Enduring Silent Treatment. Again. Need help with my own anger.

[Depression = 72% of members]

I spent a few days here. There are a number of threads going about silent treatment. It's so hard for everyone.

I, myself, have gone through about 5 major episodes of silent treatment in the last few years. They have lasted anywhere from 2 months up to 4 months. In between there have been a multitude of smaller length ones. I learned already that when my boyfriend doesn't respond, to simply leave him a message via chat ( Skype, facebook) and get on with my day.

Typically he responds within a few days or when we have had a relatively calm situation, 5 or 6 hours. If he is feeling upset or overwhelmed, he can quickly go into long silences. At that point, I realize he isn't going to have any conversation. Sometimes he will say he doesn't have anything he wants to talk about but he is happy to hear about my day, etc.

He does have a lot on his plate. In his own life he has been struggling with some unresolved situations. I can't help him with those things. He doesn't want to talk about them. Any attempt by me to discuss gets me silence. If I persist, he rages. Then runs off for a few days, a week.

A problem I have with him that is persistent on my side of things is this: two years ago he cheated on me with an old girlfriend. The girl has been absolutely aggressive about getting back together with him. She contacted me last week and told me she is sure he loves her, because if he didn't, he would cut off contact with her.

I'm not sure what to say to that. He works with her. Not every day, but about once or twice a month he has to engage with her. At that point he ends up spending the day with the job, they eat lunch together. And she then flaunts it to me.

From his end, he has insisted he is DONE with the lady. Any contact he has is because he HAS to have it for the job. I have told him, well I see what you are saying, but do you HAVE to have lunch with her? He tells me that I am being immature and the effort it would take to detach her from the lunch would cause drama he really doesn't need in his workplace.

So he hides the lunches. She tells me. I have told him I don't agree with what he is doing, but its better to be honest about it than deceive. I told him at least I can trust him, even if I don't like what he is doing.

His view on the cheating ( which broke us up for 4 months then) is that it's over, done, in the past. He won't talk about it at all. In the last 9 months, he has been extending some support to me, like he is starting to recognize that damage he did, so he's shown more tolerance to me triggering on some things. Then he will suddenly snap on me.

That is what happened at the beginning of June. He was being distant, hard to find. It was kind of setting me off to anxiety and I will admit, a bit of irritation. When I found him, he was in a bad mood. He told me "I am not in the mood for another one of your tantrums".

I had some anxiety, but I was not angry or having a tantrum. I pointed that out. He then told me he was tired of me and tired of my crap ( he used the "S" word, cursing). He was tired of me having problems with when he cheated and he was tired of HIM having to put up with me on it. I said, "hey, I am not the person who cheated. And I am not the wise guy who thinks it's smart to continue taking that woman out for lunches. So maybe you can understand why I get worried, or even sharp sometimes."

He didn't like that. He said "Are you looking to get blocked again?" ( we were talking on facebook chat.)

I obviously was not looking to get blocked again, which is always followed by an extended silent treatment.

And you guys will wince at what I said.

I said, "If you do that, you will lose me."

And he blocked me and the silent treatment began.

I was extremely upset. So he is sitting over on Skype. And I lost it on him.  Those of you who have been given silent treatment repeatedly know how devastating it is. We went 9 months without it, I really thought we were getting somewhere. I really lost it, and let him have it on Skype. I was so hurt and angry everytime I looked at Skype over the next few days, I  told him off on it. Not a peep back. He was clearly sitting there, available.

I calmed down enough to stop. A day or so later I was talking to a mutual friend. She mentioned to him that maybe he was being hard on me, so he spoke to me. He accused me of harassing her and I really needed to think about what I was doing. I told him that he talks to whoever he wants to. She is my friend, too, and I will talk to whoever I want to.

He became a little threatening about it, so I told him to GO AWAY.

I then closed Skype for a few days so I would not engage there. I opened it back up and he was sitting there. Closed Skype again because it hurts to see him and be getting NO response. I opened it back up today and he is appearing offline. He will set himself offline and actually be there. I haven't said anything.

Meantime, I told mutual friend not to try and help. She was actually his friend before she was mine. He has continued with the blocking. I already know from past experience that he will watch me attempt to communicate and he will refuse a response.

I learned a few things here from reading the lessons pointed out to read. I understand the premise, and honestly what he has ALWAYS wanted, is for me to overlook the things he has done without him addressing them, and focus on how awful he feels. To validate, offer compassion, etc. I have actually been able to do that a lot, but the cheating... .when he is disrespectful to me about it and insults me, telling me how tired he is of ME, and MY behavior... I get a really angry and gutted feeling inside of myself.

It's been awful to be cheated on and mostly left on my own to deal with the effects, how it makes me feel, my upset with him... .he did apologize. ONCE. He tells me he said he was sorry, so why am I making his life such a living hell over something he said sorry for and is in the past. He wants to know why I am wallowing in it and refusing to move on.

