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Author Topic: Trying to make sense out of my last coaching session  (Read 872 times)
vortex of confusion
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« on: June 24, 2015, 12:13:14 PM »

I have been working with a trauma coach that specializes in sex addiction stuff for the past month or so. I walked away from that session feeling like I was punched in the gut. I wasn't sure whether or not to post here or in the personal inventory forum. I decided to put it here because I don't want a bunch of people telling me to leave my husband.

I will try to give a quick synopsis:

1. She seemed hyperfocused on painting my husband out to be something that he isn't. She implied that I am putting my kids in danger by leaving them at home with their dad when I go to work. Yes, he is a sex addict. All of his behaviors have been pretty tame in the grand scheme of things and he is only interested in grown women.

2. I mentioned that I don't feel like he is a good father and that I felt like building him up on father's day was being a bit dishonest. She asked if I had told him that I think he is a bad father. No, I haven't told him. I don't see the need to tell him something like that. She pushed the idea that sometimes people need to hear hard things.

3. At one point, she told me, "You sound like a woman that is being physically, emotionally, and sexually abused and you are in deep denial." Any time I tried to offer a different take on things, she would counter with another question until I got to a point where I started crying and didn't know how to respond as I felt like she was trying to get me to admit to something.

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« Reply #1 on: June 24, 2015, 12:21:26 PM »

I am sorry that you had such a difficult session.   I have had quite a few difficult sessions with my psychologist.

I thought of a few questions that may help you.

1. She seemed hyperfocused on painting my husband out to be something that he isn't. She implied that I am putting my kids in danger by leaving them at home with their dad when I go to work. Yes, he is a sex addict. All of his behaviors have been pretty tame in the grand scheme of things and he is only interested in grown women.

Why do you think that your trauma coach suggested this? Is this something that you believe?

2. I mentioned that I don't feel like he is a good father and that I felt like building him up on father's day was being a bit dishonest. She asked if I had told him that I think he is a bad father. No, I haven't told him. I don't see the need to tell him something like that. She pushed the idea that sometimes people need to hear hard things.

What do you think the outcome of telling him that he is a bad father would be? Try looking from it from another perspective. What are some positive things that he does as a father?

3. At one point, she told me, "You sound like a woman that is being physically, emotionally, and sexually abused and you are in deep denial." Any time I tried to offer a different take on things, she would counter with another question until I got to a point where I started crying and didn't know how to respond as I felt like she was trying to get me to admit to something.

Do you feel invalidated that she was telling you how you should feel? Did you feel that you were not being heard? If you could respond to her now, what would you tell her?
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« Reply #2 on: June 24, 2015, 12:27:37 PM »

Hi VOC,  

Can you say a bit more about what's going on for you in relation to what was discussed in the session ?

I can hear that maybe what your coach has said has left you emotionally reeling.

What I will say is that when I heard the judge read out my husbands past and present behaviours set against his recent conviction, I felt like I might puke it sounded so awful. I've been living with him through all of his chaos of the last two years and knew things were bad, but now I realise things were way worse then I realised. I had become used to his chaos and it started to become my normal.

I'm not telling you anything you don't already know, but here on this forum for the most part we have all tolerated behaviours that I suspect most people would run a mile from and never look back.

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« Reply #3 on: June 24, 2015, 01:14:16 PM »

I am sorry that you had such a difficult session.   I have had quite a few difficult sessions with my psychologist.

Thank you!

Excerpt
Why do you think that your trauma coach suggested this? Is this something that you believe?

I do not believe that my kids are in any danger being with their dad. He is checked out a lot but he has never done anything that would lead me to believe that being with him is dangerous. There is a big difference between being checked out and putting a kid in danger. She wanted to know how I know that he isn't looking at porn with the kids around. I felt like I was put on the spot. When I tried to tell her that I can check browser history, she said it could be deleted. I felt like she was countering me on it all. My husband hasn't looked at porn since 2003. His acting out stuff that was most recent was email with ladies at work. She seemed so convinced that my kids are in danger. I felt like she was trying to make a case to report me. That is how I felt. That may not be the case at all.

