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Author Topic: Realities of staying in a BPD relationship  (Read 1716 times)
joeramabeme
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« Reply #30 on: June 20, 2015, 07:28:13 PM »

Stopping the abuse takes more than 1 person changing their behavior, it takes two

This statement really bothers me because I think this is the way Max's wife, with her disordered thinking, views it.  She sees Max as being the problem.  She has not taken any responsibility for her abuse.  Everything is his fault. 

Verbena, your point is my point exactly, it takes 2 people to correct the problem, not just one.  She needs to take responsibility and have the willingness to change.
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joeramabeme
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« Reply #31 on: June 20, 2015, 08:28:17 PM »

You are fixing you first of all not trying to fix your pwBPD. pwBPD react to their environment, you are a major factor in their environment

Waverider, although I agree with what you are saying and know you are right, I think it is misleading b/c there is an implication that this leads to a healthy relationship.

To elaborate, I tried modifying my own behavior in my marriage, and met with some success.  But there were 2 factors that made continuation untenable.

1) There is a source conflict in the BPD.  Although modifying my own personal behavior lessened some tensions around certain topics, the source of the BPD hurt was not addressed and therefore, the BP behaviors simply manifested in different ways.  Mostly it was a no-win situation. 

As long as the BP is not looking at themselves, there will be no substantive change on their part.  By definition, they don't see what is going on with them, even if they unknowingly positively react to a better environment.  This leads to my second point.

2) Where is my humanity in all this?  Isn't the point of having an intimate r/s to SHARE your life WITH someone?  What you are describing is akin to a coping technique or therapy to help yourself in what is more of a r/s laboratory than an intimate r/s. 

There is little room for a NON to have any personal issues b/c they can have unforeseen intense cascading impacts on a BP.  Everyone has issues, that is not modifiable.  Not knowing what will happen in your r/s as a result of you being human is not an intimate r/s, at least not one where you are able to share your life WITH a partner, unless you consider a child a partner.

So, even though some environmental modification may alter some BP patterns, there is a degree of humanity and associated baggage that we NONs (and non-NONs) all possess that cannot be modified lest e be inhuman.  NONs are attracted to the BP because of their issues.  And if we NONs addressed our issues we would unlikely be attracted to a BP to begin with.

Given that so many of us are here to find answers and sort out our confused thinking, I think it should be pointed out that there is a fine line between stating a truth and implying that truth has a particular meaning, such as finding happiness in a BP relationship.  Personally, I don't see how it can happen without the BP seeing themselves for who they are.
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« Reply #32 on: June 20, 2015, 10:13:35 PM »

I thought that my relationship would never be 50/50, until I realized that my expectations for my bf were very high. Many times my own expectations were so high, a non-disordered partner could not meet them. Many caretaker types have very high expectations and standards for their pwBPD. Once I removed that type of thinking, I started to realize that my bf does validate and support me quite often and my resentment and frustration dissipated.

I keep coming back to this as well. When my gf isn't dysregulated, she has an amazing ability to be calm and supportive, to help me believe in myself, even to help me not be so controlled by MY emotions. It is not always bad. She shouldn't be defined by her negative traits more than her positive. I too have questioned my expectations. As a codependent, I think I expect too much in certain ways, and have zero boundaries in others. This is my baggage to work on, not hers.
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waverider
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« Reply #33 on: June 20, 2015, 10:20:23 PM »

Waverider, although I agree with what you are saying and know you are right, I think it is misleading b/c there is an implication that this leads to a healthy relationship.

There are no guarantees a relationship will survive, it is your way forward to getting your life in order. If that means getting a grip on it and deciding it is not what you want and you move on. Then this is still thriving rather than stuck in the default of surviving.

You will move on knowing that your have given it your best shot and there are no "waht if" regrets.

The Staying Board is not about maintaining the relationship at all costs. It is about you handling it and getting to grips with it so that you become unstuck while you are in it. getting you to a place were you can move forward together or otherwise.

Fixing yourself is a prerequisite to being able to support and bond with them. You have to learn how to share healthily, you can't do that if you feel there is no point to it. You have to overcome your own personal fear of it.

