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Author Topic: Stood by him for 8.5 years, he discarded me in a heartbeat - do I have ANY hope?  (Read 404 times)
nomoremommyfood
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« on: June 22, 2015, 04:00:14 PM »

I just realized I once again wrote a novel! I need some help and typed out some questions, so feel free to skip to the end!

I have a long, long thread I wrote a while back after getting into what I assumed to be a run-of-the-mill fight with my (ex?)dBPDbf of 8.5 years, but resulted in him blocking me on Facebook then not speaking to me in three weeks until his best friend convinced him to give me the respect of at least telling me he'd gone NC to end the relationship. After a 3-hour conversation, he agreed to a break instead of a break up. I called back to set the terms (no seeing other people) and asked him to unblock me on Facebook (he hasn't).

I thought a break would be a good thing. I've been writing pages and pages about him and have admittedly been lax on validating him, as well as setting boundaries. I was - and am - dead set on healing the relationship and making it better, even if it's just me that changes. 

After waiting it out for a while, I was invited to an art opening at the zoo and asked him to be my guest, telling him it was no big deal if he couldn't go. The conversation was very casual; he agreed to go, then we talked about the new Kurt Cobain documentary for a while (we're both mega-fans). Last Thursday, we met up and he was furious at me for being one minute late (after he was forty minutes late). Things calmed down, but he kept referring to us as "broken up", then claimed he only agreed to a break to get me off the phone. Throughout the evening, we went back and forth between him agreeing to a break, then taking it back, until finally saying "I'll say that if it makes you feel better."

I'm really amazed I managed to keep my cool and stay calm and, if it weren't for his constant "let's break up" talk, it would have been a fun, lighthearted evening. I asked to hear his music and he told me "maybe, if you play your cards right." My goal was to convince him I wasn't a threat and to leave him with a positive memory of my physical presence as per reading that pwBPD lack object constancy and can't cull memories of good times with someone they've deemed bad. I ended the night when it got too cold and waited with him for his bus. He told me to think about what he said about ending the relationship and hug him, because I might not have another chance.

I walked into the door of my apartment, saw his old drawing of hearts around my name on the wall, and completely fell apart.

I don't know what to do and it's killing me. People tell me that he doesn't love me anymore and let him go but I just can't. Before falling asleep last night, I imagined him with someone else and almost puked. I think I'm so upset because I made the decision years ago that I had to love him warts and all, accept him without expecting him to chance, stay committed to him through thick or thin, and realized that - if I wanted to have the person I truly wanted - I would never have a normal relationship and have been totally fine with that decision. We've been through so much together and I would do anything for him. I thought I would be with him until I died and I feel totally dead without him.

- How should I proceed?

- I don't want to talk to him for the time being - but might it be wise to wait as long as possible to make him think I stopped caring? Will it even matter to him if I do?

- He just moved to a new apartment and seems very excited about his new sense of independence. Is there any chance that, once the novelty wears off, he'll come back around?

- Should I talk to his best friend? Formerly, his friend and I were his two "guardians" who sort of looked over him before he dropped me, and his friend has said "you're the best thing that ever happened to him."

- Should I call him causally with something that would interest him? For example, we've talked about the Kurt Cobain movie for hours and I said I might watch it again to get another opinion.

- I'm worried about the object constancy thing. The Facebook block sucks because he can't even see my face. Is there anyway around this?

Again, my apologies for the novel! I should also note I lost all my friends in the past week. I'm a former addict, had a brief relapse, told one person, then discovered my usual social group, instead of confronting me, turned it into an occasion to gossip behind my back and convinced my family I'm practically lying in the gutter. So, I'm pretty much 100% alone and deeply depressed.
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Ceruleanblue
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« Reply #1 on: June 22, 2015, 04:31:39 PM »

Chances are very good that he will come back around, but I wouldn't live my life as if that's the case. BPDh and I came super close to a divorce after he walked out, and he's still upset that I filed for divorce(even though I begged him to come back, he wouldn't, so I thought it was hopeless, and filed). I got out there, started dating, and lo and behold, once I started living my life, and he found out that life out there wasn't as great as he'd pictured, we started talking again(I'd gone NC). He had a brief fling, while all my dates were platonic(doesn't that scream BPD, jumping right into bed with someone?), and he got dumped, and he was seriously dating down(sorry, no other way to put it), and he still got dumped. I think something he said or did put her off, or warned her.

