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Author Topic: New here. Wife has BPD and we are in crisis  (Read 390 times)
turbo squash
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 101



« on: June 24, 2015, 09:27:48 AM »

I've been married for 2.5 years to my wife. Our relationship hasn't been perfect, but I feel like it has been mostly good. She has been very supportive as I have gone through a difficult 2.5 years in my life.

Two months ago, my life got a lot simpler and I started to have more time to spend with her and to help her out. That seems to have been what caused everything. On a Saturday 2.5 weeks ago, we had one of the most wonderful days together that we have ever had. That following Monday she started being distant. I tried to be supportive. A week passes by and on Monday (9 days after the wonderful experience) she isn't home when she said she would be. I call and text with no response.

I look on our phone bill online to see if I might be able to figure out what is going on with her. I notice that two days after our wonderful day together, she started texting one number a lot. I started to worry because we always talk frequently throughout the day. The week after our wonderful day, she was distant, but I just assumed that she was having a tough time at work.

So, we are back to monday night (9 days after the wonderful day) and I can see she has been talking to one person a LOT. By this I mean every night until 10:30 or 11:00 and she is usually asleep by 9:30. She finally calls me back (around 10:50PM-11:00PM... .very unusual for her to be getting home that late) and I ask her about this number I didn't recognize. She says that it is the intern at work she has been training. She was late getting home because she was at bible study with him. I was worried. She had been talking about how awesome this intern guy was for the last 2-3 weeks.

I react strongly (I had been with friends earlier and had a couple drinks) and after she tells me that, I tell her to leave and stay somewhere else that night.  Ever since then, 15 days ago, it has been complete chaos.

She later admits that she may have started to have feelings for him but insists that they were only friends and that nothing ever happened. Nevertheless, she absolutely refuses to let me see her phone.

We went back and forth for a while. Last Wednesday, a week ago, we talked and she said she wanted a divorce. I got up to go talk to my parents to try to figure things out and she falls apart crying. She says that I don't love her anymore. I told her that I did and that I never stopped. She opens up to me emotionally a tiny bit. She allows me to non-sexually touch her whereas she hadn't let me touch her at all during the preceding 10 days.

In general, things have gone back and forth. At one point, she left a sweet note and flowers for me at our apartment. She has continually said that she needs space. This past Saturday night I offered to stay with my parents. I move the essentials there on Sunday and then she falls apart again and wants to talk. This is this past Sunday, 13 days into the excitement, 3 days ago. I go over. She falls apart and fesses up to the fact that the friendship was inappropriate and that she has ended it and wants to work on us. For the first time in 13 days, she really kisses me and we have sex. (This kind of drought is unusual and it is typically 3-4 times each week.) We talked and she apologizes profusely and says that she is willing to go to therapy for herself and our marriage.

We slept together that night and while things are back to the way they used to be, they seem to be looking up. Monday morning comes and she makes a big effort that morning. We write down our plans to work on our relationship, reconnect, and get past this whole mess. She talks about how she wants to do something together Monday evening.

During the day, I started feeling ill and tell her so. I ask if she can handle dinner and she said that she would. I get home and a (female) friend of hers is there. This is surprising. Whenever I have been in physical pain or ill, she has always doted on me and really taken care of me.

This time, she hands me some medicine and goes out to talk to her friend some more. She then tells me that she is just going to go to one store with her friend. She leaves around 6:30PM. 9:00 PM rolls around, and I'm starting to wonder what is going on.

I text her and don't get a response. I look on the phone bill (something I haven't done for several days) and see that she was texting the male intern again. I see that she texted him for several hours that night. (This is Monday night. Yesterday, we had physically reconnected, spent the night together again for the first time in two weeks and she had said that her friendship with this intern was over.) I wait patiently for her to get home. She finally gets home at 9:45PM. Keep in mind, I've been sick, and she has always taken care of me in the past.

She gets home and is excited because she bought a new dress. (This is also a disappointment because she had said two days ago that she was going to focus on spending as little money as possible.) I ask to see her phone. She seems surprised. She asks why. I told her that I had seen that they had texted for three hours that night... .the day after she told me that she had told him they couldn't be friends anymore. She gets defensive and says that she had been feeling bad about it and wanted closure. She said that she gets that way anytime she loses a friend. I remain calm and ask to see her phone. She refuses and tells me to leave and that it was a bad idea for us to reconnect. I drive away for a little while to think. I remember what I've read about abandonment and their fear of judgement and so I go back and just hold her. We slept together again that night and had sex again. She tells me afterwards that she forced herself because she is trying to make our relationship work.

