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Author Topic: How to dissipate bad vibes  (Read 585 times)
mindwise
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« on: June 18, 2015, 06:42:46 AM »

I try to implement a mix of validation, humor and assertiveness when my BPDgf tries to pick a fight or starts bringing bad vibes into the relationship.

Validation is key.

Humor has the impact of changing the tone. So she might continue criticizing, but jokingly, and I will respond accordingly. In essence it's like we play together and not against each other. If humor doesn't work and she behaves disrespectfully, I'll make a pause, and calmly but assertively state something like:

"hey, I love you very much and always try my best to treat you respectfully because I care about you. I would appreciate to be treated in the same way. This is what we deserve. I feel insulted when you raise your voice and call me_____ and _____. We can either communicate as adults or take a break and pick up with this conversation when you calm down. I'm looking forward to continue enjoying my time with you. What's it going to be?

This usually works but if she continues escalating, I'll let her finish her sentence, validate some more and then exit the situation:

"I'm in a great mood for taking a walk outside, call me when you feel ready to join me, looking forward to it."

Sometimes a mix of validation and praise makes wonders. So if she is on a bad roll and tries to drag us down I will validate for a while and then go:

"... .by the way, this morning I though about last weekend when we went to visit____ and you said _____ and then did _____ and how proud I felt about you. You were great!". And keep it moving upward from here... .bringing good memories into the picture.

I never tolerate verbal abuse. I might ignore her antics from time to time but I also make sure to set the tone as much as I can before things spiral down. If she gives me ST I never chase and she always comes back. When she comes back I find it's a great moment to enforce boundaries as she is usually in a good mood to talk about what happened.   

Anyone wants to share any tips on how to dissipate bad vibes? 

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vortex of confusion
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« Reply #1 on: June 18, 2015, 10:52:07 AM »

Anyone wants to share any tips on how to dissipate bad vibes? 

Are you asking about how to manage them and manipulate them into NOT having a bad moment?

You have provided some great ideas on how to handle things when a partner gets upset or starts emitting bad vibes.

What do you do when you get upset or start putting out bad vibes?

I sometimes think that focusing on what our partners are doing and saying all of the time is counterproductive. It puts them under the microscope.
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mindwise
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« Reply #2 on: June 19, 2015, 09:02:47 AM »

Excerpt
Are you asking about how to manage them and manipulate them into NOT having a bad moment?

I prefer to think of it as "how we manage ourselves" when our partners bring bad vibes.

Excerpt
You have provided some great ideas on how to handle things when a partner gets upset or starts emitting bad vibes.

Thanks. Anything you might want to add? I see you have been married for 17 years so you must be very experienced in dealing with a pwBPD.

Excerpt
What do you do when you get upset or start putting out bad vibes?

In essence I am a very laid back person and through the years I have learned to regulate very well my emotions. I practice LOTS of Yoga and I'm following with my BPDgf a Mindfulness course. I also exercise a lot. The rare moments I get upset is if something unacceptable happens (potential cheating, lying, etc).

Lately I've been reading a book "Loving someone with borderline personality disorder" and one of the key elements is to regulate your own emotions first. So I practice that a lot and make sure to not engage my partner form a place of guilt, obligation or fear. And it works.

Excerpt
I sometimes think that focusing on what our partners are doing and saying all of the time is counterproductive. It puts them under the microscope.

Good advice, thanks.

Absolutely, It's better to set the tone when dealing with pwBPD. Easier said than done  
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CastleofGlass
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WWW
« Reply #3 on: June 19, 2015, 09:28:29 AM »

I think these are some good tactics to take mindwise. I think the confusion may be in the title of the post. Maybe not so much "dissipating" bad vibes from a pwBPD but how you choose to not be involved with the BPD ':)ance'. Unfortunately, you can't actually dissipate a pwBPD's bad vibes as they are their emotions to own and so we can't actually get rid of them.
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mindwise
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« Reply #4 on: June 19, 2015, 10:19:52 AM »

I agree with you CastleofGlass. Thanks for your insight Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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vortex of confusion
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« Reply #5 on: June 19, 2015, 12:51:50 PM »

I prefer to think of it as "how we manage ourselves" when our partners bring bad vibes.

How do you manage yourself when other people bring bad vibes? I have had to ask myself that question a lot. I noticed that in other areas of my life I could walk away an not accept certain things. Why was I giving my partner a pass? I had to think of what I would do if a friend was bringing bad vibes to a situation.

-I can walk away.

-I can try to insert some humor.

-I can disengage from the conversation and mentally retreat. That would look something like smile and nod or offer a facial expression to acknowledge that I hear what they are saying.

A lot of it depends on the context of the situation too.

Excerpt
Thanks. Anything you might want to add? I see you have been married for 17 years so you must be very experienced in dealing with a pwBPD.

