Another failing relationship with a BPD woman

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hello everyone,

I'm totally new here and just discovered this website out of despair. I'm a french guy switching between the US and France. I've been in a tormented relationship with a BPD woman for almost 3 years. I never experienced this before. It started with intense jealousy crisis out of nowhere. I had a hard time dealing with her behaviors and still cope not to get angry as well I confess as she knows how to tease and push my buttons until the point of rupture each time I try to cool things down. She's never recognized the fact that she could be a BPD and never have been officially diagnosed. This relationship has driven me crazy and exhausted and we only had intense down moments for the past months. She's now pregnant and will deliver in 5 months. After years of anxiety and stress I've been diagnosed recently myself with a hypothyroidism and still try to recovering between this and the past violent arguments. I already have a beloved 12 years-old daughter in France who has been and still is a subject of jealousy, just like my ex. Of course she'll never admit all of this. And I admit I'm exhausted, lost and confused because of this catch 22-relationship. Anything I tried was thrown back to my face as "not enough" and the worst part is that she'd never admit it and always say I'm the one being projecting. Anyway, I guess you know exactly what I'm talking about. I'm torn because I would like to be present for my child-to-be and right now there's no solution about being around my partner (or ex-partner) without argument and exhaustion. Added to the fact that the regular travelling, jet lag isn't helping either with the energy... .

Thank you for your insight and advice and for this website.

[Atlasdespair]

Hello everyone,

I'm totally new here and just discovered this website out of despair. I'm a french guy switching between the US and France. I've been in a tormented relationship with a BPD woman for almost 3 years. I never experienced this before. It started with intense jealousy crisis out of nowhere. I had a hard time dealing with her behaviors and still cope not to get angry as well I confess as she knows how to tease and push my buttons until the point of rupture each time I try to cool things down. She's never recognized the fact that she could be a BPD and never have been officially diagnosed. This relationship has driven me crazy and exhausted and we only had intense down moments for the past months. She's now pregnant and will deliver in 5 months. After years of anxiety and stress I've been diagnosed recently myself with a hypothyroidism and still try to recovering between this and the past violent arguments. I already have a beloved 12 years-old daughter in France who has been and still is a subject of jealousy, just like my ex. Of course she'll never admit all of this. And I admit I'm exhausted, lost and confused because of this catch 22-relationship. Anything I tried was thrown back to my face as "not enough" and the worst part is that she'd never admit it and always say I'm the one being projecting. Anyway, I guess you know exactly what I'm talking about. I'm torn because I would like to be present for my child-to-be and right now there's no solution about being around my partner (or ex-partner) without argument and exhaustion. Added to the fact that the regular travelling, jet lag isn't helping either with the energy... .

Thank you for your insight and advice and for this website.

[momtara]

Good morning! Sorry that you are in such a tough situation. Your health and being a different nationality probably make it harder. But you'll find that a lot of people here have dealt with similar situations and can give good advice.

Unfortunatley, yes, you will have to deal with your ex if you want to be in your child's life. If you do want to be in your baby's life, American courts will usually make sure that happens, but you have to be firm about what you want from the very beginning, because if you are weak and not involved, it will set a precedent. So figure out how much time you'd like to spend with your child or how you'd like him/her in your life. Weekends? Or are you moving back to France and would like her for a month out of every year? (Probably not going to happen for a baby, but... .)

You might want to post on the divorce/legal board if you have those sorts of issues too.

Coparenting with someone with BPD is pretty hard, but not impossible if you are very specific in all the boundaries.

[Atlasdespair]

Hello and thank you for your insight @momtara !

Yes this is a pretty tough situation as I'm in France and I've no visa and can't stay as much as I want in the US. Plus she's in total denial (and always good explanations, excuses, and/or "have her family, and therapist on her side" though I can't assure any of what she says is really true anyway... .is this a specific thing too about BPD people?) and every conversation for now ends as an argument... .

[Turkish]

Hello Atlasdespair, I'd like to join momtara in welcoming you here!