That same morning, she sent me an email with an intake form that wanted all of my information and had a bunch of stuff about being a mandatory reporter. I have been working with her for over a month and she hadn't sent it to me. The day she sends it to me is the day she pushes this stuff. Her questions felt very leading.

Excerpt
What do you think the outcome of telling him that he is a bad father would be? Try looking from it from another perspective. What are some positive things that he does as a father?

On Father's day, I cooked a big dinner and baked my husband a pie for dessert. We had a big family dinner at the table and I asked each of the kids to name at least one thing that they like about their dad. The oldest said she likes being able to talk to him about gaming and she likes having political and philosophical discussions with him. One said that she liked his dad humor. Even though it annoys her, she finds if funny and likes it. One of them said that she likes that dad is fluffy. Another likes the way dad makes Hamburger helper.

I know that he does good things as a father. I feel like I made a big mistake sharing my negative feelings about him. Yes, I did feel like it was a lie to be so positive on Father's day. Yes, I did feel like I was celebrating and encouraging mediocrity. That doesn't mean that he doesn't have his good qualities. I feel like the point was to work through my negative feelings. They are feelings, not facts. Just because I say he is a bad father doesn't mean that he actually is. I even told her that I am probably having too high of standards because I was a daddy's girl and my dad spoiled me rotten when I was a kid. I don't think she heard that part.

The message that I got from her was, "If he is a bad dad, then you need to tell him. Sometimes, people need to hear the hard stuff." I don't know what good would come of it. That evening, I did break down and tell my husband about our session including the stuff about being a bad dad. I told him, "I don't want to tell you this. You know that you still have a lot of work to do. You made so much progress. I think it is mean to tell you this. She seems to think that I need to tell you that you are a bad dad." It hurt him and he was as shell shocked by it all as I was. He didn't get mad. He didn't get defensive. He listened and we talked about it.

Excerpt
Do you feel invalidated that she was telling you how you should feel? Did you feel that you were not being heard? If you could respond to her now, what would you tell her?

I felt completely invalidated. Yes, I have been venting to her and saying a lot of negative stuff about my husband and my situation. I thought the whole purpose of our sessions was to help me deal with the trauma. I felt like she was trying to get me to admit that my husband is a demanding jerk that does nothing but look at porn and fap and mess with other women while I am stuck at home with no car. She never ever asked me if there was anything positive about my husband. She did not ask for clarification on anything. I feel like she listened to what I said to create an image of what she thinks is going on without checking with me for clarification.

What would I tell her now?

I would tell her that my husband can be a jerk and he is a sex addict. That does not mean that leaving him with our kids is endangering them. Yes, I left my kids with him when I went out and met with another man. Yes, my husband knew where I was going. No, my husband was not hyper aroused. I was NOT leaving my kids with a hyper aroused sex addict. He did not get aroused until after I came home and told him about it. Even if he was aroused, that doesn't equal danger. You make him sound like a pedophile. He is NOT that. I may have my doubts about him in some areas. This is NOT one of those areas. I know what turns him on and I know what his triggers are. Being with his kids is one of the safest things for him to do. Not only that, but I am curious as to why you are focusing on stuff that happened so long ago? This stuff hasn't happened in a long time. The only time my husband is with the kids no is when I go to work or the grocery store. It isn't like I have some kind of big fancy social life.

My husband doesn't go out bar hopping. He goes to work in the morning, comes home in the evening, and stays home. He doesn't party. He has done some questionable things in the past. All of that has stopped. If he gets out of line, I say something and stops. He is NOT the monster that you are painting him out to be.

Furthermore, I would like to know how in the world pursuing this line of questioning is going to help me move forward. Instead helping me keep things balanced, I feel like I am being pushed to see things a certain way. Right now, I feel like you have made up your mind that my husband is a monster and that my kids and I are in danger. That is the biggest load of hogwash I have ever heard.
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« Reply #4 on: June 24, 2015, 01:23:00 PM »

Can you say a bit more about what's going on for you in relation to what was discussed in the session ?

I can hear that maybe what your coach has said has left you emotionally reeling.

What I will say is that when I heard the judge read out my husbands past and present behaviours set against his recent conviction, I felt like I might puke it sounded so awful. I've been living with him through all of his chaos of the last two years and knew things were bad, but now I realise things were way worse then I realised. I had become used to his chaos and it started to become my normal.

