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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Author Topic: Biggest Regret?  (Read 3390 times)
Beach_Babe
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« on: June 25, 2015, 03:09:45 AM »

What was your biggest regret coming from this relationship? For me it was hanging around longer than I should have. There never should have been 6 airline tickets. I should have left him after the second failed trip attempt.  My fault. Never again.

What are your regrets?
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Trog
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« Reply #1 on: June 25, 2015, 06:54:49 AM »

Not having the atrength of character to not get involved in the first place.

Of course not getting out sooner and the biggest mistake of all getting married when every fibre of my body was telling me not too.

However, it's all done now. I regret taking her so seriously and running around making such efforts to keep her level when she was just blowing smoke up my ass. Being so easily manipulated by her. Constantly choosing the path of least resistance so that we always ended up with her friends and family and not mine.

I don't regret it happened though. I needed to become a more individuated person and learn about who I was, if I hadn't been pounded to dust in this way, I could never have re-emerged stronger with a better sense of self and boundaries

I am really ENJOYING finding out who I am. More than I enjoyed being with her. I surprise and delight myself every day! Smiling (click to insert in post) that is the gift of BPD. You learn to take care of yourself in every way, to love yourself and be comfortable in your own company. I never was before. Everything made me anxious and nervous - now, nothing and no one bothers me.
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« Reply #2 on: June 25, 2015, 07:19:24 AM »

Not listening to my gut ... .I knew 4 years ago and I ignored it.  If I could do it all over again, I would have remained friends (or tried) and not been romantically involved.  Live and learn. 
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Beach_Babe
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« Reply #3 on: June 25, 2015, 07:59:42 AM »

Trog: Awesome reply.

. I needed to become a more individuated person and learn about who I was, if I hadn't been pounded to dust in this way, I could never have re-emerged stronger with a better sense of self and boundaries

What made you stop regretting HER tho Trog?


Where to begin:  do you think she was triggered taking things to the next level? Things Def went to heck after my ex and I slept together. Ruined a fantastic friendship. I kick myself everyday.
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Aussie0zborn
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« Reply #4 on: June 25, 2015, 08:14:06 AM »

My posts here are already too long so I wont bore you with a list of "biggest regrets" - there just isn't enough room here for them. I'm kind of fearful that I might already be a contender for the record of giving the longest answer to the shortest question.
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fromheeltoheal
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« Reply #5 on: June 25, 2015, 08:14:19 AM »

Trog: Awesome reply.

. I needed to become a more individuated person and learn about who I was, if I hadn't been pounded to dust in this way, I could never have re-emerged stronger with a better sense of self and boundaries

What made you stop regretting HER tho Trog?


Where to begin:  do you think she was triggered taking things to the next level? Things Def went to heck after my ex and I slept together. Ruined a fantastic friendship. I kick myself everyday.

Trog is further down the path of detachment Beach, he's shifted his focus to him, it's not about her anymore.  Are you headed in that direction?
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fromheeltoheal
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« Reply #6 on: June 25, 2015, 08:16:04 AM »

My posts here are already too long so I wont bore you with a list of "biggest regrets" - there just isn't enough room here for them. I'm kind of fearful that I might already be a contender for the record of giving the longest answer to the shortest question.

If it helps Aussie, let fly.  And there are a lot of people reading these posts who don't post anything themselves; who knows who you might help!
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Heartbroken Eagle
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« Reply #7 on: June 25, 2015, 08:17:57 AM »

Staying in a relationship much longer than I should have done mainly because we had a young son together and being afraid of leaving. I knew deep down that this was not a normal relationship, but I allowed my ex to treat me like a doormat and eventually cheated and humiliated me.

I will never tolerate such treatment from anyone again.

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Sosoconfused

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« Reply #8 on: June 25, 2015, 09:40:51 AM »

My biggest regret is letting her back into my life. When she moved to France I basically blocked her from all aspects of my life. I was having fun and meeting new people and then she liked a photo of mine on Instagram; stupid 'ol me liked one of hers back which opened the gate for communication. She flew back here twice then moved into my place. I wasted a year on this crazy rollercoaster.

