still baffled

[wek]

i've known the girl of my dreams for more than 5 years, we fell in love and became an item less than a year ago. that was also the same time she introduced me to the term BPD when she confided in me about her own suspicion of the illness while chancing upon an article online of another BPD. back then, i had already known about the self inflicted scars on both her thighs but never thought too much of them of the illness because everything was fine and 'normal'. we had never been happier in our respective failed relationships and once we found each other, the world seemed perfect.

i progressively learned more and more about the illness with resources i could find online after increasing incidents of what i would call 'normal and petty bickers' which rapidly escalated into the biggest fights blown completely out of proportion. i remembered how i would not even remember how or what we were even fighting about anymore. i remembered her calling me names i never imagined myself to be labeled with and saying nasty things and accusing me of being nasty instead. it was really hard at first because i do not have a terrific temper to begin with and i was too consumed by the hurtful words i thought i didn't deserve.

on good days, we were like the perfect union and of course, i would be her hero in everything i did or just doing nothing at all. i thought since she was the first who suggested and bought up about the illness, it would be easy for me to try discuss the issue in depth and even consider the option of seeking treatment. i was wrong. she accused me of using the illness against her and as an excuse to every fight at first and i tried not to bring the term up at all for a while. slowly, we would talk about it in bits and pieces but nothing too direct or full scale. she always claimed to be in much control of her BPD which i never doubted because i could see her trying hard and giving in to my infamous tantrums at times. to her, everything was fine as long as there was nothing to trigger a fight or an outburst or anything negative. but for me, the problem is present all the time because as long as nothing negative is happening, she worships my existence and yearn for my presence. her job requires her to fly out of the country frequently, sometimes as long as a week but it is something everyone around her including me and herself, had gotten used to because she's done it for 7, 8 years?

with me in the picture now, she sometimes dreads being away. i am not overjoyed for her to be away frequently but i appreciate its benefits to the relationship as it allows personal space (which i need a lot in my relationship) and time away from each other. i would miss her whenever she's away and even though it's sometimes hard especially during special/festive occasions, i regard this 'missing' and 'longing for' as a blessed feeling/bond/connection that signifies the place we have in each other's heart. but for her, not being physically next to me isn't so pleasant. in her words, missing me is a sadness which i cannot relate with at all. this sadness occupies a huge part of her which affects nearly everything she does. if she's coping with missing me (after not seeing me for 3-4 days) and someone passes a negative remark at work, it becomes devastating. this is one thing i find hard to deal with because i would feel responsible for this sadness and i find myself being unable to carry out my regular tasks/routines without being distracted/affected or feeling the need to take breaks to look at my phone, to comfort her and check on her. i cannot deny that it's affected my productivity at work and i dare not tell her about it because i still cannot think of an acceptable way (in her terms) of putting it.

i am still in this relationship because i love her very much and she's been wonderful to me (when i'm not fuelling her BPD to rage). most of all, we share a bond that has been built from the friendship of 5 years and now that i've learned about her illness, it's not just a decision between to stay (and deal with the BPD as well) or to leave (and be free of it). on my stronger days, i thought about it and that if the BPD didn't exist, we would probably still be fighting over the same things or even other things but i was sure none would have gotten out of hand or became a threat to the relationship. so essentially, that's the only thing between us and i believe we have the capability to overcome it. right now, i just don't know how to make her see that she has a choice to want to overcome it.

2 weeks ago, i chanced upon online as i was doing my usual reading up on BPD - the buddha and the borderline by kiera van gelder. from the great reviews written by borderlines (some recovered and in recovery), i thought i would take a chance and i purchased the book for her. mainly, i wanted her to be comforted by the words more valuable than mine and from someone more credible than myself. i knew that however supportive i can be, she may never feel less alone because i will never really understand what she's going through. i also wanted her to know that she can get out of this and it doesn't have to be someone she (and i) need to deal with for the rest of her life. i wasn't pushy about her thoughts after reading the book, i didn't want to make her feel like my intention was to emphasize on BPD and that it's a reminder of our rocky relationship. even more so because we were having a peaceful 1 week without any outbursts or fights. just a few days ago, she mentioned that she didn't get much out of the book because the dialectical behavior therapy and some of the other treatment methods were not something new to her. in fact, the book made her realised that she had self-taught the treatment unknowingly, over the years. the book only taught her that these methods she's been using are actually recognised therapies and treatments.

so there goes the option of seeking professional help because she will not be getting any help that she didn't already know about. or that's what she believes, at least. she is a very clever girl and i never doubt her incredible knowledge on things around the world that may not be of proximity to her environment. and when she encounters something she knows little of, you can be sure that she's right on it to satisfy her curiosity and thirst for information. for that, i'm glad that she is resourceful enough to find out about the disease on her own, if she wants to. at the same time, it worries me that she is completely convinced that she will never find help that is better and more effective than what she's taught and providing for herself.

just last night, we planned to have dinner after our respective day at work. we were exchanging texts in our usual manner, lighthearted, loving and pleasant. i got to her place 15 minutes early and while waiting outside her apartment for her to wash up and get ready, i jokingly texted to tell her that i was going to the dinner venue on my own since i was famished. there wasn't anything amiss or unusual in her reply that followed and there was some humour in it which was an indication (to me at least) that she knew i was kidding. anyway, i would often play silly pranks on her and making jokes like that wasn't anything new at all. it wasn't just normal in our relationship but it was me, something i've been known to do, making meaningless jokes, making nonsensical and useless statements for a forgettable few seconds. so, by the time she got out and into the car, she was clearly upset and also wiping away some tears. i was SHOCKED. i still can't explain why i was unable to hold her and coax her into resuming our plan for dinner but at that moment, with the combination of her reaction which i totally didn't expect and her progressively getting angrier (as i stayed calm and quiet to compose and control myself from firing up a storm) and her saying that i was being mean to her.

i don't know what's her definition of me being mean. that i made a stupid joke? i was just being me. that i didn't wait for her? but it was a joke and i really couldn't have gone off without her because i didn't know the place we were going and she did. that i didn't want to wait for her? again, i naively thought she knew better, she was always quick to see through my bluffs and discover any surprises prematurely. i just could not find anything to say. i wanted to apologise but it didn't make sense to me and i was just overwhelmed with SHOCK, still. i wanted to get us out of the situation as quick as possible because i saw it escalating already, so i started driving and she asked if i was just going to remain silent, i told her honestly that i was just shocked and it was a joke and i was sorry. the tone of her voice grew and volume rose as she repeated how tired from work she felt and how could i be so mean to her. i repeated that i was joking. she continued with that tone and volume saying how she had a long and horrible day but i couldn't care and instead chose to be mean. okay, now, i didn't know she had  bad day at work, we only just met for a minute and hadn't a chance to talk about our respective days at all. when she continued with the berating, i lost it and raised my voice repeating that i was joking, hoping she would hear me better (obviously i should know better she wouldn't and i was making things worse).

she got off the car at the red light 3 minutes after we drove off. she said she didn't deserve this. and the rest of it, i don't need to go into details. i'm still baffled. this is the first time i couldn't make sense of it. essentially, it was not something i did. usually i would see my fault in every incident, how something i did wrong that triggered an outburst, how something negative i shouldn't have done that's made it worse. but this... .i should have been someone else and not myself. it sudden occurred to me that i could no longer be myself in the most basic way i know how.

she sent me more than 30 texts with hateful remarks. that she was sick of dealing with me being mean, my foul temper and most of all, she said "how dare you say i have BPD" and "you're the one with the BPD". i know i'm not suppose to take her hurtful remarks personally but this time, it just hurt so bad.

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