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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: I thought I was done  (Read 349 times)
ShaSha

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« on: June 16, 2015, 11:55:50 AM »

So we finally made it through bdays, awards, banquets, and lastly graduation this past Friday.  My SO's d18 graduated last Friday YEAH! and we are officially (or should I say legally) DONE! uBPDxw has been sending me a barrage of nasty emails telling me I'm not welcome at all these events and I am a selfish terrible woman-blah blah blah.  I haven't responded Since my last email (4mo ago) which I closed the door for any communication & enforced my boundary of NC.  At graduation, d18 did not hug me, acknowledge me, or even say thank you that I was there.  The week prior at the awards ceremony, she was sweet and plentiful with the hugs... .Little did I know (at the time) that uBPDxw was within view, scoping the whole situation. So she also saw me speak to her mother (uBPDxw's mother who most likely is also a pwBPD) whom uBPDxw is NOT speaking to for the past couple years.  My SO tells me this is a cycle that has perpetuated for many years and is now becoming a pattern for eldest d22.  At graduation, uBPDxw yells at me as I'm walking to the parking lot... ."you weren't invited b***h"... .Of course when I'm far enough away that I'd have to turn around & walk back to confront her so I just ignored her especially at a Christian school! So yesterday, I get an email from uBPDxw wanting to take me up on my offer from 6 months ago to take her to lunch for a "discussion".  On one hand I'm curious and the peacemaker I am thinks "maybe it would work". On the other hand, I'm done and there is no reason to even have her in our lives.  My SO wants to get an RO as she's been raging & very dysregulated the last couple months.  I know the abandonment is coming up as d22 lives down the street from us and d18 will be leaving for college in Aug.  I'm so sick of all this drama and toxicity, it has taken a toll on my spirit.  My dilemma is these poor girls... yes they are now adults... .yes they make their own choices... .yes I love them... .but the emotional toll this has taken on me is devastating yet they toll they are dealt is so much worse!  At least I have a somewhat "normal" loving family that talks things out.  So in essence, the only healthy role models are my SO, myself & my family.  I want so bad to be done & no longer be involved but these girls need a strong feminine role model to counteract their "helpless" mother. Is it beneficial to meet with uBPDxw for the sake of the girls?  I don't want them to have to continue to "choose" yet I also want to model healthy communication.  Is it possible to have a healthy conversation with a pwBPD?  Will pwBPD rage and dysregulate in a public setting?  Ive been feeling very vulnerable and weak lately as the stress has become insurmountable so much that Friday sent me into a hysterical meltdown in the parking lot.  Typically I shake it off & dismiss her craziness but lately I've become affected by it and justify to myself & SO all the things I am that she is NOT.  I second guess myself now on everything & put her down to make myself feel better.  This is not who I am nor who I want to be.  I'm finding it very difficult to take care of myself and wanting to just disappear from all the responsibility I hold in my life.  I'm angry all the time.  I feel hopeless often.  My first instinct is flight-to run-to run away from my SO, his crazy family, and all this overwhelming negativity.  I feel like I'm under a magnifying glass & every move I make is judged, criticized, and humiliated.  I'm not myself lately and need to find out how to get me back... .I suppose this is what it feels like for non's in a r/s with a pwBPD... .aka crazy making.  Thank you for letting me vent & safely expose my vulnerabilities.

Your thoughts, suggestions, input always helps me to feel better.

Thank you for being there BPD family especially when no one else really gets it!

Shasha
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Nope
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
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« Reply #1 on: June 16, 2015, 04:16:00 PM »

My two cents are this: You are as done or not done as you want to be. There will still be weddings, baby showers, grand children's birthdays, etc. The adult kids will always be in the middle because their mom will always put the there. But you get to decide how much all of this will impact your life.

It's pretty clear that every abandonment issue their mom has is in full swing and you are getting caught as the target of all sorts of rage because of that. She needs somebody to blame and she needs somebody to make hurt as much as she is hurt. While I think once things calm down maybe a sit down would help, but right now it sounds like she is just horribly dysregulated and is using your old offer to finally get some sort of reaction out of you.