Never again am I dating someone with a mental illness. I am so glad she is out of my life.

If anyone on this board needs someone to talk to about dating someone with BPD and how to get over it quickly it is to just block them. Block the crazy, you don't need someone that manipulative and bat ___ crazy in your life.
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NonBPDEx
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« Reply #9 on: June 25, 2015, 09:49:33 AM »

They way I feel today, I regret that I broke it off. At least that is what my heart is telling me. It seems to have the power over my head at the present time.

I regret that I did not dig into what she was trying to tell me. She told me on numerous occasions that I was not really hearing her.

I think she was trying to tell me about her disorder so that I would be better able to deal with her. I had never heard of BPD before, but she told me she had:

- separation anxiety

- depression

- that she was 'broken'

- that her mother abandoned her emotionally as a child, and use to 'punish her' by withdrawing

- that I should not react when she gets dark

- that she needed me to look after her

- that there we many things she was protecting me from

- that menopause might be making things more difficult for her

She was on meds, and was seeing a therapist. I am certain she new she is BPD, but did not want to tell me the exact prognosis because of the stigma around it (would you tell someone that you have disorder that often leads to you leaving people, especially when you have abandonment issues?).

However, if she had told me, I probably would have not just left, but have learned about the disorder and tried to work with it. Hence one of my other posts wondering if they always leave.

So I regret not listening closer to what she was trying to tell me.
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Beach_Babe
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« Reply #10 on: June 25, 2015, 10:02:28 AM »

Aussie: Please do ! I enjoy reading your posts and gain much insight from them =)

Fromheeltoheel: hopefully I am headed that way.  I know logically  I could contact him at any time; I do not, though because something is stopping me. Every recycle involved me running after him. I apologized, pleaded and groveled. I got none of tbe same; just more raging, silent treatment, and humiliation.  I think after a while I just collapsed. So, maybe I AM making myself a victim here. No one is stopping me from making contact but me.

Heartbrokeneagle: these situations are so hard when  kids are involved How is he doing?

Sosoconfused: and that's what I am also afraid of. Going through all this, then two years later he tries to waltz back in. Whatever happened with your situation?  :)id she end up moving back to France?

NonBPDex: you did not know about the disorder, it's not your fault! Everyone has a limit, we're you perhaps pushed to yours?
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« Reply #11 on: June 25, 2015, 10:52:20 AM »

I regret not getting out when I had the chance, ignoring red flags, and not confronting her early on about a lie I'm pretty sure she told. 

I tried to end the friendship pretty early on for personal reasons, but I changed my mind because we worked together and would see each other every day and because I don't have a large social circle and was enjoying having a best friend for the first time in a long time. 

A month later, she told me to run away because she would only hurt me in the end and said, "You should have gotten out when you had the chance a month ago."  She was going through a bout of depression at the time, so my white knight complex kicked in, and I wrote her this long e-mail about how much I valued our friendship. 

I was annoyed at her canceling plans about a month into our friendship and was pretty sure she had lied about why she was canceling because she had tried to change the plans two days prior, without giving me a reason why.  I chalked it up to immaturity (she is seven years younger than me and recently graduated college) and only ever brought it up once, months later, but she quickly changed the subject and just said, "Yeah, I don't remember why I needed to change those plans."  If I had confronted her sooner and called her out on her lie, she probably would have gotten angry and backed away from trying to be friends with me because I had figured her out. 

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So when will this end it goes on and on/Over and over and over again/Keep spinning around I know that it won't stop/Till I step down from this for good - Lifehouse "Sick Cycle Carousel"
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« Reply #12 on: June 25, 2015, 12:53:31 PM »

Not cheating

Not screwing her over after the BU

Not getting my pound of flesh tbh

Taking her c%%p during and after the BU

Treating her as a friend and serious partner when it was clear she was no such thing just a human cancer and parasite
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goateeki
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« Reply #13 on: June 25, 2015, 01:04:29 PM »

Not cheating

Not screwing her over after the BU

Not getting my pound of flesh tbh

Taking her c%%p during and after the BU

Treating her as a friend and serious partner when it was clear she was no such thing just a human cancer and parasite

I can understand this.  Sometimes I think that people place a premium on being friends as if doing that makes them a better and more magnanimous person, but honestly I think that doing that (being friends) tends to warp one's definition of friendship.  I could never be friends with my ex.  I have friendships with people I admire.  She is a weak, sad, manipulative and callous person.  I avoid these people as widely as possible.

