hour I was awake. I went to bed before her because I have to get up early for work. Well, I sent her a good morning text this morning as I do everyday. I heard nothing for about 3 hours. Then I got a text:

"Ha. Not speaking to me now? U were the one who decided to insult me by saying u wouldn't expect ME to understand ur constant need to upgrade and acquire more things. I didn't deserve that. But im sure u will find someone who will "get" u soon enough."

Well, that end sentence is a jab at some previous mistakes I made. I had 2 different female friends I met in the past 3 years that had no romantic involvement. It was me trying to reach out for advice on my marriage and things I could do to make it better. This was all before I found out about BPD. I no longer speak to those 2 individuals.

So, at this point in the past, I would have been pissed. I'm at the point now of being married almost 9 years that I'm tired of these stupid comments. But, I have been trying to apply what I have read about on here and this was my response:

"I am speaking to you. I sent you a message at 740 this morning."

Her response:

"Miraculously, I never received it."

So I resent the good morning message and also tried SET:

"I love you and I can understand you feel insulted. I was joking when I made those comments last night."

I left it at that. She didn't acknowledge the text. Then I asked how our 11S is today because he is sick and she said "Fine." This has been all I have received today and to tell you the truth, this is where I need to keep working on me. I'm having a good day but this just brings me down. I don't a person in my world to be excited for me about the car payments. I mean, why the hell am I even married? Why does anyone with BPD deserve to have a family? I try to hold on to moments like her giving me that Father's Day gift or other great things she has done for me but times like this... .it's childish and people like that deserve nothing.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[joshbjoshb]

She didn't try to crush you down.

She was hurt.

Maybe for no reason (to me it sounds like you were upset and hiding it with cynicism), but just understand that this is why she acts this way.

She doesn't know how to say "I was so sad because what you told me, because now I feel nothing, and I always feel nothing and you made it feel worse" so instead she says other words.

But learn to listen to the inside story... .

[Hmcbart]

Castle, you and I seem to be alike in many ways. I also deal with some of the negative comments my wife makes by making a joke of it. And like you found out, our wives don't share our sense of humor. And when we do make a joke it is very often seen as a jab at them when we are really making light of our own feelings.

I'm no pro at dealing with this but my guess is it has to do with being enmeshed. When in this state you don't have seperate feelings and emotions, you have one set. So when you make fun of your own feelings on something, to her you are saying that about her feelings. Because in her reality there aren't two of you but one.

Wow that was pretty deep even for me but also could be totally off base.

On a side note, the fact that your wife did that for you for Father's Day is awesome. She was actually thinking of your happiness. I'm not holding my breath on receiving anything for Father's Day. Her Mother's Day was awful and I was blamed for 100% of it. If she does even acknowledge Father's Day it with be as a way of saying see what I did for you and you didn't do for me. Or she will be upset and get me something and then take it away because I don't deserve it in her eyes.

[formflier]

 

Great post... .

There is lots of stuff to work with here... .

Roll back to

I don't expect you to understand.

How could you have said the same thing... differently.

Roll back to

"we are not getting a playstation 4... ."  What could have been done to turn the tide here... ?

Hint... think about being thankful... .thing about how you felt with her taking care of you... .getting you a present... .



FF

[CastleofGlass]

She didn't try to crush you down.

She was hurt.

Maybe for no reason (to me it sounds like you were upset and hiding it with cynicism), but just understand that this is why she acts this way.

She doesn't know how to say "I was so sad because what you told me, because now I feel nothing, and I always feel nothing and you made it feel worse" so instead she says other words.

But learn to listen to the inside story... .

Yes Josh, you were 100% on this statement. In the years we have been married, I have become angry at her outbursts and the ways she approaches things. In the past, retaliation has only made it worse and so has becoming defensive so this was my evolution of those two things. I make jokes, but there is an underlying tone to them and I do realize this. It is still very hard for me to approach differently because at the end of the day I sit here and think, I'm a 32 year old father of 4 with a 5th coming and yet my wife acts like my mother. All of this over me mentioning this new game coming out on a gaming console I don't own. I didn't even say I was going to buy it and I am not also that kind of person. I don't buy everything as it comes out to keep up with the times. In this situation, I was merely stating my disappointment out loud and she wasted no time in adding to it with the "we're not getting a Playstation 4" comment. It's irritating that even something so simple as making that statement on my end gets nothing but more gut punching from this person I am supposed to spend the rest of my life with. I mean, come on.

[CastleofGlass]

Great post... .

There is lots of stuff to work with here... .

Roll back to

I don't expect you to understand.

How could you have said the same thing... differently.

Roll back to

"we are not getting a playstation 4... ."  What could have been done to turn the tide here... ?

Hint... think about being thankful... .thing about how you felt with her taking care of you... .getting you a present... .



FF

Well, after she had said "we are not getting a playstation 4" I could have easily said "Oh no, I know that honey. I was just thinking my frustrations outloud." I know that statement would have ended the whole thing even before my "I don't expect you to understand" comment. The problem FF is that I knew exactly what to say and a lot of times, I do know the better thing to say. The problem I still have is, I don't feel it's the better thing to say. I feel it's the tuck my tail between my legs and bow down to her statement.

I feel an inner rage that is developing more and more with each dysregulation. Now knowing she has BPD and what BPD entails, has almost made this inner rage more focused. I'm really starting to get irritated with having to deal with this kind of crap from a spouse. I have been saying so many things under my breath lately when she dysregulates and I cannot disconnect her emotions from mine. I have been trying and it still isn't working. When she dysregulates I can't help but feel why am I still here? Good moments to hold on to or not, mental illness or not, this is BS.