I'm not telling you anything you don't already know, but here on this forum for the most part we have all tolerated behaviours that I suspect most people would run a mile from and never look back.

The session started out innocent enough. She wanted me to do an exercise where I rated my values. She wanted my top 5 values. Mine were Family, honesty, integrity, joy, and something else. She started pursuing the honesty thing with questions like do you feel like you are being honest in your life or something like that. Since this was the day after Father's day, the thing that was fresh in my mind was the fact that I felt like I was being dishonest on Father's day because I don't feel like my husband is a great father. From there is catapulted into the whole, why aren't you telling him these things. Why aren't you being honest with him about this? To me, it seems obvious that you just don't go up to somebody and say, "Hey, you suck as a dad." All I could come up with was that I don't tell him because I think it would be mean. I think that is a valid reason. I felt like that wasn't good enough. He needs to hear the hard stuff, blah, blah, blah.

Somewhere in there, I told her that I didn't think he was doing enough. I can see why she might think some of these things. I guess I am confused as to why she would push certain thing so hard. In all honesty, I felt attacked.

At one point, I tried to remind her of all of the progress that I have made.

I know what my husband has done. I know what I have done to contribute to the situation. Is it pretty? Heck no! Was it abuse? Some of it was, some of it wasn't. The bottom line is that my kids and I are safe and all I want is a safe place to discuss this stuff with somebody that isn't going to tell me that I am abused and am in denial. Maybe there was abuse in the past. There isn't any now.
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« Reply #5 on: June 24, 2015, 01:45:29 PM »

is she a licensed psychotherapist... .anyone can be a "coach"

her style as described sounds unethical. the point of therapy is to support individual autonomy... .so that you reach your own conclusions. You are not to feel badgered. ever.

it is generally legally and ethically required for a practitioner to go over an informed consent and with you and have you sign it Before you divulge personal information. that means at your first meeting you are advised about mandatory reporting etc.
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« Reply #6 on: June 24, 2015, 01:55:30 PM »

I'm sorry that you had to go through that, especially the suggestion that your children aren't safe.

VOC do you know what qualifications this person has, what her training is and what experience does she bring to this role?

My concern around this for you is that you are only three sessions in and she cant really know you yet. She was pushing you very hard with some big issues and this raises red flags for me around her awareness of your needs and readiness to address the issues she raised.  


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« Reply #7 on: June 24, 2015, 02:01:38 PM »

Well, Vortex, I do see something positive that came out of an undoubtedly very unpleasant session: you are very clear about what you think and feel about your husband. She pushed you, you drew a line and you can state unequivocally that your children are safe and that your husband has made progress compared to how he was some years ago. That is good.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #8 on: June 24, 2015, 02:18:10 PM »

is she a licensed psychotherapist... .anyone can be a "coach"

No, she is NOT a licensed therapist. She made that clear in the beginning. She has coaching credentials but that is it. I haven't found out whether or not she has a Bachelor's degree even. On her page, it lists a University and a year but no degree title.

Excerpt
her style as described sounds unethical. the point of therapy is to support individual autonomy... .so that you reach your own conclusions. You are not to feel badgered. ever.

That is what I thought too. I am supposed to reach my own conclusions but her questions felt very leading and were very inaccurate. How would you feel if somebody asked you, ":)o you realize that you could have been endangering your children by leaving them at home with a hyper aroused male?" That was her question. I don't remember the exact wording of the beginning of the question but that was the question. I keep saying it and typing it out. I wasn't leaving them with just any horny guy off the street. I was leaving them with their father who falls short a lot of the time but he loves his kids more than anything. He doesn't know how to show it and he sucks at it at times.

Excerpt
it is generally legally and ethically required for a practitioner to go over an informed consent and with you and have you sign it Before you divulge personal information. that means at your first meeting you are advised about mandatory reporting etc.

