Hello

[WhyTry]

  I am romantically invloved with a woman who is still married, lives with her husband but has a separate room, has had several extramarital affairs in the last 5 years, and says she loves me completely but still sees other men.   She dates 25 year old guys but is much older. She says they are just friends but actually confessed to having sex with one of them.  (yes I am stupid) She is well to do and makes very good money.

  She seems to meet most of the BPD criteria.  as well as some narcissism.  She is constantly flirting with men, even when she is with me. 

   We seemed to be getting closer more loving this past weekend.  We spent almost 2 days together.  I had to go out of town sat night.  She kept telling me how much she loved and to keep in touch and call as soon as I could.  And that she was not going to go out.  Ok I called and got a text reply that said she went out and couldn't talk.  She then didn't respond to any of my texts until 7 30 the next morning!

    Anyway  long story short.  we broke up over this.   She sent me a text saying that being distant didn't work on  her.   "Especially after what we shared"   I told her that she was the one who started the distance.  She replied that it was her MO and I that I have put up with it but it was o k if I couldn't any longer.  She didn't blame me but just to be honest with her (whatever that meant) she did say that she had went out with a guy but he was just a friend who happened to be male.  The no response til 730 am is what really got to me.  She is also an alcoholic.  So when she goes out she almost always gets intoxicated.  We have had many breakups over various things but inevitably comes back to her crazy behavior.  Whether it is an emotional outburst over nothing or openly flirting and hitting on men right in front of me.  Anyway  I think you get the picture

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[vortex of confusion]

 

Welcome to the forums!

You might want to start by reading the lessons that you can find on the right side of the forums. That might give you a little bit of perspective about her behavior as well as your own.

What is it that you are wanting from the relationship that you have with this person?

How long have you been involved with this woman? Does her husband know about you?

[WhyTry]

Her husband knows about me.  They sleep in separate rooms and are supposedly divorcing soon.   Her first (supposedly) affair took place about 5 years ago.  She had another boyfriend after that that he alos knew about.  I have been involved for about a year and a half.  Off and on.  have known her about 2 1/2 years. 

   as far as what I want out of it.  I would like a committed relationship.  But she insists on seeing other men and says they are just friends.  I don't believe her.  I know the answer is simple but hard to execute.  She isn't going to change and it's up to me to work on myself.

[vortex of confusion]

as far as what I want out of it.  I would like a committed relationship.  But she insists on seeing other men and says they are just friends.  I don't believe her.  I know the answer is simple but hard to execute.  She isn't going to change and it's up to me to work on myself.

Given her behavior, do you think that it is realistic to think that you can have a committed relationship with her?

Has she given you any indication that she wants to be in a committed relationship with you?

There is nothing wrong with wanting to stay in this relationship. Some people are able to navigate having relationships that are non-traditional. Please don't take my questions as judgment. I am trying to get a feel for the situation and get more information. The more information that you provide, the easier it is for others to point you towards the right lessons or the right information.

[WhyTry]

I don't take your questions as judgement.  Thanks for your interest. 

    She has said she is committed to me in that she only wants sex with me but she insists on seeing other men.  Even one that she has admitted to having sex with.  But claims they are now just friends.  I don't believe it and tell her that.  They drink together etc.  I am not naive.  But yet I guess I still tolerate it.  I have cut this off several times.  somehow we end up together again.  She has told me I have her heart and always will.  But obviously there is a disconnect with her words and behavior. 

   Out last exchange was  2 nights ago.  I told her to F off .  she said ok but wanted me to know that she will always love me!  But then she unfriended me on FB.   I had told her that she had a double standard.  She constantly accuses me of wanting my ex wife back.  There is no factual basis for those accusations.  None.  I have little or no contact with my ex and then only when it concerns my son.  I told her that her relationships with these guys were sexual even if it was only the sexual tension game.  I am not naive enough to think that young guys in their 20s or whatever are only interested in her friendship.  Especially when there is drinking involved. (which there always is)  but this has been a consistent pattern.  She always seems to be getting new men in her life as well.  She definitely is an attention addict.   Addicted to flattery and male attention.  Is extremely competitive when it comes to other women. ( she of course won't admit that ) she tends to dislike the wives of my friends.  Says they are mean to her and that they see her as a threat. At first I believed her but after it happened with several of them I am starting to see that it is her.  Anyway I was harsh with her in my texts. told to her to F off but I feel that I was completely accurate with what I told her. (she has told me to F off many times over little or nothing)

   So the question is; Why do I still want her?

