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Author Topic: Trying to make sense out of my last coaching session  (Read 871 times)
vortex of confusion
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« Reply #30 on: June 24, 2015, 07:30:17 PM »

Not sure you should be seeing a life coach about BPD related issues, its too hard for even many therapists. The BPD aspect of it can't be separated from the sex addiction, it changes the whole motivation aspect

I realize that now. I wasn't looking for support with BPD type stuff. The focus was supposed to be on ME and helping me heal from the trauma of being with a sex addict. I thought it was going to be about setting goals, figuring out my values, telling my story, being heard, etc. She made it very clear that she was NOT a therapist and that if she thought I should see a therapist or if it was outside of her expertise, she would let me know.

I didn't mention BPD at all and I had no intention of it because I was wanting this to be about me rather than my husband. I realize that it is impossible to separate all of that stuff out. The BPD stuff isn't nearly as troublesome as some of the sex addict stuff was.

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« Reply #31 on: June 24, 2015, 07:40:21 PM »

is she a licensed psychotherapist... .anyone can be a "coach"

her style as described sounds unethical. the point of therapy is to support individual autonomy... .so that you reach your own conclusions. You are not to feel badgered. ever.

it is generally legally and ethically required for a practitioner to go over an informed consent and with you and have you sign it Before you divulge personal information. that means at your first meeting you are advised about mandatory reporting etc.

This is the question that came up for me. What is the qualifications for "coach" versus "therapist"?

I am a certified coach with International Coach Federation credentials. I'm also a registered mediator in my state. I KNOW MY LIMITS. Part of my training has been recognizing the difference between coaching and therapy, and between mediation and coaching.

One premise of coaching is that we are working with someone who is in a functional situation and want a to be better. Otherwise, a coach should refer to a credentialed therapist.
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vortex of confusion
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« Reply #32 on: June 24, 2015, 08:50:48 PM »

I am a certified coach with International Coach Federation credentials. I'm also a registered mediator in my state. I KNOW MY LIMITS. Part of my training has been recognizing the difference between coaching and therapy, and between mediation and coaching.

One premise of coaching is that we are working with someone who is in a functional situation and want a to be better. Otherwise, a coach should refer to a credentialed therapist.

I guess that is where my confusion is. If she thought there was abuse or that the situation was unworkable, then she should have told me that she was unable to help me and that I needed a therapist. I would have been bothered by that a little but I would have respected that a heck of a lot more than what she did.

As a coach, would you have said those sorts of things to a client?
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« Reply #33 on: June 25, 2015, 10:27:34 AM »

Excerpt
I have been working with a trauma coach

Generally coaching takes a high functioning person in a high functioning situation who is not complaining of illness or any serious, deep life problems... .

and the coach helps them to reach mutually identified  goals.  Like increasing a persons income, taking their company to the next level, giving them support to use assertiveness skills, time management skills, communication skills, balancing life/work etc.

The words trauma and coach... .to me, make no sense.   Trauma is so very complex, I just don't see how a "coach" could possibly be working in the field of trauma.  

I work with DV counselors.  They support DV victims but they refer to the licensed therapist as soon as anything is going on that feels outside their area of expertise... .the person can't stop crying, is suicidal, anxious,  the person has an ongoing DV r/s,  the person has trauma symptoms etc.  They are still gentle, they listen and do not badger a person to leave a partner.  They support the person in what they want to do... .while providing education about the cycle of abuse, and help with restraining orders and safety plans if the client wants that kind of help.  In my community DV counselors are available to the community for free,  as are sexual assault counselors. There is no cost.  The referrals to the licensed therapist are free, too.  It's a non profit community center in a rural area.  Many communities have these services.
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vortex of confusion
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« Reply #34 on: June 25, 2015, 12:19:03 PM »

and the coach helps them to reach mutually identified  goals.  Like increasing a persons income, taking their company to the next level, giving them support to use assertiveness skills, time management skills, communication skills, balancing life/work etc.

I thought that is where we were trying to go with things. My goal is to stay with my husband but figure out how to take better care of myself. I think I told her at one point that I want to get out more and do more stuff but that I lack the motivation and I need help getting motivated. I tried to share that I feel like a lot of progress has been made.

I will admit that I was probably pretty negative and it seemed like a lot of conversations ended up being about my husband and my frustrations. At the time, I didn't really think anything of it. I was expecting her to direct the conversation and help me try to make sense of stuff so that I could set realistic goals like go for a walk once a week or something like that. Everything was all vague and I did offer excuses about why I couldn't do this or that. It was simple stuff like why I have a difficult time going out for a walk.

Excerpt
The words trauma and coach... .to me, make no sense.   Trauma is so very complex, I just don't see how a "coach" could possibly be working in the field of trauma.