Yesterday I didn't see any communication between her and the intern (at least through text messaging or phone calls) and I feel hopeful. We had a plan to search therapists online yesterday evening and find two options for her, two options for couples counseling, and two options for me. She said she would be home by 6PM. At 5:30PM, she says that she is so sorry and that she isn't ready to come home. She said that maybe she is trying to make me hate her. I try to call and text. She doesn't respond. I call and text frequently over the next 5 hours. She never responds or answers the phone.

I was never accusatory, mean, or anything other than understanding and loving. I have read about people with BPD need and I tried to give her heaps of it over and over.

She gets home at 11:50PM. She goes right into the shower. This is also unusual for her. She is irritable with me again, which is weird because of how positive the morning had been. I look at the phone bill again while she is in the shower and don't see any texts or calls. Granted, she could be using other means of communication. I wouldn't know because she refuses to let me see her phone.

She eventually gets out and we talk. She refuses to tell me where she was. I'm calm and understanding. I try to talk about other things and we have a normal albeit emotionally distant conversation. I ask again about where she had been.

She insinuates that she went driving and that that is something that she used to do whenever she felt trapped. I ask her how far she made it and she won't say. I asked her about her route and she won't say. We continue to talk and she says that she forced herself to stop loving me and doesn't know how to make herself love me again. She was not willing to talk much about us. We reminisce about old times and share our mutual sorrow/pain about the miscarriage she had this time last year. She allows me to cuddle/snuggle her and we slept together again... .but with more distance than we had the night before.

This morning, we exchange normal conversation. We both get ready for work. She seems just as emotionally distant as she was last night. I ask her if it would help if I made an appointment for her to go to therapy. She said it wouldn't and that after her last therapist moved out of state for a different job, she realized that she had a hard time trusting therapists.

I expressed a lot of optimism and told her how people with BPD (she knows she has it and accepts it, but has not been to therapy for the last 3 years) can have long lasting happy relationships if they get help. I told her that all she has to do is get help and everything will be better and that I will be there for her every step of the way. She accepts it as true, but doesn't say anything else. She hugs me and kisses me before she leaves, but it still isn't nearly as warm she used to be.

Worth noting: last month we were doing IVF and she took massive amounts of hormones to make that work. We had a good result and currently have six viable embryos awaiting implantation. Maybe her hormones are still out of wack? Two of her friends have been going through really hard times lately. She has been extremely successful at work and is on track to get a 110% raise this year... .less than 18 months after she started her current job.

I'm sorry for this wall of text, but I don't know what to do. My parents have been extremely supportive and that has been helpful. I have tried to be very loving, understanding, and hopeful towards my wife. She has gotten therapy in the past. She has her own DBT book at home. The fact that she has stayed home and slept with me the last three nights also gives me hope.

However, the lies (I didn't mention that, but I have caught her in several), the refusal to be open, and the indecisiveness about pursuing therapy has me concerned. I am tough. I am patient. In a lot of ways I have been an emotional rock for her over the last 2.5 years and I can continue to be that. My dad was always good about keeping his cool and I have gotten a lot better about it recently. My parents have been married for over 30 years and I want to grow old with this woman. Despite the sad behavior of the last two weeks, I know how good she has been to me over the last three years and I hope I can get back to that.

I suppose my question is this: should I be preparing myself for the end or modifying what I do to help us fix our relationship? 

Thank you for reading.


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CastleofGlass
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 89



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« Reply #1 on: June 24, 2015, 09:51:02 AM »

turbo squash-First off, welcome to bpdfamily. This is a very good step for you on your path to making this marriage stand the test of time. I would also say it is very good that your wife is already diagnosed BPD and she accepts it. Many of us here, myself included, are in a different scenario in which our pwBPD has no idea they have it and so many do not even get treatment. It almost falls on us more to keep it going.

There are many resourceful links to your right covering many different topics to help further your knowledge and coping. I can see myself in your situation. I had been known to pick up my wifes phone, go through her email and facebook many years ago when she had male friends she conversed with frequently. It is good that you have remained calm, you are already better off than a lot of us have been in those situations.

She gets home at 11:50PM. She goes right into the shower. This is also unusual for her. She is irritable with me again, which is weird because of how positive the morning had been.

I don't want to create something out of nothing here. I apologize in advance but I just want you to be careful. Could be that she just felt tense and wanted to relax with a hot shower, maybe she just felt 'yucky'. But there is also the chance that she wanted to cover up some scents from her late evening. You may have already thought of this and just didn't want to read too much into it and I applaud that. These observations can create more chaos if you cannot control your emotions concerning them. But, I would still say it is a fair statement to be at least vigilant when these things happen and maybe keep a personal log of all these things either written (hidden very well) or electronic. At the end of the day, you still need to protect you and in times like these, there are many questionable things she is doing. I would be sure to look at some of the traits of a pwBPD and a couple of those traits will stand out very well concerning this situation.
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turbo squash
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 101



« Reply #2 on: June 24, 2015, 10:19:59 AM »

I don't want to create something out of nothing here. I apologize in advance but I just want you to be careful. Could be that she just felt tense and wanted to relax with a hot shower, maybe she just felt 'yucky'. But there is also the chance that she wanted to cover up some scents from her late evening.

