Carpet Pulled Out From Under Me

[Odysseus123]

So, I could feel her silent disappointment in me again. She came up to me after a few days and for the 20th time said... ."This relationship is not working for me." This is a couple of weeks after making me a beautiful anniversary card saying that we've had ups and downs but really wants to do another 7 years.  This is all after her crazy and mean and abusive mother visited us for a month and put her and me through hell of judgement and criticism. 

I had a hell of a week and was exhausted and a little irritable... .she used this as the excuse and came up with a list of dumb and critical things I've said to her over the last 7 years.  She always has a list of my transgressions at the ready.

So, her mom was looking to buy a house as an investment. My BPDGF found one and bought it. Now she is moving there with my son.  She laughed at my sadness, told me not to cry like a child. Was cold and enraged. Now she is being nicer and saying that we can treat it as a separation.  She's locked her computer that all of the family uses... .I'm afraid that she locked it because she's found someone new.  She said i could come visit them in the new house and play in the pool. 

I want to spend time with my boy at our house, but am so sickly jealous that with her time alone she will be cheating on me.  I want to beg her to stay, feel guilty that my moments of being angry are the real reason she left. I am riddled with guilt.  Anyway... .I'm struggling each our to not let my mind wander into all of the places that hurt me the most. Fear of her cheating, fear of my boy living alone with her and all the men she will bring over... .god... .what a terrible position to be in. Any words of insight or comfort would be greatly appreciated.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[hellosun]

Welcome here, Odysseus!

I'm so sorry about what you're dealing with right now. That sounds heartbreaking.

I don't have a lot of advice to offer you, but I have a few questions. Is she allowed to take your son, legally? Has she cheated on you before? Has she moved out on you before?

I don't think it's your fault she is behaving this cruelly to you. Laughing at your tears is extremely hurtful. That's not okay. Being irritable sometimes is normal. Don't blame yourself for her unkindness and dysregulation. If anything, her mother's abuse was more likely to contribute to this breakdown.

I'm sure other members will be along to offer more advice. Be gentle with yourself, this is difficult enough without beating yourself up with blame.

[an0ught]

Hi Odysseus123 ,

these mother - daughter dynamic is hard to deal with. Some pwBPD are really weak in protecting themselves or the relationship (daughter) while there are others in the family that just don't respect boundaries (mother). It is hard to say whether you wife is cheating or not but it is clear that the mother is using conflict in the relationship to drive a wedge between you two.

As a first step it may be studying communication skills. Read up on validation and SET - there are pointers to the workshops in the LESSONS post at the top of the board. You can't change the mind of your wife but the better you understand her the more she will listen.

,

a0

[Odysseus123]

Welcome here, Odysseus!

I'm so sorry about what you're dealing with right now. That sounds heartbreaking.

I don't have a lot of advice to offer you, but I have a few questions. Is she allowed to take your son, legally? Has she cheated on you before? Has she moved out on you before?

I don't think it's your fault she is behaving this cruelly to you. Laughing at your tears is extremely hurtful. That's not okay. Being irritable sometimes is normal. Don't blame yourself for her unkindness and dysregulation. If anything, her mother's abuse was more likely to contribute to this breakdown.

I'm sure other members will be along to offer more advice. Be gentle with yourself, this is difficult enough without beating yourself up with blame.

Thanks for your response.  I'm not sure how the legality of taking my son out of the country works. I will check into that once I get some solid ground under my feet. My objection to her leaving him in the car alone when he was an infant and  raged at my objections saying that I was an over protective fearful american. He was left in the car for 15 minutes, with the tinted windows closed, with a dog that just bit her friend in the face the previous day... .while she had to go buy makeup.  Her unwillingness led to my setting a boundary that it wasn't okay with me and that perhaps I could have picked up her makeup for her... .didn't matter. Silent treatment and threatening to leave the relationship was her response.

Then suddenly all is forgotten 3 days later. This pattern ensued for years. She has threatened to leave probably 20 times. But now her mother bought her a house and she can do it comfortably. But there is a pool... .and my little boy can't swim... .and there is no gate around it so if he goes outside he will indeed want to explore... .being a young curious boy... .I guess I'm just being an overprotective american.

I've gone through begging, to apologizing for all of it. I'm realizing that the pattern is that she is willing to blame me for everything and I'm willing to accept responsibility for it.  

And... .the crazy thing is that if she said she wouldnt leave, I would feel like the happiest person on the planet.  I'm also realizing that this trance that I go into has to do with the same trance I went in to please a mother who threatened and would abandon me for hours... .trying to figure out what I did wrong and apologizing when she returned... .but not knowing for what... .but hatever it was that caused her to leave... .I was sorry.