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DyingLove
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« Reply #14 on: June 25, 2015, 01:10:30 PM »

What was your biggest regret coming from this relationship? For me it was hanging around longer than I should have. There never should have been 6 airline tickets. I should have left him after the second failed trip attempt.  My fault. Never again.

What are your regrets?

Sorry you went thru so much "ruckus" with your ex.  It's all a learning experience and it just keeps on coming!  But I feel that eventually it all goes BYE BYE.  Takes time though.
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HopefulDad
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« Reply #15 on: June 25, 2015, 01:17:38 PM »

I agree with Trog regarding my role... .I saw signs, I knew something was not right, but I willfully chose to ignore them out of my own ignorance and rationalizations ("Oh, she just gets moody.".

I also agree with Trog that I don't regret the learning about myself and the transformation I've made, particularly regarding boundaries and regaining my sense of self.  I also don't regret that these hard lessons have steered me towards using tools like S.E.T. and validation that work wonders with my oldest daughter.
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rotiroti
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« Reply #16 on: June 25, 2015, 01:30:21 PM »



- That I ignored the red flags and didn't trust my 'gut' that something was not right. She was a long time friend (10+years) who always had giant red flags. Didn't stop me from destroying my values and self-esteem for the past year to get in bed with my 'soulmate'

- That i isolated myself from those who really loved and supported me. My family warned me, but supported me 100% for moving in with her. I'm so ashamed
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Sosoconfused

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« Reply #17 on: June 25, 2015, 02:32:55 PM »

Sosoconfused: and that's what I am also afraid of. Going through all this, then two years later he tries to waltz back in. Whatever happened with your situation?  :)id she end up moving back to France?

A week after we broke up she married someone from France; he flew here and married her. She tried to keep it a secret and hide all of the activity from me on social media. I admit, I snooped on her best friends Instagram and saw the picture.

The weird thing is, she texted me, "I love you so much! One day we will be together and own two dogs and have picnics like we always wanted." She texted me that 2 weeks after we broke up, meaning that she was already married at this time and I didn't know. A week after this text i snooped.

I hope she is in France and I never have to see her again. Already blocked her on every outlet. I call her Voldemort now.
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goateeki
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« Reply #18 on: June 25, 2015, 02:53:03 PM »


Love it.
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rotiroti
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« Reply #19 on: June 25, 2015, 02:55:20 PM »

Sosoconfused: and that's what I am also afraid of. Going through all this, then two years later he tries to waltz back in. Whatever happened with your situation?  :)id she end up moving back to France?

I call her Voldemort now.

Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

I've been following your story here SSC, man you dodged that A-bomb for sure!
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hibye

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« Reply #20 on: June 25, 2015, 02:59:18 PM »

I had the same thoughts like all of you guys but these thoughts actually block me from forgiving-forgetting. I try to see it in a different perspective whether it is true or not.

I was giving time and help to a person who i loved that had a serious illness. Abandoning her and saying i am too good for you... fix your problems is not a sign of a powerful character. I tried as much as i could to help this person but eventually i could not. I am not a therapist but a guy who loved. Maybe i am a co-dependent and that may sound as my weakness but i don't see it this way. A big heart and a strong character may sacrifise some of its own happiness in order to help a weak (mentally ill) person. But not for life if the other person is not able to accept its issues.

If i am angry at her i am blaming actually myself and my self-esteem. Feeling sorry for them makes it a lot easier to move on.