[formflier]

 

There is something to be said for trying to "keep your side of the street clean"... .regardless of how messy the other side is.

I currently am struggling in this area... .have a thread about trying to make sure I own my part.

I'm torn between "giving in to an unreasonable demand"... .or is this an issue I need to look at in myself... .somehow... .I need to work on this.

I say this because when I read your post... .it seems you acknowledge there is part of the way you are "dancing" interacting with your wife that is not helpful.

If that is the case... .what steps can you take to "clean up your side of the street".

If I have misread... .misunderstood... .let's keep talking... .

FF

[formflier]

 

Quick question.

Is your wife diagnosed?  In treatment... .?

Can you catch us up on the status of things?

FF

[CastleofGlass]

Quick question.

Is your wife diagnosed?  In treatment... .?

Can you catch us up on the status of things?

FF

She is not diagnosed or in treatment at all. It was suggested to me from my T a couple months ago after describing my marital history that my wife most likely suffers from this. After researching on my own and even reading many of the stories here, I would wager my life on her having BPD. 9 years of history to go off of when comparing to a pwBPD is plenty.

The thing is FF, I feel I know a lot of the correct answers and things I need to do to make this situation better. The problem is, none of these answers fix everything. This is my analogy on knowing she has BPD, her not knowing she has BPD and me using all the tools on this website:

Let's say you have a leaky radiator. Everyday when you commute back and forth to work, you have to pay close attention to your temps because you could overheat the engine and "kaboom"! You don't have the money to replace this radiator (this would be wife not knowing about BPD or getting treatment), but there is a solution for the time being. You carry a gallon of distilled water in the trunk for when the radiator starts to dry up (this would be all the helpful links and discussions with other nons about coping with my uBPDw). It is a great solution, I only spend a few dollars every week or so when my radiator starts to dry out and my engine begins to run hot again. Then, one day, your engine begins to overheat on the way to work. You pull up in the parking lot and grab your distilled water from the backseat. Now, normally, you wait for about 20-30 mins for everything to cool down before opening the cap because of the built up heat and pressure (in other words, you wait a while during a dysreg to apply your SET). On this day, you completely forget to wait and you pop the cap on the radiator. All of a sudden an explosion of scalding hot water shoots from the spout like a volcano. During your sudden "Oh sh*t" reaction, you knock the distilled water jug over and it spills out all over the ground. Now, you have nothing to put in your radiator and you need to get inside to work. "I'll just deal with it later you say." At the end of the day of work, you get in your car and start the commute home. You are beat, exhausted and just had enough of this day. You also, forgot about your radiator fiasco from this morning. On the drive home, you look down and see you are overheating... ."crap". You just need to get to the next exit and stop at the grocery store and get some distilled water. Well, I know another trick to get my vehicle there without blowing my engine (more methods of dealing with a pwBPD), I'll just get up to 80 mph and then cut the car off and coast. I will keep doing this till I get to my destination. Finally here and engine still intact. You go in and buy your distilled water and come back out to the car. Well, I don't want to wait for it to cool down again and I remember what happened this morning so, I'll just try my speed up and coast method, I only have 10 miles to go then I'll have my distilled water for tomorrow. Well, you get about 5 miles up the road and "pop"... .your engine is done... .

The way I feel using this analogy is... .yes, I have some tricks and methods to help deal with this situation now, but at some point, the radiator still needs to be changed (wife needs treatment and needs to be actually diagnosed) or it doesn't matter what methods I use, the engine will still blow up because no one can be perfect in using these methods all the time. We are individuals, we have our own emotions and situations everyday that we deal with as well. We can't always 100% be the caretaker because we will have that "bad day" of our own and on that day, the engine may go boom.

[GaGrl]

I think that when life with a paID is going well, it's tempting to think one can relax and banter or joke as if that person can accept the humor. And that's not the case. You really don't know how it is being filtered by the poPE at that moment.

[CastleofGlass]

I think that when life with a paID is going well, it's tempting to think one can relax and banter or joke as if that person can accept the humor. And that's not the case. You really don't know how it is being filtered by the poPE at that moment.

Can you clarify what paID and poPE are?

[Hmcbart]

I feel an inner rage that is developing more and more with each dysregulation. Now knowing she has BPD and what BPD entails, has almost made this inner rage more focused. I'm really starting to get irritated with having to deal with this kind of crap from a spouse. I have been saying so many things under my breath lately when she dysregulates and I cannot disconnect her emotions from mine. I have been trying and it still isn't working. When she dysregulates I can't help but feel why am I still here? Good moments to hold on to or not, mental illness or not, this is BS.

There is a book called Stop Caretaking the Borderline / Narcisist. In it it talks about the stages of grief. 1st is denial, 2nd is Anger. This is where I am at and from the sounds of it so are you.

These stages are the same for the loss of a loved one and can be very strong emotions. I think my denial stage lasted 19 years. As I said, I'm at the anger stage myself. I've come to the realization that I may never receive the love and affection that I want or need from my wife and I'm mad about that. I'm mad at myself for not noticing these things 20 years ago. I'm mad at myself for not standing up for what I want more often. I'm mad at her for not being able to see things from any perspective but her own.

I'm will soon be in and may already be in the bargaining stage. I have us back in MC even though it may not help. I'm bargaining with her for things I want.

In the book it talks about additional stages to stop being a caretaker and breaking he cycle/ triangle. I'm not finished with the book but I know the ending is what I choose to make it, happy or sad.

[GaGrl]

I think that when life with a paID is going well, it's tempting to think one can relax and banter or joke as if that person can accept the humor. And that's not the case. You really don't know how it is being filtered by the poPE at that moment.

Sorry... .Autocheck again. I meant pwPD (person with a Personality Disorder).