Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 29, 2024, 09:58:17 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Skills we were never taught
98
A 3 Minute Lesson
on Ending Conflict
Communication Skills-
Don't Be Invalidating
Listen with Empathy -
A Powerful Life Skill
Setting Boundaries
and Setting Limits
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Request for advice about intimacy problem  (Read 466 times)
townhouse
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 161


« on: June 21, 2015, 06:36:28 PM »



I recently have been posting on here various updates of how my SO has been acting. Now I would like to ask specifically about me and how you all may recommend about a boundary that I may try to put in place.

After he started speaking to me again round about the beginning of April following  about 5 weeks of Silent Treatment and apart from minor hiccups and swearing explosions, we have been getting along pretty well. The reasons I love him and have stayed are that mostly we have a good caring and intellectual r/s. Thanks to this forum I have now realised that radical acceptance, validation and SET are just part of my life and it's OK ... .I can deal with it.

Someone said to me when I first joined here that with luck and perseverance my relationship could become like living with an eccentric older guy and that sounds fine to me.

My main concern now is that since that last major dysregulation although we still share a bed and he seems to want this, somehow when letting go the dysreg this time, he decided that he doesn't want to touch me at all. No holding hands, no peck on the cheek, no cuddles and of course no sex.

I don't know where this came from because prior to that last dysreg our intimacy was fine and always had been for 14 years.

This situation is very upsetting to me. I have asked him about it and he just closes down and says he's over all that now. He acts like this is his boundary and will punish (probably Silent Treatment) if I break it by touching him... .Just a little cuddle or a touch on the arm. I am not really talking about sex here because I do understand that some of his heart medication would be affecting this.

Now, I have been reading the Lessons plus Walking on Eggshells Paul Mason and Randi Kreger again and I think where boundaries are mentioned... .bear with me as I am trying to get all this into my befuddled brain... .means that both of us can have boundaries. I mean that,  while he has every right to put a no touching boundary in place, I also have a right to try to initiate a cuddle occasionally boundary. A compromise as it were. So any ideas how to suggest this compromise would be very helpful.

I read in one of the posts on here but can't find it now that one of the moderators (I think) mentioned that this whole not touching can be a regular thing with some older guys with BPD.  Any information about this would be very welcome.

So thanks in advance for taking time to think about this.  I find all posts and experiences in similar circumstances comforting ... What a wealth of experience is contained in here.

Logged
PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

still_in_shock
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 105


« Reply #1 on: June 21, 2015, 07:38:13 PM »

Mine was a pretty young and hyper sexual husband (28 y.o.). But about a month after our marriage, he started pushing me away from him in the bed. Not letting me ever touch him (not the touch on purpose when consciously cuddling, but even when we go to sleep at night). God forbid, if my arm, or leg, or blanket touched him... he would get all agitated and pissed. I first thought he was joking and wanted to play with him moving closer and trying to touch him, yet again, playfully and flirting. But once he went all nuts yelling and snapping at me, that i am so annoying and piss him off every night bc of that "lying too close" issue. Then, I've realized something was not right... .He then started drawing the line in the middle of the bed not letting me cross it. I posted about it here previously.

During his last episode (we broke up and divorcing after that), he would share a bed, fall asleep praying with me, kind of cuddling, kissing me kindly and falling asleep holding/clinging to my hand, BUT... .no sex(!) for about 3 months... And that's absolutely not him. He needed it to stay sane. He needed sex all the time. At one point he made me have it 7/day... .So that whole sleep together, still kiss good night, but withholding sex 3-4 months period and him playing mind games drove me nuts.

We've separated for 6 months now, and will be divorcing soon.

I don't know. I think its their way of showing power and control over us. By withholding sex. Stupid.
Logged
waverider
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married 8 yrs, together 16yrs
Posts: 7405


If YOU don't change, things will stay the same


« Reply #2 on: June 21, 2015, 08:56:07 PM »

There must be something about intimacy that makes him feel vulnerable and afraid that it might be triggering for him.

He will be finding it threatening, and the more you try and push it the more he perceives he has to block it.

Is it possible to spent more time close but not touching. A bit like therapy associated with overcoming OCD phobias?

He needs to learn there is nothing to fear you are not going to be down on him no matter what.

His defenses may be up due to perceived potential failure or criticism
Logged

  Reality is shared and open to debate, feelings are individual and real
vortex of confusion
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3234



« Reply #3 on: June 21, 2015, 09:44:27 PM »

Have you ever heard of the term sexual anorexia?

Here are some links with some information about it:

www.posarc.com/partners/sexual-anorexia

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/sex-lies-trauma/201408/sexual-anorexia-the-shadow-addiction

The following definition is from the first link:

Excerpt
Dr. Doug Weiss’ definition of sexual anorexia is, “The active, almost compulsive withholding of emotional, spiritual and sexual intimacy from the primary partner.”

It is kind of like a person with anorexia with regards to food. The difference being that the person avoids sex and/or intimacy because of some kind of deep seated fear. It could be bodily changes. It could be fear of being close. It could be that some kind of past trauma has resurfaced. It could be all sorts of things that cause a person to have an almost compulsive aversion to intimacy. It is very confusing to be in a relationship where this is present.

