My uBPD BF and I split up a month ago. At first I kept reaching out and we had some ok moments together. Now he's very very distant. I am still trying to make this work despite what my T, my friends and family think (it's lonely on this side of the illness). I do really love him. We bought a house together and the first episode appeared... .I moved out a month ago because I believe we were very close and he felt engulfed, had a serious rage and he systematically stomped on all of my boundaries, I think in an effort to push me away.
I do think he cares about me, but I don't know if I'm just hoping and have justified in my own mind.
When I left we agreed I'd rent a house a stone's throw from ours - I had erroneously thought that we could step back a bit and still have dinner together, date, and there would be less pressure. I can hear Dr Phil "how's that working out for you?". It's not. I had assumed - damn assumptions. AS the weeks go by he vanishes more and now he will not physically see me. I was needy in the beginning but now I'm under better control and feel as though I'm going through stages of grief - denial, anger, but I haven't written this off yet. My friend's husband with BPD says he has to keep me at arms length because it's painful to be with me and that he reaches out because it's painful not to be with me. However, I read in a BPD book that they look for comfort and I don't want to be the hopeful person who is reading things wrong.
The house we bought was a real fixer-upper and we were gutting it. It currently still does not have a bath or a shower. I can see why he wouldn't want to be there. He is not sleeping at home and it REALLY bother's me. Sleeping at home was one of my boundaries - I'm unclear if he's still punishing me (he has admitted to punishing me before) or if he is avoiding me or seeing someone else (his pattern is he's never been alone and he finds someone immediately).
There was nothing on his side saying he wanted to work this out. In fact he is still very angry and says he is not looking for a relationship with anyone including me. (his pattern is he gets involved right away when a relationship is ending).
He works in another city and the drive sucks. I know when he was married he stayed at a cheap B&B owned by a co-worker when he worked his strings of night shifts. I have asked where he's staying and he doesn't respond. He says adamantly that he is not looking and hasn't moved on to someone else.
He will come home during the week and work on the house when I'm at work and then send pictures of the work. I have stopped initiating contact but respond when he texts (man that's hard!). When I respond more than once he doesn't respond and I just leave it. The longest we've not texted is less than 24 hours. We had some funny exchanges the past couple of days. I am trying to keep it all light and not ask him about us/ask him to do something ( he stood me up a week and a half ago and didn't come home). However, if he comes home during the week he is always gone back to the city before I get home from work.
He is a liar but I believe him (oddly) that he's not with anyone and I have serious jealousy issues. I also don't think he's checking up on me.
I think he's still in an episode. I know he's still angry and I'm black. Plus, the moment he had his first rage he started drinking (and never had a drink the whole time we were together). Not drunk... .but a couple drinks a day. I think Jekyl is a jerk. He has also contacted his exes (another reason I left - my boundaries).
My questions are these:How do you know they still care?
Why would he be avoiding me?
Why is he still texting me? Want's validation for the work he's done or is it about me?
Does time/ object constancy mean that the longer he is "away" the more likely he will forget us, move on?
Since he is reaching out should I be reaching out (I haven't heard from him today)? How much space do you give?
Everywhere I read it says the BPD/impulse control makes them primarily cheaters?
My T says he has done everything to show me he's moving on (she's not a BPD expert) and asked what will it take for me to see it.
My big question is what can I expect now? Will the texts slow down? If I don't reach out will he feel abandoned? Will he just disappear into the abyss?
I feel stupid asking this bc I'm pretty sure I know the answer... .I wanted to ask him to go away for the weekend on a road trip. We travel really well together - under the proviso of just being and no heavy us conversation (which it appears he can't handle) in hopes of having fun and being white again? This is a ridiculous request in the current climate - right?
My fear includes watching someone else move into my dream house. His pattern is people move in quick with him (he idealizes them and tries to put them on title)and are kicked out soon after. He's only had 3 relationships after a 20 year marriage and now me.
I am trying to take care of myself. It's hard. I do know how to do that
I just worry I'm a fool for hoping and waiting... .