They know they have issues, they just cover them temporarily by rebouncing to the next victim. They will never be happy and they didn't choose to become "monsters". It's their childhood trauma that defines them.
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NonBPDEx
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« Reply #21 on: June 25, 2015, 04:40:57 PM »

They know they have issues, they just cover them temporarily by rebounding to the next victim. They will never be happy and they didn't choose to become "monsters". It's their childhood trauma that defines them.

I never thought of my exBPDgf as a monster. Emotionally damaged, overly needy and insecure, unable to control herself at times, and focused on herself too much - yes.

However, for all the bad things she did, I can name a dozen nice things she did.

And she new of her condition well, and fought against it. More than once she said of our relationship: "I am not going to screw this up! I am not going to screw this up!".

She tried very, very hard.
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leftconfused
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« Reply #22 on: June 25, 2015, 05:01:04 PM »

I regret absolutely nothing.  I am a strong believer in everything happens for a reason.  This experience has brought to light my own childhood traumas that I have buried for so long.  Now I can recognize my own issues and work on them.  Also it made me realize that my daughters therapist suggested she had BPD a few years ago and it didn't register at the time.  Now with all the research I have done I feel better equipped to communicate with her and our relationship is stronger than ever.

Also, I know I will never again ignore red flags.  So this experience may have very well saved me from an even more detrimental one down the line.  

Sure it still hurts and has been one of the most traumatizing events of my life, but would I take it back?  NEVER
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hergestridge
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« Reply #23 on: June 25, 2015, 05:03:57 PM »

Staying in a relationship much longer than I should have done mainly because we had a young son together and being afraid of leaving. I knew deep down that this was not a normal relationship, but I allowed my ex to treat me like a doormat and eventually cheated and humiliated me.

I will never tolerate such treatment from anyone again.

Well... .this exactly!

Only thing I would add now is that I admire myself for what I accomplished under those circumstances. I fought back when I was diminished and projected on, did all I could to keep my dignity and grow as a person while living in non functional relationship.

I can think of it as regret now, but I still have a hard time visualizing how things could have turned out different. If I hadn't put her on that pedestal than perhaps I could have left her at some point, but it wasn't like that for me. It was for life. Simple as that. You work things out.
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hergestridge
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« Reply #24 on: June 25, 2015, 05:22:47 PM »

If i am angry at her i am blaming actually myself and my self-esteem. Feeling sorry for them makes it a lot easier to move on.

They know they have issues, they just cover them temporarily by rebouncing to the next victim. They will never be happy and they didn't choose to become "monsters". It's their childhood trauma that defines them.

This works best if you have the opportunity to litteraly leave the person in question behind. If you are stuck in the situation where you have with your BPD ex for years to come on a regular basis, pity or even understanding are questionable tools simply because if you express any of it even the slightest the pwBPD will latch on to this and feed on it in any direction ("I am not ill!" or "It's not my fault! I'm ill!" depending on the situation or mood.

When you have the luxury to wave bye-bye to your pwBPD then you it's easier to empathize and it will perhaps give you peace of mind. Face to face this will lead you nowhere, because you are constantly reminded what it was to live with someone who only expresses his/her own needs without empathy.

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UserName69
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« Reply #25 on: June 25, 2015, 06:56:16 PM »

Good question. Thanks to my exBPD I have started a couple hobbies I really enjoy, thanks to my exBPD I have met my current girlfriend (I met her once in a bar when we broke up for a long period). I have lost nothing at all, we had a bad relationship, in the beginning I was very confused later the new girl told me about BPD and I found this forum. Everything has a reason why it happens, my exBPD is a horrible person the entire rs was a nightmare but later I have found a better person to have a rs with. Only the idea that my current gf is a nonBPD makes me happy meanwhile my exBPD will never experience real love.

What happened has happened, I'm in a better position then I was when I was with her. I have totally no regrets. A great friend of my who passed a couple years ago told me once that hate poisons your soul. Yesterday my girlfriend was reading a religious book about forgiveness and she sends me a couple quotes via WhatsApp. At that moment I really thought about my friend who passed away, and I really told myself what would he do if he was in my situation?