Mostly you sound like you are overwhelmed and just need a break. My T tells me that when I get like that what I really need is more quiet time and self care.
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Panda39
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Relationship status: SO and I have been together 9 years and have just moved in together this summer.
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« Reply #2 on: June 16, 2015, 08:29:29 PM »

Hi ShaSha,

If it were me, I would pass on the "discussion" with the ex and develop individual relationships with the girls they are both adults now and can decide who they want to be in contact with and spend time with.  Let the girls know you want continue your relationship with them but have boundaries about their mom.  So some events you might not attend (things that include the ex) but you would love to do other things together (that don't include the ex).  Leave the door open for the girls and let them decide what kind of relationship they want with you.  Just take the ex out of the relationship you have with the girls.

Sounds to me like this 'discussion" she wants to have is really going to be a FOG machine running full blast.

And I agree with Nope it sounds like things have gotten pretty intense surrounding graduation so now is probably a good time to take a break and make some time for yourself.  Step away from the chaos and clear your head, then you can come at this again later when you're fresh and have the energy to deal with things.  Making decisions when you're burnt out often means not making the best decisions.

Take care 

Panda39
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"Have you ever looked fear in the face and just said, I just don't care" -Pink
ForeverDad
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You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...


« Reply #3 on: June 16, 2015, 10:16:34 PM »

Is it beneficial to meet with uBPDxw for the sake of the girls?  I don't want them to have to continue to "choose" yet I also want to model healthy communication.  Is it possible to have a healthy conversation with a pwBPD?  Will pwBPD rage and dysregulate in a public setting?

PwBPD often can be triggered by events such as births, birthdays, weddings, funerals, vacations, moves, holidays, and yes, even graduations.  Clearly, in her mind she simply had to verbally strike out to you, it was required.  And somehow getting her daughter, knowing she was being monitored, to ignore you was no doubt very important to her.

First, the ex knows her last piece of ordered contact - for a minor child - is over.  Clearly D18 not recognizing you at her graduation is due to her pressure and/or manipulation.  You know that nothing good would come of a meet, you can't reason with someone refusing to be reasonable and she won't truly listen to anything you say.  There just too much emotional baggage in the way for her.  It would just be another ragefest or blamefest to tie you up emotionally in knots and she would walk out whistling.  She might not rant or rage, based on what she did when leaving the school she knows very well how to get her jabs in without consequences, you know deep in your heart it would be a trap and she has the ability, experience and skill to verbally and emotionally stab you all over.

Think about this aspect too... .your SO is contemplating seeking a No Contact order against her.  So why in the world would you contemplate doing the opposite and agree to a meeting with her, something she wants only now that the legal parenting phase is over?

You Know very well that if you meet with her she won't respond well to anything you say.  And if she can trigger you to lash out or do or say anything the least bit assertive or aggressive - or can be twisted to appear so - expect her to claim you were threatening and she would be the one seeking protection from you rather than the other way around!  That risk is not far-fetched.  Be aware.  Beware.  Keep your distance.  Don't throw fuel on her fire.  (This last worry about her trying to make you feel, look and maybe even proclaimed worse than her is a carryover from my years on the Family Law board - just when you think it ought to be over, they find a new way to rake you over the coals.)

As I've read here now and again... .the best vengeance is to live a good life.

Second, Let both Ds know that they are now both adults, they have no legal requirement to have contact with their mother or to jump at her beck and call, whether demanded, obligated, guilted or manipulated.  (FOG = Fear, Obligation, Guilt)  Yes, they now have the freedom to shout, "Free At Last!"  Can they do that?  Now you can be unrestrained in sharing with them all the skills, strategies and perspectives you've learned here in peer support.  Your efforts would be far better spent helping them how to learn to live their lives well and stand strong on their own two feet.  Well, four feet, I guess.  Anyway, validating them in the years to come would be much more wiser and rewarding than letting the ex invalidate you.