To reiterate, you will not fix BPD and it will change, but you can affect how it changes. It need not drag you down with it. Constant conflict and the subsequent projection prevents them from even taking that step to recognizing they even have a problem
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waverider
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« Reply #34 on: June 20, 2015, 10:26:04 PM »

  NONs are attracted to the BP because of their issues.  And if we NONs addressed our issues we would unlikely be attracted to a BP to begin with.

This is an important point. Even if a pwBPD goes through all the treatment and becomes symptom free both of you will be totally different people as a result of the journey and you may then be incompatible. The traits of the disorder are an attractant, as you say. We at the end of it will be less inclined to the naivety of magical thinking.

Hence focusing on the end result is misleading, as anything can happen. Focusing on how to get yourself together and move forward, ie the steps in the journey, is more productive. The end result will evolve along the way.
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« Reply #35 on: June 21, 2015, 07:29:05 AM »

Even if a pwBPD goes through all the treatment and becomes symptom free both of you will be totally different people as a result of the journey and you may then be incompatible. The traits of the disorder are an attractant, as you say. We at the end of it will be less inclined to the naivety of magical thinking.

Hence focusing on the end result is misleading, as anything can happen. Focusing on how to get yourself together and move forward, ie the steps in the journey, is more productive. The end result will evolve along the way.

I think everyone is at a different place, in different circumstances.   Your mileage may vary type of thing. 

My r/s is at the opposite end of the spectrum from what maxsterling described in his original post.   After many years of therapy, including two years of DBT my partner has been graduated from treatment because she no longer meets the criteria for mental illness.   

There is no abuse in our r/s, emotional or verbal.   There is no conflict.  Our norm is quiet concord.   Certainly no physical abuse.   I don't feel any sense that the relationship is unstable.   In the past 6 months my partner has dsyregulated four times and the last three she handled by herself.   She came to me and used the phrase that she identified that means she is overwhelmed with emotions, told me what she wanted to do about it, then went and did those things.   Once emotional equilibrium was returned we communicated, negotiated and reached an agreement.

For me it feels a little odd to not have a barrage of mental health workers in our lives.   I think perhaps I got used to leaning on that crutch.  I have actually been reluctant to mention her graduation from treatment because I am not yet comfortable trusting this success.   Trust issues on my part.

My partner is not 100% symptom free right now, but very nearly so.   Some of the skills she has learned have not yet grown to reach their full maturity.   In some ways because she has invested so much effort into her mental health she is now the ~healthier~ one in the r/s.   Either way she is my equal in the r/s and the r/s is very much 50/50.

I think max did a good job describing his reality but didn't speak for my reality.

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« Reply #36 on: June 21, 2015, 08:02:43 AM »

Sounds like you are in a good place babyducks, from here I guess it is about consolidating and rebuilding that level of trust that it is not going to slide back again.

Do you feel like you are both different people than even before BPD started its toxic influence.?

It does show how a long time spent living with dysfunction starts to feel normal, and "normal" somehow feels unreal as though it is an illusion.
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« Reply #37 on: June 21, 2015, 08:19:05 AM »

Sounds like you are in a good place babyducks, from here I guess it is about consolidating and rebuilding that level of trust that it is not going to slide back again.

Do you feel like you are both different people than even before BPD started its toxic influence.?

It does show how a long time spent living with dysfunction starts to feel normal, and "normal" somehow feels unreal as though it is an illusion.

tough one to answer waverider because I am not sure I know.

I feel like I am more me.   I am much stronger about expressing my thoughts, opinions, feelings, wants, needs and in a more detailed and in a softer gentler way.

It's harder to say with my partner, she has changed so much and in a relatively short period of time that its hard for me to discount the little voice in the back of my head that says, "what if this is mirroring?"

On the other hand she seems very concrete and sure of herself.   It very much appears that her behavior is being driven by good healthy individual decisions.   something I am certainly willing to get used to but haven't had much practice at.   yet.