Point is, with BPD, or BPD traits, you just never know. They are so all over the map, and some will paint you black forever, but some go back and forth. And I think your BPD boyfriend is enjoying the game of cat/mouse with you. I'd stop giving him that power. Live you life, and if he comes back, then work on the issues. Try not to have the attitude of living your life though just in hopes that moving on will win him back, because the point to living your life is for you. I really, really relied on my religious faith to get me through that time too.
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mindwise
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« Reply #2 on: June 22, 2015, 05:18:25 PM »

Hi NmmF,

Excerpt
- How should I proceed?

Don't chase after him.

Excerpt
- I don't want to talk to him for the time being - but might it be wise to wait as long as possible to make him think I stopped caring? Will it even matter to him if I do?

It's your best option. Let him wonder about you and if he misses you he will make contact.

Excerpt
- He just moved to a new apartment and seems very excited about his new sense of independence. Is there any chance that, once the novelty wears off, he'll come back around?

Only time will tell.

Excerpt
- Should I talk to his best friend? Formerly, his friend and I were his two "guardians" who sort of looked over him before he dropped me, and his friend has said "you're the best thing that ever happened to him."

No, it's better if you hold back.

Excerpt
- Should I call him causally with something that would interest him? For example, we've talked about the Kurt Cobain movie for hours and I said I might watch it again to get another opinion.

At this point you should not be initiating contact at all. He needs to experience your absence and if his feelings for you grow, he will miss you and possibly will make contact.

i agree with Clearandblue. Don't give him the power and start to move on. If he reaches out, great. Start dating him again and try to work things out.

Best of luck

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Daniell85
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« Reply #3 on: June 22, 2015, 07:45:20 PM »

My boyfriend has done this to me a dozen times. And I helped make him into a monster by crying after him and showing massive upsets... .which he then used against me later to project the problem as ME, and treat me worse, ie, disrespectful behavior, verbal abuse... .then I would get upset again.

Terrible circle and extremely damaging.

I hardly ever told my boyfriend "we are done" or that I am breaking up with him. He, on the other hand, has probably said "you did this! ( usually in response to his atrocious behavior I cussed or something) so we are done." Or "I AM DONE". or "You will never talk to ME again!"

Blah blah blah.

Your boyfriend is clearly all over the place. He is testing his power on you. He saw how upset you have been and eager. Going to say I am in agreement with mindwise. Go quiet on your boyfriend. I am not saying smack him away, but disengage so you can stabilize yourself and think about what YOU want. I mean, seriously, he will run all over you if you appear to be chasing him. The damage you will get will not be pretty.

I don't think in the long run he is going anywhere. Go quiet. I mean for like a week or more. Don't say a word, don't try to engage him for any response. Like someone else told me here, he wants to give ST for months, then I can keep up with not running after him for months.

You can too. You need to be strong, first for yourself, and second so you look like you are not a pushover to this silly behavior he is putting at you of yes we are together, no we are not, yes we are.

Not nice.
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nomoremommyfood
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« Reply #4 on: June 22, 2015, 11:19:51 PM »

Thank you for your responses! They give me some hope - though I keep remembering how, last week, I told him not to reneg on his word to take a break and him saying "I don't want to give you false hope."

My boyfriend has done this to me a dozen times. And I helped make him into a monster by crying after him and showing massive upsets... .which he then used against me later to project the problem as ME, and treat me worse, ie, disrespectful behavior, verbal abuse... .then I would get upset again.

This is so funny - mine did the exact same thing! My having a fit was actually his catalyst for "finally getting rid of me." And he'll "never forgive me for it." He also plays the "it's your fault because you caused me to get mad" card repeatedly. And every fight is cause for break-up... .which is why I didn't take this one seriously. This is definitely not the first time we've had a major break-up fight but, comparatively, this one was the most unprecedented, the longest, and the one where he's acting like it's most finite.

Sadly, I already called his friend. He didn't pick up, though.

At this point you should not be initiating contact at all. He needs to experience your absence and if his feelings for you grow, he will miss you and possibly will make contact.