I think the most important thing to do is not take it personally and work on getting yourself into a mental state where you are not going to be as impacted by those bad vibes. You can't really dissipate bad vibes. They are going to be there without regard to what you do or don't do. You have to figure out ways to protect yourself from them rather than try to dissipate them.

Excerpt
In essence I am a very laid back person and through the years I have learned to regulate very well my emotions. I practice LOTS of Yoga and I'm following with my BPDgf a Mindfulness course. I also exercise a lot. The rare moments I get upset is if something unacceptable happens (potential cheating, lying, etc).

That is awesome. Being mindful is a great tool. One of the things that I have struggled with is being a bit self righteous. I am not sure how else to put it or explain it. There for a while, I kind of felt like I was superior to him because I have done all of this reading. I try to be mindful. I try to do everything "right". I could give you a laundry list of all of the things that I was doing and I could give you a laundry list of things that he wasn't doing accompanied by a list of things he was doing wrong. I think some of that was coming through in our interactions and was tainting some of our interactions. Does that make an ounce of sense? I have no idea how to explain how I got where I am other than to say that I have done a lot of reading and self reflecting and have started to try to be more honest with myself about some of MY contribution to things.

I consider myself to be pretty laid back too. Sometimes, that can come across as invalidating. I would see him freak out and think, "Why the heck can't you just chill the eff out?" I have had some successful conversations about some of this with him. He doesn't understand how I can be so calm and collected with some things.

Excerpt
Absolutely, It's better to set the tone when dealing with pwBPD. Easier said than done  

I know that all too well!  Smiling (click to insert in post) I have to remind myself that when I put something under a microscope, all I am going to see is what I put under there. Not only that, but what I put under the microscope is going to be amplified.
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mindwise
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« Reply #6 on: June 22, 2015, 09:28:32 AM »

Thanks for the input VOC, I make good note of your comments Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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Cat Familiar
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« Reply #7 on: June 22, 2015, 09:54:03 AM »

One of the things that I have struggled with is being a bit self righteous. I am not sure how else to put it or explain it. There for a while, I kind of felt like I was superior to him because I have done all of this reading. I try to be mindful. I try to do everything "right". I could give you a laundry list of all of the things that I was doing and I could give you a laundry list of things that he wasn't doing accompanied by a list of things he was doing wrong. I think some of that was coming through in our interactions and was tainting some of our interactions. Does that make an ounce of sense? I have no idea how to explain how I got where I am other than to say that I have done a lot of reading and self reflecting and have started to try to be more honest with myself about some of MY contribution to things.

I consider myself to be pretty laid back too. Sometimes, that can come across as invalidating. I would see him freak out and think, "Why the heck can't you just chill the eff out?" I have had some successful conversations about some of this with him. He doesn't understand how I can be so calm and collected with some things.

Vortex, I'm struggling with some of the exact same issues. He calls me "cold" because I don't get worked up about his issue du jour. And he accuses me of "being on my high horse" because I'm analytical while he's emotional. I have  at times felt "superior" because I can control my emotions, while his run him.

Mindwise, I think Vortex makes a good point about being laid back appearing to pwBPD as an invalidation. I don't have an answer to that. I've experimented with acting upset when I don't feel it, just to try to let him know I understand and am on the same wavelength, but I don't want to start acting other than who I am just to make him feel better. It's a conundrum.
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“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
married21years
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« Reply #8 on: June 22, 2015, 09:59:08 AM »

stay calm firm tru and honest if he has problems with you being normal that his issue! Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)
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Cat Familiar
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« Reply #9 on: June 22, 2015, 10:06:29 AM »

stay calm firm tru and honest if he has problems with you being normal that his issue! Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

Good point. I think so many of us nons jump through hoops trying to make things better for our pwBPD and of course, we never can--that's just part of their mental illness.
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“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
mindwise
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« Reply #10 on: June 22, 2015, 01:09:28 PM »

Excerpt
Mindwise, I think Vortex makes a good point about being laid back appearing to pwBPD as an invalidation. I don't have an answer to that. I've experimented with acting upset when I don't feel it, just to try to let him know I understand and am on the same wavelength, but I don't want to start acting other than who I am just to make him feel better. It's a conundrum.

I hear both of you, Cat Familiar and VOC. In my case, if I'm laid back, she will test to the extremes until my "deal breaker" button gets pushed and she gets me attuned to her emotional state . Once I show my claws, she backs off big time and we talk things out. Today she told me she doesn't understand why she does it but admitted it feels familiar to her to live in chaos. How wonderful  

I have also experimented by acting "upset" to things that don't bother me so as to keep her from doing the really bad things. But it feels fake and not worth it. 
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mindwise
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« Reply #11 on: June 22, 2015, 01:13:20 PM »

Excerpt
stay calm firm tru and honest if he has problems with you being normal that his issue!

Absolutely, Married21years Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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