Numb and defeated with his Silent Treatment

[DreamerGirl]

I think I may be over it.

Another bout of the silent treatment is being inflicted on me and i just feel like i can't keep going through this, the emotion lows are too hard.

He will do something hurtful and disrespectful and if I react, then I am treated to the silent treatment for however long he decides.  Lately it has been over a week.  Thankfully we don't live together, but in a way, that possibly makes it more difficult as i don't even have a chance to try and change his behavior. 

I feel empty and unloved, totally by how he can just cut me off like I do not exist.  All his words of love are conditional on me being the perfect girl for him and when that fails, he emotionally wipes me. 

I do love him, very much, but he is not and has not, been healthy for me emotionally.  I am getting stronger and closer to gaining mental strength to tell him this is over.  I'm trying to work on myself and my weaknesses and believe in myself enough to know I will be ok without him.  But this changes from hour to hour.

At the moment I feel so sad and angry, he treats me like crap, gives me the silent treatment and I am the one feeling terrible and the chances are he is off pursuing other women.  It hurts.  I feel like I should walk away and not look back.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[married21years]

hi, have you read up on co dependency.

be strong and be happy being alone before you re engage

you need support for you

we are all here 

[vortex of confusion]

 

Have you looked at the lessons lately? I know this stuff is hard. In Lesson 4

Surviving confrontation and disrespect - don't take it personally, learn not to be triggered, break the cycle of conflict, there is a lot of good information about disconnecting from this cycle so that you can stop taking things personally. I know it is hard not to take this stuff personally. You are being ignored by somebody that you love and that hurts like heck.

Here is the link to the lesson: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206.msg913191#msg913191

[mindwise]

Hi DreamerGirl,

I'm sorry you're going through this. Silent treatment sucks and it can be devastating.

I encourage you to find the strength to stand up to him. Don't tolerate abusive behavior, don't let him treat you like crap. Set in place your boundaries and your deal breakers.

VOC has pointed out good info (Lesson 4) on how to survive confrontation and disrespect.

You deserve to be in a loving and healthy relationship.

Best wishes

 

[DreamerGirl]

Thanks for the replies.

married21years - I have read up on co dependency and I do have a few traits, but it doesn't seem to fit me that well.  I was very co dependent from a child onward.  My need to be loved over rode my ability to say no, I would help anyone who needed me.  That was until about 8 years ago.  I suffered a trauma by my daughter being killed.  I had always tried my best to be the strong one, then, I couldn't be.  I'm fairly comfortable living alone, but my goal is to be in a loving partnership where I am living with the love of my life.  I can't see this happening in my current situation.

thanks vortex of confusion, I read up on the lessons today.  I particularly read the lessons on boundaries.  That is my failure.  I have not enforced my boundaries.  I do have some very important ones, but I haven't stuck by them in this relationship.  I tried in the early days but I need to think long and hard and try to figure out how to make the changes for myself.

thank you mindwise, it does suck and it always hurts me no matter how much I pretend otherwise.  I have read up on boundaries today, and a big one for me is respectfulness to each other, which he totally lacks, but I need that. So many of our problems have stemmed from this.

I'm using his Silent Treatment to reflect and work and my boundary regarding this.  How I am going to convey this to him when he decides my punishment is over. 

This is going to be hard, because this is something that deeply upsets me, each time he does it.  I can't think of any other boundary other than ending the relationship.  Before I set that boundary, I need to know I stand 100% behind it or it means nothing.

[Daniell85]

I just want to say I am so sorry about the loss of your daughter. My heart goes out to you. 

I have had poor boundries, too. And years down the line from where it began with my boyfriend, I am reflecting on why I went along with it. I was so scared he would leave. As soon as I tried to enforce a boundry, he would threaten to leave or imply he would.

I had losses of important people in my life, too. So basically I have gone to pieces every time he pulls this stunt on me. Essentially, he has been deliberately terrorizing me. In fact, numerous times, just before he would block me or begin ST, he would throw the loss of my loved ones in my face, tell me the loss was caused by how terrible a person I am, and when I cried out from the hurt,  he would block me, deactivate the chat account, and refuse to respond for long periods of time.

The upset that I felt, and do feel, as a result, has put me into some very dark places.

I have told him many times in the last year, him saying that is unacceptable to me, and I can't be close to someone who does that. He's slowed down on it, and didn't say it this time when he blocked me and ST began.

