Further lies...

[Ceruleanblue]

Well, I've now found out that BPDh's son actually took more things from the storage unit than BPDh told me. In other words, he LIED to me. I asked him several times exactly what his son and his girlfriend(I've never met her) took from our storage unit. BPDh told me just fishing poles. This was a deliberate lie. Why would he lie? This is so frustrating and enraging to me. In fact, I got the feeling he was lying, and kept asking him, and he stuck to the lie for weeks. He has a pattern of doing this. I'm very intuitive, and just "know" when things are off, most times.

His son came over to see him on Father's Day, which was nice, although he chose not to attend the family Father's Day celebration the day before due to some event with his girlfriend, and he knew this was hanging up our plans to go see my Dad, but whatever. His son revealed that he'd climbed around, and took computers too, and I wormed it out of BPDh later that he also took other things. My issue is the LIE. My issue is that BPDh let his son rummage around in MY stuff too, and there are many breakables in there.

I don't care that his son took the computers, I care that I was not asked if letting him in the storage unit was okay, and I'm majorly angry/indignant about the LIES BPDh told to cover it all up. He had weeks to tell the full truth, yet he chose to lie. So, I not only was upset the first day, but I got to find out he chose to not tell the full truth.

I'm so sick of being lied to and this has been a huge issue for us. I don't feel I can trust him. At all. He lies when there is no need. I once again feel like changing the locks on the unit, but I know that will lead to a further fight. I like his son, and to me this is not about his son, it's about BPDh and his lack of boundaries, and respect for me. His son, over the years, has accidentally told me things that bring to light the fact that BPDh has lied about something he/I have explicitly agreed about, or something I asked about.

How best to deal with the lies, and WHY does he lie when telling the truth clearly, clearly leads to less drama, less hurt feelings, less anger, and more trust? I've calmly discussed this with him so often, but he continues to tell lies. Lies that leave me hurt, and resentful towards him.

Is this common with BPD/NPD, or is it just a FOO issue, and how do I best deal with it, because I'm way past making excuses or thinking it's okay. 

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[Ceruleanblue]

We might have MC tonight(can't remember when our T has two weeks off), and if we do, I'm discussing this. I'm not sure this is something I can set a boundary around? What boundary can be set around lying? I want to protect me, but how do you do that in regard to lies/trust?

[Daniell85]

My boyfriend lies, too. It is horribly destructive and a real head game.

In terms of the storage unit, I, personally, would take the time to get my things over into a different unit and lock it up tight. One problem solved.

I get, though, that it doesn't address the actual issue, which for you is the lying. I always think having a relationship with a liar is like having a relationship with an old bucket full of holes. There is always a hole to lie through, even after you plug up one hole. The bucket always ends up empty of whatever you put into it. Which in this case is your love and trust, the life you have.

I hate ALL lies after the amount of damaging lies I have heard. That phrase "lies and bleep lies.

I guess if you are having to live with this, because you can't make him stop lying, you maybe have levels of lies. There are stupid lies that are annoying and such, but are not covering up heinous acts. Then there are lies that are covering up bad things. If you are having to deal with a liar, everytime you caught him, calmly and politely tell him that you do not like lying and cannot be close to someone who lies. Distance yourself.

If he tells a big fat lie, and lie of such depth, then you have choices to make then. Like ending the relationship.

Beyond that, I don't know what to say. I hate lying too. It destroys trust, and that destroys the relationship, trust in the reality of what your world really is, and it kills self esteem. My experience.

I hope someone will come along with some good advice on this, because I could use it too!

[married21years]

they lie to avoid emotions at the time!

they have no regard for the greater emotions of getting caught later

its what they do! 

[Cat21]

I'm not sure I have any great advice, but I can say that I, too, get very frustrated and angry with lying. My uBPDh seems to lie about totally random things or things that he knows might upset me. Obviously with the latter, he'd rather lie than face the fact that he has the ability to cause upset. I think it goes hand in hand with the total avoidance of responsibility. No matter how strange the lie  may seem to nons, to the BPD person, lying is a way to cope.

It might be sad to say, but in some instances and situations, I know that my H will lie, so I automatically assume he's not telling the truth. Sometimes I'll even say something like, "OK- so now how about telling me what actually happened? Or, tell me what your real plans are"... .something along those lines. And sometimes, he does. My H has a habit of wanting to get caught in a lie.

[Ceruleanblue]

Cat21:

I've found myself doing that too! I'll ask him over and over because I know he's lying. I just get this feeling, and I'd say nine times out of ten, I'll be right. He can lie with a straight face, and most would believe him, but I've been burned so many times, that I've developed a sixth sense in regards to it, or something. This is where I've ask repeatedly, but unlike your uBPDh, mine really hates getting caught in a lie, and will continue to lie until someone else outs him, or it starts to become radically clear that he lied. Then I'll get the truth, and he'll act all victimized like he had to lie. It's just infuriating.

I do think it's correct thought that pwBPD lie to avoid emotions. I'm hoping his DBT will address this, because I'm getting fed up. I hope he'll come to see that it's better to be honest, and regain trust. I wonder if his "mindfulness" that he is learning will help with that... .?