This is something that confuses me about these boards. I would expect that, considering the length of the relationship, he would miss me. But there's an article somewhere on here about getting over a break up that says pwBPD get over their romantic partner don't get the "absence makes the heart grow fonder" reaction. During periods when we haven't talked for a while, he always says how much better he felt when I wasn't around; he has no insight around the fact that he watches me like a hawk. I admit I set him off but I don't think he realizes that there's less fighting when I'm not around because no one else would tolerate him.

I've also read that they typically pop back up, but reading that really scared me. Plus, reading things about them getting over relationships incredibly quickly makes it worse. With the Facebook block still up (for no reason; we don't even talk on there and recently hung out amicably), is he even thinking about me? I really glad that our last hang-out left me in a good light but, from what I've read here, out of sight, out of mind. And this is material on this very site written for people in my exact position!

Regardless, I always avoid talking to him when I'm upset and I'm pretty upset right now. The isolation is rough. It was helpful to socialize but, since catching my "friends" backstabbing me, I'm totally alone and have no reason or desire to get out of bed. I've been falling into a depressive episode for a while with the only upside being that I don't want him to know.

For a while, I was considering going on a dating site, assuming my mental state improves. I really don't want anyone else but I'm good-looking and outgoing (when I can pull myself out of bed). I'm not sure. I'd only do it to show him down and I honestly don't want anyone else.
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Daniell85
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« Reply #5 on: June 22, 2015, 11:57:40 PM »

The object constancy thing? I don't know, in my case. I have read, too, that BPD simply can't stand being "alone" so they go find themselves another teddy bear ASAP so they don't have to be alone.

Go quiet on him. Don't bother asking what he is doing or if you are still together. He's kind of gotten himself into a position that he has to back down on his declarations in order to agree you are together. Remember BPD are unsure about a lot of things. I watched my boyfriend waffle all over the place for ages. I don't ask anymore, and after a bit, he sort of sidles his way back it. If I were you, I would honestly sit back and just not say anything for a couple weeks.

I doubt your boyfriend is forgetting you. He has you blocked. That is deliberate, and IMO meant to project blame onto you. Mine has me blocked on social site, too, but nowhere else. I just think he is doing it to be controlling and imply he is being victimized. I used to fight it like heck, and eventually if he felt I had abased myself enough, he would remove the block. This is the first time in a year he has done it. I am ignoring him on it. As far as I am concerned, hell will freeze over before I ask him to unblock me there. If he wants to talk to me, he has to unblock me.

It really sucks that your BF is being that way ( and mine too!) but I can see where if I had handled things a bit differently, mine wouldn't have imploded probably, and probably you are starting to see the same. Focus on your own self, the lessons here.

I am really getting through my head that I have limits and boundries. As I should. I have let those get all walked over, pushed around. And my boyfriend has been allowed by me to make my life a living hell. I am tired of that. I am not out to be unkind or pushy or a threat to him. He has definitely been that to me. Read the lessons here, take time to think on it.

One of the things that has hit me square in the face here is about the boundries. How they are meant to protect my values.  Which are what I feel makes my life safe for me to live and be happy. So I have to think about what *I* will do when/if those boundries get violated. What I have been doing is having melt downs and panic attacks and getting scared and depressed, then very angry. That really sucks.

Take care of yourself Smiling (click to insert in post) Your boyfriend is in an unstable state of mind. Leave him alone to calm himself down. If he is stalking you, ignore him! When he figures out his lack of willingness to engage in an honest manner is getting him nothing from you, he will approach directly. Believe me, he is absolutely capable of contacting you and behaving politely. When he starts that hemming and hawing, I would just say to him "ok. I need to go now, have to do shopping/wash my hair/pull grass from cracks in the sidewalks."

Hope some of that makes sense.



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whitebackatcha
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« Reply #6 on: June 23, 2015, 02:31:15 AM »

I don't have any advice to add. I'm going through this right now, and it is very hard not to tie myself into knots wondering if not responding will just make it worse. If we want to be treated better though, something has to change, right? But it's so scary. 
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EaglesJuju
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« Reply #7 on: June 23, 2015, 09:06:38 AM »



This is something that confuses me about these boards. I would expect that, considering the length of the relationship, he would miss me. But there's an article somewhere on here about getting over a break up that says pwBPD get over their romantic partner don't get the "absence makes the heart grow fonder" reaction.