I was looking back through my e-mails. I started seeing her back in May around May 11th. Looking at the calendar, I think we have had 4 or 5 sessions so far. I did not get the informed consent stuff and the new intake form until this week. She said she was going to send it a while back but never did.
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« Reply #9 on: June 24, 2015, 02:20:09 PM »

3. At one point, she told me, "You sound like a woman that is being physically, emotionally, and sexually abused and you are in deep denial." Any time I tried to offer a different take on things, she would counter with another question until I got to a point where I started crying and didn't know how to respond as I felt like she was trying to get me to admit to something.

the sentence above ... .it's just bad therapy.  

the leading questions... .bad therapy

there are ways to work with the obvious concerns that may be coming up... .but the training involves learning to manage this skillfully. this sentence (about denial) is not skillful. a direct confrontation would not be worded this way ... and confrontation if done at all is utilized in the middle to later stages of a therapy relationship when a solid relationship of trust is firmly grounded over time. it's just bad, unskillful therapy. blah. it's just bad, and stupid. find a therapist that is licensed

and has had advanced training working with trauma.

you are absolutely correct, she should be asking exploratory questions that encourage complex thinking, not a focus on your husband as the only problem.


you are nailing it correctly... .she is way over her head.

argh!

It's just not good therapy.  trust your instincts!

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« Reply #10 on: June 24, 2015, 02:20:56 PM »

I'm sorry that you had to go through that, especially the suggestion that your children aren't safe.

VOC do you know what qualifications this person has, what her training is and what experience does she bring to this role?

My concern around this for you is that you are only three sessions in and she cant really know you yet. She was pushing you very hard with some big issues and this raises red flags for me around her awareness of your needs and readiness to address the issues she raised.  

She has coach training.

I feel really dumb because I didn't dig too far into her background. I saw that she had the trauma certifications for spouses of sex addicts and I saw that she has been in business since 2013. The other confounding factor is that she was doing it pro bono. I wasn't going to ask too many questions or press her too hard about her qualifications. I didn't want to look a gift horse in the mouth.
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« Reply #11 on: June 24, 2015, 02:24:00 PM »

Well, Vortex, I do see something positive that came out of an undoubtedly very unpleasant session: you are very clear about what you think and feel about your husband. She pushed you, you drew a line and you can state unequivocally that your children are safe and that your husband has made progress compared to how he was some years ago. That is good.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Thanks for pointing that out Cat!

It is odd how unbelievably protective I feel about my husband in all of this. I guess that is why I like these forums. I can vent away yet still have people try to pull me out of getting caught up in the negativity.

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« Reply #12 on: June 24, 2015, 02:39:29 PM »

You know exactly what you think about your husband.  It seems that you have a positive way of perceiving your husband and understanding your relationship. It is a realistic way of looking at things. That is what you should take from the session.

I understand how it can feel that someone is trying to convince you otherwise. My psychologist has tried this approach (irreverent communication strategy) and it did not work. It only made me feel invalidated and frustrated.

What would I tell her now?

Will you tell her how you felt during your next session? 
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« Reply #13 on: June 24, 2015, 02:49:09 PM »

Will you tell her how you felt during your next session? 

After reviewing her credentials and considering what it is that I want and need, I have decided to end the relationship with her. I don't feel like I can trust her enough to make any progress. I would feel like anything else I say would be JADEing instead of having productive communication. In order to be able to open up and worth through stuff, I need to be able to trust that I am not going to be put in a situation like that again.

I completely fell apart crying. She just sat there an listened and didn't say anything until I told her that I didn't know what to say. I didn't know how to answer her questions and I didn't know what it was that she wanted from me. I told her I felt like I should say something or soothe her or something. I think it may have been at that point that she asked me how I felt. At that point in the call, I was such a mess that I don't even remember what I told her about my feelings.

If she was trying to use a specific therapeutic technique on me, it didn't work. All it did was make me want to retreat and never talk to her again. One thing that I realize in all of this is that I do have a thresh hold. Once it has been crossed, I stand up and put a stop to things. I think that is a good thing. I may not have the same thresh hold as others, but it is very much there.
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« Reply #14 on: June 24, 2015, 02:50:16 PM »

I feel really dumb because I didn't dig too far into her background. I saw that she had the trauma certifications for spouses of sex addicts and I saw that she has been in business since 2013. The other confounding factor is that she was doing it pro bono. I wasn't going to ask too many questions or press her too hard about her qualifications. I didn't want to look a gift horse in the mouth.