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« Reply #38 on: June 21, 2015, 05:58:29 PM »

I guess a lot will depend on how natural she feels about it or is just trying hard and enthusiasm is keeping her going. It takes a while to rebuild a healthy history if all you have know is unhealthy.

A personality change needs a foundation of healthy history to become entrenched. You will need to be patient and provide the support she needs to achieve this and be aware there could be fragility beneath the can do exterior for some time yet
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« Reply #39 on: June 23, 2015, 08:42:01 PM »

Max... .

I haven't posted here in a while but after reading your post, it was "reality" time again. You make some good points about the limitations these relationships bring us and the disappointments of unfulfilled desires and needs we are left with because of this madness.

The reality is that I have to rely on myself for my strength and health and look to the outside of this relationship for encouragement and support. Since she can't, or won't, provide some of the emotional support I need... .the very support she demands from me, then I must work on that myself for myself because my needs are just not important to her at all. And, yes... .What a disappointment it is.

And yes, this relationship is never 50/50 in that I get all of the blame for the failings of it all and just how hurt she is because of all the things I have deliberately done to her from day one of our marriage. I guess that makes me 91% wrong most of the time according to her... .the other 9% of the time is still being saved up and will be doled out by her later at some convenient point in time to make me feel even more like a loser and reprobate than I already feel.

Overall, your post is a summary of experiences that help bring a slice of reality to life as it is along with the limitations that occur when living with the madness and insanity this illness brings to us.

After 35 years of living this madness, I realize that there will always be a little girl stuck inside an adult's body who still needs, and demands that her romantic Knight in Shining Armor protect her from the evils and trepidations of this world and that she continues to expect to be wined and dined daily with flashy shows of sacrifice and heroic effort from me and demands unconditional acceptance and love (and worship) from me despite the other responsibility I must meet outside of this relationship.

Yes, Max... .Talk about disappointment and discouragement. Yes... .Max... .Reality SUCKS. Thank God for my kids and a good song from Coldplay or the Wailin' Jennys, etc. I still can put my ear phones in and play a good song when I need to and get lost in the melody again and again!

Thanks... .GopherAgent



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« Reply #40 on: June 24, 2015, 07:39:20 AM »

Waverider, although I agree with what you are saying and know you are right, I think it is misleading b/c there is an implication that this leads to a healthy relationship.

There are no guarantees a relationship will survive, it is your way forward to getting your life in order. If that means getting a grip on it and deciding it is not what you want and you move on. Then this is still thriving rather than stuck in the default of surviving.

You will move on knowing that your have given it your best shot and there are no "what if" regrets.

The Staying Board is not about maintaining the relationship at all costs. It is about you handling it and getting to grips with it so that you become unstuck while you are in it. getting you to a place were you can move forward together or otherwise.

Fixing yourself is a prerequisite to being able to support and bond with them. You have to learn how to share healthily, you can't do that if you feel there is no point to it. You have to overcome your own personal fear of it.

To reiterate, you will not fix BPD and it will change, but you can affect how it changes. It need not drag you down with it. Constant conflict and the subsequent projection prevents them from even taking that step to recognizing they even have a problem

Last night, with my Psychiatrist, we covered these issues in depth.  I cannot change what I do not have control over.  The latest rage / dysregulation (2 days ago) was, by far, one of the worst.  I deserve better than this.  I have grown enough in my Self, and in my therapy to genuinely feel, "I deserve better than this !"

What will I do to achieve "better than this" in my life?

"Staying" is way down there on the list of possibilities for "better than this."

I love myself too much to allow my compassion and care to "settle" for dodging abuse and dysregulation.  I don't have much time off from my work. I need to maximize value and minimize effort in achieving my goals and maintaining my values in life.

It is not a self deluding trick, or co-dependent pathology to want to be loved, adored, and respected because I deserve it.  I've earned this.  I believe it is within what I bring to the table to expect that my partner want to be present with me sexually.  It is not a sign of weakness or pathological co-dependence to value and want a loving relationship that is honest, open and caring. 

