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Author Topic: Realities of staying in a BPD Relationship part 2  (Read 468 times)
CastleofGlass
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« on: June 25, 2015, 12:08:32 PM »

Part 1-https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=278635.0

Excerpt
You are human you are allowed to have any human feeling. You are allowed to take your carers hat off and let it blow out once in a while. That is choice. There is no complete smooth sailing. Educated choice means that you can do this but you will do it with full knowledged it is likely to trigger your partner.  With familiarity with the tools you will be less afraid of those consequences as you will be better equipped to deal with that fall out.

At the end of the day it is a choice. To just complain about the unfairness of the Disorder will not get you anywhere. Being aware of causes and likely effect is empowering in your choices.

It is not about pandering it is about balancing best results of your actions against effort, physically and mentally, and arriving at a balance that you can best deal with.

Any heightened conflict in my relationship now is nearly always because I have escalated and decided to let my frustrations out. My pwBPD is rarely responsible for any anger any more, that is my choice. It is my choice to exert my right to vent my emotions, but I am aware of it and can reign it in and smooth things out pretty quick so no real harm is done. I will not deny my right to my emotions in an attempt to endlessly appease anyone else. That just breeds the resentment you are feeling.

pwBPD are not as fragile as some people believe. Yes they blow up quickly, but often they come back down far quicker than the non. The non often is actually more upset about how long they themselves are affected rather than the immediate reaction of the pwBPD.  eg the pwBPD may have a hissy fi, say some mean things and slam a few doors but the non then broods on it for a few days and ruins their own weekend. Acceptance puts the drama and it's consequences back on the pwBPD, or yourself if it was in fact your doing.

Playing the blame game cements your role as victim, and thats no place to thrive.

I see the point made here and that is your opinion as I had mine. I am stuck in the anger phase right now. I can't seem to move past it. MY opinion is that we cater to this behavior and will continue to do so for the entire marriage. There is no blame game. Again, to be blunt. It is my uBPDw's problem, but the issue is in my house. My children have to deal with it, I have to deal with it, and our family/friends have to deal with it. People can tell me about boundaries all they want, but that doesn't stop the dysregulated crap from happening. That doesn't stop me or my children from hearing the insults that damage self esteem. Sometimes, I really get the feeling the acceptance is just accepting that I met the wrong damn person who I can't even get emotional support from at any time.

"I, ___, take you, ___, for my lawful wife/husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health, until death do us part."

"I, ___, take you, ___, to be my husband/wife. I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love and honor you all the days of my life."

Those are the vows I took. Well, this isn't only said by me. This isn't a marriage. Plain and simple.

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CastleofGlass
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« Reply #1 on: June 25, 2015, 12:12:40 PM »

I apologize if this all seems like a whiny rant. It is. I'm frustrated, I'm angry and I feel cheated not only for me, but for my children. Take them all as my views and not common with everyone else. I stand up for what is right and even more so with others around me. That is my role and always has been. I am the protector. While some would say then "protect you and your children from your wife", I cannot do this in the same manner as I could with a non.

It's a twisted lifestyle in my point of view and while I do love my wife, don't get me wrong, I really do... .I cannot stand my uBPDw. They are 2 people and one needs to go.
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« Reply #2 on: June 25, 2015, 12:28:40 PM »

I apologize if this all seems like a whiny rant. It is. I'm frustrated, I'm angry and I feel cheated not only for me, but for my children. Take them all as my views and not common with everyone else. I stand up for what is right and even more so with others around me. That is my role and always has been. I am the protector. While some would say then "protect you and your children from your wife", I cannot do this in the same manner as I could with a non.

It's a twisted lifestyle in my point of view and while I do love my wife, don't get me wrong, I really do... .I cannot stand my uBPDw. They are 2 people and one needs to go.

You are not mentally ill for feeling this way. You are perfectly justified in feeling this way. I'm sorry that you are in a marriage where only one person is living up to the vows promised on the wedding day.

I know this because I am there, too. I know how that feels.