This is not on you, she has an ethical responsibility even as a coach to ensure you feel safe and held, and are working at your own pace.

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« Reply #15 on: June 24, 2015, 02:57:30 PM »

Will you tell her how you felt during your next session? 

After reviewing her credentials and considering what it is that I want and need, I have decided to end the relationship with her. I don't feel like I can trust her enough to make any progress. I would feel like anything else I say would be JADEing instead of having productive communication. In order to be able to open up and worth through stuff, I need to be able to trust that I am not going to be put in a situation like that again.

I completely fell apart crying. She just sat there an listened and didn't say anything until I told her that I didn't know what to say. I didn't know how to answer her questions and I didn't know what it was that she wanted from me. I told her I felt like I should say something or soothe her or something. I think it may have been at that point that she asked me how I felt. At that point in the call, I was such a mess that I don't even remember what I told her about my feelings.

If she was trying to use a specific therapeutic technique on me, it didn't work. All it did was make me want to retreat and never talk to her again. One thing that I realize in all of this is that I do have a thresh hold. Once it has been crossed, I stand up and put a stop to things. I think that is a good thing. I may not have the same thresh hold as others, but it is very much there.

What you describe here VOC is utterly unprofessional on so many levels. Not going back is absolutely the right decision.

Is there anyone you could report her to ? I understand that you might feel the need to just not go there.
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« Reply #16 on: June 24, 2015, 02:57:42 PM »

After reviewing her credentials and considering what it is that I want and need, I have decided to end the relationship with her. I don't feel like I can trust her enough to make any progress. I would feel like anything else I say would be JADEing instead of having productive communication. In order to be able to open up and worth through stuff, I need to be able to trust that I am not going to be put in a situation like that again.

I applaud you for knowing your self and what you want.  Although the session was invalidating and upsetting, it gave you some insight of who you are and what you want. It can be hard for people to realize that at times. That is some awesome insight.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)


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« Reply #17 on: June 24, 2015, 04:31:49 PM »

Excerpt
I completely fell apart crying. She just sat there an listened and didn't say anything until I told her that I didn't know what to say. I didn't know how to answer her questions and I didn't know what it was that she wanted from me. I told her I felt like I should say something or soothe her or something. I think it may have been at that point that she asked me how I felt. At that point in the call, I was such a mess that I don't even remember what I told her about my feelings.

I am very sorry that this happened. 

And I want to make it very clear... .that you did nothing wrong in seeing her in good faith.

I in no way want to suggest that you shouldn't expect to feel a certain degree of good faith that a person who says they have experience working with folks who are in stressful situations... .can do just that.  Lots of us need help and would jump at sliding scale or pro bono work with a person who advertises they have experience.  It may be she is still learning her trade... but that is why she needs supervision to thoroughly discuss her cases and her approach. 

I am so sorry this happened and I sincerely apologize to you if my discomfort with the coach has led you to feel worse in anyway... .I want to be clear that my discomfort is toward the the coach, and is in no way directed at you, the consumer. 

Honestly, you have more insight into what should be happening in a therapy or coaching session... .than your coach.  You have very good instincts.
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« Reply #18 on: June 24, 2015, 05:17:20 PM »

What you describe here VOC is utterly unprofessional on so many levels. Not going back is absolutely the right decision.

Is there anyone you could report her to ? I understand that you might feel the need to just not go there.

I have no idea who I could report her to or even if I want to at the moment.

I did send her an email telling her that I do not feel that her coaching is what I need at this time. She said that she understood that our session was difficult and that she hopes I will take the time to process everything we talked about. And she told me that she needs those forms for the first 5 sessions.
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« Reply #19 on: June 24, 2015, 05:30:53 PM »

I applaud you for knowing your self and what you want.  Although the session was invalidating and upsetting, it gave you some insight of who you are and what you want. It can be hard for people to realize that at times. That is some awesome insight.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Thank you!

It did give me a lot of insight.

I think that is the difficult part of looking for a professional. I really need to rethink what it is that I want in a counseling relationship. Up until this point, I was pretty focused on the sex addiction. Yeah, it complicates things but I think she was too hyper focused on that and seemed to want to make everything into something twisted. She insisted that I tell my husband to get tested for STDs. I did that and everything came back fine. When I told her that it came back fine, she didn't want to hear it unless I had seen the results with my own two eyes. She wanted me to be able to provide some kind of concrete proof about a lot of stuff.

