painted white?

[rarsweet]

The last 2 weeks since we reached an agreement in mediation, its bizarre. Ex is acting completely different. He's told me I have been doing a good job with daughter. He told me he was afraid when we broke up I was going to take our daughter away from him. He said everyone thought I was just going to take off. It must just be classical projection since he wanted to move away with her, has no job, or involvement in this community. I have 2 older children here, a job, school, my whole family, was born here. I don't know who everyone is who was telling him this. I can only assume his dad. Now since he has agreed to stay here he is asking me if he can get involved in the stuff I do with daughter, the developmental programs, playgroup, the library program, etc. I had been asking him to get involved all along and he had refused. He now says he was just waiting to see if the judge would let him move before he would get involved in stuff here. So I've had some people tell me to just be thankful he has come around and to basically welcome him into the stuff we have been doing. Then of course people say not to trust him, to keep him out of our lives as much as possible. I have really wanted other people to see him with daughter, I guess a neutral pair of eyes, but that's been impossible since he tends to isolate himself and daughter when he has her. It seems now he is willing to change that. He is pretty paranoid though. When he asked me if i would still welcome him at the programs we do he asked if he was walking into a minefield, if I had bashed him pretty much. I told him not to worry about being judged. I really hope that if he could get out among other people it would help him, and that would be great for our daughter.

[scraps66]

I would be very cautious going forward.  It is great that he wants to be involved with his daughter.  But that does not mean that the two of you have to do activities and programs with her.  Typically it is not good to be around a BP and try to do "things together."  My experience at least.

If he is asking about being bashed, in my experience with my NPD/BPD that usually means she is already doing that or is thinking about doing it - to me.  It is almost like speaking projection.

I can remember one period like this where I was "painted white" and it lasted a total of three weeks and ended with a horrific outburst over a birthday card I had bought for ex.  I remember her storming out of the house after me as I taught S10 to ride his bike in front of the house.

Beware and be aware. 

[rarsweet]

I did suggest he could come and see what we do and then decide if he wants to participate himself. There are programs just for dads and kids too. What I definitely don't want is for him to encroach on me all the time. I hope he gets a job so then isn't just full of free time. Maybe I am naive thinking him being involved will be a good thing for him. He is living with his dad and just spends most of his time with him. I realize looking back before he lost his job our relationship was good. As soon as he wasn't working his dad was just constantly around,every ssingle day, sometimes would call 20 times in a day. That was the beginning of the end. The more time he spent with his dad the worse he was. He just told me a few weeks ago his dad faked a panic attack at work and his boss called ex to come get him. I always felt sorry for ex. Its a horrible thing but I think he would be so different away from his dad. He is telling me he is looking to move out of his dads. I hope him having a reason to get out of the house will be good for him. Maybe I am just in rescuer mode again. I am going to keep reminding myself of boundaries though.