I don't love her but I don't hate her either, I just have no respect for her and I don't ever want to see her anymore. I used to hate her a lot but now I have realized that hating her is just a waste of energy. I'm over her, I have a great gf now, why should I even hate my exBPD she isn't worth it. Hating her made things easy but I think at one point you're going to forget about your exBPD and move on by starting an another rs with a nonBPD. So I have no regrets at all.
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fromheeltoheal
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« Reply #26 on: June 25, 2015, 07:23:11 PM »

Fromheeltoheel: hopefully I am headed that way.  I know logically  I could contact him at any time; I do not, though because something is stopping me. Every recycle involved me running after him. I apologized, pleaded and groveled. I got none of tbe same; just more raging, silent treatment, and humiliation.  I think after a while I just collapsed. So, maybe I AM making myself a victim here. No one is stopping me from making contact but me.

Maybe that "something" is running after someone who rages, gives you the silent treatment and humiliates you, and apologizing, pleading and groveling to him isn't anywhere near a healthy relationship and you know that, so it's stopping you?  And the longer you stay away the more you'll want to stay gone and start focusing on you and your bright future?
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Sunfl0wer
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« Reply #27 on: June 25, 2015, 07:41:35 PM »

Not being able to see the burden his presence had on my son... .until ex was gone... .  Then my son was relieved of much anxiety... .to my son's own surprise as well.
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« Reply #28 on: June 25, 2015, 07:44:37 PM »

I regret absolutely nothing.  I am a strong believer in everything happens for a reason.  This experience has brought to light my own childhood traumas that I have buried for so long.  Now I can recognize my own issues and work on them.  Also it made me realize that my daughters therapist suggested she had BPD a few years ago and it didn't register at the time.  Now with all the research I have done I feel better equipped to communicate with her and our relationship is stronger than ever.

Also, I know I will never again ignore red flags.  So this experience may have very well saved me from an even more detrimental one down the line.  

Sure it still hurts and has been one of the most traumatizing events of my life, but would I take it back?  NEVER

Would it be safe to say this experience was a gift?

Hating her made things easy

Didn't it? Anger is easy, was the go to emotion for me too at first... .experiencing the pain, grieving till you get to the other side of grief... .takes courage.

So, maybe I AM making myself a victim here. No one is stopping me from making contact but me.

Stopping yourself from contacting someone who is unhealthy for you is an example of self control and taking care of your self.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Have you had a chance to read this Beach_Babe?




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“Consider how hard it is to change yourself and you'll understand what little chance you have in trying to change others.” ~Jacob M. Braude
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« Reply #29 on: June 25, 2015, 07:48:51 PM »

Awesome survivor to thrives chart! Thanks!  I think I'll print it and keep it on the inside of my planner book! :D
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« Reply #30 on: June 25, 2015, 07:56:37 PM »

Didn't it? Anger is easy, was the go to emotion for me too at first... .experiencing the pain, grieving till you get to the other side of grief... .takes courage.

The more I thought about her the more I hated her and even felt more anger. I think she triggered these emotions when she treated me very bad by ignoring me, push/pull behavior. What even make me angrier is when we still had each other on FB she wanted my attention while she made it clear that she didn't want me. This is what she always did she played with my feelings and she enjoy it till she knew I was dating an another girl. I believe this is the reason why I moved on so quickly and started a new relationship. For me the rs was months over before she dumped me, I had lost all faith in her.
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fromheeltoheal
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« Reply #31 on: June 25, 2015, 08:11:03 PM »

Didn't it? Anger is easy, was the go to emotion for me too at first... .experiencing the pain, grieving till you get to the other side of grief... .takes courage.

The more I thought about her the more I hated her and even felt more anger. I think she triggered these emotions when she treated me very bad by ignoring me, push/pull behavior. What even make me angrier is when we still had each other on FB she wanted my attention while she made it clear that she didn't want me. This is what she always did she played with my feelings and she enjoy it till she knew I was dating an another girl. I believe this is the reason why I moved on so quickly and started a new relationship. For me the rs was months over before she dumped me, I had lost all faith in her.