I hope this helps.  By the way, I wrote this before reading any of the replies.  I suspect many of them will echo my thoughts and surely more observations I didn't include.
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bravhart1
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« Reply #4 on: June 17, 2015, 12:07:42 PM »

When I feel like my DH'x is getting me down much like you described its time to remind myself of my choices.

When BPDxgf tries to call me names, send horrible accusing emails or send ugly threats with SD6, I remind myself this is a VERY angry, unhappy person who is trying to share that anger and unhappiness with me. She would LOVE nothing more than for me to be as angry and unhappy as she is. Much like a waitress walking around a party with a tray of appetizers, when BPD mom extends that tray of anger and unhappiness just say no thank you and walk away.

I promise you won't be sorry.

If you meet with her, if you dwell on her actions and her comments, you are intentionally accepting and welcoming her anger and unhappiness inside of you.
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ShaSha

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« Reply #5 on: June 19, 2015, 11:58:53 AM »

Thank you all for your kind words and reminders.  I've scheduled a weekend away for just myself (and my dog) and have an appointment to see a new T next week.  I haven't been in therapy for 6 yrs but I think it's time for a tune up.  It's so interesting to me that I really do know the answers to my questions inside but is helpful to have someone else bring it to the surface.  I'm not accustomed to feeling fragile so self doubt ensues, therefore I have maintained NC and have no desire to meet with x.  I'm going to meet with me.

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Panda39
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Relationship status: SO and I have been together 9 years and have just moved in together this summer.
Posts: 3462



« Reply #6 on: June 19, 2015, 01:38:32 PM »

I'm going to meet with me.

Good plan and much better company!  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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livednlearned
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« Reply #7 on: June 19, 2015, 01:58:31 PM »

Hi ShaSha,

Just wanted to echo what others are saying.

One of the best ways to model a good example for the girls is to take care of yourself. Right now is not the time to be meeting with bio mom -- she is dysregulated, and you are really feeling the strain of having her in your life. If I had been through what you've been through, my guess is that the girl's emancipation would be one heck of an emotional punctuation mark to a very stressful arrangement. Maybe it's grief and relief happening together. I always find that my emotions are most intense when there are two strong and conflicting feelings going on. Relief because a chapter is over. Grief because having someone else to focus on tends to distract us from other things we might not want to face. Exactly like you said, people with BPD give us plenty of opportunity to feel better than them.

It takes a tremendous amount of centering and strength to be in a relationship with someone who has BPD. Do you have a good relationship with the girls? I would focus on them and their growth by discussing your relationship with biomom directly with the girls, if you feel that's appropriate. Would you feel comfortable letting them know that their mom reached out for a conversation with you? You can role model good boundaries for them, while showing them you know that they come as a package with their mom, whether in legal terms or not.  Perhaps let them know you want to regroup and take care of yourself first -- you won't be sitting down with bio mom now, but that is about your mental health, not hers, and you consider it self-care. Maybe one day there will be a time when you can sit down with bio mom (she will always be a part of your life as long as the girls are there) when you are in a good place.

That lets the girls know that sometimes we have to take breaks from people (especially when we have the choice), and the reason is not to punish the other person, but to take care of ourselves. I have to imagine that the girls will one day make a similar decision when/if their mother's behavior becomes too extreme.

Bending over backwards to accommodate a bully is not the role model the girls need. What they need is exactly what you're doing -- taking some time to look after yourself, and reaching out for a tune-up and peer support. That's healthy  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

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Breathe.
GaGrl
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« Reply #8 on: June 19, 2015, 03:38:21 PM »

I have been in the presence of my DH's ex only once in the past 8 years. When she moved 1500 miles to live 1 mile from DH's daughter and grandaughter, she simply wasn't as much of a presence, and she backed off of communications with DH.

I found then that my relationship with my stepchildren flourished as adults who were interesting, loving young people. My SD certainly looks to DH and me for advice and support when her uNPD/BPD mother goes off the rails, but SD has learned her lessons well.

It really is different when they become adults, but it takes time and patience to walk beside them on their own journey.
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