My husband is a sex addict and he has gone through periods where he acted like being with me was the last thing in the world that he wanted. And there have been periods where it seemed like all he wanted was to have sex.

He recently bought a book about sexual anorexia and has been reading it because he was confused about why he would have periods where he felt like he was binging and/or purging. It helped him to understand himself a bit. I still don't quite understand it. All I know is that it has been one heck of a confusing ride. Also, finding out about sexual anorexia has helped me to not take it personally and do a better job of riding it out.
Logged
townhouse
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 161


« Reply #4 on: June 22, 2015, 01:51:17 AM »

Thanks for those answers.

Still in Shock ... .How totally confusing for you having experienced the swing to the opposite within the relationship.

Waverider I have taken any pressure off any closeness and like Still in Shock mentions it is a situation of lying in the same bed very carefully trying not to let any legs or arms touch . We do have a King size bed so this helps.

I have been doing this for a couple of months now which has prompted me to write here. Of course I am able to continue this no pressure idea but I was just wondering if there might be a conversation we could have regarding this situation.

VoC ... .Well those articles were very interesting and thank you so much for sharing them. I was particularly interested to read the bit about that sexual anorexia can show  up momentarily within long term partnerships. ... .and is a deeper disconnection from oneself and others.

This kind of fits the situation because I have felt these few months that he is more disconnected from himself and the world than he ever used to be. For example he evens wrongly interprets things that he sees on TV more than he used to and will negatively react to anyone he is in contact with which is hardly anyone, even more than before. The article suggests of course seeing a qualified professional which he will never do.

I am just so darned frightened to bring up the situation at all for fear of returning to ST. It is a hard way to live but our day to day connection is really pretty good.

Logged
married21years
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 609



« Reply #5 on: June 22, 2015, 02:42:12 AM »

my marriage fell apart after 20 years, for my twentieth anniversary i tried to show my love and get close to my with.

i pushed the boat out with a wonderful surprise 6 ft red cedar hot tub. wood fired heater and a huge 5 level deck.

to show her how much she meant to me.

she couldn't take it.

the rest is history

Logged
Upside
Fewer than 3 Posts
*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 2


« Reply #6 on: June 22, 2015, 08:27:39 AM »

Wow, these situations sound so familiar to me, this is my first time on any board and its because I'm desperate for help. I've been married for only two years and we haven't had sex for 2-3 mos. He has been sexting his ex and making plans to meet up with her, I've said some pretty nasty things to him which I believe has made matters worse. He disappeared again with no contact and has taken his car which has no insurance, registration and his license is suspended. I threatened to report it stolen if he didn't return with it but that didn't work. I am concerned about him and at the same time feeling betrayed, angry, lonely and confused but prayerful. I don't know what else to do
Logged
vortex of confusion
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3234



« Reply #7 on: June 22, 2015, 09:13:42 AM »

I am just so darned frightened to bring up the situation at all for fear of returning to ST. It is a hard way to live but our day to day connection is really pretty good.

I know this is a tough situation to be in. It seems like there are no good answers and no good approaches.

Even if the situation goes away at some point, it is likely to return unless the issue is somehow addressed. Even if it isn't addressed head on, it might feel better for you to find a way to bring it up rather than having it be the elephant in the room.

Which is more difficult? Trying to bring it up and risk the silent treatment or sitting back and being miserable and hoping that it will go away?  I have done both. Neither are easy.

Before even thinking about bringing it up, you might do some reading about sexual anorexia and how difficult it is for both partners. Also, freshen up on some of the communication techniques. Build yourself an arsenal of tools and information so that when you do try to bring it up it doesn't come across as you trying to fix him or accuse him. That is way easier said than done.

Having a partner withhold intimacy does a number on ones self esteem and it hurts really, really badly.
Logged
Cat Familiar
Senior Ambassador
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 7480



« Reply #8 on: June 22, 2015, 10:03:58 AM »

I must confess that I've withheld intimacy because I've gotten so turned off by my husband's drinking, nasty comments and chronic grumpiness. Also my declining hormones just don't make it such a priority anymore. I have certainly felt open to it at times, but he seems uninterested unless he's been drinking a lot and then it's so unpleasant, I don't want it ever again under those circumstances. So we're at a standoff unless I make the first move and at this point, that seems unlikely since I'm painted black currently.
Logged

“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
townhouse
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 161


« Reply #9 on: June 22, 2015, 08:16:39 PM »

Upside... .just want to mention that one of the most important things I have learnt on this forum is to Stop Making it Worse before you can Start Trying to Make it Better. Also there are a wealth of Lessons on the right hand side of the page which are very good to read.

VoC you have a knack of insightful dialogue ... .you certainly have it right about the elephant in the room.

You and the articles you linked have started a whole new chain of thoughts for me to come to grips with.

Something I read mentioned that 'whoever controls the intimacy controls the relationship.' This clicked for me because in our relationship (there is no other way to say it but simply ) I have a lot more money than him.

He has been able to deal with this for 14 years but I think something about that last argument/ dysreg we had must have triggered him more than in the past.