Accepting that this is not possible with my wife - or will not be possible for another 25 years of her intense psychotherapy, I am facing the stark reality that being alone is infinitely better than being with her.  At least alone I am not compromising my values and hopes for my life- I will be living in a home where everyone there accepts me for who I am- size 44 waist, back hair and all, AND alone is where everyone wants to have sex precisely when I want to have sex.  Being cool (click to insert in post)

Alone is far better than constant criticism, emotional abuse, sexual withholding / neglect, and silent treatment. I firmly believe that my wife and I have arrived at "as good as it gets."

For me, at least, working to get out of this relationship is the first step in staying with my truest self.  Working out a plan to make this happen, while providing support and respect for my family and my wife in the disengaging and building separate lives, these are the next steps I need to work out.

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« Reply #41 on: June 24, 2015, 07:55:21 AM »

Hmcbart:  Your wife reminds me a lot of my wife 12 years ago.  There is light at the end of the tunnel !

Max: You ARE obviously dealing with the extreme of the disorder... .but take solace in knowing it is a "Learned" behavior, condition, disorder, short circuited coping mechanisms (Not an illness, or a disease) and  because of that it can be "un-learned" with time, effort, boundaries and firm handed love.

GK, VOC, CB, CE:  I applaud you !   Smiling (click to insert in post)

There is absolutely NO evidence that BPD is a "learned" behavior.  It is a core trauma induced illness.  It is like having a leg amputated at three years of age.  The stump will grow, prosthesis can be fit, but no amount of treatment can EVER restore the amputated leg. The amputee might end up being a world class athlete, but the leg will always be missing.

I do not believe that it is helpful to encourage people to just do everything possible to help their partners "unlearn" their BPD.  That unlearning is impossible.

The highest functioning pwBPD are still splitters, for example.  What makes them highly functioning is that instead of reacting and instantly / reflexively acting out on the splitting, they recognize the splitting as a disordered thought, and STOP. They self soothe, instead of reacting with self-preserving emotions, and WAY before the splitting becomes an abusive action in real life, to an abuse receiver (closest non in the room). 

That is the best hope for cure from this terrible disease.  I very much take exception to BPD just being a collection of maladaptive, "learned" behaviors. 

Surg_Bear
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« Reply #42 on: June 24, 2015, 08:33:38 AM »

It is a core disorder that can either be inflamed or subdued by overlaying influences.

"Normal" thought processing is an alien language, it can be learned, but the original language is rarely forgotten and the new learned language has a lingering accent to it.

As a result for a successful relationship total elimination of disordered traits should not be counted on, nor is it necessary.

Only those concerned can determine what is a worthwhile equilibrium.

Understanding the equation without delusion is a prerequisite to achieving this state is essential.

Understanding alone is not enough without a genuine sense of contentment and acceptance.

Delusions and magical thinking are your enemy.
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« Reply #43 on: June 24, 2015, 08:36:58 AM »

"Staying" is way down there on the list of possibilities for "better than this."

I love myself too much to allow my compassion and care to "settle" for dodging abuse and dysregulation.  I don't have much time off from my work. I need to maximize value and minimize effort in achieving my goals and maintaining my values in life.

It is not a self deluding trick, or co-dependent pathology to want to be loved, adored, and respected because I deserve it.  I've earned this.  I believe it is within what I bring to the table to expect that my partner want to be present with me sexually.  It is not a sign of weakness or pathological co-dependence to value and want a loving relationship that is honest, open and caring. 

Accepting that this is not possible with my wife - or will not be possible for another 25 years of her intense psychotherapy, I am facing the stark reality that being alone is infinitely better than being with her.  At least alone I am not compromising my values and hopes for my life- I will be living in a home where everyone there accepts me for who I am- size 44 waist, back hair and all, AND alone is where everyone wants to have sex precisely when I want to have sex.  Being cool (click to insert in post)

Alone is far better than constant criticism, emotional abuse, sexual withholding / neglect, and silent treatment. I firmly believe that my wife and I have arrived at "as good as it gets."

For me, at least, working to get out of this relationship is the first step in staying with my truest self.  Working out a plan to make this happen, while providing support and respect for my family and my wife in the disengaging and building separate lives, these are the next steps I need to work out.