I have told him it would be a lot easier to move on if I felt the cheating was really over. Every time he takes that girl to lunch, I feel terrified and then I feel angry because I think he shouldn't be doing it. I am also mad at him for the whole big drama over the silent treatment this time. He seems like SUCH a martyr.

Then I realize I wouldn't be even 10% as upset with him if he wasn't inflicting the silent treatment on me and we had just had a bit of an upset.

Not sure what to do. I have called a therapist to try and get in and work on some of this stuff. I feel really traumatized and I was hoping to get beyond it so I stop reacting. I'm not sure I can get over his attitude about the cheating though, and his continued stubbornness about taking the girl to lunch on days he has to work with her.

Also he tells me that my "demand" that he stop makes him mad, so he simply isn't willing to stop because I am complaining. Do you understand? He says the REASON he won't stop is because I ASKED him to stop. He says it is a DEMAND and he is not caving to that. He says I have to MAKE him WANT to stop by treating him with respect and accepting what he does is HIS choice and NOT MINE.

Considering why I am upset ( his cheating) I am like , what the heck, are stupid?

I am here, people, guide me towards some peace in my heart, if nothing else can be accomplished.

[Daniell85]

I spent a few days here. There are a number of threads going about silent treatment. It's so hard for everyone.

I, myself, have gone through about 5 major episodes of silent treatment in the last few years. They have lasted anywhere from 2 months up to 4 months. In between there have been a multitude of smaller length ones. I learned already that when my boyfriend doesn't respond, to simply leave him a message via chat ( Skype, facebook) and get on with my day.

Typically he responds within a few days or when we have had a relatively calm situation, 5 or 6 hours. If he is feeling upset or overwhelmed, he can quickly go into long silences. At that point, I realize he isn't going to have any conversation. Sometimes he will say he doesn't have anything he wants to talk about but he is happy to hear about my day, etc.

He does have a lot on his plate. In his own life he has been struggling with some unresolved situations. I can't help him with those things. He doesn't want to talk about them. Any attempt by me to discuss gets me silence. If I persist, he rages. Then runs off for a few days, a week.

A problem I have with him that is persistent on my side of things is this: two years ago he cheated on me with an old girlfriend. The girl has been absolutely aggressive about getting back together with him. She contacted me last week and told me she is sure he loves her, because if he didn't, he would cut off contact with her.

I'm not sure what to say to that. He works with her. Not every day, but about once or twice a month he has to engage with her. At that point he ends up spending the day with the job, they eat lunch together. And she then flaunts it to me.

From his end, he has insisted he is DONE with the lady. Any contact he has is because he HAS to have it for the job. I have told him, well I see what you are saying, but do you HAVE to have lunch with her? He tells me that I am being immature and the effort it would take to detach her from the lunch would cause drama he really doesn't need in his workplace.

So he hides the lunches. She tells me. I have told him I don't agree with what he is doing, but its better to be honest about it than deceive. I told him at least I can trust him, even if I don't like what he is doing.

His view on the cheating ( which broke us up for 4 months then) is that it's over, done, in the past. He won't talk about it at all. In the last 9 months, he has been extending some support to me, like he is starting to recognize that damage he did, so he's shown more tolerance to me triggering on some things. Then he will suddenly snap on me.

That is what happened at the beginning of June. He was being distant, hard to find. It was kind of setting me off to anxiety and I will admit, a bit of irritation. When I found him, he was in a bad mood. He told me "I am not in the mood for another one of your tantrums".

I had some anxiety, but I was not angry or having a tantrum. I pointed that out. He then told me he was tired of me and tired of my crap ( he used the "S" word, cursing). He was tired of me having problems with when he cheated and he was tired of HIM having to put up with me on it. I said, "hey, I am not the person who cheated. And I am not the wise guy who thinks it's smart to continue taking that woman out for lunches. So maybe you can understand why I get worried, or even sharp sometimes."

He didn't like that. He said "Are you looking to get blocked again?" ( we were talking on facebook chat.)

I obviously was not looking to get blocked again, which is always followed by an extended silent treatment.

And you guys will wince at what I said.

I said, "If you do that, you will lose me."

And he blocked me and the silent treatment began.

I was extremely upset. So he is sitting over on Skype. And I lost it on him.  Those of you who have been given silent treatment repeatedly know how devastating it is. We went 9 months without it, I really thought we were getting somewhere. I really lost it, and let him have it on Skype. I was so hurt and angry everytime I looked at Skype over the next few days, I  told him off on it. Not a peep back. He was clearly sitting there, available.

I calmed down enough to stop. A day or so later I was talking to a mutual friend. She mentioned to him that maybe he was being hard on me, so he spoke to me. He accused me of harassing her and I really needed to think about what I was doing. I told him that he talks to whoever he wants to. She is my friend, too, and I will talk to whoever I want to.

He became a little threatening about it, so I told him to GO AWAY.

I then closed Skype for a few days so I would not engage there. I opened it back up and he was sitting there. Closed Skype again because it hurts to see him and be getting NO response. I opened it back up today and he is appearing offline. He will set himself offline and actually be there. I haven't said anything.

