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Author Topic: I just don't know what to do  (Read 344 times)
nofightleft77

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 9


« on: June 19, 2015, 08:32:06 PM »

I recently came to the realisation my wife is borderline. Several years of nothing making sense. Circular arguments. Incomprehensible chaos one week or day to the next. I made classic mistakes by taking on too much. The verbal and emotional abuse. Thinking everything is my fault. I had bad issues of my own and was getting divorced when this wonderful woman came to my rescue and gave me what I needed to recover. I bailed her out of bad situations, made excuses, rationalised. I thought she had a drink problem. It wasn't that. I have a 7 year old with my ex and a little one with current BPD partner. Developed my own unhealthy behaviours - over drinking and benzo use as a safe harbour of calm in between the chaos. That of course is now her reason why I am responsible for all issues in our relationship. I know I need to deal with these issues and am trying, but for me, not her, and I need some professional help with that, which takes time. I can't switch off the nightly couple of beers and sleeping pill like a light switch. After one ultimatum and rage too far I called her out took her to her mums with the little one so she could "leave me". I cried the whole drive. She tried to get me to stay, but I set a boundary and said no. I will go and see my son for a couple of hours on fathers day on Sunday so it's me myself and I until then. I still have hope but I'm exhausted and have been carrying too much for too long. I have an appointment with a doctor to discuss dealing with my issues, for me, not her, next week. Will she come back? Do I want her back? The little one doesn't even know my name yet. I miss him so much already. I have a good job. It pays well and I like it. It is busy and stressful though and I seem to run a lot of the house too. She accused me of cheating and says she knows something but won't tell me. I have not been cheating, am not and will not. After making the accusation she won't even discuss it and shouted and swore she would start divorce proceedings immediately if I pressed her on it. I do love her and understand her underlying pain is worse than mine but I don't know that I can cope any more. I need to focus on myself. Which of course to her mind is selfish. I wonder what I have done bringing a child into the world with her. I think starting to understand some lessons brought it to a head and I don't know if I'm at the end of a journey or the beginning. I don't know if this is an appropriate first post but right now I am on my own with this.
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Daniell85
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 737


« Reply #1 on: June 19, 2015, 09:57:48 PM »

It seems a little quiet around here, and I am too new to be much help. I just want you to know that someone is hearing you.

It sounds like you are all pretty burned out. Mental and emotional exhaustion can eat up hope in no time flat.

From all I have been seeing on this board, it is really important to take care of yourself. It's not selfish. It's vital. For you, if you want to be there for your wife and child, for them also.

Maybe you can do something tonight to take care of yourself. So you can rest and get some sleep and recover some. Did you eat recently, for example?

And I think your post is fine. It's cathartic to just be able to say what's happening and how you are feeling in a safe place. Pretty safe here. Smiling (click to insert in post)
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misuniadziubek
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Semi-long distance relationship living apart.
Posts: 383


« Reply #2 on: June 19, 2015, 10:13:32 PM »

I recently came to the realisation my wife is borderline. Several years of nothing making sense. Circular arguments. Incomprehensible chaos one week or day to the next. I made classic mistakes by taking on too much. The verbal and emotional abuse. Thinking everything is my fault.

Sounds just like what happened to me for the first 5 months of my relationship. I felt like I could never do enough to make him calm. Sat through all the rages. BPD's tend to project and blame the majority of the time, so we start to take responsibility for everything that goes wrong, including their emotions. It's hard to start to rummage through the rubble of what is actually your fault/responsibility vs. what belongs to you pwBPD.

Excerpt
I had bad issues of my own and was getting divorced when this wonderful woman came to my rescue and gave me what I needed to recover. I bailed her out of bad situations, made excuses, rationalised.



I had a similar experience where I met my pwBPD right after a really bad situation with my own family and feeling like my life was inescapable. My partner gave me and escape and so in turn I devoted myself to making him 'happy'. As if I had any real say in it.


Excerpt
I thought she had a drink problem. It wasn't that. I have a 7 year old with my ex and a little one with current BPD partner. Developed my own unhealthy behaviours - over drinking and benzo use as a safe harbour of calm in between the chaos. That of course is now her reason why I am responsible for all issues in our relationship. I know I need to deal with these issues and am trying, but for me, not her, and I need some professional help with that, which takes time. I can't switch off the nightly couple of beers and sleeping pill like a light switch.



It must feel like a lot of pressure for you. BPD have what they call 'black and white' thinking, where they need to identify a trigger for what caused everything else, even if it is irrational. There is no 'sharing' of responsibility or incrementally increasing tension. It's simply one event or situation and that's where everything went wrong.

I really think that if you feel the need, you should do your best to seek help when you are ready and take care of yourself above all else. Focus on being a good parent here. You take responsibility for your part solely.

Excerpt
After one ultimatum and rage too far I called her out took her to her mums with the little one so she could "leave me". I cried the whole drive. She tried to get me to stay, but I set a boundary and said no. I will go and see my son for a couple of hours on fathers day on Sunday so it's me myself and I until then. I still have hope but I'm exhausted and have been carrying too much for too long. I have an appointment with a doctor to discuss dealing with my issues, for me, not her, next week. Will she come back? Do I want her back? The little one doesn't even know my name yet. I miss him so much already. I have a good job. It pays well and I like it. It is busy and stressful though and I seem to run a lot of the house too. She accused me of cheating and says she knows something but won't tell me. I have not been cheating, am not and will not. After making the accusation she won't even discuss it and shouted and swore she would start divorce proceedings immediately if I pressed her on it. I do love her and understand her underlying pain is worse than mine but I don't know that I can cope any more. I need to focus on myself. Which of course to her mind is selfish. I wonder what I have done bringing a child into the world with her. I think starting to understand some lessons brought it to a head and I don't know if I'm at the end of a journey or the beginning. I don't know if this is an appropriate first post but right now I am on my own with this.

This is a perfect post, and yes, you sound pretty exhausted. You're here though. You are reaching out. You are doing things. That is something to be proud of. You are on a road to recovery all on your own. You simply have to take things step by step, moment by moment, day by day. There is no rush. I think it's important for you to find support as well. You won't be able to get it from your wife at this point, but any external  support does wonders for your mental health. Being able to vent on its own is incredible at releasing tension.

Best of luck. You got people rooting for you here. 
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