Surg_Bear

So you should switch to the Leaving (or at least Undecided) Board now that you have made this decision. Best wishes to you.
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« Reply #44 on: June 24, 2015, 11:11:11 AM »

Surg - I applaud you for reaching that stage of self-awareness and decision.  I haven't gotten to that place yet.

My original thoughts on this subject haven't changed - as what I originally posted is how I still feel.  I stand by what I say, that at some point in a relationship with a pwBPD, there is going to be some kind of abuse.  Yes, there are things we can do to minimize it, and work and move through it with our partners, but the reality is we all wound up at this website because our relationships we unhealthy and hurtful in some way.   The first posts of any newbie almost read the same way - they come here exhausted because of too many arguments, silent treatment, yelling,  isolation from friends and family... .

yes, many of us have learned to take care of ourselves, use the lessons to improve our relationships, and many of us have seen our partners improve. But I think part of that process requires us to re-examine what an ideal relationship is and learn to accept things for what they are.
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« Reply #45 on: June 24, 2015, 06:17:50 PM »

Following awareness of the reality, which takes a while, comes choice time. that is what max is going through at the moment. To choose to accept a degree of dysfunctionality in the full knowledge of just how much influence, or not, he can have. Or to realize not to, as surg has stated.

Both options are reasonable. The important thing is to reach a position of educated choice and make a commitment, otherwise you get stuck in that soul destroying state of undecided for far too long, which in effect stalls your life.

I have reached that place of lack of toxicity in the relationship, but still bucket loads of dysfunctionality that I may find frustrating, but I can live with. I have also identified bonuses for me from this RS that I wouldn't otherwise have. I have made this educated choice and commitment to stay to the point that I am getting married on Sunday. I am in this to the end and there is no delusions or magical thinking
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« Reply #46 on: June 25, 2015, 12:22:24 AM »

I have made this educated choice and commitment to stay to the point that I am getting married on Sunday. I am in this to the end and there is no delusions or magical thinking

Congratulations and best wishes, waverider! I'm glad you find that the r/s, despite its flaws, meets your needs for love and companionship. I certainly feel that way about mine.
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« Reply #47 on: June 25, 2015, 07:11:53 AM »

max-After reading this whole post I feel as though your original post may not have been for intended for everyone dealing with a pwBPD. To be clear, I agree with your post 100% because that is how I feel right now and have felt since finding out my wife has BPD. But what I really think, is that your post was more of a self awareness statement on your behalf. As if you were saying it out loud so you could process what you really signed up for. Not all those who have a pwBPD have all the situations you have said in your list. There is a spectrum in BPD (ie: lower/higher functioning).

The sad reality I am feeling at this time is that I read some posts and stories made by other nons and it makes me more and more angry. To be blunt, I feel like all we do is kiss a BPDs ass to keep the peace. But it's not said in as many words and made to sound like we are 'changing' our selves and validating their emotions. How about my emotions? How about validating that I deal with BS? Then we set the boundaries. "Well sweetheart, I can see you are angry that the sky is blue and it's my fault but I'm going to take a time out and we can reengage when things have calmed down."

This is just so frustrating. I love my wife, but tbh, many times I feel that if my kids weren't here, then peace out. Good luck with your childish temper tantrums and insulting abusive behavior. I keep reading these lessons, and many have helped. But I still see a hidden title behind all of the lessons that says "How to let your BPD get away with being a monster and minimizing how it impacts you." I mean... .being in a marriage and saying I'm only going to concentrate on me? Not sleeping in the same room for months at a time? These aren't marriages... .They are roommate situations.

These are my thoughts and views on living with a pwBPD and BPD as a disorder in general. They are meant to be my self reflection statements as to how I feel about the whole situation. I believe as a non, I should be able to have my outburst on the ridiculousness of dealing with this sh*t once in a while.
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« Reply #48 on: June 25, 2015, 07:32:59 AM »

For me the original post by max I felt was misleading because it read to me as a generalisation about all relationships with a pwBPD.

