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Author Topic: I'm not really feeling this relationship so much anymore.  (Read 419 times)
misuniadziubek
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« on: June 23, 2015, 12:50:29 PM »

During our NC break, my boyfriendwBPD 'dated' someone who was equally as weird as him, as he put it. This person started to fall in love with him and wanted a relationship with him, and I mean that's understandable. He has his -waif- moments, especially early in relationships so that definitely makes people want to -help- him and he's a ton of fun and very attractive. He would wake up early in the morning sleeping next to this person and start to cry because he was missing me, apparently. He told this person that he wasn't looking for a relationship and entered into this openly telling them he had a gf.

A part of me wishes he had decided to date this other person. Our mutual friend was telling us how he bragged about seeing this girl when he visited last night and showing pictures of her.

I think it's kind of related to his doubts about our relationship. I'm frankly tired of hearing how he doesn't feel attracted to me anymore

Mentally, yes, he finds me beautiful. Physically, he doesn't feel it. We aren't seeing each other for another week. And I just don't feel like bothering to try anymore. I have people who find me immensely attractive amongst my friends of the opposite sex. People who are supportive and validating. I have no intention of ever dating them, I'm not the least bit attracted to anyone like my boyfriend.

I'm feeling all kinds of indifferent towards him. I think a lot of the codependency died during this break. I still felt a bit of it sneak up on my part when we met up last week, but I recognized it and observed it rather than acting on it.

I'm just really tired of trying to make him happy with no results. Last night I told him that I'd rather have his friendship than be in a miserable relationship.

This morning he got mad because I skyped him while he was out of the room and it 'ruined' his day. I validated him, told him I had no intention of ruining his day and could understand how annoying that must feel. Literally observed the change in demeanor of his tone and he ended it off with 'I love you'. I've been extremely validating in most if not all our conversations and he's been opening up more and more. 'Feels as if I understand him'.

I expressed guilt of making our arguments worse before the break by reacting badly. He told me 'everyone makes mistakes. I don't blame you. Why should you blame yourself?'

I just don't know anymore.
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Daniell85
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« Reply #1 on: June 23, 2015, 04:49:35 PM »

Was there an agreement that taking a break meant it was ok to sleep with other people?

Did you discuss that prior to the break.

And honestly, I myself, would have assumed that taking a break from my boyfriend, with the intention of picking back up in a few weeks, didn't mean it was an open relationship, that we were broken up, and anything like that.

Simply, my feelings would feel I was knowing and deliberately cheated on under the guise of "we were taking a break".  That of course, brings a ton of pain for you and confusion... .while for him he slept with someone else and thinks he is "getting away with it".  Which is kind of shady considering he told the other lady he had a girlfriend. He has a girlfriend and he just cheated on her.

I think I would feel numb, hopeless, and eventually pretty darned angry. Actually, I have, because my boyfriend cheated on me, too. And that girl refuses to go away even after 2 years.

That being said, you do sound pretty burned out on him right now. I don't have much advice for you except if you feel worse being close to him and better away from him, then examining your own self on why, and if this can change over time as you apply the tools you learn here.
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misuniadziubek
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« Reply #2 on: June 23, 2015, 07:24:40 PM »

Oh this was break but we  were both allowed to sleep with other people. Not wquite date but sex was allowed. And to be clear and transparent on whether we had. Previous to this we were in an open relationship but emotional cheating was off the table. So he broke no rules and I even dabbled in seeing other people. For the duration we were two single people as far as I saw it.

I am burned out. In general. Two years of a relationship with an untreated borderline does that. He was gonna do DBT but after the break he has decided it's of no use. He's not willing to put up with much more medical sh**. Again I validated the emotion even if I don't agree with it. It's his choice.

I like being able to talk to him as a friend. Less FOG more communication, less codependency and enmeshment.

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vortex of confusion
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« Reply #3 on: June 23, 2015, 07:32:08 PM »

What is the longest break that the two of you have taken?

Do you think that taking a longer break would be helpful?

I know that the open relationship stuff compounded with not knowing exactly where you stand with a partner is very, very trying and very, very exhausting.

Is there any way that you can keep him as a friend and be able to set boundaries to keep yourself from getting sucked back into taking things to a different level?
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misuniadziubek
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Posts: 383


« Reply #4 on: June 23, 2015, 08:24:44 PM »

What is the longest break that the two of you have taken?

Do you think that taking a longer break would be helpful?

I know that the open relationship stuff compounded with not knowing exactly where you stand with a partner is very, very trying and very, very exhausting.

Is there any way that you can keep him as a friend and be able to set boundaries to keep yourself from getting sucked back into taking things to a different level?

This was the longest break. I don't feel like there is any benefit to having a longer break. I'm still pretty attached to him, but I guess I enjoy his presence outside of the context of a romantic relationship. There's a lot less drama this way.  Maybe this is my reaction to him telling me he's not physically attracted to me. It kind of hurts that he was so sexually attracted to someone else but cites the same issues with me even after the break.