I cannot accept the notion that because my wife is not living up to her promise to me, I have to leave MY house. I have to leave the everyday lives of my children. I might get them on weekends, or a few days a month, when I fully act out MY decision to leave the lies and deceit that are MY marriage.

I cannot see how to put a positive spin on this . I have to grieve loss either way-

If I stay: grieve the loss that promises were made, and then broken.

If I leave: grieve the loss of my home. Grieve the loss of my marriage.

I do not hate my wife- that would be too easy a way out. The problem is in the amount of LOVE I have for my wife. That is the problem I have with my decision to leave: I LOVE my wife.

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maxsterling
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« Reply #3 on: June 25, 2015, 12:33:07 PM »

Castleofglass - I understand where you are at.  And I think everyone here can relate.  I think your post illustrates my original point - that if we are to commit to staying we must accept some realities, and one of those realities is that frustrating and hurtful behavior from our BPD partner is probably a certainty in our relationships at some point, whether in the past, present, or future.  If we are to commit to staying, it us up to us to accept what is there, and place and enforce appropriate boundaries for where we are comfortable.

I applaud those have reached a point in their r/s where the BPD behavior is no longer hurtful to them, however that point was achieved.  Could be a change in one party, the other, or both.  That takes a ton of work.  My reality is that my wife is unlikely to change much.  I have to accept that and try to find my own place and see if I can work with who she is from my own place.  

I'll be honest here - if my now-wife and I were not living together early in our relationship, I'm 99% sure we would not be together today.  When trouble cropped up early on, her lack of other living options kept me trying to work on things.  And if it wasn't for the fact that she moved into my house, I probably would have done one of those "move out while she is at work and go NC" things.  I have a friend who has a wife who sounds BPD.  He told me the other day that he would not be in the r/s if not for the kids.  He told me that if they never had children, he would have been gone years ago. Is his wife abusive to him?  I don't know.  But I do know she doesn't work, complains all day and night, is addicted to some weird kind of pain drug, and the kids can't stand her.  

My original post was to point out the realities of how I see my situation, but also the realities of what I read on here most often - that some of us have reached a place of happiness or stability with our partners, but that is usually after a long time and a ton of work and frustration, and seems like the exception rather than the rule.  
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CastleofGlass
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« Reply #4 on: June 25, 2015, 12:37:39 PM »

I do not hate my wife- that would be too easy a way out. The problem is in the amount of LOVE I have for my wife. That is the problem I have with my decision to leave: I LOVE my wife.

I want to make sure my statements above are not misinterpreted. I do absolutely love my wife. The only thing that has worked for me is that I see my wife as 2 different women. My loving wife whom I chose to spend the rest of my life with and my BPD wife whom could burn in Hell for all I care. I have recently begun treating my wife as two different people. When things are calm and she is loving and the perfect image of who I chose to marry, I treat her as such. I don't let those times go or treat them as I better enjoy it while it lasts... .that is a fools way of thinking. When she dysregulates, I flip my own switch and use methods I have read about here.
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« Reply #5 on: June 25, 2015, 12:38:02 PM »

I do not hate my wife- that would be too easy a way out. The problem is in the amount of LOVE I have for my wife. That is the problem I have with my decision to leave: I LOVE my wife.

Yep.  that's what it boils down to for me.  I can't face the idea that I would leave someone that I love, and leave her in a bad situation.

I was prepared to file a restraining order against her a few weeks ago.  Had the police on the line, ready to serve the order.  But my wife was not home.  Had she been home, the order would have been served, and that would have meant a court ordered NC for one year from someone I loved.  Very difficult.  That would mean my "goodbye" would have been her being escorted out by police, with no other place to go.  That's not easy.  I really think before I can get to that place of seriously considering leaving again, the love for my wife needs to change, or I need to see my own personal safety in direct danger again.
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« Reply #6 on: June 25, 2015, 12:46:21 PM »

My original post was to point out the realities of how I see my situation, but also the realities of what I read on here most often - that some of us have reached a place of happiness or stability with our partners, but that is usually after a long time and a ton of work and frustration, and seems like the exception rather than the rule.  