I am not sure that is a victory for me.

The point I am making, you lost a child. An immensely devastating and traumatic event for you. Is it possible your boyfriend is repeatedly setting off this deeply painful loss? He is probably smart enough to know what it is doing to you. My boyfriend knows what it is doing to me. Why are they doing it? To hurt us. It's a manipulative and deeply disrespectful behavior from them.

For you and I, the job of non reaction to someone we love and fear to lose... .who is deliberately and knowingly inflicting that re-traumatization... well only a mentally ill person would do that. I am not sure what it says about US.

I have found a therapist to help me find my way through this. I did tell mine last year that if he did this to me again, I am done. Well here I am, sucking at the boundry.

Did you already see a therapist? Or someone in real life who can help you through this maze?

[vortex of confusion]

thanks vortex of confusion, I read up on the lessons today.  I particularly read the lessons on boundaries.  That is my failure.  I have not enforced my boundaries.  I do have some very important ones, but I haven't stuck by them in this relationship.  I tried in the early days but I need to think long and hard and try to figure out how to make the changes for myself.

I know that working on boundaries has been a struggle for me as well. I have boundaries that I put up with others. Somewhere along the way, I relaxed them.

If you know what your values are, then work at putting boundaries in place to protect those values. It takes a lot of time to sort this stuff out. I found this site almost a year ago. I have made a lot of progress but still have a long way to go!

  You can do this. It takes patience and perseverance.

[patientandclear]

It's important that we all acknowledge that boundaries regarding ST or the pwBPD ending the relationship repeatedly, are very difficult.  The only effective ones I've seen are the partner saying if it happens again, I will not be here when you get back.

The people still on Staying who did that, had good experiences -- their pwBPD got the message and no longer pulls that particular lever.

But it doesn't always work that way, and then the partner ends up on Leaving.  You have to let go of the outcome when you do this & be prepared to accept any outcome (as Daniell says).  Terrible to threaten it and not follow through.  You get all the downside of creating abandonment fears, and none of the upside of making sure they know you mean what you say.

[DreamerGirl]

Thank you all for your replies.

Daniell85 thank you for your kind words. 

I really understand where you are coming from with poor boundaries.  I also wonder if this is intentional.  He love to pay me back, but I usually, mostly have no idea why.  I would never hurt someone intentionally, but, being honest to myself, there are times where I do have the gut feeling he uses my pain as leverage to strike out at me, to his advantage.  He knows I am vulnerable. 

He said to me if I hadn't suffered the loss of my daughter and my resulting depression, that I would not look twice at him.  He likes I am weak and vulnerable.  He is probably correct, in the respect that I was in a sad place when I met him.  I have grown, but he does not support me with my growth.

He can be so incredibly loving or so totally hurtful.  Depends where you are in his mind, on the day he his dishing out the love or punishment.







 

[ptilda]

You're not alone. I just entered this community a couple of days after I made the connection that my H likely has BPD (undiagnosed). It's my therapy to come here and read and encourage others and sometimes vent. I also have a strong network around me who know what's going on, and I'm working with a therapist who specializes in such disorders (she is a friend who has been a confidant from the beginning of my relationship with H, so she knows background info as well).

Get your hair cut. Manicure. Massage. Go out for the weekend. Buy a new dress. Go for a long walk. Watch a comedy. Laugh.

One thing I do is write encouraging verses of promise (I'm a Christian and know that's where my strength and his healing are found) on my bathroom mirror with a sharpie. I also look back sometimes at early messages to help remember the good times and know how it can be.

I've been learning that I have to balance my time between thinking/praying about him and thinking about something entirely unrelated, or I'll go nuts.

[DreamerGirl]

Welcome ptilda, very nice to have you here.

Thank you for your advice.  Physically re: haircut, massage and manicure I am up there.  On the outside I am good.  My BPDbf knows my inside pain, I may look good on the outside, but he knows my struggles with grief.

I have sadly used alcohol many times to cope with my pain since losing my daughter. 

It's a really bad coping mechanism, and it doesn't help in the long or short run.   But he loves that I drink and try to numb my pain.  He uses this against me.  I guess, he sees me as defective on the inside, which at this time, I am.  He has used this against me many times, usually as an excuse for his bad behavior, and it's very hard for me to defend myself when I also view myself negatively.