Hello New Guy here

[Over My Head]

Let's see an introduction to my story.  I met this gal last summer and we hit it off really fast.  From practically our first meeting she was very infatuated with me and always pressured me about moving in.  Finally I gave in.  Quickly she started giving me all the details of her past:  She has never been faithful in any relationship in her life.  She has over ten suicide attempts including a GSW to the head.  She was a cutter.  Eating disorder.  Bipolar.  Multiple relationships all ending poorly.  Drug use.  Wanting to be polyamorous.  Of course this was behind her, things were going to be different with me. 

Honestly and I don't want to blow my own horn here but I've been great to her.  I support and value her.  I stick up for her with friends and family.  I'm kind.  I do everything but it's never good enough.  I can be doing something really nice for her and the next thing I know we are in a huge argument over something like:  well the last argument was started because I said "good boy" to her dog who happens to be a girl dog.  I was corrected and berated and it just kept going on and on. 

Let's see... .last week she was trying to get me out of the house and I discovered it was because she trying to have some guy she met online to come over and have sex with her in our bed.  I forgave her.  You'd think she'd feel bad and be nice but since she still starts arguments over nothing and I think she's texting a different guy now.  Of course when I try and kick her out she gets all emotional, starts weeping, says how sorry she is, and that it will never happen again.  This goes on and on.  Of course with everyone else she is very nice.  Except people like her boyfriend whom she always inappropriately calls her fiance in front of everyone.  I relent, I do love her and I realize she is very sick but the quality of my life has gone from about a 9 when I met her to about a 2.  She has no ability or desire to support me and my issues.  We went out for my birthday to a dinner and show with my family and she didn't even bother getting a card or a small gift.  I had to lie to them and say she already gave me the gift and told them it was the new shoes I was wearing (which I had bought myself the week before). 

This is just a really brief summary.  Thanks for listening. 

Sometimes I just want to drop her off at the store put the car in drive and not stop till I get to the other coast.  Seriously that's my best plan right now. 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[DearBFF]

So sorry, Over My Head... .I really feel for you as I now have a BFF who may be dumping her boyfriend and the situations are very similar.  She arrived at this conclusion after telling me just this week that she was going to move in with him, plans to get engaged (after her divorce goes through), marry, buy a house together, and have kids.  The guy however, has no idea that she's feeling smothered.  Could your girlfriend perhaps feel the same way?

It seems that when she feels like someone relies on her too much or is there too much, or she could actually need them she acts out.  I'm not sure how one is supposed to transition from dating to moving in with someone who has BPD, it seems like inevitably they just can't handle it anymore even though it seems like a great idea at first; especially when they are in the initial clingy phase when all is well.  I can't imagine what it is like for someone like you just coming into it... .

I must say though that expectations need to truly be different.  I know that is difficult, unbelievably hard really, but it's the only way to not be repeatedly let down.  This week I have gotten repeatedly invited to hang out with BFF, last night she even invited my daughter and I back today.  After quite some time without much interaction or hanging out I was trying to not let myself believe everything she was saying, waiting for the letdown.  I believed last night, ok this is all good... .then today while waiting for the heads up about what time to bring my daughter over she takes a text I sent the wrong way and then never gets back in touch after scolding me over it.  My daughter was asking me at 9pm hours after we would have met up when we were going to visit them.  I must set up some boundaries to protect my little one, all she cares about is seeing her friend and she gets hurt, my fault for letting it happen.

Take care and know it is not you!  Sure we can do things that exasperate a situation, but they don't have the tools to work it out.

In most cases it's best to leave well enough alone and let them be what they are, while keeping yourself where they are; just because she gets into a bad mood doesn't mean you have to be.  It's hard, still learning this myself a bit.

[vortex of confusion]

 

Welcome to the forums!

I am always at a loss for words when I read people's introductory stories. I can read the pain and frustration. You are in a rough spot.

One of the things that most people recommend is to start educating yourself. This forum and website have lots and lots of information to help people navigate these difficult situations. You can find some really great lessons to the right. The first thing to do is to try to understand your partner's behaviors as well as your own. Even though this isn't your fault, there are things that we (the people without BPD or BPD traits) do to contribute to the situation even if that something is allowing them to treat us horribly and cross our boundaries and do things that we wouldn't normally allow.

Do you have any particular questions? If so, ask away. Also, if you have any questions as you read through the lessons, post them. If you are trying to figure out a specific situation, post about it and somebody will try to help you make sense of it.