Living with BPD spouse

[Frankaz]

I have been married for almost ten years and the entire time has been a struggle. I have contemplated divorce numerous times, but I am still here. I have been berated, accused, manipulated, and controlled. I finally reached the end of my rope a few months ago and retained a lawyer. My struggle has been deciding what to do  because I love my husband and the times when he is not allowing his BPD traits manifest he is wonderfully fun to be around.

I find myself struggling with being a push over, raging back, or detaching. I am not really sure how to deal with him.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[vortex of confusion]

 

 

Welcome to the forums!

If you really want to stay with him, start reading up on the lessons and try to get a grip on this stuff. It isn't easy to do. And, it can be very confusing and very frustrating.

You can find the lessons down the right side.

[waverider]

It can be very overwhelming, whatever you do back fires.

One of the things you will learn is that often to protect yourself the best method is not being drawn into defending yourself. Sounds strange, but not being drawn into conflict you can't win is the first step towards not taking emotional hits.

Waverider

[Smileypants]

This is the place I am in as well.  I have been with my BPD husband for almost ten years.  I am at the point where I am constantly on the defensive and don't give him anything of my thoughts or feelings.  Its very lonely.  We used to have fun sometimes, but so many more bad times.  The good never outweighed the bad. The verbal abuse, the accusations, the threats, the mind games just are to much for me now.  I haven't been happy for a long time, I was just caught up in trying to please him and keep things relatively stable to notice. Everyday I contemplate talking to my lawyer.  It is pretty complicated though.  I have my own children, he has children, we have one child together and one on the way.    Then I am stuck helping him deal with his legal issues concerning with his ex (who is in herself a piece of work).  Two of his kids live with us, one lives with their mother.  If I didn't do the court papers they wouldn't get done.  Just like school paperwork, doctor paperwork, etc.

He works and pays most of the bills right now but for most of our relationship, I did.  He controls who can watch our daughter making it hard to work.  He can't handle watching the kids for more than an hour and I don't feel its safe to have him watch them.  The house is mine, I inherited it & my lawyer said he doesn't have any right to it. I think it would be happier and my kids would be happier if he wasn't here.  But then I have to worry about the kids we have together if he had parenting time.  At least I can be there to protect my kids from him if he stays.

I have gotten to the point that when he baits me I am just silent, then he says "see silence, because you know I'm right" or if I walk away he says " walk away coward".

I feel stuck and miserable.  I am sorry I can't help you with this, I need help with this myself.  

But here's a  .  I wish you the best.

[waverider]

There is even a skill to not reacting so that you aren't actually bottling up emotional damage.

It took a long time to get where you are at. It will also take a long time to get out of that place.

There is a lot learn and to be proud of on the journey

[LilMe]

Frankaz-

Welcome!  You can make the situation better - the lessons to the right on this page ----> really do help.  I thought it was hopeless, but with lots of hard work it is finally starting to pay off.  The rages and disregulation are much less often now and I am a stronger, wiser person.

Smileypants-

I am in a similar situation.  My 6 and 7 year old do not want to be alone with my uBPDh and I do not have any money for a legal battle, so I choose to stay and work on things from my end.  The lessons to the right on this page ------> take a while to learn after much practice, trial, and error, but can make life so much better!  I can only change me and my reactions and in the end it benefits us all.  I just have to take it one day at a time and know that some days will be better than others.  But there are more better days now.  

The hardest part, for me, is detachment.  I am starting to get better at it, and it seems to be the key.  I feel like I am married to two men.  I can't take personally what the evil one says or does.  Yes, it still hurts!  But I am slowly getting better able to detach and know that it is the BPD talking.  It also helps me to think of it as similar to being married to a person with cancer or illness.

Hang in there and try to focus on you!  Be healthy for your baby and try to enjoy what you can and not focus on the bad.  ((HUG))