That is what I pulled most from your original post Max. I think what has happened with me is that I have been dealing with this for 9 years, not nearly as long as many on this website. But what has happened in my case is that for the first 9 years I thought I was causing a lot of issues for us and not fulfilling my duties as husband. I blamed myself for many years and did a lot of ass kissing on many levels. This caused me to become someone other than myself. Now, 9 years later, I find out what the actual issues are. I feel I wasted 9 years where most of the actions I was taking and the changes I was making was all wrong. I'm fed up. I'm having a hard time with this. Everything I read, everything people say. I just picture all advice being geared towards this not actually being a marriage. That it won't get better. Yeah, I can learn to not take their emotions. I can use boundaries. But she will never change. Boundaries are amazing and yes, will it stop certain abuse or actions? Yes. But what happens when we reach a wall we can't climb? We adapt and eventually overcome. I feel that certain issues may get better, but will be replaced with new ones either just as bad or worse.
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« Reply #7 on: June 25, 2015, 01:05:39 PM »

My original post was to point out the realities of how I see my situation, but also the realities of what I read on here most often - that some of us have reached a place of happiness or stability with our partners, but that is usually after a long time and a ton of work and frustration, and seems like the exception rather than the rule.  

That is what I pulled most from your original post Max. I think what has happened with me is that I have been dealing with this for 9 years, not nearly as long as many on this website. But what has happened in my case is that for the first 9 years I thought I was causing a lot of issues for us and not fulfilling my duties as husband. I blamed myself for many years and did a lot of ass kissing on many levels. This caused me to become someone other than myself. Now, 9 years later, I find out what the actual issues are. I feel I wasted 9 years where most of the actions I was taking and the changes I was making was all wrong. I'm fed up. I'm having a hard time with this. Everything I read, everything people say. I just picture all advice being geared towards this not actually being a marriage. That it won't get better. Yeah, I can learn to not take their emotions. I can use boundaries. But she will never change. Boundaries are amazing and yes, will it stop certain abuse or actions? Yes. But what happens when we reach a wall we can't climb? We adapt and eventually overcome. I feel that certain issues may get better, but will be replaced with new ones either just as bad or worse.

I certainly understand.  While I have been dealing with the behavior for a few years, it's only recently that I have been seeing the reality of it - mainly when there are those "walls" I can't climb - physical abuse, the potential of having children, and finances.  Like you, I spend a couple of years thinking I was "informed" on the disorder, working on myself, blaming myself, and leaning new coping skills.  Then one morning I woke up, saw the bruise on my chest, felt the lump on the back of my head, noticed I had lost 15 lbs the past few months, felt exhausted, and had coworkers, friends, and random strangers making comments to me about how I don't smile anymore.   I'd been on this site more than a year, read books on BPD, been in therapy myself, going to alanon, but still living in denial.  When people on here who have dealt with BPD are telling me they fear I am not safe and should sleep behind a locked door, that's an eye-opener. 
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CastleofGlass
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« Reply #8 on: June 25, 2015, 01:22:07 PM »

Then one morning I woke up, saw the bruise on my chest, felt the lump on the back of my head, noticed I had lost 15 lbs the past few months, felt exhausted, and had coworkers, friends, and random strangers making comments to me about how I don't smile anymore.

This was me a couple years ago. My wife didn't physically abuse me, but the emotional abuse was horrid. I lost 30 lbs and was even told by some I looked like a cancer patient. Everytime I ate, I vomited. I had an endoscopy and colonoscopy at 30 years old and was told I have a hiatal hernia. I will be on Nexium for the rest of my life.

During this period of time, I went went as far as taking a razor blade to my abdomen and trying to end it all. I still rub the scar when things go bad.
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« Reply #9 on: June 25, 2015, 01:42:29 PM »

I see the point made here and that is your opinion as I had mine. I am stuck in the anger phase right now. I can't seem to move past it. MY opinion is that we cater to this behavior and will continue to do so for the entire marriage. There is no blame game. Again, to be blunt. It is my uBPDw's problem, but the issue is in my house. My children have to deal with it, I have to deal with it, and our family/friends have to deal with it. People can tell me about boundaries all they want, but that doesn't stop the dysregulated crap from happening. That doesn't stop me or my children from hearing the insults that damage self esteem. Sometimes, I really get the feeling the acceptance is just accepting that I met the wrong damn person who I can't even get emotional support from at any time.