You may not get the overt reaction that you would typically expect from someone. The behavior is reliant on individual traits and how pwBPD engage in maladaptive emotional regulation strategies. For example, a pwBPD who tends to internalize their feelings/suppress/overcontrol emotions may not directly show that they miss you compared to a pwBPD who externalizes their emotions/feelings

I've also read that they typically pop back up, but reading that really scared me. Plus, reading things about them getting over relationships incredibly quickly makes it worse. With the Facebook block still up (for no reason; we don't even talk on there and recently hung out amicably), is he even thinking about me? I really glad that our last hang-out left me in a good light but, from what I've read here, out of sight, out of mind. And this is material on this very site written for people in my exact position!

I can understand how you may be worried, especially reading accounts of "out of sight, out of mind."  The avoidance/distancing/withdrawal behaviors a pwBPD exhibit at times reinforces our perception. The behavior does hurt and can make you feel that he does not think about you or care. It is really tough. 

I have felt exactly the same way and my bf tends to withdrawal, avoid, and overcontrol his emotions when he is dysregulating.  I have even directly told him that I think that he does not think about me when we are apart. He said, "EaglesJuju, I think about you all the time, more than you even could imagine. The reason why I do not reach out is because, sometimes hearing your voice makes me upset. It is painful for me because I miss you so much. I get sad when I realize that I cannot be next to you then that starts a cycle of anxiety and depression. 

When I started changing my perception on why he was behaving in this manner, I started having less doubts and negative thoughts. My self-doubt and negative thoughts proceeded depressivity and anxiety. I was stuck thinking that the behavior of my bf was coming from someone who is not disordered. Of course when I perceived the behavior as him not caring and comparing it to the behavior of a non-disordered person, I would feel awful about the relationship and myself. Remember the paradox of BPD behaviors.

Regardless, I always avoid talking to him when I'm upset and I'm pretty upset right now. The isolation is rough. It was helpful to socialize but, since catching my "friends" backstabbing me, I'm totally alone and have no reason or desire to get out of bed. I've been falling into a depressive episode for a while with the only upside being that I don't want him to know.

I am sorry that you are feeling this way. Feeling alone and isolation can really exacerbate depression.    Does the isolation make you feel even more depressed?  When you are feeling this way, perhaps you can reach out to him and talk to him about something that is neutral, like the Kurt Cobain documentary?

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"In order to take control of our lives and accomplish something of lasting value, sooner or later we need to Believe. We simply need to believe in the power that is within us, and use it." -Benjamin Hoff
nomoremommyfood
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« Reply #8 on: June 24, 2015, 08:07:28 PM »

I am sorry that you are feeling this way. Feeling alone and isolation can really exacerbate depression.    Does the isolation make you feel even more depressed?  When you are feeling this way, perhaps you can reach out to him and talk to him about something that is neutral, like the Kurt Cobain documentary?

I'm very, very hesitant to contact him, right now. It's been a week since I saw him - not a huge expanse of time - but, more important, my entire "pitch" was that I'm working really hard to be stable and control anxiety. Frankly, I'm afraid to contact him. And I called his friend on Monday and never heard back - this is someone who is almost ridiculous about making sure everyone is happy, so I'm convinced he's not calling me back because my bf is totally done with me and there's nothing left to say.

The isolation has gotten really bad. I was already warding off depression for a month and getting out of my house to exercise with a few friends and talk about fashion or whatever was at least a slight reprieve. Finding out those friends not only betrayed me, but took down my few other friends with them feels like the final blow. My phone used to be blowing up all the time with just girly chat and it's gone completely silent. I was really relieved to hear from my best friend in the city who I thought had cut me out (she was incorrectly implicated in doing drugs with me), but the conversation was basically "Are you doing heroin?" "No." "Are you really not doing heroin? Because your sister's been calling me... ."

When I need people around the most to cheer me up and distract me (I can't talk to anyone about my x?/bf but it would help to talk about having to physically force myself out of bed each day and convince myself to stay alive for my cats), 100% of conversations are just me re-iterating that I'm not high.

Considering my "break instead of a break-up" pitch was solidly based on my being mentally sound - and this whole mess spurred on by my having a meltdown after hours of fighting - I really don't want him to find out about the depression.

