17 days of VLC/NC. - First date

[misuniadziubek]

Met up with my BPDbf for the first time in 17 days last night. I thought I'd write about this while I'm still very rational

- He didn't start to feel insecure/worried/abandoned until I started showing signs of being fine with the break as opposed to how emotional I was when I first left him.

- Since it was a 'break' it was implied that it was okay to see other people. He tried 'dating' someone pretty much right away, where they were sleeping over regularly and hanging out. He came to the conclusion he wasn't interested in them once they expressed developing 'feelings' and at the same time he became insecure that I was moving on. This person was younger/acted younger, more like him apparently.

- He expressed insecurities that the relationship was over/ we'd grown apart once he saw me in person because I dressed up somewhat more maturely in order to accommodate going on a date(grey sweater, beaded necklace, and heels). This is probably the most confusing part of all of this. 1)He's complained before that I don't put in as much effort as I used to, to look attractive for him (hoodies and jeans and sneakers) 2)He literally wanted me to change into a regular t-shirt. It was kind of ridiculous.

-He's not going to do DBT. This one just kind of hits me right in the gut. He still 'might' but for now he's canceled his appointment with his counselor because he called them up to ask if it was okay if he was 10 minutes late and they were very iffy about it, so he said 'forget it' and got all angry about it. If this ends up being the case, eventually this might be a serious deal breaker for me. I told him that we were gonna do this break in order to grow and figure things out and it seems like he's used it to dull his feelings in new ways.

- I told him that I don't appreciate him comparing me to his conquests because it leaves me feeling insecure but it almost feels like he feeds off that vulnerability in me. He doesn't see anything wrong with anything because first and foremost he's chosen to be with me. My emotional insecurities seem like a drug for him, because It makes him feel less insecure about losing me, since I'm so ... .attached.

- I literally felt those caretaker habits take over me for a bit there. Nothing substantial, but just simply observing how often I felt like 'fixing things' and taking care of him considering I've just spent about 2.5 weeks abstaining from that. It actually feels wrong, somehow toxic, to now descend back into that. Kind of the way that you take a 2 week break from sugary foods and when you try it again for the first time, it tastes too sweet. I get a high off it, but it is so temporary and it leaves me feeling absolutely drained after.

- Most intense realisation: My BPDbf is extremely emotionally draining. When it comes to him, my whole world kind of falls away and I forget about everything else/ everyone else. This is useful when I'm under a lot of stress and need to cope, but on a regular basis, it's actually not at all healthy. I think I need to learn to detach from his needs and focus on myself way more often. There has to be a balance and up until this point, it's been extremely one sided. I've been like a cat running after catnip.

The date was nice. It was kind of strange picking up where we left off after such a long break.

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[misuniadziubek]

Lol. He called me up twice today. Once while driving back home and once while shopping.

He tells me that he really likes talking to me. It's sometimes a lot better than 'seeing me'. I'm laugh and respond: ."That's kind of funny, since you also really like to hang up on me."

"Oh well, I get frustrated easily, so it feels better to just hang up and deal with it." Fair enough.

Then he tells me that he isn't sure if he 'likes' me, but he really hopes that things work out between us.

[vortex of confusion]

Then he tells me that he isn't sure if he 'likes' me, but he really hopes that things work out between us.

UGH! It drives me nuts when they talk out of both sides of their mouth at once. How can he hope things work out if he isn't even sure that he likes you?

That sounds frustrating.

How do you feel about things as you get some distance on it? What do you feel like YOU need to move forward in the relationship with him?

[misuniadziubek]

Then he tells me that he isn't sure if he 'likes' me, but he really hopes that things work out between us.

UGH! It drives me nuts when they talk out of both sides of their mouth at once. How can he hope things work out if he isn't even sure that he likes you?

That sounds frustrating.

How do you feel about things as you get some distance on it? What do you feel like YOU need to move forward in the relationship with him?

Honestly, the idea of change, even in the dynamic makes him anxious. During this break, I've been assertive and very independent. That's a significant difference from being actively addicted to doting on him all the time and responding to his every need. He doesn't know how to deal with that change.

In his first relationship, a break, though initiated by his gf, implied the beginning of the complete end. He's extremely apt to find patterns, so me asserting that we continue the break after he's broken down emotionally and asked for its termination is an emotional shock to him, as if his fears are founded. So he tries to distance himself and withdraw to analyse things better.

I need him to stop wigging out. If he wants to continue this relationship, things are really stable right now. There's a plethora of things we can both improve on and he himself admits he wants everything in the relationship to get to a healthy medium.

I also want him to do the DBT. I've dabbled in it enough to see that it's pretty effective. Was watching a video on dealing with a crisis yesterday and thought how much better I could have handled things in the past, had I those tools at my disposal. I don't have borderline, but I have experienced the effects of intense emotional dysregulation. Never as frequently as him, about two dozen or so episodes in the last 7 years, but I can see how his dysfunctional coping mechanisms could seem valid yet make things much worse.

This break has highlighted the issues for both of us. I really don't see a reason to give up. We're pretty compatible it seems. Will simply have to wait and see.