I haven't read any of the other responses yet. I really wanted to comment on this because I was in that stage for a long time.

I am going to share what helped me to get through that phase. When I first found these forums, I started on the Staying Board. The more I read, the madder I got. I clearly remember thinking, "These people are friggin' nuts to put up with this stuff. The things that they are saying are required to be in a relationship like this is completely bogus."

My emotions were all over the place and they were all really negative. For a while, I moved over the Leaving forum. It was great because I could rant and rave and post all kinds of negative stuff about my spouse and I would get pats n the back and I would have people tell me that I was right to be mad. It was so wonderfully validating. And, I wrote a goodbye letter or two over on the leaving forum. Basically, it was all the negative stuff that I wanted to say to my husband but wouldn't because I knew that no good would come of it. After a while on the Leaving Forum, I hopped over to the legal forums for a bit. <GAHHHH> I saw some of the stuff involved in trying to divorce and was horrified.

Long story short. . .I let myself be angry. Yeah, things were tense around here when I was indulging in my anger. Everything my husband did during that period made me twice as mad as it had before. I looked for things to be angry at him about.

After a while, it seemed like it dissipated. One day, I woke up and wasn't as angry. I still have bouts of anger but not near like I did in those early days after I found this forum. Once the anger dissipated a bit, I was able to come back to the staying forum with a new set of eyes and a new approach to things.
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« Reply #10 on: June 25, 2015, 01:50:52 PM »

Then one morning I woke up, saw the bruise on my chest, felt the lump on the back of my head, noticed I had lost 15 lbs the past few months, felt exhausted, and had coworkers, friends, and random strangers making comments to me about how I don't smile anymore.

This was me a couple years ago. My wife didn't physically abuse me, but the emotional abuse was horrid. I lost 30 lbs and was even told by some I looked like a cancer patient. Everytime I ate, I vomited. I had an endoscopy and colonoscopy at 30 years old and was told I have a hiatal hernia. I will be on Nexium for the rest of my life.

During this period of time, I went went as far as taking a razor blade to my abdomen and trying to end it all. I still rub the scar when things go bad.

Wow, castle... .I never got as far as self-harming, but I do remember when I got to a point where I could understand others who did.  That scared me.  The health issue that started me thinking was a prostate infection.  I mean, burning pain for a few weeks every time I used the restroom, plus discomfort sitting down, and the feeling like I had just been punched between the legs.  So, off to the urologist for 10 days of strong antibiotics - and NOTHING.  Then back to the urologist, this time another kind of antibiotic, and valium.  Valium?  Wow.  The urologist told me that it is a muscle relaxer, and that most of my pain could be due to stress.  I think he is right.  I can feel the pain return any time my wife starts dysregulating at me.   Now my new thing is a pain in my right hand, that I think began the night my wife attempted suicide, and hasn't gotten any better.  
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CastleofGlass
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« Reply #11 on: June 25, 2015, 01:56:11 PM »

VoC-I want to say thank you for your response. I understand that some of my responses came off as a question as to why am I even on the Staying board. I honestly think maybe, a new section should be added to the forums for people who have newly discovered they are dealing with a pwBPD. Because when you first learn of it... .you go through so many emotions. I was so excited when I first found out what I was dealing with because maybe I would finally have a course of action to better my marriage. But, like you stated, I began to get more and more angry reading the posts of others. I began to put myself in their shoes and actually started to see my wife in all of their stories and some of the things she hadn't even done herself.

The only FOG I am dealing with right now, is a cloudy mind full of questions, possible scenarios and forecasting (a term used to try to predict the future). I just need to take a breath sometimes. Hopefully, this will soon pass for me. Your post resonates with me and almost seems like something a future me (hopefully) would say to the present me.

