Checking myself

[vortex of confusion]

I had a bad experience with a trauma coach the other day. If you want to read about that, here is the thread: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=278957.0;all

One of the things that I am taking away from that experience is that maybe I have gotten too negative and need to do a better job of keeping myself in check. Here are some of the questions that I have as a result of doing a bit of self checking:

-What kind of picture was I painting for her to make those kinds of assumptions and ask those kinds of questions? I know I was pretty negative about my husband but I didn't think I was that negative. Definitely worth doing a self check.

-Was I presenting myself like that to her? If so, why? I am NOT a victim or a fading flower. I can and have stood up for myself on numerous occasions. If I can't figure out how to do things the right way, I am going to flounder around and screw stuff up until I get it right.

-Is my husband really a sex addict? Yeah, he has done some crappy things but he isn't what I would consider a depraved individual. He went 10 years without doing anything at all that even remotely resembled sex addiction. (He self identifies as a sex addict so I use that term as well. I am seriously going to rethink using it at all because I don't like the implications that it carries with it.)

I want to start a conversation about ways that I can check myself with regards to the relationship. Any thoughts or ideas to poke my brain a bit?

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[gah]

Journal and look back?

[GaGrl]

That's a tremendous insight!

[vortex of confusion]

Journal and look back?

I have been doing that. I recently when back in and found my introductory post and discussion. It was unsettling to read. It showed me that I have made a lot of progress since I found this place.

I am thinking more of looking forward rather than looking back.

The quote that keeps coming to mind is:

"Watch your your thoughts, they become your words, watch your words, they become your actions."

(Or something like that. . .)

A better way to put it might be to ask: "At what point does venting about one's spouse become unhealthy?"

If I am venting so much and painting a picture of victim-hood while vehemently denying that I am a victim, then something is out of whack and I need to change my approach.

Journaling is easy.  I want to be more proactive so that when I journal, I can write about the good things that my husband does rather than write stuff like, "WOW, I can't believe he did x, y, or z." Um, okay, why the heck am I surprised? He has been doing x, y, and z forever. That isn't going to change and I need to knock it off.

Does that make sense? Am I the only one that recognizes that maybe I have gotten too negative and too tangled up in trying to find a label to explain my husband and his behaviors?

[Rapt Reader]

I am thinking more of looking forward rather than looking back.

The quote that keeps coming to mind is:

"Watch your your thoughts, they become your words, watch your words, they become your actions."

(Or something like that. . .)

I think that is a wonderful plan, vortex 

A better way to put it might be to ask: "At what point does venting about one's spouse become unhealthy?"

If I am venting so much and painting a picture of victim-hood while vehemently denying that I am a victim, then something is out of whack and I need to change my approach.

I think that you really are hitting the nail on the head here 

Journaling is easy.  I want to be more proactive so that when I journal, I can write about the good things that my husband does rather than write stuff like, "WOW, I can't believe he did x, y, or z." Um, okay, why the heck am I surprised? He has been doing x, y, and z forever. That isn't going to change and I need to knock it off.

Does that make sense? Am I the only one that recognizes that maybe I have gotten too negative and too tangled up in trying to find a label to explain my husband and his behaviors?

Perfect sense, vortex... .And I think recognizing that the being too negative and entangled in the negativity is detrimental to healing and repairing your relationship, is really a wonderful hurdle you have just jumped! Kudos to you for navigating this breakthrough

[sweetheart]

Hi VOC,

I don't really have any suggestions for you, because you seem to me to be incrementally steering yourself toward a wise mind. 

[CastleofGlass]

VoC-I want to join in the others and just say I applaud your recent self-awareness discoveries. It is very possible that this last meeting with your trauma coach was exactly what you needed to realize maybe the negative thoughts and emotions of your life have begun to become part of your normal personality. When such a thing occurs, it is easy to be blind to how negative you actually sound when most of your conversations/journal entries recently have most likely been 95% negative. In fact, you become so used to being negative, you may view it as just getting things off your chest or trying to help yourself to get better mentally/emotionally. It just becomes second nature and the main facet of your communication.

Honestly, I have been negative for many years. Prior to learning about BPD, I was just negative about everything under the sun. After finding out, I became negative about BPD and the people that have it. As you recently commented on one of my venting topics lately, I'm sure you can see I am still in that mentality.

I'm glad you are trying to counter your recent enlightening experience concerning your negativity. I too, have been self-aware for a long time now that I am negative. But, at this time, I just haven't had the motivation or energy to change it.

[vortex of confusion]

Honestly, I have been negative for many years. Prior to learning about BPD, I was just negative about everything under the sun. After finding out, I became negative about BPD and the people that have it. As you recently commented on one of my venting topics lately, I'm sure you can see I am still in that mentality.

I thought I was being positive for the longest time. Somewhere along the way, the pendulum began to swing away from from positive over into the negative area. It was a subtle shift that happened over time. It was a bunch of little stuff that kept building and building and building. My husband and I have talked about how for years, there was almost no conflict in our marriage. There was no conflict because neither of us were really opening up with the other. We were too busy having kids and dealing with babies. We kept distracting ourselves. Once we were done having kids and our youngest hit 3 or so, everything came to a head. That was also the year that my Father in law passed away. My husband was diagnosed with diabetes. Some other big stuff happened. It was the perfect storm and I got swept up in it.

I'm glad you are trying to counter your recent enlightening experience concerning your negativity. I too, have been self-aware for a long time now that I am negative. But, at this time, I just haven't had the motivation or energy to change it.

I have been there. For the longest time, I was exactly where you are. It is hard to find that motivation or energy when there are days when it takes every ounce of motivation and energy to get out of bed. Even with this revelation, I still feel friggin' exhausted. I want to curl up in bed and forget the world exists for a while.

I don't want to lose this momentum. I don't want to backslide, which is why I posted looking for ideas on how to keep myself in check. I know me. I know that it would be really easy for me to slip backwards. I don't want to do that. The next time my husband reacts poorly or I get angry at him for doing something that he has been doing for years, I don't want to resort back to that negativity. I don't want to find myself thinking something like, "Well maybe that coach was right. Maybe he is an abusive jerk," rather than checking myself and reminding myself of all of the progress that has been made.

Buying into her take on my reality would be too easy. It lets me off the hook. I don't want to be let off the hook.

[Grey Kitty]

Going forward is owning your side of it. (And not picking up your husband's stuff either)

If you were to buy the coach's view of your H, your job would be to get out and get your kids out. ASAP.

Since you don't, you have other things to own and deal with.

One thought is go ahead and journal your amazement that your H did x y and z again. Then journal that past history makes that surprise seem pretty disingenuous on your part... .and try to figure out where it came from... .or what options you have to handle it differently.

Being and feeling  exhausted comes from working too hard.

Sometimes life presents you really hard work. You gotta put up with it or pace yourself.

There is another thing that exhausts you as badly too, and that is refusing to accept your situation, and putting your energy into believing that things should be different or that your husband is somebody you wish he was instead of the guy you live with.

You don't even get decent results from THAT kind of work.