I hate that so many other people can be so attracted to me, but not my own boyfriend.
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vortex of confusion
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« Reply #5 on: June 23, 2015, 08:39:39 PM »

This was the longest break. I don't feel like there is any benefit to having a longer break. I'm still pretty attached to him, but I guess I enjoy his presence outside of the context of a romantic relationship. There's a lot less drama this way.  Maybe this is my reaction to him telling me he's not physically attracted to me. It kind of hurts that he was so sexually attracted to someone else but cites the same issues with me even after the break.

How long ago did he tell you that he isn't physically attracted to you?

It takes a while to recover from something like that. My husband told me that and we had been married 15 or 16 years at the time. He actually said that I just don't trip his trigger any more. 

He has since changed his tune but now that doubt has been planted and I find myself wondering what the truth really is, especially since his actions are inconsistent. It does a number on one's self esteem. He hasn't said or done anything like that in a while but I still have days where I am sad and wonder.   
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an0ught
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« Reply #6 on: June 25, 2015, 01:55:09 PM »

Hi misuniadziubek,

This was the longest break. I don't feel like there is any benefit to having a longer break. I'm still pretty attached to him, but I guess I enjoy his presence outside of the context of a romantic relationship. There's a lot less drama this way.  Maybe this is my reaction to him telling me he's not physically attracted to me. It kind of hurts that he was so sexually attracted to someone else but cites the same issues with me even after the break.

I hate that so many other people can be so attracted to me, but not my own boyfriend.

it sort of makes sense that your bf does not find you attractive. Right now he can't have you so finding you attractive would be painful for him. Better to inflict pain on you   He is a petulant child. The fact remains he hurt you badly  

The problem for you is that this comes at a point where you doubt everything including yourself  .

This will be a confusing time - your head made tremendous progress over the past months and weeks. But then your heart is much slower. You realize that you have boundaries and that he has not real power over you. But then your chest gets tight when you feel attacked. You are reacting as if he was a bully when he is simply a petulant child and you have maybe not perfect but reasonably good boundaries. Your heart starts racing when is should feel safe but there is not point in telling. It takes time to develop confidence in yourself.

You are dealing with an unusually large amount of change due to the sudden effectiveness of the boundaries you experience. On top comes the realization of your co-dependent behavior and the role of your mother. This is not something you digest in a few days or weeks  .

For better or worse, likely better the old relationship with your bf has ended. A relationship where you focus not solely on being close and one but where you also put a lot of attention to maintaining boundaries will be different whether with bf or others. More respect, less drama and more validation. Some of that you already have to a degree under your control. Other changes may come if he attends therapy. In any case it will be feeling very different. It takes time, trials and error to adjust to your new emerging needs and self and changes in bf.

Your thoughts are racing and you put them in part down here on the board  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post). This can help to clarify and process. But remember your heart will take time to catch up  
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  Writing is self validation. Writing on bpdfamily is self validation squared!
misuniadziubek
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Semi-long distance relationship living apart.
Posts: 383


« Reply #7 on: June 25, 2015, 02:40:56 PM »

Hi misuniadziubek,

This was the longest break. I don't feel like there is any benefit to having a longer break. I'm still pretty attached to him, but I guess I enjoy his presence outside of the context of a romantic relationship. There's a lot less drama this way.  Maybe this is my reaction to him telling me he's not physically attracted to me. It kind of hurts that he was so sexually attracted to someone else but cites the same issues with me even after the break.

I hate that so many other people can be so attracted to me, but not my own boyfriend.

it sort of makes sense that your bf does not find you attractive. Right now he can't have you so finding you attractive would be painful for him. Better to inflict pain on you   He is a petulant child. The fact remains he hurt you badly  

The problem for you is that this comes at a point where you doubt everything including yourself  .

This will be a confusing time - your head made tremendous progress over the past months and weeks. But then your heart is much slower. You realize that you have boundaries and that he has not real power over you. But then your chest gets tight when you feel attacked. You are reacting as if he was a bully when he is simply a petulant child and you have maybe not perfect but reasonably good boundaries. Your heart starts racing when is should feel safe but there is not point in telling. It takes time to develop confidence in yourself.

You are dealing with an unusually large amount of change due to the sudden effectiveness of the boundaries you experience. On top comes the realization of your co-dependent behavior and the role of your mother. This is not something you digest in a few days or weeks  .

For better or worse, likely better the old relationship with your bf has ended. A relationship where you focus not solely on being close and one but where you also put a lot of attention to maintaining boundaries will be different whether with bf or others. More respect, less drama and more validation. Some of that you already have to a degree under your control. Other changes may come if he attends therapy. In any case it will be feeling very different. It takes time, trials and error to adjust to your new emerging needs and self and changes in bf.

