Hostile interrogations have begun again

[Traumatized]

Her angry, hostile interrogations of me where she demands I admit to something I didn't do have started up again.  

She accuses me of motives I do not have and then calls me a liar because I won't admit to them.  She puts a lot of pressure on me and yells really loud.  I am a sensitive person and it's physically and emotionally so upsetting that I literally start shaking and dry heaving.

I'm too scared to respond to her right now, which pisses her off even more.  I feel like anything I say, other then YES I DID IT!, followed by an explanation of why I did it (even thought I didn't do it to begin with), is going to be the wrong answer and make her even more furious.  

She doesn't go for the, "let's talk later when you're calmed down," line because she thinks that's evasive and wants answers NOW with no excuses.  Plus she never truly calms down anyway.  Until this is resolved she will always be boiling with anger right below the surface and can turn into an erupting volcano on a moments notice.

I feel like a P.O.W. with a gun to my head with someone screaming that if I don't confess, that they will blow my brains out.  It's impossible to have a rational, reasonable, calm, conversation with her.  It's all of her wrath and rage directed towards me times a thousand.  It's a no win situation and I feel like I'm reliving a nightmare I thought I'd never have to live again.

The sad thing is that we had been getting along good for a long time.  Not smoothly of course because there's always drama and ups and down, but it's been good enough where I haven't had to come here to post on this message board.  Now she's threatening to cut me out of her life again unless I come clean and admit what I liar and malicious person I am.

Any thoughts, help or suggestions for me?  I'm desperate.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Daniell85]

You sound very shaken up. 

What set her off? What is it she is wanting you to admit to?

[Traumatized]

You sound very shaken up.  

What set her off? What is it she is wanting you to admit to?

She had an important meeting to go to and I volunteered to give her a ride.  I had spent the night with her and we were supposed to walk down to my car together because I had to move it by a specific time to avoid getting a ticket.

She said she needed a few more minutes to get ready and would be right down, so I sat in my car and anxiously waited for her.  I noticed my gas tank was on empty and wanted to get a gallon or two of gas just to be on the safe side because we had a long way to go through heavy rush hour traffic.  It would have taken me 15 minutes to get the gas, but since she'd said she'd be right down I didn't want to leave and have her come down wondering if I had abandoned her.  She also would have had to stand on her two painfully swollen feet for a long time and I didn't want that to happen.  

20 minutes went by and I called her to see what was going on?  She said she'd be down in 5 minutes and abruptly hung up the phone.  Since 5 minutes still wasn't enough time for me to get gas, I sat and waited some more.  Another 30 minutes went by before she finally came down and got into my car.  I told her I needed to get gas real quick and she flipped out right away!  She said I had had plenty of time to get gas while I was waiting for her and that I was intentionally trying to sabotage her.  I reminded her that both times she told me she'd be right down and I didn't want to leave her standing on her bad feet, but that wasn't a good enough answer for her.  No, in her mind it was all about sabotage and I was a liar and a horrible person because I wouldn't admit to it.

The whole way there she spouted off her angry and absurd accusations at me.  I tried to remind her that I was helping her by giving her a ride and it made no sense for her to say I was trying to hurt her.  For the sake of peace, I decided to skip getting the gas and take my chances.  To my amazement I got to where she was going without running out gas and dropped her off with plenty of time to spare for her meeting... .which went really well.

Later that day she sent me a slew of angry texts telling me what a liar I am and how I wanted to ruin her life because I hated myself.  I didn't respond to any of them and didn't speak with her for a week until she called me tonight.

Right away she started with the hostile interrogation and demanded I admit to intentionally trying to sabotage her and that I was a liar.  The interrogation was so intense that I had an emotional flashback to when she used to do this to me in the past and I started shaking.  Then she brought up those false accusations from the past and when I didn't admit to them either she hung up on me.  She proceeded to send me another slew of angry texts and now she says that she's done with me.  

[Daniell85]

I just joined this site, but I kind of think if you are feeling traumatized from this, the first person you need to take care of and comfort is your own self.