I see that now. At the time, I was thinking that I wanted to work with somebody to help me keep moving forward. I have made a lot of progress on my own but really wanted somebody to push me to keep going in a more positive direction. What I ended up doing was going down a rabbit hole of negativity. She kept telling me that I am not feeling my feelings and that I will do just about anything to keep my feelings at bay. I feel like she may have been deliberately trying to upset me because I came across as so matter of fact and emotionless in talking about some really difficult topics. I have talked about some of this stuff on these forums and with close friends so much that I can talk about them without being all emotional and stuff.

Excerpt
I work with DV counselors.  They support DV victims but they refer to the licensed therapist as soon as anything is going on that feels outside their area of expertise... .the person can't stop crying, is suicidal, anxious,  the person has an ongoing DV r/s,  the person has trauma symptoms etc.  They are still gentle, they listen and do not badger a person to leave a partner.  They support the person in what they want to do... .while providing education about the cycle of abuse, and help with restraining orders and safety plans if the client wants that kind of help.  In my community DV counselors are available to the community for free,  as are sexual assault counselors. There is no cost.  The referrals to the licensed therapist are free, too.  It's a non profit community center in a rural area.  Many communities have these services.

I know where the women's center is in my area. I know people that have used their services. They have a thrift store that I shop at whenever I get the chance. I know that resource is available and I have carefully considered my situation to determine if I was in a DV situation. I have never felt that my situation was one that involved DV. Yes, some things would qualify as abuse. Yes, there have been some very difficult situations. I have been able to navigate things and stand up for myself and worked to change things. Change has been slow and frustrating. At no point did I feel that I was in danger or in need of assistance from the women's center. It is on my list of resources to use IF the situation ever deteriorates to that point.

At no point did the coach tell me about the women's center. At no point did she ever suggest that she could not work with me because my problems were outside of her expertise. She said that I should consider doing therapy in conjunction with working with her. At no point did she tell me that anything I was going through was outside of what she could handle.

I have been going through the situation in my head and seeing all of the things that should have been red flags to let me know that this was probably not a good fit for me.

I am still trying to figure out a situation where it would be appropriate to tell somebody, "I see a woman that is being physically, emotionally, and sexually abused and is in deep denial." If she truly thought that, then she should have referred me to the women's center or given me some kind of resources. Instead, she throws all of that out there at me and ends the call with, "Now what are you going to do to take care of yourself for the rest of the day?"
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« Reply #35 on: June 25, 2015, 12:44:23 PM »

Instead, she throws all of that out there at me and ends the call with, "Now what are you going to do to take care of yourself for the rest of the day?"

My response, "I'm going to hang up on you."

She sounds dreadful to communicate with.

My first exposure to this business of "coaching" is that horrible, vindictive lady Shari Schieber (not sure of the spelling).

I'm sure there are life coaches out there that are not bullies, but this lady you've been working with sounds every bit a bully.

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« Reply #36 on: June 25, 2015, 01:25:06 PM »

My response, "I'm going to hang up on you."

Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) By the end of the call, I was a crying ball of goo. I didn't even really know how to respond to that.

Excerpt
She sounds dreadful to communicate with.

I don't want to go down the rabbit hole of trying to paint her black. During our first four sessions, she was very easy to talk to. Actually, she kind of let me ramble and would have a few questions here and there. In hind sight, that should have been a red flag. I think she was trying to get to know me and figure out my situation. I think the problem is that dealing with me was something that was way outside of her area of expertise. I think her biggest mistake was trying to tackle something as complicated as my situation. I was hoping to find some motivation and try to go from surviving to thriving. I feel like the worst stuff has passed and now I am moving forward.

I get the impression that her training as a trauma coach for spouses of sex addicts might involve pushing the partner to leave. If that was the emphasis of her training or if she is relatively new and zealous, then it makes perfect sense that she would try to push stuff like that. She wasn't a dreadful person to communicate with at any point during any of the sessions until this last one. When I told her that I would no longer be using her services, she didn't say anything other than she understood how difficult our session was and that if I ever wanted to use her services again to send her an email. It was all quite amicable.

After the call, I was reeling from what she said because it does not align with MY reality and it does not align with my idea of what I thought should happen. I don't want to assassinate her character or anything like that. I would much rather chalk this up to lack of experiences, training, and professionalism. And, she wasn't a good fit for me. If my goal had been to leave my husband and throw him under the bus, then she would have been a perfect fit.
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« Reply #37 on: June 25, 2015, 03:25:34 PM »

Excerpt
I think her biggest mistake was trying to tackle something as complicated as my situation.

Agreed.  I suspect she is well-meaning, but she is just not well trained.