Yes, and although anger is a natural response to abuse and disrespect, anger is also always a secondary emotion.  Under it is usually hurt, which is a response to lack of love, being unloved, and all the forms that takes.  Did you get beyond and under the anger and feel that and process it User?
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« Reply #32 on: June 25, 2015, 08:14:01 PM »

Aussie: Please do ! I enjoy reading your posts and gain much insight from them =)

Fromheeltoheel: hopefully I am headed that way.  I know logically  I could contact him at any time; I do not, though because something is stopping me. Every recycle involved me running after him. I apologized, pleaded and groveled. I got none of tbe same; just more raging, silent treatment, and humiliation.  I think after a while I just collapsed. So, maybe I AM making myself a victim here. No one is stopping me from making contact but me.

Heartbrokeneagle: these situations are so hard when  kids are involved How is he doing?

Sosoconfused: and that's what I am also afraid of. Going through all this, then two years later he tries to waltz back in. Whatever happened with your situation?  :)id she end up moving back to France?

NonBPDex: you did not know about the disorder, it's not your fault! Everyone has a limit, we're you perhaps pushed to yours?

Hi Beach Babe, thanks for asking about my son.

Unfortunately my son does not like his new Step father very much hence he is not very happy at the moment. He wants to spend every weekend possible with me.

As you could imagine this does not help the relationship I have with his mother. I also feel totally useless in this situation which really hurts... .

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ketch61

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« Reply #33 on: June 25, 2015, 08:35:03 PM »

I regret many things but most of all is i believed she was genuine
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ReclaimingMyLife
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« Reply #34 on: June 25, 2015, 10:23:13 PM »

My biggest regret is that my kids have paid a terrible price.   Were this not the case,  I might genuinely feel that altho I screwed up by ignoring (huge) red flags, I can take the beat-down and learn from it.   I am an adult who made bad adult decisions for which I have paid the price.  That is reasonable.   But what I hate most is that my kids are paying for my mistake.   None of this was their doing.   Yet, they suffer big time.
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« Reply #35 on: June 25, 2015, 10:48:25 PM »

Biggest regret- allowing myself to be hovered back in each time during the  11 break ups in 5 months over the most ridiculous of things like lighting a candle in my OWN home without asking his permission or giving him bottled water and coffee to make the coffee in my kitchen and his taking offense at that as he said he could get them on his own in my kitchen and that he didn't want me to be in my kitchen when he was making coffee there... .

He has BPD and NPD- so another regret is that I allowed myself to be continually disparaged by him with negative comments which didn't much help my already floundering self-esteem.

3 days now NC; finding it a challenge as I still feel love for him but have finally realized (with the help of so many wonderful posts on this forum) that NOTHING will ever CHANGE and that the longer I allow him to keep recycling me, the more damage I am doing to myself.

ppb2la
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greenmonkey
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« Reply #36 on: June 26, 2015, 05:52:22 AM »

I don't have regrets in my life - I made the conscious decisions to be with her, allow myself to be recycled and put up with the abuse whilst we were living together thinking it would get better. It was all my down to me no one else.

I look at it as part of life's learning experience, it is a blip in my life - I have learnt so much from it, and the main one being take notice of red flags don't ignore them.

I also made the same decision to get rid of her and her chaotic life to put myself and my well being first, which was the best decision.

I took up cycling as a destress and now raise money for charity doing long distance rides - which is a positive. My mental health is 1000x better, I am fitter, healthier, slimmer and a much better person for it.

If you live a life full of regrets it is too much negativity thinking about what would have, should have been. I am living my life now, with me and my kids first as it was before I met her.
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UserName69
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« Reply #37 on: June 26, 2015, 08:11:14 PM »

Didn't it? Anger is easy, was the go to emotion for me too at first... .experiencing the pain, grieving till you get to the other side of grief... .takes courage.

