Being Strong During Her Storm...

[Grey Kitty]

BTW even though the divorce stuff is her playing games, she may well go through with it anyway. No way to know.

Whatever happens... .the less you engage in these toxic games, the better it goes.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

 Not responding seems cowardice and as if I'm sticking my head in the sand.  

Maroon,

I've been off the internet for a bit... .tried to catch up on your story.  Since I may not be back soon... .some quick observations.

I think I know you... .and have sense of your values.  You have consistently not wanted a divorce... and not wanted to participate in a divorce.  

I suggest you don't.  If you start having feelings about going through with it... .as you clearly are having those thoughts from time to time (given your situation... .completely normal... .IMO).  Then I would deal with those feelings... explore them on here... .and if you are consistent about those for several weeks or longer... .then maybe there is a bigger discussion to have on here... .and then with your wife.

In the meantime... .your wife may proceed with divorce... or she may not.  Those are her values and decisions to make... .

I really liked one of Grey Kitty's responses.  Where he suggested you apologize for saying you would call lawyer... that you don't want divorce... .and end the conversation (it's a couple posts up).

You very well may end up divorced... .I hope and pray that you don't.  If you leave it up to your wife... .I don't think you will end up divorced.  (just my opinion)

My observation of my r/s... .and that of many others is that pwBPD don't like to "own" their decisions... .they want to bring others in to spread the pain and responsibility.  (again... just my opinion... .based on my observations)

Many of their desires and arguments are cloaked in "isn't this easier... .doesn't it save money... .(the free lawyer time)... .etc etc"

I suggest you simplify your thinking.  If you don't want to divorce... .don't.  Let her own it.

If she "needs" a divorce... .she can get one.  

Last:  Please keep in touch with your attorney... .yes... it will cost you money... .but you should have YOUR attorney explain to you what will happen if you do nothing... .and she pursues divorce.  There may be landmines out there that I or you are not aware of... .

I'll be praying for you... .and for your wife... .your kids... your marriage... .


FF

[MaroonLiquid]

So I have been off these boards for close to a week as I took my kids and went out of town with my FOO.  It was awesome!  We had a blast and rarely thought of the situation with my wife.  I tried texting her at the end of the first two days to check on her as I knew she was out of town on business and she didn't respond either time.  The second time, she started to respond, but decided not to obviously.  After that, I didn't bother texting her again and went on about my vacation, and mainly relaxed.  I haven't talked with her since the softball tournament last weekend.  I do think she was upset that I went on about my life and on vacation "without her" or maybe her kids also, but OH FREAKING WELL!  Honestly, I wasn't even concerned what she did with them while she was out of town on business.  It's not like she hasn't taken vacations without me the past year nor did she seem to care what I was doing!  It was so nice to be away from the constant drama.  :)id I wish my wife and her kids were with us at times?  Yes, but glad I got to spend time with just my kids and made the most of it!  I had so much fun with them.  I feel rejuvenated and ready to continue to stand strong and for the marriage.  Curious to see how long it takes her to contact me.  I do miss companionship with her at times.   

[Fian]

Good to hear from you, and it is great that you are feeling better.  Did you ever communicate to her that you were not going to sign the divorce papers?

[MaroonLiquid]

Good to hear from you, and it is great that you are feeling better.  Did you ever communicate to her that you were not going to sign the divorce papers?

No, as I haven't talked with her since last weekend when she was calling me "her husband".  If she asks I will tell her that.

[MaroonLiquid]

Good to hear from you, and it is great that you are feeling better.  :)id you ever communicate to her that you were not going to sign the divorce papers?

No, as I haven't talked with her since last weekend when she was calling me "her husband".  If she asks I will tell her that.

So my wife texted me yesterday and we were texting back and forth for a while.  I asked if she wanted to meet for dinner and she abruptly said, "No".  I responded and said, "Ok have a great afternoon.  I think she realized how rude her response was, she quickly responded and asked about some stuff she wanted to make for the softball team.  We continued to communicate throughout the evening.  When I asked about how her trip went and how weird it must of felt to not have any of the kids this weekend (they are all out of town), she didn't respond again.  I texted her earlier today and asked how her day was going.  She said she was at the vet and it cost her $700 dollars for our dogs (several treatments) and I validated how that sucked.  She responded, "Yep, someone has to take care of them."  I didn't respond and she later texted to say, "Crickets" as if to say, "You have nothing to say?"  I never responded.  She's looking for a fight and a way to blame me.  I know she is upset about the cost, but again, not my problem.  She has been out of a ton of money recently for things and I have to let her deal with it.  Plus, I won't be mistreated for no reason.  Yes, those are our dogs, but she chose to take them.  She chose the responsibility of them.  How sad that we could have spent some time together with no kids this weekend and she chose the opposite and to try to blame me for things.  I'm sure part of why she is upset is that it's her son's 18th birthday and he is at camp.  I know she has to be sad.  I just won't be abused in the process.

[MaroonLiquid]

Good to hear from you, and it is great that you are feeling better.  :)id you ever communicate to her that you were not going to sign the divorce papers?

No, as I haven't talked with her since last weekend when she was calling me "her husband".  If she asks I will tell her that.

So my wife texted me yesterday and we were texting back and forth for a while.  I asked if she wanted to meet for dinner and she abruptly said, "No".  I responded and said, "Ok have a great afternoon.  I think she realized how rude her response was, she quickly responded and asked about some stuff she wanted to make for the softball team.  We continued to communicate throughout the evening.  When I asked about how her trip went and how weird it must of felt to not have any of the kids this weekend (they are all out of town), she didn't respond again.  I texted her earlier today and asked how her day was going.  She said she was at the vet and it cost her $700 dollars for our dogs (several treatments) and I validated how that sucked.  She responded, "Yep, someone has to take care of them."  I didn't respond and she later texted to say, "Crickets" as if to say, "You have nothing to say?"  I never responded.  She's looking for a fight and a way to blame me.  I know she is upset about the cost, but again, not my problem.  She has been out of a ton of money recently for things and I have to let her deal with it.  Plus, I won't be mistreated for no reason.  Yes, those are our dogs, but she chose to take them.  She chose the responsibility of them.  How sad that we could have spent some time together with no kids this weekend and she chose the opposite and to try to blame me for things.  I'm sure part of why she is upset is that it's her son's 18th birthday and he is at camp.  I know she has to be sad.  I just won't be abused in the process.

After not responding to my wife Saturday after her "Crickets" text, she texted a few hours later and asked if I wanted to go see a movie with her.  We did and had a great time.  We went back to her place and she asked me to stay.  I did and it was one of the most intimate and "close" nights we've had in over a year.  It was pretty amazing.  Yesterday, we went to a little cafe and got some dessert together and then spent the afternoon shopping.  At the cafe, she said, "We have a really good time when we aren't trying to deal with issues".  I validated and changed the subject.  AFter shopping, we went home and took a nap.  Later we went to dinner and she got pretty emotional when talking about her family.  Her FOO is soo messed up, and I think everyone of her siblings and parents have some disorder, seriously.  I realize more and more why she is the way she is and struggles so bad.  I validated what I could and 99% of the time just listened.  Her youngest daughter got home from out of town late last night and we talked with her for a little while.  I went home and back to work today.  Not responding to her "stabbing" texts or "innuendos" really works and strong enough the last couple of months to not respond to those.  She obviously see that more and more, and is responding well. 

[formflier]

  At the cafe, she said, "We have a really good time when we aren't trying to deal with issues".  I validated and changed the subject. 

Spot on!  Nice work.

 

FF

[sweetheart]