About to get kicked out. Please help. Have been given an ultimatum.

[Jacq189]

About 2yrs ago my BPDgf decided that our friends where disgusting people who she wants nothing to do with because they didn't respond to her text message soon enough and then made up all these crazy assumptions about how selfish they are and don't care about her at all etc etc (you all know the drill). Now this has become one of those arguments that keep coming back around and around. Well i say arguments, but really its just her ranting and then raging without me having any input whatsoever. I have done my best to validate how she feels but it has gotten so far off what her initial problem with them was and it was so long ago that I simply don't care anymore (not that I have said that to her). She has nothing to do with them and I respect that. I hardly see them either because every time I do it starts all this up again. No matter what i say she thinks i don't understand how she feels because if I did then I wouldn't be friends with them any more. Now she has decided to give me the ultimatum of choosing between her or my best friend.

I have tried to validate her and explain that just because I don't feel the same as her doesn't mean I don't care about how she feels. And how important it is for me to continue having a support network especially because she is BPD. But she is saying that she feels betrayed as though I have cheated on her and that I have completely devalued her. She says that this has nothing to do with her BPD ( even though it sounds like she is reading a script from a BPD manual). Now she is kicking me out of the house saying that we are over because I am choosing other people over her. Which of course I'm not, I'm just refusing to answer the ultimatum.

What should I do? How do i validate her without giving in to her ultimatum? Any help is greatly appreciated :-)

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[married21years]

have you done research on splitting and boundaries.

your friends are a boundary.

and it seems she is splitting with you because she is not getting her way

a time out might be helpfull 

[itgirl]

I have lots of experience in this department.  Do not give up your friend.  I did that.  I regretted it big time.  My partner has managed to isolate me from all my friends.  I had a huge social circle.  One by one they were thrown in the trash.  And I let that happen.  I hang my head in shame.

And you know what is the best part.  She just told me this weekend that its MY FAULT we have no friends and that she feels isolated. 

Do not give up your friend.  Its just not healthy for either of you.

[Stalwart]

Hey Jacq:

Sadly enough probably most of here “know the drill”  all too well and have probably at one time or another estranged ourselves from past friends as a result. I can so dig the situation you’re in and I’ve had to also deal with this a lot in the past and still from time to time have to manage situations with my wife’s friendships being challenged.

(Hey itgirl you don’t need to hang your head, sometimes there just don’t seem to be alternatives even though we all know now it’s not the right thing to do.) Maybe you can hold your head a bit higher knowing you’re really in good company with this problem and how difficult it is to handle.

Jacq: just food for thought my friend but maybe you’re approaching the problem from a challenged angle since you’re definitely stuck in the middle between a rock and a hard place.

I’ve managed a couple of these successfully in the past but it really depends on the caliber of the friendships you have. You see there is just no way you can find solutions by validating her feelings of your friends not being there for her.  Validating is one thing to try and settle the situation but not a solution to it because it still exists and as we’ve all experiences feeling of relationships that have invalidated her just never go away or can be laid to rest (even when terminated.)

In the past my wife stepped in and really damaged a couple of friendships with groups of people I knew prior to meeting her. I suppose the past relationships with them she found threatening. Regardless when that happened I had to go to my friends. I couldn’t solve her perceived feelings of rejection even I could validate her feeling that way. I had to go to my friends, explain the situation, ask them to put the past problems aside and help support me with my relationship with her and in doings so help me to keep my relationships with them.

In most cases I can truly say there was justification to some point of my friends having reacted poorly to her interactions. They would ignore and to some degrees disrespect her. She was hard for them to understand so it’s all understandable. When I was able to explain the problems and her needs to be included and her emotional needs in friendship to be ‘let’s say - nurtured’ they stood up to the challenge. Isn’t that what friends do? Without their involvement to turn it around there were no options for me to take to resolve the problem.

Even though they had already been estranged by her they started to come around to her in emails, FB and showing up at the house. They paid more attention to her knowing that is what she needed (to fit in even for her peculiarities.) They became really thoughtful and mindful of her focusing in on her better qualities and putting the challenged one aside. . For her birthday they all threw a surprise party at a restaurant.

You see I wasn’t able to turn the situation around – but they sure could. You see they honestly didn’t do it for her – they did it to support me.

I can tell you this for certain – taking the ultimatum and moving out can’t head in a beneficial resolution it can only lead to huge invalidation. Even though you two may recover and get back together after that – it will never be forgotten that you ‘deserted her’ in that way and for those reasons.

I really hope you find a solution Jacq because I know how difficult it is to try and manage. 

[Jacq189]

Thank you so much for everyone's input. Stalwart, you certainly have given me food for thought. I haven't involved my friends in this so far because I didn't think they did anything that bad and because my BPDgf made me swear black and blue that I wouldn't EVER speak to them about her. No body else knows about her having BPD, her choice and I respect that but it makes it very difficult for me to defend her behaviour without being able to divulge that information. So it is complicated but I think talking to my friends about this may be useful. I don't want my partner to think I'm betraying her trust by talking to them about her but she seems to think I am betraying her by not standing up for her as well. Perhaps I could tell my BPDgf that I am going to speak to my best friend to explain how they have hurt her. And see how she reacts. If she gives me the go ahead then I can explain the whole thing fully to my friend  (minus the BPD) and see if we can come up with a solution.

[married21years]

you are being isolated and manipulated

you need to talk to them.

once they see the truth she will move on to other people.

do not allow yourself to be isolated, there is just depression there

i know from experience, look after you!

[Stalwart]

Hey Jacq:

Sounds like you've got a pretty good plan together. "No body else knows about her having BPD, her choice and I respect that." I can so understand that. I had the opposite problem when my wife discovered, she wanted to tell the world but she quickly learned to control to need to know basis. I also hold it as a trust and it's up to her to tell anyone she feels needs to know and keep it to myself.  To me it's just a common respect.

I sure hope you find yourself a way through this. You certainly don't need to mention BPD but hey lots of people have difficulties so is there really a problem with saying that she has difficulties once in a while and leave it at that? I'm sure your friends will understand. One thing for certain though, the closer you can bring them to her in a controlled positive way the better chances are she might like the attention.

Best of luck with it Jacq.