 
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CastleofGlass
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« Reply #12 on: June 25, 2015, 02:01:03 PM »

Wow, castle... .I never got as far as self-harming, but I do remember when I got to a point where I could understand others who did.  That scared me.  The health issue that started me thinking was a prostate infection.  I mean, burning pain for a few weeks every time I used the restroom, plus discomfort sitting down, and the feeling like I had just been punched between the legs.  So, off to the urologist for 10 days of strong antibiotics - and NOTHING.  Then back to the urologist, this time another kind of antibiotic, and valium.  Valium?  Wow.  The urologist told me that it is a muscle relaxer, and that most of my pain could be due to stress.  I think he is right.  I can feel the pain return any time my wife starts dysregulating at me.   Now my new thing is a pain in my right hand, that I think began the night my wife attempted suicide, and hasn't gotten any better.  

Yes Sir, I am not proud of it. I had a tremendous downfall 3 years ago. I remember not only doing that, but buying a case of Monster Energy Drinks and chugging them all in rapid succession trying to get my heart to seize. I also took 20 muscle relaxers in one sitting and still woke up the next day. Basically, 3 attempts in 2 weeks. Worst point in my life. I never had before that considered doing any of those things and haven't since. My scar is a reminder to not ever let myself get that way again.

Stress takes a physical toll. I have noticed many changes in my body during my marriage. I have also noticed many emotional changes as well. This is another part of the anger that festers within me.
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« Reply #13 on: June 25, 2015, 02:06:10 PM »

I was so excited when I first found out what I was dealing with because maybe I would finally have a course of action to better my marriage.

My T first suggested my wife had BPD, within the first half hour of my first session.  I went to the T thinking that I must have poor relationship skills, and her response was "it's not you" and "you can't have a stable relationship with someone who screams at you."  About 2 weeks later, my now wife told me she had been diagnosed BPD years ago.  

And off I went.  I thought I had the answer.  I read books, wife started therapy, BPD was out in the open, I found this site, started the tools, and things felt like they were improving.  Maybe they have improved some, but the events of the last month and a half show that in the long run, nothing has changed.  That period where I felt hopeful and that things were getting better?  Probably just my denial.     I understand where you are at.  Right now, I am just trying to find a new place of calm so that I can make clear decisions.
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« Reply #14 on: June 25, 2015, 02:18:45 PM »

Right now, I am just trying to find a new place of calm so that I can make clear decisions.

This is where I am at as well. But what I am also trying to make sure I get right is some of the advice passed on and used from this website. What I want and hope others remember is that we are still in relationships. You can't treat your SO as a pwBPD 24 hours a day. They are 2 different people. When I hear things like "I don't even pay attention to them anymore." "I sleep in a different room." Things of this nature worry me. It is all fine and well to protect yourself and establish boundaries, but do not forget this person is still your SO.

I want to find the balance. I NEED to find the balance. We all do.

Max, I hope things get better for you. I really do. I highly encourage you to keep with your hobbies and do things to make yourself happy. But, I also side with others who say when it becomes a physical nature, your safety is first and foremost. I know you have a plan and I applaud you on that. Many do not. But my advice is to make sure you use that NC order when things get physical again or almost to that level. Always remember, you initiated that order for a reason. The 'you' that had that order drafted would want the 'present you' to use it when faced with another situation like before.
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« Reply #15 on: June 25, 2015, 02:49:07 PM »

A quick overview of my life with pwBPD: My mother was relatively functional, but emotionally all over the map. My childhood was anything but validating, however my father did his best in difficult circumstances.

My first husband was a very intelligent man but a low functioning pwBPD. I dealt with violence on a regular basis, continuous economic instability and cheating.

My second husband is a highly functional pwBPD and a very intelligent man. However, he suffers from chronic depression.

There's definitely a difference in what you can expect living with a pwBPD and that depends upon how functional they are, just as they are. It's easy to fall into magical thinking, believing that with knowledge and will-power that we can help them. Ain't gonna happen. If they're horribly uncomfortable with their lives, maybe, just maybe they might seek therapy and make some positive changes. That seems unlikely because their typical modus operandi is that of a victim and that all their sorrows are someone else's fault ultimately.
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