As far as her, she has quite a rage going on. I wouldn't answer the telephone next time she calls. In fact, since she sent so many texts, I would answer and  tell her that you understand she is upset, and that you would like to talk under better conditions. In the meantime, you are taking a couple days break.

Hopefully someone else will come along and give you better advice.

[Oooohm]

Time for a "Lessons" review.

Spend your free time over the next couple of days (Avoid contact with her) and re-read all the sub-topics in Lessons 3,4, and 5.  on the right >> >> .

Try to connect specific items discussed to the situation that just happened to you and how you could have handled things differently.

By the way... .she made you wait at the curb for 45 minutes... .to prevent you from being justifiably upset with her, she took her first opportunity to "pound" you first. You don't have to be mean, or over bearing... .but you do need to calmly stand up.

Read, Read, Think about it, Read some more... .  Ask some questions here.

[Traumatized]

I just joined this site, but I kind of think if you are feeling traumatized from this, the first person you need to take care of and comfort is your own self.

As far as her, she has quite a rage going on. I wouldn't answer the telephone next time she calls. In fact, since she sent so many texts, I would answer and  tell her that you understand she is upset, and that you would like to talk under better conditions. In the meantime, you are taking a couple days break.

Hopefully someone else will come along and give you better advice.

Welcome to the site and thank you for your input.  I had already sent her a text saying I know that she's angry, but that's as far as I got.  She then demanded to know WHY I thought she was angry and I was going to reply with a validating statement, but I got so shaky that I had to stop.  No matter what I say, unless it's that I'm a liar and intentionally tried to sabotage her, her response is going to vicious and I just can't deal with that right now.  My nerves are shot.  I've got plenty of other major issues in my life I'm dealing with and the last thing I need is to relive the trauma of what happened a little under two years ago.  You're right I should take care of myself, and even though I'm not good at it, I am trying.  I have a long way to go.

[Traumatized]

Time for a "Lessons" review.

Spend your free time over the next couple of days (Avoid contact with her) and re-read all the sub-topics in Lessons 3,4, and 5.  on the right >> >> .

Try to connect specific items discussed to the situation that just happened to you and how you could have handled things differently.

By the way... .she made you wait at the curb for 45 minutes... .to prevent you from being justifiably upset with her, she took her first opportunity to "pound" you first. You don't have to be mean, or over bearing... .but you do need to calmly stand up.

Read, Read, Think about it, Read some more... .  Ask some questions here.

Thank you for the reminder that I need to go over the lessons.  I haven't been on this site in a while and I was scrambling to find whatever quick tips I could to deal with this crisis when I was right in the middle of it.

Yes, she sure did pound me first.  She knew I had to move my car by a certain time and she had promised she would be ready by that time, but she wasn't.  She was 50 minutes late and her excuse was that I should know when she says she'll be ready in 5 minutes it means more like 25.  In her mind when I was waiting for those 50 minutes I got so angry that I devised a plan that would destroy her life.  In reality all I was thinking about was moving my car before I got a ticket, having enough gas to get her where she was going and getting her there on time.  But she doesn't believe that and there's no convincing her otherwise.

[married21years]

two things i would consider are projection and gaslighting.

please read up on these subjects. 

this may throw some light 

[formflier]

  I haven't been on this site in a while and I was scrambling to find whatever quick tips I could to deal with this crisis when I was right in the middle of it.

I would encourage you to stick around.  This place is great when you are in a pinch... .plenty of people to help point you in the right direction.

This site is best and long term understanding of the disorder... .and helping to train people to use the tools as "second nature"

Personal recommendation:  Look at lessons on validation... .I'm still struggling in that area.  It feels clumsy to me...

Hang tough... .don't JADE.   

FF

[Yaffle]

Sounds so familiar. 

As with what the others said read the lessons.  I really struggle with validation and not JADEing but actually find that bits of the lessons creep in subconsciously.  They also help you understand the other persons emotions which I find helps me not take things so much to heart which in turn means I can remain calmer so that I don't unintentionally make things worse by losing my temper and saying the wrong thing.

