Things are starting to feel more and more over

[misuniadziubek]

I finally met up with my BPDbf and resumed our relationship two and a half weeks in, but despite a somewhat enjoyable night, there's this gnawing feeling like things are slowly ending.

He told me last night that he wished I met someone while on break so that he wouldn't have to hurt me in time if we didn't work out. It was so incredibly childish wishful thinking. Running away from your problems in a way.

He keeps talking about being scared, wanting things to work out and worried that he is about to lose me but it feels more and more like he wants our relationship dissolved.

Mind you, it's morning and I'm more paranoid and emotional in the morning.

He fought so hard to end the break, but now that we have, he's completely unraveled and I wonder if I made a mistake cutting it short.

I'm also feeling more and more resentment over him sleeping with other people during it. That's literally the insecurity talking.

I'm just... .Devastated.

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[patientandclear]

Mis, I bet he's always had thoughts/feelings like that.  And is just feeling more able/willing to voice them right now.

My exbf wBPD says similar things.  That he wished I had met someone else so it wouldn't hurt me what he does with other women.  That he's afraid he'll lose me if he keeps on being him.

So far I have not noticed any movement in the direction of him actually changing how he operates, to make the risk of loss smaller.  He wants me not to have the reactions I have.

Your point in other posts that he considered DBT but now isn't planning to do that, seems pretty significant.  If his actions cause you to feel bad, and your bad feeling threatens the relationship, there are two things that can help: one is for you to manage your reactions differently, but another is for him to act differently.  It feels like he is flirting with taking the latter off the table.  That's significant and unfortunate, given the progress he made getting to the point of considering DBT.

[an0ught]

Hi misuniadziubek,

What he is doing is considering to end the relationship before he gets abandoned by you. Abandoning before being abandoned. Classic BPD behavior.

He is truly terrified. He also realizes that power has shifted to you. He is not worthy of you (his thinking).

You on the other hand are seeing him due to more distance with different eyes.

Patientandclear has a good point with respect to DBT.

Looks like both of you are in a rough spot  ,

a0

[misuniadziubek]

Upon reading this, I realised that both of you are absolutely correct.

He's BPD and he's going through BPD style abandonment.

He told me himself he can't go through this alone. That he wants me to be there with him through it, because he is scared.

Maybe he will go to DBT. He's expressed reluctance, but knowing he has my support no matter what could take some of the pressure off. I will just have to wait and see.

[scoutshonor]

Ive a few times had success by "shocking" my BPD gf by not talking to her after she pulls one of these conversations. I dont have the breakup talk. I just skip out and then she thinks about what she said and is somewhat better, instead of going thru the whole break up proccess.

[misuniadziubek]

Ive a few times had success by "shocking" my BPD gf by not talking to her after she pulls one of these conversations. I dont have the breakup talk. I just skip out and then she thinks about what she said and is somewhat better, instead of going thru the whole break up proccess.

Well, we haven't gone through a break up process at any point. We had a 'break' from the relationship for 2.5 weeks where we didn't talk with each other except at set times and he requested that we cut it short and came up to see me. At this point, we are talking every day, and he is somewhat attached to me. It's just the constant talk of fearing this being the end that gets to me. I didn't leave you during the break. Why would I leave you period?

[scoutshonor]

Well there you have it. Ive been the door mat, im still it. Cutting them out when they think they have you changes the dynamics.

[gah]

Well there you have it. Ive been the door mat, im still it. Cutting them out when they think they have you changes the dynamics.

I'm not sure what that means?

I think it's great he's telling you his fears.  I would love it but... .I'd be afraid of him getting too close in case he backs off.  Damn shoe drop

[misuniadziubek]

Well there you have it. Ive been the door mat, im still it. Cutting them out when they think they have you changes the dynamics.

I'm not sure what that means?

I think it's great he's telling you his fears.  I would love it but... .I'd be afraid of him getting too close in case he backs off.  Damn shoe drop

You are absolutely correct. Which is why I go at this with a bit of distance. At times I am emotional, because he sends so many mixed messages. I know for a fact now, that I can manage without him. I'm not scared of his abandonment. I just don't like that he pulls me in just to push me away again. Push-pull . Classic.

Tonight he freaked out that I texted him right before work to remind him to go. It was by chance that I noticed him online. He started off how I follow him everywhere online, how I'm always lurking.

But then, I instantly went into validation. "I respect your space, I know how easily overwhelmed you are when you feel smothered. I don't intentionally try to find out anything."

And he's like... .Relax, hon.