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Author Topic: I have MS my wife has BPD.  (Read 359 times)
Is it hope

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 8


« on: June 18, 2015, 06:10:10 PM »

Wow, I have been reading so many familiar scenarios on this site.  I have been married for 32 years.  I stayed with my wife for the first 20 years for the kids (that is what I told myself).  In many ways I am lucky, but in many ways I feel like any moment can turn into a major crises.  I have learned some good things from this site.  I did handle a major rage a couple of months ago better than I ever would have before (I walked out of the room and told her I would come back when her little rage was over, not the best thing to say but at least I didn't stay and get more frustrated and become more upset because she was being so illogical and nothing I usually say, no matter what I say, seems to ever do anything but fan the fire).  But I still have so much further to go. 

Two days ago a conversation about where to park my son's car while he arranges a move, turned to her getting upset.  I let her follow through on what she was doing (angrily moving her car, though that was not my intent on what needed to be done), then I completed what I had intended to do (moving my son's Jeep).  It was not a major blow up, it could have been worse... .but then nothing was resolved as far as feelings or whatever.  This was a day after we had both enjoyed a nice road trip. She did not give me the silent treatment.  But, oh my, it is still so draining.  I don't feel that any level of trust will ever be built up between us (trust as in believing I always have her best interest at heart, and not trying to annoy her).  Anyway, as I mention in the subject line above I have MS.  And stress is not a good thing for us MS types, I physically felt the after effects of that minor confrontation for the next two days. 

I did mention in many ways I am lucky, my wife has good relations with the children, they are all grown, and never have to experience her worst moments, yet they do get frustrated with her too (when trying to explain how a smart phone works, for example, when she gets it in her head to not want to learn it is very frustrating).  I know I will never leave her, but at the same time my MS will never go away and I am sure she will stay fundamentally the same as we age.

I know this post is long, and I apologize for that. One other thing I have struggled with is whether to tell any of my children that my wife is BPD (undiagnosed, but pretty well fits).  I did vent, not in anger, to one of my children (the nurse in the family) and she was understanding, but I don't want to say anything that will hurt her relationship with my wife, and I don't know if it would help the kids or not.
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This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

vortex of confusion
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3234



« Reply #1 on: June 18, 2015, 07:32:20 PM »

 

Welcome to the forums!

Have you had a chance to jump into the lessons yet? There is a lot of good stuff there. I have been around for close to a year and I am still finding little jewels of information in the lessons.

It sounds like you are in a tough situation.

How long has your wife exhibited these behaviors? Did she act like this when the kids were younger or is this something new that has developed over time?

I have talked to my kids a little bit about dad's behavior because they have expressed frustration about him. My kids are 14 and under so my situation is different than yours. However, I think I would look at whether or not the kids have expressed any frustration, etc. over her behavior. If they do, then you can share your suspicions but not as a way of being mean but more as a way of saying, "I love your mom and I want to find a way to get along with her better."
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Is it hope

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 8


« Reply #2 on: June 19, 2015, 12:10:46 AM »

Yes, after about three months of marriage me wife wanted to divorce... .and yet not.  I was in a rescuing mode then.  She had just been in an abusive marriage for ten years.  Of course I followed her lead and blamed her ex for everything bad in her life, including her confusing behavior.  I just figured that once we were married long enough she would learn that I was not like her ex and everything would be normal.  I really thought she had PTSD or something.  She had four girls under the age of eight and she got pregnant soon after we married... .plus I come from a background where marriage is pretty much final.  And though I never had any legal claim on my step-daughters, I thought their lives would be better with me around, rather than enduring another divorce
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Is it hope

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 8


« Reply #3 on: June 19, 2015, 12:33:43 PM »

Thanks Vortex, I will at least tell my daughter.  I guess the fear in doing that comes from a notion I got somewhere, that often family members feelings toward the pwBPD is worse after learning BPD is the source of the behaviors.
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vortex of confusion
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3234



« Reply #4 on: June 19, 2015, 01:00:39 PM »

How long have the two of you been married?

I think there are ways of talking about it without coming right out and saying that a person has BPD. You can look at the list of characteristics and say stuff like, "Mom has a problem managing her emotions." It is acknowledging that there is a problem and talking about them without lumping them all together and saying that somebody has a specific label.

I was afraid to talk to my kids about some of this because I didn't want too be seen as trying to turn them against their dad and I didn't want to feel like I was trying to triangulate. The key is to try to keep the conversation about your spouse as loving as possible.
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