I didn't mention it, but I have questioned her several times about whether or not she was cheating on me after seeing the extent to which she has texted this person and how it coincided with distance and irritability towards me. She denied it repeatedly. Last Sunday (3 days ago), she said that she called things off with that friend and that maybe she was developing feelings for that person and didn't realize it. She apologized for not respecting my feelings.

However, when I looked at the bill when she was late coming home Monday night, I realized that I didn't see any communication that could have indicated that she had in fact told a friend that they wouldn't be friends anymore. There had not been texts or a phone call in the several days before Sunday when she said that she had called off the friendship. I asked her how she had told him that their friendship had to end because I couldn't see any evidence that they had talked in several days.

And again, remember that she refuses to ever let me see her phone.

I'm trying to not jump to conclusions but when I see how she has been acting towards me, how distant she has been, how little she communicates with me, how much she has previously communicated with him, showering right when she gets home(she has never done that as long as we have been married), and her constant refusal to tell me where she has been, it is hard to expect that anything other than an affair is happening.

Just because texts and phone calls don't show up, doesn't mean that she couldn't be using an instant messaging app that uses the internet. There would be no way of knowing that she was since she refuses to let me see her phone.

She had party phase for a while there. She claimed that I was her first and a lot of things make me think that. However, during her party phase she did make out with a lot of people and do other sexual non-intercourse things. The point is, meaningless sexual/physical experiences aren't foreign to her.

A week before we got married, she got really drunk. When I went to pick her up, she was trying to kiss her best friend... .and she was doing it in front of me.

I've been wondering if I've been allowing myself to be abused for a long time.
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an0ught
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Relationship status: married
Posts: 5048



« Reply #3 on: June 27, 2015, 04:15:05 AM »

Hi turbo squash ,

sounds like you marriage goes through a troubled phase  . It is always difficult to pin-point what the cause is - traits of BPD, hormones and a number of other things. While nobody can say whether BPD is at the root of your recent troubles there is a sense that drama has entered your relationship and is growing. The LESSONS contain a number of strategies and skills (skill i.e. not just understanding but practicing required) that counter drama.

You are getting irritated and in turn try to control her, obsess about details of her behavior and ask for details she wants to keep private. That all in turn irritates her too - she turns to JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend and Explain) which then again irritates you. There is no point in trying to control her - it will just lead to push-back and more drama. That said it is also not ok to let her trample over your interests. Pick your battles - which ones matter really - which ones are winnable at this point - what forces can you commit without overextending yourself - and how do you make sure once you engage it creates change? Check out the workshops on boundaries. A worthwhile boundary are often financial ones and being treated with respect.

As said your current strategies will irritate your wife and are eroding her goodwill. I'm not saying that your wife has not started and is the main contributor - may well be - certainly true for all pwBPD but dwelling on fairness here won't lead anywhere positive. Some actions like asking for her phone to dive in are signaling distrust and are invalidating. A healthy relationship has a ratio of 5:1 or better between validating and invalidating exchanges between partners. The quickest way to improve the ratio is to reduce invalidation (often in form of JADE - Justify Argue Defend and Explain) on both sides. Improving your active listening and becoming better at validation can help you to restore a closer and healthier band with your partner.

Welcome,

a0
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babyducks
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2920



« Reply #4 on: June 27, 2015, 07:12:45 AM »

Hi turbo squash

and welcome to the family.    You are definitely going through a difficult period.    And I know I would find it hard to know what to do.   This is tough stuff.  I want to echo what an0ught posted.    There are a lot of good ideas there.   

When I first arrived here there was a lot of drama going on in my relationship.   And my mantra was don't engage in anything that fueled the drama.  I think it was a great idea to take a break and go spend time with your parents.  I spent a lot of time walking away and curtailing conversations that were getting too emotionally loaded.   It was extraordinarily difficult.  I can't tell you how I struggled with it.   I can say I lost 15 pounds in about 2 months.   

It's very good that you are trying to not jump to conclusions.   The professionals who deal with BPD always suggest going with the most benign explanation right up to the point where you can't any more.   Its another way to counter drama.

Boundaries are a good place to start.   What I think I am hearing from you is that you have a strong boundary around being the primary and most significant emotional partner with your wife and that an intimate friendship with the intern, whether it has crossed the line into sexual impropriety or not, is not acceptable.   I am wondering how you can express that as a healthy boundary which focuses more on you, and less on the intern and the phone?  how would that look?

what do you think turbo?


'ducks

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