Your thoughts are racing and you put them in part down here on the board  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post). This can help to clarify and process. But remember your heart will take time to catch up  

Idea

 You just literally made me tear up profusely with how spot on EVERYTHING you said was.  :'(

This is exactly how I feel. Last night I used boundaries and validation and it worked like a charm over the phone. No escalation, just progress. I accept that I have these panicky feelings, but I still act with a rational mind. I observe before I react.

LIke my heart is racing right now, because I'm amazed on how well you summarised EVERYTHING I've been feeling the past few days.

Thank you so much. You have no idea how much you've validated everything I'm going through.  
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MaroonLiquid
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« Reply #8 on: June 25, 2015, 03:04:01 PM »

it sort of makes sense that your bf does not find you attractive. Right now he can't have you so finding you attractive would be painful for him. Better to inflict pain on you  

This makes complete sense regarding my wife and her treatment of me also.  It's not that she tells me she doesn't find me attractive, but she made the comment that we won't have sex anymore.  We have had it once (it was strange, had no feeling and emotionally unsatisfying) since that statement was made about 5 weeks ago.  In that time we had my birthday, our anniversary, her getting hit hard by the IRS, and she has treated me like crap 90% of the time (the other 10% is when she noticed I was talking to other people, having a good time and her crap wasn't affecting me) and in front of other people who were like, "What the heck is her problem?"  Since then, she won't drop our daughter off at my select practice and has someone else take her to All Star practice.  I guess she feels ashamed... .Oh well.  Not my problem.
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misuniadziubek
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Semi-long distance relationship living apart.
Posts: 383


« Reply #9 on: June 25, 2015, 11:36:23 PM »

This will be a confusing time - your head made tremendous progress over the past months and weeks. But then your heart is much slower. You realize that you have boundaries and that he has not real power over you. But then your chest gets tight when you feel attacked. You are reacting as if he was a bully when he is simply a petulant child and you have maybe not perfect but reasonably good boundaries. Your heart starts racing when is should feel safe but there is not point in telling. It takes time to develop confidence in yourself.

You are dealing with an unusually large amount of change due to the sudden effectiveness of the boundaries you experience. On top comes the realization of your co-dependent behavior and the role of your mother. This is not something you digest in a few days or weeks  .

For better or worse, likely better the old relationship with your bf has ended. A relationship where you focus not solely on being close and one but where you also put a lot of attention to maintaining boundaries will be different whether with bf or others. More respect, less drama and more validation. Some of that you already have to a degree under your control. Other changes may come if he attends therapy. In any case it will be feeling very different. It takes time, trials and error to adjust to your new emerging needs and self and changes in bf.

Just another insight into everything you wrote here today.

He messages me, angry that I told his friend something. He's very close to a rage. He starts with his usual accusatory remarks, 'before I start telling you that you did bad... ." I'm just like, then don't. I'm tired. I don't feel like doing this right now. He gets somewhat angrier. Starts another bout of his BPDlogic.

I'm like: I really don't feel like talking about this when you are so angry.  Maybe when you are calmer. Plus you've done the exact same thing to me just a couple days ago. He gets angrier. Attempts to attack me, my character. I don't take the bait.  Tells me we are done. Bye - Okay then. Good night.

Frustrated at my lack of response, he finally ends up calling me. My first question, "Are you going to yell at me?"

He's taken aback. "No, I want to hear what you have to say about what I did."

I explain it to him, mostly on how he made me feel when he divulged a personal matter of mine to a common friend. He starts on how he doesn't have time or energy to deal with this.

I'm like... "Neither do I. We don't have to talk."

He goes off on how we might as well be over. - "If that's what you feel is best."

I coherently answer every question. I let him explain his point of view. I validate his emotions while expressing my perspective on the matter.

He ends off with 'Well either get over this or we can be over. It's your choice."

I simply say, "I personally have no intention or desire of ending this relationship over something like that. I feel it's a minor issue that can be resolved easily and talked out, just as we have done so far. It all depends on what you want."

What used to be hours long fights, silent treatments, him raging at me through text or in person turned into a 10 minute minor conflict, and then over an hour of very friendly positive conversation where both of us end off feeling secure in the relationship and somewhat validated. He also requested for me not to yell at him when he's angry because it somehow makes him feel much worse. I joked "When do you prefer I yell at you, because you don't seem to enjoy me yelling at you at all."

This is a huge change. I recovered from this unscathed. No hangover. No hurt. No anxiety. The biggest change is I'm not afraid of ending this relationship. I'm not scared of his threats.  I take his tantrums at face value, as emotionally focused tantrums. I refuse to add fuel to the fire.

I used to experience such intense anxiety every time he was mad. For a moment when I saw that first message, I felt that tightening in my chest, but my instant response was No, I'm feeling good. I'm not putting up with this.

Before I'd apologise incessantly, explain myself, minimise it or beg him to forgive me and all the B-s.
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