TL:)R: I'm living in a world of sh*t.
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EaglesJuju
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« Reply #9 on: June 24, 2015, 09:51:08 PM »

I'm very, very hesitant to contact him, right now. It's been a week since I saw him - not a huge expanse of time - but, more important, my entire "pitch" was that I'm working really hard to be stable and control anxiety. Frankly, I'm afraid to contact him. And I called his friend on Monday and never heard back - this is someone who is almost ridiculous about making sure everyone is happy, so I'm convinced he's not calling me back because my bf is totally done with me and there's nothing left to say.

I understand how anxiety can feel like it is taking over your life.    I struggle from severe anxiety myself.  You never know what is happening. There can be different reasons why his friend has not responded to you. For every negative hypothetical thought you have about your situation, there are an equal amount of positive thoughts. I know it is really tough when you are feeling this way, but changing your perception really helps tone down the anxiety. My anxiety gets out of control when I start excessively worrying and thinking in catastrophes. It decreases when I start thinking of positive things. Relaxation and mindfulness helps a lot too.

When I need people around the most to cheer me up and distract me (I can't talk to anyone about my x?/bf but it would help to talk about having to physically force myself out of bed each day and convince myself to stay alive for my cats), 100% of conversations are just me re-iterating that I'm not high.

I can imagine how difficult this is for you. It is really hard to break out of a depressive state when you are feeling isolated.   It is good that you are getting out of bed in the morning. Think of doing daily things as an accomplishment. It is an accomplishment to get up and get ready for the day. It is a process of small steps.

Therapy really helps too. It is nice to have an objective person to talk to when you are feeling this way. Do you see a therapist?

Posting here really helps too. We are here for you. 



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"In order to take control of our lives and accomplish something of lasting value, sooner or later we need to Believe. We simply need to believe in the power that is within us, and use it." -Benjamin Hoff
nomoremommyfood
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« Reply #10 on: June 29, 2015, 09:16:38 PM »

Therapy really helps too. It is nice to have an objective person to talk to when you are feeling this way. Do you see a therapist?

Posting here really helps too. We are here for you. 

Luckily, I do have a therapist who - by total coincidence - also happens to be a marriage counselor and the type to actually talk and give input during sessions; I've had a lot of bad experiences with counselors who refuse to "tell you what to do" and believe long periods of silence are the patient coming to some realization when, in fact, I'm just done talking and waiting for their response.

I was particularly peeved last week because it was my grand opportunity to ask for help with my x?/bf situation and ended up taken over by nightmare drama my "friends" had caused around my relapsing.

I haven't spoken to him. And I've heard nothing from him. I'm very torn on whether to text him something innocuous (actually, a friend I saw on Friday, not knowing we were on the skids, made a drawing for him after he'd given her a free CD - which would be a good intro), or to sit it out. Right now, like, literally, at this moment, I don't think I can handle contacting him and having him reject me. It's been another rough week: the "friends" who were "so concerned" about me ended up totally ostracizing, I lost another friend who I thought was using me as a drug mule, I ended up relapsing again - albeit, very short lived, but I can anticipate at least a few days of heightened anxiety and don't want him to talk to me or, worse, see me until I'm 100% on my feet.

I did re-unite with a friend who'd gotten innocently caught in the drama and she's really adamant that I forget about him - that he just doesn't love me, anymore - but I just can't let it go. It was such a long relationship and I was so invested that a sudden end - over the phone! - just doesn't compute. I can't figure out if I'm just blind, in denial, and need to move on (to what? seeing how many other people in my social circle are going to concern-troll, then ditch me? I know it makes better gossip but it still bothers me that my shortly using a drug during a suicidal depression is more distressing than the suicidal depression, itself.)

I'm sorry if I'm harping on this, but it's really helpful to know that people have been in this situation - particularly with long term relationships - and had the guy come back around. I'm really banking on him being taken with his new independence, his new apartment, and hanging out with various people throughout the city. I know he'd told me he wanted to quit his band and just do solo projects; something his friend had also mentioned as an offensive notion after also standing by him for so many years. I'm really hoping it's a matter of waiting for the novelty to wear off but hope I'm not just kidding myself.

Thanks again and - though I know I disappeared for a while (drugs are a great distraction, but temporary) - but support and stories really help!
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