[Traumatized]

two things i would consider are projection and gaslighting.

please read up on these subjects.  

this may throw some light  

She is a master of those two subjects.  She is a also a triangulation wizard!  As soon as she thought I was trying to sabotage her, she immediately got on the phone with a friend and told her the horrible thing I had done to her.  

I don't know how many times she's put someone on speaker phone so I could hear their conversation.  I tell her I don't want to hear it, but she doesn't care.

[formflier]

   I tell her I don't want to hear it, but she doesn't care.

Can you walk away?

FF

[Traumatized]

I feel really bad because she is someone I deeply love and care for.  It hurts me that she feels so deeply hurt .  It hurts me that she believes that I am responsible for her hurt.  It hurts me that she thinks I intentionally tried to harm her and am a liar who won't admit it.  It hurts me that there is nothing I can do to change her mind about this.  It hurts me that I am once again stuck in a no win situation and back living in a total nightmare.

   

[formflier]

I feel really bad because she is someone I deeply love and care for.  It hurts me that she feels so deeply hurt .  It hurts me that she believes that I am responsible for her hurt.  It hurts me that she thinks I intentionally tried to harm her and am a liar who won't admit it.  It hurts me that there is nothing I can do to change her mind about this.  It hurts me that I am once again stuck in a no win situation and back living in a total nightmare.

So... .who has the power to make you hurt... .or make you happy?

FF

[Traumatized]

   I tell her I don't want to hear it, but she doesn't care.

Can you walk away?

FF

Sometimes I leave the room, but other times it's not so easy... .like when we're in the car.

[Traumatized]

I feel really bad because she is someone I deeply love and care for.  It hurts me that she feels so deeply hurt .  It hurts me that she believes that I am responsible for her hurt.  It hurts me that she thinks I intentionally tried to harm her and am a liar who won't admit it.  It hurts me that there is nothing I can do to change her mind about this.  It hurts me that I am once again stuck in a no win situation and back living in a total nightmare.

So... .who has the power to make you hurt... .or make you happy?

FF

She has a lot of power to hurt me because my feelings run so deep for her, but I think I know what you're saying.  That my happiness is up to me and the only power people have to hurt me is the power I give them.

[formflier]

Sometimes I leave the room, but other times it's not so easy... .like when we're in the car.

...

Pull over and get out... .take the key with you.

Big deal... .take the key with you... .

The car is tough... .if it doesn't get better... than maybe avoid being in car together...


FF

[Oooohm]

She has a lot of power to hurt me because my feelings run so deep for her, but I think I know what you're saying.  That my happiness is up to me and the only power people have to hurt me is the power I give them.

You got it !

You need to understand she "owns" her own feelings, they are hers, not your responsibility, and not up to you to try and change them.

Once you start setting boundaries as to what you will tolerate and what you will not tolerate in her behavior you will realize you have a lot more power over your happiness than you think you do right now.

Be respectful, calm, and to the point when enforcing a boundary. Do not waiver or leave any room for discussion or negotiation. Be concise and if she wants to push the issue... .walk away. Show her you care... .but also you won't tolorate certain behavior... .(Back bone !) Somewhere deep down inside she will respect that.

Use validation and SET to show her you care about her during "Calmer" periods.

BE CONSISTENT !

Unlike raising a child who has no choice but to stay, she will either "Accept" the new you, the new Dynamic, or Reject it... .   That's on her, and is her right. You should not grovel, apologize, or pursue. You may find she will come back to you again and again to see if she can make the ":)ance" go back to the way it was.  Do not cave.

Once she realizes the old ways are dead she will decide if it's worth staying... .and behaving.

Again... .Thats up to her... .not you to convince her... .

If she decides ultimately to call it quits then it wasn't meant to be. But take solace in the fact you improved yourself and are a stronger person for the next R/S. 

Two things are for absolutely sure... .  1. You can't change her... .you can only change yourself !   2. You can NOT keep going the way things are going now... .you WILL loose yourself completely and end up a hollow shell of a person... .NO ONE is worth that.