How can she comment on whether or not my husband is in recovery? Heck, I can't say anything one way or the other for sure. All I can go on is the fact that he is treating me and the kids better and I have not seen any evidence of him doing anything related to the sex addiction.

I know my husbands patterns. I know the things that he lies about. My husband is a horrible liar. I get more frustrated when he tries it because he knows it isn't going to fly with me. I felt like she was trying to plant seeds of doubt all over the place.
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« Reply #20 on: June 24, 2015, 05:43:57 PM »

I in no way want to suggest that you shouldn't expect to feel a certain degree of good faith that a person who says they have experience working with folks who are in stressful situations... .can do just that.  Lots of us need help and would jump at sliding scale or pro bono work with a person who advertises they have experience.  It may be she is still learning her trade... but that is why she needs supervision to thoroughly discuss her cases and her approach. 

I am so sorry this happened and I sincerely apologize to you if my discomfort with the coach has led you to feel worse in anyway... .I want to be clear that my discomfort is toward the the coach, and is in no way directed at you, the consumer. 

Honestly, you have more insight into what should be happening in a therapy or coaching session... .than your coach.  You have very good instincts.

Thank you! I found your questioning to be very validating because it was in line with what I was already thinking.

A couple of months ago, I severed a relationship with my 12 step sponsor so I was beginning to feel like I am being difficult or picky. I have heard so many people talk about their partners not liking any therapist and having a problem with them and not wanting to go back. It is one of those things where I am trying to check myself and make sure that I am not running away because she said some things that were really hard to hear. Yeah, those things were hard to hear but I don't think it is okay for her to state that I am a woman that is being sexually, emotionally, and physically abused and that I am in denial. I keep repeating it because it seems so far off.

Yes, there have been incidents and isolated periods where I would absolutely positively agree that I was being abused. I am sure that I talked way too much about the negative periods and the abusive periods. And, I know that I didn't get to mention any of the positive stuff. Why would I bring up the positive stuff if the focus is supposed to be on dealing with the trauma side of things?
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« Reply #21 on: June 24, 2015, 05:45:49 PM »

I think I can relate here.  When I tell my story to others, more often than not the response is that I am in an unsafe place, that my wife is dangerous, and that I am seriously abused and need to get out, as this is the only solution.  Yes, those comments feel quite invalidating, but I can't fault the person saying them.  On paper, this looks quite bad.  Social workers trained in domestic abuse, domestic abuse advocates, and friends will all say that.  Therapists, on the other hand, see the difficulty I am having emotionally with this situation, and try to work more with where I am at.  The one exception is if they see I am in some kind of real danger, either from her or to myself, or if a child is in some kind of danger, the T is required by law to report it.  I've had to sign releases stating as such. 

If my wife and I had a child together, I wonder if some of the things I have mentioned to therapists would be enough where the therapist would feel required to report to child services.  I'm pretty sure that would be the case.  Just think if you were my T, and I came in saying that my wife had hit me, screamed at me for 2 hours at 1 am, broke dishes, and slammed doors (all of which have happened), and I told you I had a 4 year old in the house at the time, would you not feel it your duty to ensure the child's safety?

I know you didn't get a helpful response from your coach, and I know how that feels.  And please, I'm not defending the coach here in any way.  What I am saying is that the coach has a certain viewpoint, and bravo for you for recognizing that the coach's approach was not working for you, and to choose a different path.  That's a tough decision to make.  I don't know how many people have told me I need to leave my relationship ASAP and that there is no alternative.  Those reactions used to upset me, but I have learned to restrict what I share with certain people, and take those reactions with a grain of salt.  I suggest seeking out other support for yourself from someone who is more validating and understanding of exactly where you are at and what you need.