Also…many women seek help from a DV counselor…even though they don’t think they re really in a DV r/s.  In the DV cases I’ve worked with, which has been tons…almost ALWAYS there is a high-conflict kind of relationship going with either mental health or addiction issues (or both) at play. 
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« Reply #38 on: June 25, 2015, 06:36:32 PM »

Also…many women seek help from a DV counselor…even though they don’t think they re really in a DV r/s.  In the DV cases I’ve worked with, which has been tons…almost ALWAYS there is a high-conflict kind of relationship going with either mental health or addiction issues (or both) at play. 

I think the conflict between my husband and I is almost gone. Most of the conflict now is within myself. Now that things have gotten better between my husband and I, I want to keep that momentum going.

Some of the things that were said bothered the crap out of me and made me mad but they were a bit of a reality check. I find myself asking these questions:

-What kind of picture was I painting for her to make those kinds of assumptions and ask those kinds of questions? I know I was pretty negative about my husband but I didn't think I was that negative. Definitely worth doing a self check.

-Was I presenting myself like that to her? If so, why? I am NOT a victim or a fading flower. I can and have stood up for myself on numerous occasions. If I can't figure out how to do things the right way, I am going to flounder around and screw stuff up until I get it right.

-Is my husband really a sex addict? Yeah, he has done some crappy things but he isn't what I would consider a depraved individual. He went 10 years without doing anything at all that even remotely resembled sex addiction.

I am thinking about starting another thread but I want to figure out which of these things I want to discuss or maybe find a way to discuss them all at once. I think it is definitely worth using it as an opportunity to do a bit of self checking.
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« Reply #39 on: June 25, 2015, 06:48:03 PM »

I am a certified coach with International Coach Federation credentials. I'm also a registered mediator in my state. I KNOW MY LIMITS. Part of my training has been recognizing the difference between coaching and therapy, and between mediation and coaching.

One premise of coaching is that we are working with someone who is in a functional situation and want a to be better. Otherwise, a coach should refer to a credentialed therapist.

I guess that is where my confusion is. If she thought there was abuse or that the situation was unworkable, then she should have told me that she was unable to help me and that I needed a therapist. I would have been bothered by that a little but I would have respected that a heck of a lot more than what she did.

As a coach, would you have said those sorts of things to a client?

Absolutely not. Coaches usually have an area of specialization. Mine is Executive and Organizational Coaching, and my mediation work is workplace related. But the coaching model I use, and that most of my colleagues use, is question based and non-confrontational yet meant to provoke thought and insight.

This coach was way out of line.
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« Reply #40 on: June 26, 2015, 12:24:36 AM »

Quote from: vortex of confusion link=topic=278957.msg12639782#msg12639782
 

I am thinking about starting another thread but I want to figure out which of these things I want to discuss or maybe find a way to discuss them all at once. I think it is definitely worth using it as an opportunity to do a bit of self checking.

That is a good idea. Keeping a reality check on how we present as a victim when that is not how we view our reality, then we are triggered when people respond by treating us like victims (invalidation). This is all tied into venting traits, which deviates us from being centered at times.

It is one of the reasons when I post with a bit of a vent i like to try to finish off with a lift or a proposal to move forward, so as not to get sucked into negativity
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« Reply #41 on: June 26, 2015, 01:16:29 PM »

Venting, and lots of word and lots of content... .is usually an indication of underlying anxiety.  Internal conflict is anxiety producing. 

Almost everyone comes to therapy with some anxiety and a sense of urgency to get the story out.

A good intervention would have been to keep providing reflective listening and keep focusing on establishing a felt sense of trust and a therapeutic alliance.  She doesn't know you all that well yet, building a therapeutic r/s  takes time.  She should help identify and leverage your obvious strengths even while you are venting... .so that you are more and more 'resourced' as she reflects back to you the strengths and skills you already posses (no one survives what you have been through without formidable resources and a lot of strengths).   And to do some guided imagery or really good breathing or grounding exercises with you to slow down and start managing anxiety.  These would have been really helpful and appropriate interventions for the beginning stages of therapy.

The coach got attached to the content of the presenting "vent". 

The coach responded with a very invalidating and confrontational intervention based on the presenting story.   

Again, just unskilled counseling, therapy, coaching... .

Excerpt
Most of the conflict now is within myself.

 

Bingo.

You deserve to work with a good coach/counselor/therapist.

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« Reply #42 on: June 30, 2015, 03:39:16 PM »

Update. . .

She reported me to CPS!

Started a thread on the legal board: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=279241.new#new
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« Reply #43 on: June 30, 2015, 04:05:27 PM »

Yikes! I'm so sorry, Vortex.   
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« Reply #44 on: July 01, 2015, 08:50:19 AM »

Vortex, how are you doing? What's going on?    From the other thread, it sounds like the interview with CPS went well. Any news?
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« Reply #45 on: July 01, 2015, 09:32:35 AM »

Vortex, how are you doing? What's going on?    From the other thread, it sounds like the interview with CPS went well. Any news?

I am fine. The interview went well I think.

He said it would take 30-45 days to close the case.
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