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Author Topic: New to this- Need some friendly advice  (Read 357 times)
Mick26
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
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« on: June 21, 2015, 09:09:48 AM »

Hello all,

I have been in a relationship with someone who has BPD since roughly December last year. In that very short space of time, we have moved in together and got engaged, which although is fantastic news and reason to celebrate, there are some very serious issues... .Like that I feel I'm walking on eggshells pretty much all of the time- I can rarely say what I want to say without her either thinking that it's a personal attack or that I'm trying to wind her up. I can't make any jokes without her taking it seriously (which takes the laughter out the relationship- a characteristic that I feel is very much necessary for a long term success).

She is seeking help and has been in therapy for the last 5 years, during which time I believe she has made some strides of improvement, but there are still lots of moments where I end up saying something which she takes completely the wrong way. The difficulty is to then try and convince her that what she's perceived has been misinterpreted. I try soothing and validating her, I also admit fault to literally EVERYTHING even when she's so blatantly in the wrong that the writing's on the wall. I act strong and make out like I can with strand the barrage of verbal abuse that I get, but she just doesn't seem to understand that I too am a human and I too have feelings and can't put up with it. I do understand that it's not her fault and that a childhood of neglect and abuse has turned her that way but when faced with an adult screaming in my face I can't see the child within- only someone who I perceive to be genuinely in disgust of me.

On top of this, it would seem she has lost any capacity to love, which makes it even harder because after she has abused me verbally (meanwhile I'm just going along with her telling her that she's right and that it's natural to feel the way she does- validation) I then don' receive any love myself, no gratification. I know I shouldn't necessarily be looking for this, but my confidence gets knocked hard when I'm getting told off for any kind of misinterpreted sentence or act, and I need something to help myself pick myself back up again- instead I have to continue soothing her again because after her rant at me, she then hates herself for shouting at me, which means that despite the fact that I am not in the mood for telling someone how great they are and how loved they are- I have to! Because otherwise she'll feel alone and unloved and neglected and cycle goes round and round.

I hope this makes sense and if there is any one out there to offer help I will be sincerely grateful.

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waverider
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married 8 yrs, together 16yrs
Posts: 7405


If YOU don't change, things will stay the same


« Reply #1 on: June 21, 2015, 09:07:47 PM »

Welcome Mick26

I think everyone here will find your story familiar.

The most important thing here is to slow down the marriage commitment until things have played out further. There are a lot of changes in front of you and you have a lot to learn about dealing with a pwBPD.  It will not be easy or smooth.

You have to make sure you do not loose yourself in an attempt to appease her, and thereby setting up precedents that you later find hard to reverse

First place to start is by working through the  LESSONS which will show you te steps in a logical order

Waverider
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  Reality is shared and open to debate, feelings are individual and real
married21years
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« Reply #2 on: June 22, 2015, 01:16:04 AM »

hi reading and understanding help

loving someone with BPD is a good book that helped me a lot!

welcome and good luck 
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Cole
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« Reply #3 on: June 22, 2015, 06:11:43 AM »

Welcome, Mick26.

Like Waverider stated, the lessons are valuable. Also read through the posts to see how others apply them and solutions they have found. You are not alone!
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rl669
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« Reply #4 on: June 23, 2015, 05:49:50 AM »

Hello and welcome.

I obviously don't know the full detail of your situation, so I know you will take what I say with a grain of salt.

But, here goes.

The rush to commitment is quite a familiar theme in relationships with BPDs for various reasons. What it means is that you can find yourself in a deep commitment with someone who, as you come to find out, is gradually killing you.

I can imagine some of the reasons you might have bonded with this person. You perhaps have a heightened sense of empathy with others. Maybe also your partner has suggested you are the only person who really "gets" her. It's possible that, if this is the case, it appeals to your internal dialogue. Maybe it makes you feel special, having your kindness and selflessness recognised in this way.

Generally, damaged people have relationships with damaged people. Healthy people won't be treated badly or disrespectfully.

It sounds on the outside like this relationship could easily go the way of many of ours': your partner acting out; and you enabling her, forgiving her, apologising to her, and excusing her. My personal experience of this dynamic is that it causes lifelong misery for you, and it doesn't help the BPD either.

Change is hard. No consequences, no change.

Good luck. But if I were to give you any advice, it would simply be to ask yourself: Do I really want a lifetime of this sh*t?

Sorry if I've been too frank.
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chilean_husband
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« Reply #5 on: June 23, 2015, 05:10:13 PM »

Change is hard. No consequences, no change.

Good luck. But if I were to give you any advice, it would simply be to ask yourself: Do I really want a lifetime of this sh*t?

Sorry if I've been too frank.

Wow, that was tough. I am also new on this board, and this is my first post, writing from Chile. Most of the stories I read here are tremendously familiar and they describe pretty much of my day to day relationship with my BPD wife. We have been married for 4 years, one child, and it is getting so hard with each new day.

Do I want a lifetime of this? no. Two years ago I pannicked at the idea of divorce. Today, is something I think almost everyday. Is like I don't care anymore whose fault it is, I just don't have the energy anymore, and I can't take more insults and mistreatments.