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« Reply #22 on: June 24, 2015, 05:59:37 PM »

I think I can relate here.  When I tell my story to others, more often than not the response is that I am in an unsafe place, that my wife is dangerous, and that I am seriously abused and need to get out, as this is the only solution.  Yes, those comments feel quite invalidating, but I can't fault the person saying them.  On paper, this looks quite bad.  Social workers trained in domestic abuse, domestic abuse advocates, and friends will all say that.  Therapists, on the other hand, see the difficulty I am having emotionally with this situation, and try to work more with where I am at.  The one exception is if they see I am in some kind of real danger, either from her or to myself, or if a child is in some kind of danger, the T is required by law to report it.  I've had to sign releases stating as such. 

That is the kicker for me. She didn't seem to concerned about paperwork or anything like that. The day that she sends me all of these releases, she tries to paint things in a horrible light and tries to get me to admit that I knowingly put my kids in danger. I didn't sign any releases.

Excerpt
If my wife and I had a child together, I wonder if some of the things I have mentioned to therapists would be enough where the therapist would feel required to report to child services.  I'm pretty sure that would be the case.  Just think if you were my T, and I came in saying that my wife had hit me, screamed at me for 2 hours at 1 am, broke dishes, and slammed doors (all of which have happened), and I told you I had a 4 year old in the house at the time, would you not feel it your duty to ensure the child's safety?

Absolutely, you would be reported. I am not saying that he is hitting or slamming doors or anything like that. He is a sex addict that is checked out. I guess she is interpreting that as him being something horrible and disgusting.

Excerpt
I know you didn't get a helpful response from your coach, and I know how that feels.  And please, I'm not defending the coach here in any way.  What I am saying is that the coach has a certain viewpoint, and bravo for you for recognizing that the coach's approach was not working for you, and to choose a different path.  That's a tough decision to make.  I don't know how many people have told me I need to leave my relationship ASAP and that there is no alternative.  Those reactions used to upset me, but I have learned to restrict what I share with certain people, and take those reactions with a grain of salt.  I suggest seeking out other support for yourself from someone who is more validating and understanding of exactly where you are at and what you need.

I haven't gone to a therapist or counselor since college. I didn't have any problems back then. This whole thing is kind of new to me.
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« Reply #23 on: June 24, 2015, 06:07:05 PM »

Absolutely, you would be reported. I am not saying that he is hitting or slamming doors or anything like that. He is a sex addict that is checked out. I guess she is interpreting that as him being something horrible and disgusting.

My feeling is that the coach is reading something else into this based upon her personal experience.  You said "sex addict" not "pedophile" or "registered sex offender".  There are TONS of sex addicts out there, but that doesn't mean they are dangerous to kids.  And being "checked out"... . again, not exactly good parenting, but unless he is being specifically negligent, again I don't see this as imminently dangerous.  There are many "checked out" parents out there, who let their kids cause trouble while they play on their phones.  But most of these parents will take action when the child is in real immediate danger.  
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« Reply #24 on: June 24, 2015, 06:32:09 PM »

My feeling is that the coach is reading something else into this based upon her personal experience.  You said "sex addict" not "pedophile" or "registered sex offender".  There are TONS of sex addicts out there, but that doesn't mean they are dangerous to kids.  And being "checked out"... . again, not exactly good parenting, but unless he is being specifically negligent, again I don't see this as imminently dangerous.  There are many "checked out" parents out there, who let their kids cause trouble while they play on their phones.  But most of these parents will take action when the child is in real immediate danger.  

I have even questioned my kids further about being with dad when I am at work. I am going to double check everything and make sure that I have dotted all of my i's and crossed all of my t's. And, it is always useful to review safety stuff with kids.

When she was questioning me, she asked, "How demanding is he?"

Me: He isn't demanding at all. He doesn't demand anything from me.

Her:  How would you say he treats you and the kids?

Me: Pretty good.

The whole friggin' conversation was this series of questions that she fired off and they all seemed to be pointing to the same blasted thing. She made up her made that I am a poor little abuse victim that needs to be waken up.
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« Reply #25 on: June 24, 2015, 06:43:19 PM »

Excerpt
The one exception is if they see I am in some kind of real danger, either from her or to myself, or if a child is in some kind of danger, the T is required by law to report it.  I've had to sign releases stating as such.  

