It seems that my gf wBPD or maybe NPD can be ready for a fight at any time, for sure if anything is causing stress. But it seems that she actually causes fights right before sleep, like we are in bed winding down right before going to sleep and bang she will start in with something nasty and any attempt to talk her down by me just escalates her. Is this common?
And sometimes she wakes up in the morning, comes out of the shower and bang! Fights on with a with a wierd angle... .something like "I hate you, but don't have time to fight because I got to go to work and it is stressful"<this is her.
Come to think about it, the night fight is about the same... .I want to fight but its time to go to sleep so don't say anything back that will upset me more than I'm upsetting myself?
I'd say it about 85% night fights, 10% morning and 5% the rest of the time. If I leave b4 her in the morning after a night fight she will usually call or txt to find out if I've left her... .something like are you still doing such and such with me or do I need to make other plans?
Is this how BPD works?
Yes. There's some aspect to it that they get to thinking about something and can't let it go. Picking a fight with you is their way of letting it go : by pouring a big gulp of gasoline on it and lighting a match.
You've probably had the experience that you get a thought into your head that, say, your wife is being deliberately messy around the house to give you more work, or perhaps that she might have the hots for someone at work, whatever. Something that gives you a bad feeling but has little or no supporting evidence. As a regular person you'd probably ponder this feeling for a bit, consider the lack of evidence, say "Meh" and crack open a beer, watch the game, forget about it. pwBPD don't do this. They mull over and stoke the feeling until it blows up into an accusation or rage. The lack of evidence and low statistical likelihood for the event does not hold sway with them -- if they feel something, their brain makes it into reality for them.
The skill you need to acquire is to not rise to the bait. Hard to do, especially under stress, but much easier to do once you understand the mechanism.