Sad to come here just to lament, sorry for that. I just wanted a place to throw this out, thanks to you all for what you have built here. In chile there are no groups like these one, also I could not find anything like this in spanish. I am glad I feel comfortable enough in english.

I hope that with time I'll be able to be of help here. In my current state of mind, I am of little use. Greetings to you all.
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« Reply #6 on: June 23, 2015, 07:28:41 PM »

On top of this, it would seem she has lost any capacity to love, which makes it even harder because after she has abused me verbally (meanwhile I'm just going along with her telling her that she's right and that it's natural to feel the way she does- validation) I then don' receive any love myself, no gratification. I know I shouldn't necessarily be looking for this, but my confidence gets knocked hard when I'm getting told off for any kind of misinterpreted sentence or act, and I need something to help myself pick myself back up again- instead I have to continue soothing her again because after her rant at me, she then hates herself for shouting at me, which means that despite the fact that I am not in the mood for telling someone how great they are and how loved they are- I have to! Because otherwise she'll feel alone and unloved and neglected and cycle goes round and round.

I wanted to join everyone else in welcoming you to the forums. I also wanted to comment on what I quoted. Go read the Lessons as waverider suggested! There is a lot of good stuff in there.

As you read through the lessons and learn about BPD, your partner's behaviors, and yourself, think long and hard about why you want to marry somebody like this. Before making any kinds of long term commitment, read, read, read. Staying with a person like this is a lot of hard work and it is really easy to underestimate what all is involved. Is this a person that you would want to have children with in the long term?
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DearBFF
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« Reply #7 on: June 23, 2015, 09:22:41 PM »

Mick26, welcome 

And I also want to urge caution... .I believe my BFF to be undiagnosed BPD, and recently discussed it with her; she herself gave a resounding YES to all 9 criteria!  As with any relationship you can learn from someone's actions, but you will never truly be in their head to actually know what they are thinking.  Plus you can never really truly learn from the actions of someone with BPD because due to their overactive emotions their reactions/behavior is often out of whack and they often apologize, take it back later, expect you to pretend like it never happened.

To share from a bit of experience... .BFF just contacted me a few weeks ago of barely any contact... .I was so excited to finally get to hang out again, and especially interested on catching up with her life since I had been out of the loop.  She seemed really happy with her new job, boss, coworkers, and in particular with her boyfriend of about 4 months.  The first couple times we hung out towards the end of one week and the beginning of the next she was telling me how happy she was with him and all of the plans they had been discussing.  She was considering moving in with him (even though he already lived there), she even mentioned a conversation they had where he said they will live together a while and buy a house, get married, and even have kids in the future.  I was excited for her not only that things seemed to be falling into place with his seemingly nice guy that she just reconnected with, although she has known since 2nd grade.  Unfortunately, by the end of the week she began sharing the fact that she was completely frustrated with him.  She gets no time/space to herself, he doesn't contribute financially, sex is almost nonexistent and when it is it doesn't last very long, his dog was always at her house peeing/pooping on her carpets, etc, etc, etc... .  Due to her frustration, inability to discuss it with him in a meaningful way, and stress level (simultaneously dealing with mediation with current husband, custody issues, and finances), she also told me that she had acted out.  As I asked her about it she seemed not to care and my suspicions were confirmed when she said she felt absolutely no guilt about any of it, and by the end of the conversation that night she decided to break up with him.  After a lot of what she said I wholeheartedly agreed, not only was she not happy, but she said she wasn't ready for being a wife again and he had already begun to treat her as such.  Yet, at the same time I really feel for this guy... .as far as he knew his serious girlfriend was about to move in with him in a matter of days, they were going to buy a house together, they were going to get engaged and married, they were going to have kids.  Then he came home that night and as far as I know (very little contact again since I suppose I filled my use backing up her decision), he got dumped.

I have read countless stories on here from spouses/significant others describing the same thing, but to witness it like that... .I was dumbfounded.  The mask she wears shows that everything is perfect, then if she knows you a little better she wears the perfect mask until the victim mask is needed then she tries that on a few minutes, then if she really knows you she just lays it all out.  I guess since we had time apart (her choice due to her painting me black at the time) I suppose I had to work through the layers so it took me about a week to get to what she was really thinking/feeling.  Mind you, I am her best friend, whom she had just painted black, whom she had just said to get out of her life, whom had just been invited back in and she told me all this.  Yet, the boyfriend who had seemingly done no wrong and was great only days earlier, had no idea what was going on in her head.  I wish we could have some sort of mind reading pill, it would make loving a pwBPD much easier!

I don't say this to scare you off, just so you can be aware that getting to know them, and staying in place of trust with them is really really difficult.  So no matter how much you may feel, think, or she may tell you that it's great but then she might lock herself in her room when you're not there and cry.  It's really hard to know one way or another... .  I'm learning with BFF, generally the second she starts talking about how great something it's almost inevitably the opposite, if not then eventually.  Either it's the beginning and she's put the subject (person/job/etc) on a pedestal or she's just covering.  She doesn't want to be weak, so she just hides the flaws until she can't anymore then they all come spilling out. 
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