What would have made the post somewhat less ambiguous to me would be if indeed it was linked directly to maxs  own processes with his wife. That's not how I read it, and that's about me not max.

To move through our own process it is indeed about deciding to Stay and tolerate areas that maybe deal breakers for others.

If abuse of any kind was still in my marriage I would not stay, primarily because this is not something that me or our s7 should hear or be exposed to, no child should be exposed to ongoing conflict of any sort. I do not accept this as a part of my marriage to a pwBPD, I accept it as part of the illness, but it is not something I could have lived with if it remained after what I learnt here.

Surg_bear and max for me represent points of the same journey,. Staying is on a continuum for me of trying to find what is liveable with that does not negate who I am or the values that are important to me. Staying for me is not staying at any cost, especially where our son is concerned.

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« Reply #49 on: June 25, 2015, 08:46:02 AM »

The anger thing resonates with me. My boyfriend has done a lot of terrible things and i feel the hurt of that. Frustrated because he wont stop. Trying to communicate this gets it all projected back at me as the real problem. He told a mutual friend, while this silent treatment is going on currently, that he has no idea why i am so angry with him, and he doesn't know what to do, so he is keeping me blocked on facebook and ignoring me every where else.

He doesn't know? Hello, you cheated, still take ow out to lunch at work, lie to me, bully me, and tell me to get over it. Among 500 other things.

I realize i get angry because i am not coping. I try to stay present to him instead of excusing myself for a break. I also have foo issues that he punches my button on with the silent treatment.

I am trying to figure it all out. He knows i am here if he wants to talk. He doesn't. I say nothing, and I am starting therapy next week. I would like to figure all of this out.
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waverider
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« Reply #50 on: June 25, 2015, 09:08:28 AM »

I believe as a non, I should be able to have my outburst on the ridiculousness of dealing with this sh*t once in a while.

You are human you are allowed to have any human feeling. You are allowed to take your carers hat off and let it blow out once in a while. That is choice. There is no complete smooth sailing. Educated choice means that you can do this but you will do it with full knowledged it is likely to trigger your partner.  With familiarity with the tools you will be less afraid of those consequences as you will be better equipped to deal with that fall out.

At the end of the day it is a choice. To just complain about the unfairness of the Disorder will not get you anywhere. Being aware of causes and likely effect is empowering in your choices.

It is not about pandering it is about balancing best results of your actions against effort, physically and mentally, and arriving at a balance that you can best deal with.

Any heightened conflict in my relationship now is nearly always because I have escalated and decided to let my frustrations out. My pwBPD is rarely responsible for any anger any more, that is my choice. It is my choice to exert my right to vent my emotions, but I am aware of it and can reign it in and smooth things out pretty quick so no real harm is done. I will not deny my right to my emotions in an attempt to endlessly appease anyone else. That just breeds the resentment you are feeling.

pwBPD are not as fragile as some people believe. Yes they blow up quickly, but often they come back down far quicker than the non. The non often is actually more upset about how long they themselves are affected rather than the immediate reaction of the pwBPD.  eg the pwBPD may have a hissy fi, say some mean things and slam a few doors but the non then broods on it for a few days and ruins their own weekend. Acceptance puts the drama and it's consequences back on the pwBPD, or yourself if it was in fact your doing.

Playing the blame game cements your role as victim, and thats no place to thrive.
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« Reply #51 on: June 25, 2015, 09:37:28 AM »

Following awareness of the reality, which takes a while, comes choice time. that is what max is going through at the moment. To choose to accept a degree of dysfunctionality in the full knowledge of just how much influence, or not, he can have. Or to realize not to, as surg has stated.

Both options are reasonable. The important thing is to reach a position of educated choice and make a commitment, otherwise you get stuck in that soul destroying state of undecided for far too long, which in effect stalls your life.

I have reached that place of lack of toxicity in the relationship, but still bucket loads of dysfunctionality that I may find frustrating, but I can live with. I have also identified bonuses for me from this RS that I wouldn't otherwise have. I have made this educated choice and commitment to stay to the point that I am getting married on Sunday. I am in this to the end and there is no delusions or magical thinking

Congrats Waverider!