   

[WhyTry]

  And I can't stop obsessing over her. I miss her terribly

[vortex of confusion]

You miss her because you were getting something out of the relationship.

Do you plan to contact her and rekindle the relationship? If so, I would recommend reading the lessons so that you are better equipped to communicate with her. Also, it might help you to clarify your goals and your values.

It is really difficult to stay in a relationship where you aren't sure what is going on. My husband and I experimented with an open relationship for a while. I met a guy online and we talked and met up a few times. The relationship lasted about a year and a half before I went no contact without any warning. I didn't tell him anything. I quietly disappeared. Before I made the decision to end the relationship, I was a lot like you are. I would cut things off or disappear for a while and then I would go back. I kept going back because the guy was funny. He would be online and talk to me at odd hours during the night when I couldn't sleep. Because I was getting needs met that I didn't even know I had, I kept going back for more.

[WhyTry]

I have been resisting contacting her.   I have read some of the stuff on here as well as on other web sites.

She seems to meet all the criteria for BPD.  Not that I don't have plenty of faults.  I guess it probably isn't going to get any better

[married21years]

you have to put a lot in to get very little out, imho run for the hills

sorry say it like i see it. there is nothing but pain and sorrow with this one

[enlighten me]

Are you sure her husband knows about you and is divorcing her? My exgf told me she had split with her husband and was divorcing him. I now think that he was clueless and she only dumped him after she had hooked me.

You know her behaviour wont change. What you have to accept is that thrres nothing you can do to change it. She obviously finds it easy to feed her needs so why should she put in the hard work to change when she can replace easier. To some pwBPD we are a consumable object. If they're in a financial position to replace their car if it breaks down they will rather than trying to repair it. So if theyre in a position to replace us when they see us as broken they will.

[married21years]

what would your advice to a friend be if you told them this.

it would be move on i bet!

[WhyTry]

I am reasonably sure that her husband knows. she stays out all night with me a lot of times. she did it in the past before me. she gets away with it and has for several years.                                        Yes... if a friend told me the story I would advise him to move on

[married21years]

maybe you should discuss this with a close friend

i know this is hard. but you are not very invested and this would be most peoples advice on here

good luck

[WhyTry]

Yes. I think I need a good friend's counsel.  Thanks

[married21years]

tell them everything, they know you. don't isolate yourself!

[waverider]

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[WhyTry]

I contacted her. (Via text) I said my 1 regret was being harsh and said sorry for the F u.  She told me not to lose sleep over it. I said I was angry because she was rubbing my nose in s***. No further reply from her. With the fb unfriending it looks like she is done with me anyway.                                                                            It's still baffling that she could supposedly love me so much and then do what she did.

[vortex of confusion]

I contacted her. (Via text) I said my 1 regret was being harsh and said sorry for the F u.  She told me not to lose sleep over it. I said I was angry because she was rubbing my nose in s***. No further reply from her. With the fb unfriending it looks like she is done with me anyway.                                                                            It's still baffling that she could supposedly love me so much and then do what she did.

Give it some time!

I wouldn't assume anything right now.

Read some of the lessons to help you get a grip on yourself.

It sounds like she could be a bit narcissistic and likes all the attention from all of the different guys. Like I said, your description of her reminds me a lot of the person that I was involved with at one time. He had a whole bunch of female friends on FB and there would be posts between them that led me to believe that maybe something was going on. I saw ads online that looked like they were his. He would completely deny it and make me feel like a real jerk for even bringing it up.

In hindsight, I think I was having a relationship with myself because he didn't seem to really care (at least consistently) what I did. Sometimes, he would bring up some things and other times it seemed like I could cuss at him or say mean things and he would be completely unphased by it.

I had to learn that I had to accept whatever he wanted to give if I wanted to stay in the relationship. He refused to define things. I wasn't a FWB. I wasn't a lover. I have no idea what I was to him. When I would try to get some idea of what it was that was going on between us, he would tell me, "It is what it is." It was frustrating for me because I had feelings for this guy. I still miss him on occasion but I realize that I wanted more than what I was getting. I have no idea if he had feelings for me or if I was just one of many that he would cycle through.

What are you okay with?

[WhyTry]

  yes.  time.  I am not okay with all these other guys.  She is a narcissist. usually she is the one who make contact. But yes I need to work on myself.

[WhyTry]

The frustrating and baffling thing about this is that the last time I saw her she told me how much she loved me. and everything about me.