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Author Topic: need advice on what to do next.  (Read 364 times)
wek

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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 4


« on: June 18, 2015, 10:05:28 PM »

hi, i am new to this community and i am glad i found it because it's been the loneliest journey since my relationship with my BPD. i used to be someone who was able to at least share my relationship woes with friends, whether that helped my problems, i was able to let it out of my chest.

now i've lost that. i respect and love my BPD a lot and that has stopped me from talking about it to people i regularly talk to. i can't even get a second opinion on my decisions and that's especially frustrating now that i have become doubtful of my own judgement more than ever in my 35 years of life after having my perception being constantly questioned by the person i'm in an intimate relationship with. i've learned a lot more about the illness through online resources after being first introduced to it by my BPD herself in the start of our relationship when she confided in me about her own suspicion of suffering from it. we have not sought any professional treatment, she isn't at all keen and i am still trying to warm the topic up in conversations as it is a rather sensitive one to bring up (even though she brought it up and suggested she has BPD first).

we've been having more dramatic fights and as much as i thought i've learn a few tips to handle some of the situations better than before (from online reading), i've also noticed that it's been trickier to manage my BPD at times. it used to get better once i put my ego aside to stay by her side and keep very quiet instead of risking losing my temper and returning nasty remarks or get defensive. the last incident was 2 nights ago and i found myself still stuck in a dilemma as i woke up this morning with it unresolved.

2 nights ago, a simple dinner plan turned upside down when she took didn't take my joke well, overreacted and started berating me. i was at first stunned by the misunderstanding as i presumed she would know for sure that it was a joke and instead of getting defensive, i remained very silent to keep my mouth shut. (i have a very hot and quick temper and have been trying to, first of all things, shut up before saying anything stupid) she got more upset that i had little to say and i raised my voice while repeating to her that "i was kidding" to emphasize on it after she continued to accuse me of being mean when i said it softly the first time. okay yes i could have done better and not raise my voice, i'm still learning to handle outbursts. so everything happened very quickly after wards, she stormed off because she insisted that i wouldn't budge and she refused to allow me to continue yelling at her. (all i said was "i was kidding" and she was the one yelling at me, seriously. yeah and she couldn't see it at all as usual)

after which, she continued her nasty and hateful remarks with over 30 text messages. i was trying so hard to refrain from countering every single unjust statement she made, it was SO HARD. it's almost like watching a friend get wrongly accused of something he didn't do and not standing up for him. so anyway, i texted her saying that i needed to not engage in the text conversation with her because it would make things worse and i would end up saying nasty things i wished i didn't say. the hateful remarks from her continued pouring in and i reinforced the same sentiment of not wanting to keep up with the texts.

summary of the chain of texts she sent:

she's had a long day at work and i couldn't be nice but chose to be mean to her (by kidding about something which isn't unexpected of me at all to make silly jokes or to pull her leg). i've created this massive turbulence because i refused to stop yelling at her when she asked me to (when i raised my voice to repeat that "i was just kidding". that she will no longer tolerate me being mean and yelling at her. she also claimed that she's been dealing with my moods and temper but she's got no patience for it today (i cannot deny her of her efforts either every other day). after it got apparent that i was not going to reply anymore, she texted to say that she's done talking to me when i couldn't be bothered to listen and most of all, i should be the one with the BPD, not her.

by the way, this was my first real attempt at taking a time-out from what i considered a verbal abuse (almost completely one-sided conversation with her constant berating and the points i make do not matter). i would usually respond to defend, explain, apologise, attempt to calm her or the situation and in the beginning of the relationship, i would even naively analyse the incident for her and meticulously elaborate on every detail, without positive results of course. most of the time, things will get a lot worse with more input from me, plus the fact that i could no longer sit through the nasty remarks directed at me, i decided i should try to handle it differently this time and just not add fuel to the fire by replying.

her last text was for me to go think about it and talk to her when i am ready. it's like the entire table had been turned. my refusal to continue talking because of her verbal abuse became her time-out from me while i go do some serious thinking until i'm ready to talk to her? this is where my dilemma comes in. we've not spoken since, it's been nearly 3 days. i want to talk to her again because i want things to get better and i want us to get over this like we always would somehow. but i have no idea what to say or how to start the conversation. surely i can't pretend like nothing's happened and the first thing to address must be related with what just happened right? i'm really hoping that i can stay firm this time and not take all the blame just to move on from this and to a next chapter, that would continue this vicious cycle because i can't run from it forever. i am quite sure she wouldn't initiate to talk to me first with the intention of making peace and if i should get a call from her first, i am almost certain that i'll be hearing "I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU JUST LEFT ME TO DIE" and i would inevitably agree that i've in a way cause her to feel 'abandoned'. (she has a tendency to cut herself. she has multiple deep scars, old and new. the self mutilation is way better now than it was when she was younger

but it hasn't come to a complete stop and past incidents/outbursts similar to this extent had triggered her to cut again. however, she isn't suicidal nor does she threatens to cut or do anything stupid)

i really don't know what to do. please advise.
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vortex of confusion
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3234



« Reply #1 on: June 19, 2015, 12:57:44 AM »

It sounds like you did a good job of stepping back. No, it wasn't perfect but this stuff is difficult. It is really hard to sit back and listen/read stuff that is hurtful. In the future, could you turn off your phone and not look at the texts?

Have you gotten into the lessons much? There is a really good one that has a lot of information about surviving confrontation and disrespect: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206.msg913191#msg913191

The lesson about communication might be good to review as well: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206.msg913190#msg913190
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wek

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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 4


« Reply #2 on: June 19, 2015, 09:13:30 PM »

thanks vortex, your simple reply already made me feel a lot better as it's the first time i've ever had a response, an interaction with another human being about this issue that's been weighing on me day in and out. it's given me some hope!

i've been reading up on the resources i can find, i'm still very much at a beginner's stage of the learning process and i do find myself catching me reacting wrongly or too quickly but i'm also slowly seeing some improvements on that. each time, i would reflect on what happened, how things got out of control, what i said, what i could have done instead etc. and i'd tell myself to do better next time. just that, with every following episodes, it drained a little bit more out of me and i'm sure my bp feels the same too.

to her, she's been hanging on and putting up with my screw-ups each time it happened, forgiving me for the immense pain i caused her and my slow progress in fixing my flaws (i.e learning to deal with the BPD effectively) has been wearing her out as it's beginning to seem like i'm just taking her for granted.

honestly i couldn't resent her for that even if i wanted to because i allowed it from the beginning without knowing how to deal with it which in turn resulted in me taking the blame, agreeing with her that i was the culprit, apologising for hurting her and asking for another chance to prove that i can be better. i realised i would get stuck at the very same stage like i am now, even with my little change in initiating for a time-out, i feel the urge to revert to the same method because it is the only way i know how to initiate contact with her. (since the fight a few nights ago, we have yet spoken and i am certain she isn't considering making the move)

i've learned so much on how i can better manage during an outburst and even preventing one from escalating, unfortunately and sadistically, i will only get better with practice. meaning, there are bound to be more of these episodes and a fraction of them to go out of hand before i perfect it. my bp doesn't flip from being upset to acting like nothing has happened the next day. the only way to close the case is to conclude it and so far it hasn't been anything like we are both guilty of messing up, we are both sorry etc. i'm expecting her to be very hostile especially if i have no intention to apologise. by now, after an extended period of not calling her, she might have progressed/reduced to the state of helplessness/depression and believing that i've made up my mind to abandon her this time. i can't pick up the phone to finally call her without seeking redemption.  or maybe i just don't know how it could be possible otherwise.

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