I realise it may sound like he is only with me for the money but I don't think this is the case. I believe in his own way he does love me but has so many issues going on in his head.

I have started to read up more about this sexual anorexia as I think it is something I could bring up with him as it is just a part of him not the whole BPD thing. I could print off and highlight relevant bits in the article to discuss with him. He likes to do that sort of thing. I wouldn't accuse or try to fix but more as a psychological phenomenon we could discuss about his behaviour. Anyway there is no rush.

Cat... .I remember boozy sex. !

Logged
townhouse
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 161


« Reply #10 on: July 07, 2015, 12:30:49 AM »



Well I have spoken about the elephant in the room.

So far things are going OK. I kept it light and brief. This time he thanked me for bringing up the no physical contact and said he himself had been wondering why he was being this way.

I mentioned that I had read an article about sexual anorexia and he said he would look it up.

I also mentioned that I was suggesting a sort of comprise whereby he might just cuddle me for 5 mins once a week. I said I would leave when that would be up to him.

I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders but I am still nervous to see if the dreaded S T comes up.

So I guess we will see what happens.

Logged
townhouse
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 161


« Reply #11 on: July 08, 2015, 06:13:16 AM »



Well things seem to be going quite well. After I spoke I left the subject and didn't mention it again.

Later I went to bed first and when he came to bed he gave my hand a squeeze and we fell asleep with hands and arms slightly tangled.  I appreciate that we are taking things slowly and I am happy that there is hope back in the air.

I have learned so much from coming to this site. One of the things I really picked up on was my codependency issues. People here mentioned to me many times to take time for myself and this I have done. I realise I was so kind of wrapped up in how he was thinking or feeling that I got lost and wasn't strong enough to cope with the challenges involved.

This time during the 5 weeks of silent treatment I didn't get into that negative tizz... .fixated on his every word and action but instead had time away, visited friends, plus I genuinely threw myself into the garden, decorating, painting, reading and other things I enjoy.

Another thing that sank in (thanks to our mods and site advisors and other people who understand about this disorder more than me) ... .was that there does seem to be order to this disorder.  And I am making a good effort not to JADE. That was a big problem. I used to think... .if I can just explain once more he will understand and not be horrible to me. Does not happen that way. It is hard to swallow the explain or the justification but I am finding it is for the best.

I guess my partner is high functioning in that although always full of the usual weird thinking and irrational acts, when not actively dysregulating he is relatively easy to talk to.

I realise there will probably be another time when I will be here hurting real bad but at the moment it's nice that things are calm.
Logged
Bpdwifelife

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 33


« Reply #12 on: July 08, 2015, 09:13:14 AM »

Ugh. Wow. I feel for all of you on this. I'm getting this nagging feeling that I might be facing this soon too. Our sex life has certainly changed. It's complex but basically if it weren't for the sex I would have never married by unpdh. I was totally addicted to him sexually after a sexless first marriage and six years of celibacy after first hubby died. When we first got together I'd never been so ravished in my life 3-4 a day was the norm - he would just in my arms and cuddle all the time. Now he cuddles the cat and I do not touch him when I feel an aversion from him to it. He is very affectionate otherwise ;depending in his mood). We always sit side by side in a booth at restaurants we hold hands in the car when driving he slaps my butt when I walk by often yesterday he put his arms around me and said "I haven't gotten to feel your skin all day". We have a sex life in the normal range 1-4 times per week depending on episodes BUT I have to initiate it every time and I hate that. He has turned me down only once or twice that I recall and it doesn't take much to get him going and once going he gets really into it and is a good lover but when I iniate he always does this heavy sigh eye rolling thing like "oh do I have to? You always want sex". Lol. I really hate that. He acts like he's doing me a favor - which sux but I know it's like a power trip because I've held out initiating to see if he will and then after a week or so he does so I've just accepted that he does want me to initiate and though I want him to initiate a lot more if I wait for him to do it our sex life will suffer more. Regular sex keeps him more balanced so it's worth it to me to make sure that we are doing it regularly not just for the sake of sex but to keep things more stable between us. We still have that physical connection and after going through a sexless first marriage I couldn't bear another one. He does withhold sex and affection as a power play but it it is subtle and I still get plenty of both. Just last week he gave me a two hour massage so my complaints are stupid in light of all this and I have some twisted thinking also because of the sexual deprivation of my first marriage and my years of celibacy that I have to work through. Overall our sex life is good even if I have to do most of the work to keep it that just like I have to do all the work to support us financially all the work emotionally etc. He does help around the house but every time he does anything housework relates it's either going to be done during an episode (see my work from home hell post) or he wants like huge gold stars for taking out the trash - it's hard - I'm like "dude thanks but you live here so I can't gush every time you do something you should just do". But I always thank him though he never thanks me and I work from morning to night like a slave for him or that's how it feels often. But when I read these posts I'm ashamed of myself because I could not cope with the level of rejection your describing here after what I've already been through in life so I'm very glad I read this right now and I'm going to go jump on hubby since it's been about 3 days. I am very grateful to all you good people here who are helping me so much.
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!