Meantime, I told mutual friend not to try and help. She was actually his friend before she was mine. He has continued with the blocking. I already know from past experience that he will watch me attempt to communicate and he will refuse a response.

I learned a few things here from reading the lessons pointed out to read. I understand the premise, and honestly what he has ALWAYS wanted, is for me to overlook the things he has done without him addressing them, and focus on how awful he feels. To validate, offer compassion, etc. I have actually been able to do that a lot, but the cheating... .when he is disrespectful to me about it and insults me, telling me how tired he is of ME, and MY behavior... I get a really angry and gutted feeling inside of myself.

It's been awful to be cheated on and mostly left on my own to deal with the effects, how it makes me feel, my upset with him... .he did apologize. ONCE. He tells me he said he was sorry, so why am I making his life such a living hell over something he said sorry for and is in the past. He wants to know why I am wallowing in it and refusing to move on.

I have told him it would be a lot easier to move on if I felt the cheating was really over. Every time he takes that girl to lunch, I feel terrified and then I feel angry because I think he shouldn't be doing it. I am also mad at him for the whole big drama over the silent treatment this time. He seems like SUCH a martyr.

Then I realize I wouldn't be even 10% as upset with him if he wasn't inflicting the silent treatment on me and we had just had a bit of an upset.

Not sure what to do. I have called a therapist to try and get in and work on some of this stuff. I feel really traumatized and I was hoping to get beyond it so I stop reacting. I'm not sure I can get over his attitude about the cheating though, and his continued stubbornness about taking the girl to lunch on days he has to work with her.

Also he tells me that my "demand" that he stop makes him mad, so he simply isn't willing to stop because I am complaining. Do you understand? He says the REASON he won't stop is because I ASKED him to stop. He says it is a DEMAND and he is not caving to that. He says I have to MAKE him WANT to stop by treating him with respect and accepting what he does is HIS choice and NOT MINE.

Considering why I am upset ( his cheating) I am like , what the heck, are stupid?

I am here, people, guide me towards some peace in my heart, if nothing else can be accomplished.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Daniell85]

was hoping someone here had some comments. I am in a holding pattern. I don't want to reward his behavior with trying to talk to him or show upset. It's pretty hard. I am upset. I don't even know what to say to him if I did try to talk to him.

Maybe some of the people here who have handled this successfully could tell some of their stories about how they did?

[MaroonLiquid]

I'm so sorry you are having to deal with the hell that is ST.  It's very difficult, especially at first.  It took me months to learn how to begin to deal with the silent treatment.  I have learned now to just go about my life as if she's "out of town" and concentrate on other things.  I can now go days or weeks without talking to her and be fine.  Do I miss her?  Yes,  is it unbearable?  No.  Living on my own has made me a lot less codependent.  Being a coach is really a Godsend in times like this because when I'm on the field, because this crap fades away.  I've gotten to where I can miss my wife and not be controlled by her ST any longer (haven't in a while actually).  What I realize is she is hating her life right now and the only way she can cope is to be mad at someone.  She can't take any blame... .she can't be to blame or any less than perfect.  She can't cope... .

[DiamondTide]

The silent treatment is awful, sorry you're going through that, but honestly the best response in that department I've ever gotten is when I started acting like it not only didn't upset me - it bored me.

Silent treatment is an effort at control and since he knows it upsets you so much, and that you spend a lot of time thinking about an agonizing over it, he will keep doing it. When it happened to me, I learnt to leave messages now and then that were light, happy, normal, and then to get on with my life in areas that didn't involve my partner whatsoever. Since calling would get no answer, and seeing each other in person obviously wouldn't work, I would just leave the occasional text or online message saying "heyy, hope you're good. I went to see ___ at the cinema the other day, it was AWESOME. Talk to you soon" or "Hey, the funniest thing happened the other day... ." but make sure these messages are singular, and preferably that you leave shortly after, so it doesn't look like you're waiting for a reply.

Don't look like you're waiting around for him.

Don't look like you're wasting energy on it.

Do sneak in subtle ways to show you're living life, but not in a braggy, obvious way. Keep those things few and far between instead of every message being "guess what I'm doing now!"

Do be cool, breezy, unaffected, and happy. Show him you have a life whether he is in it or not.

Only address the cheating stuff when you are back in a good place with him and he's more receptive. And if something makes you uncomfortable, like the lunch thing - which it should, especially if she is involving herself and rubbing it in your face - don't step down or accept any kind of "you're overreacting" response. If you put him first, you're teaching him you come second (trust me, it's hypocritical of me to give out this advice because I do the same but am trying to work on it and have seen improvements when I assert myself). He should respect that you're upset and honestly, I bet it doesn't say on his job contract he must have lunch with his female colleague.

[Daniell85]

DiamondTide, thank you for your comments. It helps make it seem like it's not as serious as it feels.   and it's more manageable.