The more I thought about her the more I hated her and even felt more anger. I think she triggered these emotions when she treated me very bad by ignoring me, push/pull behavior. What even make me angrier is when we still had each other on FB she wanted my attention while she made it clear that she didn't want me. This is what she always did she played with my feelings and she enjoy it till she knew I was dating an another girl. I believe this is the reason why I moved on so quickly and started a new relationship. For me the rs was months over before she dumped me, I had lost all faith in her.

Yes, and although anger is a natural response to abuse and disrespect, anger is also always a secondary emotion.  Under it is usually hurt, which is a response to lack of love, being unloved, and all the forms that takes.  Did you get beyond and under the anger and feel that and process it User?

Well to be honest we broke up for 14 times in 6 months. She broke my heart way before we broke up for good. In the beginning I was confused, later I was angry. Later when she told me that she was planning her bday party and she didn't invite me I started to hate her a lot. I never felt such hate for someone in my entire life. Driven by hate it was very simple to get over her and date with an another girl. I always told myself there are a lot of single girls I can go with so why should I stick to her?

After spending time with my current gf I started to hate my exBPD less, I don't think about my rs I had with her. I just consider her lost. And I know she's probably sleeping with an another guy and I know that will be an another disaster and the cycle will start again.

So yes in the beginning she did hurt me a lot, but that made hate her, the hate made me move on which led me into a new relationship. I really dont care about her, even if something bad would happen to her I wouldn't care. She's just an evil loser who'll never succeed in life.
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Turkish
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« Reply #38 on: June 26, 2015, 10:01:25 PM »

My regret is that we couldn't make it work for the sake of our children. Notice that I include her in that. It takes two,.and we each played our dysfunctional parts.
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rotiroti
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« Reply #39 on: June 27, 2015, 01:31:37 PM »

I don't have regrets in my life - I made the conscious decisions to be with her, allow myself to be recycled and put up with the abuse whilst we were living together thinking it would get better. It was all my down to me no one else.

I look at it as part of life's learning experience, it is a blip in my life - I have learnt so much from it, and the main one being take notice of red flags don't ignore them.

I also made the same decision to get rid of her and her chaotic life to put myself and my well being first, which was the best decision.

I took up cycling as a destress and now raise money for charity doing long distance rides - which is a positive. My mental health is 1000x better, I am fitter, healthier, slimmer and a much better person for it.

If you live a life full of regrets it is too much negativity thinking about what would have, should have been. I am living my life now, with me and my kids first as it was before I met her.

Powerful. Thank you.
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Tim300
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« Reply #40 on: June 27, 2015, 04:57:03 PM »

What was your biggest regret coming from this relationship? For me it was hanging around longer than I should have. There never should have been 6 airline tickets. I should have left him after the second failed trip attempt.  My fault. Never again.

What are your regrets?

This is a good question.  After a 2.5 year relationship, I can think of various times when I would have done things differently -- like said something differently or acted slightly differently.  However, being that it was a BPD relationship, I genuinely feel that whatever I did or didn't do was irrelevant to the outcome.  Accordingly, my greatest regret is simply having gotten involved at all with a pwBPD. What could I have done differently?  I regret not fully knowing about the concept of BPD.  I consider myself to be a relatively well read person and someone who pursues learning many different subjects, yet until having this experience I really didn't know much about personality disorders and I think I was relatively dismissive that such disorders actually existed.  In this sense, I projected my own "non" way of thinking on to others, assuming that people thought in ways relatively similar to my own thinking.  

I know some outside observers would say that I stuck around for longer than I should have, but I don't regret that.  I was committed to her, the person who I thought was my life partner, and I wanted to stick by her in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health.  I couldn't simply walk away because of some initial poor or confusing behavior.  (With that being said, once BPD is identified as the problem, I firmly believe that one should extricate oneself ASAP.  I hadn't yet identified BPD has the cause of the initial road bumps.)

Going forward I will pay attention to whether a person (be it a prospective friend or prospective romantic partner) has BPD, and I will keep my distance if I strongly suspect it.  I consider myself to be an exceptionally nice and open-minded person, but the reality is that in these situations the best route for all involved can be to keep your distance.  
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