I'm sorry you're in a tough situation, and also dealing with your own health issues on top of it. I noticed that you also posted to the Undecided Board. So are you still in the relationship romantically? Check out the Stop The Bleeding tools to the right margin of the Undecided Board. Learning more about BPD, and how we can communicate to reduce conflict with high conflict personalities, can help immensely:

Choosing a Path - Lessons for members who are undecided about their relationships

If you're going to part of your child's life, we will certainly support you here on this board as well. We have our own lessons here (see the right margin, or the top of the board), and we have many members here who deal with high-conflict parents who can support you, Atlasdespair.



Turkish

[momtara]

and post in the divorce section, too. you will get a lot of good ideas there. hang in there!

[Atlasdespair]

Sorry I've been away for a long time, but thank you so much for your answers @momtara and @turkish ... .Things have got even worse and it recently came to physical abuse. I escaped from her, traumatized and shocked, not knowing what she would be capable of anymore. Of course she wrote me avery long email the day after, explaining how I triggered it and how everything was my fault since the very beginning. The baby is coming in november and I'll probably won't be there for the birth... .

[momtara]

custody is a complicated situation. you should be documenting things and taping lest she ever accuse you of abusing HER. sorry this is happening.

[Turkish]

Hi Atlas,

First, I'm glad you are safe. Second, momtara's suggestion to do cement everything is wise. The email could even be an admission. Did you report the physical assault? I know you're gong through a lot right now, but have you given thought on how to get access to your child, once born?

T...

[Atlasdespair]

Thank you Turkish and Momtara, I really thought about reporting the physical assault, but I was in California, somewhere I didn't know at all, I didn't know how to proceed in the US... .Plus she's pregnant, she's american, I'm french, I'm a man... .Well I thought that was silly anyway to report anything and I was didn't want to add more trauma with some police report. But I really thought that if we've been in France, I would have reported it but now it's too late anyway. She's also quite smart at manipulating others to believe what she's telling them. She had the nerves in her email after the assault to tell me that I didn't even come to check on her to see if she was alright, when I managed to push her out of the bedroom... .! And I'm not as fluent as her in english obviously and it makes the arguments and the whole process always more exhausting... .Luckily she admit in her emails that she did hit me, though she added a few other false narratives or saying that I triggered her to hit me anyway... .But yes, I also thought she could accuse me back if I had reported her because that's what she does all the time. When I reach my break point and tell her all the things she put me through, she just denies and accuses me back instead. Constantly... .Her dog had a cancer recently and she focused all her time and energy in trying to heal the dog, forgetting to eat herself sometimes and she dared to accuse me of triggering the cancer because of my constant "negative vibes"... .

I wrote to her mother right after the violent drama, telling her my version of the facts, and she answered she never was aware of problems before last june and mentioned she and her other daughter never said they hated me, like the mother of my child claimed it a couple of time, and I guess she lied about a lot of other things and/or "arrange the truth" to validate her behaviors and make me feel guilty. Though I'm not sure her mother is really willing to do anything though I noticed BPD and join the email of her ex-bf who confirmed that he also thought she has BPD tendencies... .Anyway, I'm a bit lost and confused, I still followed the advice on this website and when she tried to reconnect by email (like "just giving some news of the baby and the dog" though it was still blaming and guilting) I managed not to answer... .No news at all for the past week now and I wouldn't be honest if I wouldn't say that it's painful on my side too now... .Luckily I have a therapist and family here to help me to go through all of this and help me recover before I can plan the next step with my incoming baby... .Like to contact a lawyer ? Thanks again for all the help we can find here !

[Turkish]

It's good that you are safe now and have local support. DV situations aren't often so clear, and it's hard to know exactly what to do, but at least you escaped. Take a look at this for more:

TOOLS: Domestic Violence Against Men

You may want to look at www.avvo.com to ask basic legal questions, and post your legal questions on our Legal Board to get support from senior members going forward as the pregnancy progresses: Leaving Board: Family law, divorce and custody

Turkish

[Atlasdespair]

thanks a lot @Turkish ! Still no news at all for now and I don't know anymore how to talk again to her just about legal matters for the birth and after, because I'm sure it will feed again the blaming and that "I've abandoned her" etc... .I will wait for now as well and I'll keep you posted on how things evolve... .