For me personally, I have gone through every emotion possible this past year.  In 6 days it will be a year that my wife had her MAJOR dysregulation and kicked me out.  The stages of denial, anger, depression, bargaining and acceptance are all correct for the most part and we tend to fluctuate or carry two at the same time sometimes.

I started off in the denial stage when everything went down.  I blamed myself for everything, apologized for things that weren't my fault and began bargaining to "keep the peace".  I realize up until recently, I had been bargaining and allowing myself to be used thinking my wife would come around and see what a "good man" I was.  It only made things worse because it created extinction bursts in her.  Wow, how sad am I?  

Up until recently, I still bargained and continued the cycle without even realizing it at times.  Now that I'm not and holding my ground, my wife doesn't like it one bit.  She isn't used to it and used to me being conditioned to giving in to her.  She is a witch when she doesn't get her way.  

The first 6-8 months, I was in denial about how unhelathy my wife really was/is.  I would wish for "old times" all the while denying the truth of how bad it was to myself.  When I would begin to deal with the truth, I would get angry and make things worse.  I got angry because I wanted to fix it even though I know I can't.  That is God's to handle.  Because of my co-dependency issues, I wanted to fix it, therefore still part of the fight and wanted to be heard and loved.  

When I wasn't, I would go through depression and wonder what was wrong with me.  I would get over that pretty quick and when she would realize I wasn't playing her game, she would begin to want to be around me again.  I would then be excited when being "painted white", and then start bargaining again.  I would get angry about the cycle, but never express it.  For the most part, everything would be "normal" and then when she didn't get her way about something, she would dysregulate and victimize me.  I never set proper boundaries when I would be victimized so that it didn't happen agioan.  I cycled throught that for months.  Yes, I was working on myself, but took 6-8 months to "radically accept" my wife for who she was/is.  I accept the fact that she is mentally unhealthy and needs professional help.  I accept the fact that she want's to fight, but I won't.  Her misery loves company and she needs to see strength in me because she doesn't have much.  I just recently got to the point where she can get mad, rant, rave, threaten/continue with the divorce all she wants, but she needs to know I respect myself much more now, love our kids, respect them enough not to continue the cycle, and refuse to be used.  I want all 6 of our kids to know that I am doing what's right by all of us.  She's not speaking to me now because she didn't take care of what she needed to.  We haven't spoken outside of softball last weekend for almost two weeks.  When we have these kind of LC breaks like we are now, I get stronger and realize I'm lovingly detaching more and more. 
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« Reply #52 on: June 25, 2015, 10:40:13 AM »

To be blunt, I feel like all we do is kiss a BPDs ass to keep the peace. But it's not said in as many words and made to sound like we are 'changing' our selves and validating their emotions. How about my emotions? How about validating that I deal with BS?

I totally hear you, Castle and until recently I felt exactly as you do. I started learning the Tools with hopes that I could change him and then I became frustrated when it became evident that he thrives upon creating conflict where there needn't be any. From that point, I just grew a bit more detached and thought "fu@k it--I'm done worrying about his emotions; I'm just gonna take care of me."

His most recent dysregulation, where he told me that "It's over" and he's going to move out left me thinking that wouldn't be such a bad thing after all. Sure I would be somewhat lonely without him and it would be more difficult financially, but ultimately things would work out. I told him that is his decision, but it's certainly not what I want.

A few days later, things have calmed down. He's depressed, but I get an email telling me that he loves me.

At this point, I'm so jaded to the black/white painting, I just think "OK, whatever." It's certainly not my idea of what a marriage should be, but I do like him when he's in a good mood. I don't know if I'll ever feel that passionate love I felt at the beginning, but really, who does after a number of years?

Like Waverider points out, there can be some valuable parts to a relationship in spite of the frustrating issues and like him, I'm in it for the long haul. Congratulations Waverider!

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« Reply #53 on: June 25, 2015, 11:16:58 AM »

Staff only

This thread has reached its posting limit. It's a worthwhile conversation. Please feel free to start a new thread to continue three discussion.
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