DearBFF
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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Friend
Posts: 195
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« on: June 18, 2015, 02:25:12 PM » |
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So a few interesting updates on my BFF with BPD traits... .
We finally started hanging out again and she said she was interested in hearing the information I had on her "issues" as she calls them. I was nervous, but she was so level and open to hearing I decided it was the right time to talk. I pulled out my notes on the 9 BPD traits and explained to her to think about each one as it related to her, that I was not judging or diagnosing her, just trying to share information she might find helpful. As we started out she asked for clarification here or there, and shared a few examples of how she saw each as present in her life. As we got towards the end she had shorter answers, usually "yes" and "next one" so those flew by. When I had first researched BPD and read over the list of 9 I thought maybe 7/9, but I couldn't really answer no sense of self and feeling of emptiness because that was something I had never asked before. I got through the last one and she said "yes" and "next one" so I had to tell her that was it that I had listed all 9, and she said yes to every single one. When I explained what those were the symptoms were she was a little taken back with the words Borderline Personality Disorder, but when I explained the most common factor was dysregulated emotions she said "Can we just call it that?" And we both laughed... .I explained that those 9 symptoms are listed in the DSM with everything from depression, ocd, eating disorders, autism, so many things and personality disorders are just one part. We talked a bit more then and on our next visit and she has been extremely open and interested in everything I have had to say. If she believes I misunderstand something she explains it from her point of view, I try to use SET and reexplain if I believe she misunderstands something I am saying. Not sure if she's going to bring it up with her psychiatrist, but I am so very glad that she was willing to hear me out and that she now has an understanding of behaviors that I have seen that she has in some part not been aware of before. She says she is enjoying learning about herself and trying to understand so she can see them too, and I gave her a DBT workbook she has actually started using in order to "better" herself as she puts it. I know that it may only be a matter of time before she has another BPD flare up and I may be again tossed to the wind, but now that I know what to expect (and things I can do to avoid triggers) I think it will be much better now that I can actually discuss it with her.
I have before mentioned her boyfriend who is a seemingly nice guy and early this week she discussed possibly moving in with him (it's been about 3 months) and their future together, hopefully soon getting engaged, married, and eventually buying a home together, even planning on children down the road. Well as sometimes happens she wasn't exactly telling the whole truth and last night I heard the whole story including that she has come to feel suffocated and just about everything he does gets on her nerves. Unfortunately, she is not being completely truthful with him about this and so he thinks everything is fine. At first listening to her I simply thought ah BPD, but as she continued speaking I could see anyone would be getting a little frustrated with his behavior. He is practically living at her house, doesn't contribute anything financially even though he spends hours there when she is at work using water/electric (even with extra income from tenants he has renting out a spare room at his place since he's never there), and he barely helps her clean even though him and his dog make most of the mess. She said she mentions some of the frustrations as they happen, but it seems he may not be taking her seriously because he doesn't change his behavior or try to compromise. After much discussion she said she'd like to tell him she doesn't want to move in together and would like him to spend less time at her place, and I agreed that sounded like a good plan. However, after much more discussion and going back to her place to find the place messy and smelling of dog pee and poop from his dog, she was fed up. By the time I left she had decided to just break up with him, saying it is too serious and she isn't ready for that. She wants to make her own life with her daughter and date around and not feel tied down. Again, I completely agreed as this is what all of her friends/family have said since her husband filed since divorce. I jokingly said something along the lines of, "So it'll be what another 2 weeks before you find a new boy to call boyfriend, and he moves in another 2 weeks after that... ." She said absolutely not, but that's what she says each time... .
I feel for the boyfriend if she cuts him loose that she has such frustration towards him, but she doesn't like confrontation so she doesn't talk to him about it. Is this common with BPD? They just keep it to themselves until they explode, or simply end the relationship? It's like so many stories I read here on the message boards, the poor guy has no idea and thinks it's all great; yet I think she is doing the right thing if she does break up with him because she is unhappy. However, I don't know how she will find a good, stable, honest relationship if she can't learn to be open and discuss things with her significant other? She uses phrases like, "It's not like we're married... ." and I don't see what difference that makes, not speaking the truth doesn't make it any less true, pretending like you're truly happy when you aren't doesn't make it so. I tried to talk to her about telling him the whole truth and not just kicking him to the curb, but she says things like "I don't see what good will come of that" and when I say doesn't she feel like she should tell him she says "No, I feel no guilt, no remorse" so they will break up and it will be "in the past" so why does it matter that she be honest with him about how she feels. Love her bunches and I'm glad I can be here for her while she's figuring this all out, but I definitely feel for the guy who is kind of being blind sighted. While he seems like a nice guy overall and is sweet to her young daughter, he did make some comments to her that I know she didn't appreciate about the BPD which leads me to believe he is truly not the right guy for her. She had out her DBT workbook and was reading and taking notes, he walked in and told her that "nothing is wrong" with her and that all of the stuff in that book is "just common sense" like it's easy to figure out. If he can't be understanding of her DBT and supportive of her working towards understanding it and choosing different behaviors, I definitely don't think it will ever be a healthy relationship.
Thoughts?
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