There is no requirement for a mandated reporter to reveal or report spousal abuse. Adults get to mistreat each other if they choose.  They can choose to call the police if they want to, also.  But a therapist can't break confidentiality and report spousal abuse. At least not in California.  Child abuse, yes.  But not spousal abuse.

There is nothing I am hearing VOC saying that is reportable child abuse.  Having a parent who watches porn or is a sex addict is not reportable as child abuse, unless she describes abuse... .like he watched porn all weekend and left the kids unattended and unfed... .  That would be reportable... .not b/c of the porn, but b/c the kids were neglected.

Therapists work with spousal abuse all the time.  Spousal abuse is not reportable... .unless a client gives you written permission to report and/or ask for your help to report.  The therapist should continue to manage and assess the situation, and help the client to develop a safety plan if they are willing to do so.  But you cannot break confidentiality.  Almost ALL people in DV are not ready to do anything anywhere near that when first in therapy... .especially early in the therapy session.  This is why it is so hard to do therapy.  You have to live with the reality that there are no easy answers and people have to take their time and decide for themselves what they want to do.

If a client leaves a session saying they are on the way to go kill someone and they identify the person and have means to do it... .that is reportable under Tarasoff.  But just having a client tell you they are being abused at home by their partner or that they are in a DV relationship... that is not reportable.  

If you have reason to believe that spousal abuse is happening in front of minor children... .you may assess and report based on child abuse... .you are not reporting based on spousal abuse.

If a client describes a child or elderly person being abused or neglected, it's reportable.

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« Reply #26 on: June 24, 2015, 06:52:01 PM »

There is nothing I am hearing VOC saying that is reportable child abuse.  Having a parent who watches porn or is a sex addict is not reportable as child abuse, unless she describes abuse... .like he watched porn all weekend and left the kids unattended and unfed... .  That would be reportable... .not b/c of the porn, but b/c the kids were neglected.

I feel like she was trying to push to make a case that I was endangering my children.

In my state, a mandatory reporter has to report anything that might mean a child is danger. Being exposed to sexually explicit materials is considered child endangerment. I did say that he ignores the kids. He ignores me too. Ignoring isn't the same as neglecting. If they are fighting, he says something. If they need food, he helps them. He doesn't let them go outside unless he goes with them.

How many parents ignore loud kids and let them play?

Again, I wouldn't have thought anything of it if she hadn't insisted on asking such questions. She was trying to get me to admit something.

At one point, she said, "you know what you need to do." In the context of the conversation, the implication was that I need to leave him and get my kids away from him as fast as I can. 
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« Reply #27 on: June 24, 2015, 06:53:46 PM »

The principle of pursing the "why are you doing this?" question, and for you to develop clarity and know where your boundaries are so as not to be pushed into JADE is fair enough. Unfortunately this can't be approached with a sledgehammer like this, it breaks the very fragility that needs repairing.

A bit like a kangaroo court.

Has this therapist deal with BPD before? Much of the behavior associated with BPD would be more sinister in someone who otherwise had it together.
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« Reply #28 on: June 24, 2015, 06:57:08 PM »

The principle of pursing the "why are you doing this?" question, and for you to develop clarity and know where your boundaries are so as not to be pushed into JADE is fair enough. Unfortunately this can't be approached with a sledgehammer like this, it breaks the very fragility that needs repairing.

A bit like a kangaroo court.

Has this therapist deal with BPD before? Much of the behavior associated with BPD would be more sinister in someone who otherwise had it together.

This wasn't even a therapist. This was a life coach that specializes in dealing with spouses of sex addicts.
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« Reply #29 on: June 24, 2015, 07:20:26 PM »

The principle of pursing the "why are you doing this?" question, and for you to develop clarity and know where your boundaries are so as not to be pushed into JADE is fair enough. Unfortunately this can't be approached with a sledgehammer like this, it breaks the very fragility that needs repairing.

A bit like a kangaroo court.

Has this therapist deal with BPD before? Much of the behavior associated with BPD would be more sinister in someone who otherwise had it together.

This wasn't even a therapist. This was a life coach that specializes in dealing with spouses of sex addicts.

Not sure you should be seeing a life coach about BPD related issues, its too hard for even many therapists. The BPD aspect of it can't be separated from the sex addiction, it changes the whole motivation aspect
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