From dying to thriving, all in a year...

[Ceruleanblue]

Today, I'm taking the time to be thankful. Things are night and day different than they were this same time a year ago. I was so skeptical that BPDh would become better, even with DBT therapy, but it seems to have made a difference. I always held onto a glimmer of hope that he could change, but I really, really doubted he wanted to. I'm not sure why he started trying, but I do think it's because he decided to make serious effort. Plus, I'm almost positive the last time the doctor tweaked his medication(he did this three times), that it finally seemed to take effect.

Things aren't what I'd consider "normal", but if they continue to improve, I'd say we could have a semblance of normal. Well, I feel that way on our better days. I also stay on the lookout to not attribute everything to the BPD, even though it used to be so pervasive. That's easier now that his behaviors are more stable. I can actually see where we sometimes just have male/female differences, instead of wild dysregulation all the time. I no longer dread him coming home, and the weekends are no longer a nightmare. I'm actually starting to look forward to these things now.

We still have issues, like my anxiety sometimes acts up(less so when things are good), and I'd like him to stop lying, and he still dysregulates at times, but nothing like it used to be. I'm learning how to deal with it better, and he's learning to be mindful and he seems to be using the coping skills he's learning in DBT. I'm pretty proud of him, and of us. He's 47, and changing at any age is hard, but I'd bet even harder when you've spent your lifetime dysregulating, blaming others, and always having a target, yet he's come such a long way.

There was a time I held out little hope for him ever having a happy life, and little hope for us making it long term, much as I wanted it to work out. I have fear of abandonment myself, but I spent a lot of time contemplating a life without him too, and I now no longer do that. I've learned to take care of myself, and get a lot of my needs met in other ways, and that sometimes makes me sad, but I'm hoping it's also made him feel less pressure.

Both he and I agree things just keep getting better. There was sacrifice, and I'm going to get back into individual therapy to deal with some anger I still have over some things he did, and choices he forced me to make. It will be nice to be in therapy and not have it be all about just surviving. I actually feel we are thriving in our relationship for the first time since we got married.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

 

Thats excellent. the feeling of progress and being on the same team is uplifting.

I get this feeling. Turns resentment into periodic frustrations, but thats much easier to deal with.

[mindwise]

Excellent and inspiring post Clearandblue

Very happy for both of you. Keep up the good work.

Best wishes

[vortex of confusion]

I no longer dread him coming home, and the weekends are no longer a nightmare. I'm actually starting to look forward to these things now.

   

That is awesome to hear! And I know it is a great feeling to have. My husband and I were talking not too long ago and he was saying that he actually looks forward to coming home. There for a while, we both dreaded coming home from work. It is soo nice for weekends and evenings to be peaceful again.

[Rapt Reader]

Your story and insights are an inspiration to all of us, Ceruleanblue 

I also stay on the lookout to not attribute everything to the BPD, even though it used to be so pervasive. That's easier now that his behaviors are more stable. I can actually see where we sometimes just have male/female differences, instead of wild dysregulation all the time... .

I've learned to take care of myself, and get a lot of my needs met in other ways, and that sometimes makes me sad, but I'm hoping it's also made him feel less pressure... .

I personally find these insights of yours to be remarkable, and very helpful in anyone's journey to relationship happiness and emotional well-being 

I actually feel we are thriving in our relationship for the first time since we got married.

I am so happy for you, Ceruleanblue 

[itgirl]

So happy to read a positive story. Well done.

I have found a wonderful therapist for myself.  I never thought in my somewhat successful life I would need therapy!  But it's working. Im changing me and my partner is responding/behaving very well.

Look after yourself and keep us posted on your progress.

[maxsterling]

Wow!  This is good to hear.  If you don't mind me asking, what meds is he on?

[MaroonLiquid]

Today, I'm taking the time to be thankful. Things are night and day different than they were this same time a year ago. I was so skeptical that BPDh would become better, even with DBT therapy, but it seems to have made a difference. I always held onto a glimmer of hope that he could change, but I really, really doubted he wanted to. I'm not sure why he started trying, but I do think it's because he decided to make serious effort. Plus, I'm almost positive the last time the doctor tweaked his medication(he did this three times), that it finally seemed to take effect.

Things aren't what I'd consider "normal", but if they continue to improve, I'd say we could have a semblance of normal. Well, I feel that way on our better days. I also stay on the lookout to not attribute everything to the BPD, even though it used to be so pervasive. That's easier now that his behaviors are more stable. I can actually see where we sometimes just have male/female differences, instead of wild dysregulation all the time. I no longer dread him coming home, and the weekends are no longer a nightmare. I'm actually starting to look forward to these things now.

We still have issues, like my anxiety sometimes acts up(less so when things are good), and I'd like him to stop lying, and he still dysregulates at times, but nothing like it used to be. I'm learning how to deal with it better, and he's learning to be mindful and he seems to be using the coping skills he's learning in DBT. I'm pretty proud of him, and of us. He's 47, and changing at any age is hard, but I'd bet even harder when you've spent your lifetime dysregulating, blaming others, and always having a target, yet he's come such a long way.

There was a time I held out little hope for him ever having a happy life, and little hope for us making it long term, much as I wanted it to work out. I have fear of abandonment myself, but I spent a lot of time contemplating a life without him too, and I now no longer do that. I've learned to take care of myself, and get a lot of my needs met in other ways, and that sometimes makes me sad, but I'm hoping it's also made him feel less pressure.

Both he and I agree things just keep getting better. There was sacrifice, and I'm going to get back into individual therapy to deal with some anger I still have over some things he did, and choices he forced me to make. It will be nice to be in therapy and not have it be all about just surviving. I actually feel we are thriving in our relationship for the first time since we got married.

That's awesome!  I wish my wife and I where at the same place y'all are.  It's heartbreaking that she vehemently chooses dysfunction over truth and our marriage.  It's difficult when everything that happens to her is someone else's fault.

[Stalwart]

   Hey Cerulean:

   

   

   Wow that is so fantastic and I really am glad that you've always held on to that hope. Even in the darkest times it’s a safe place that we can visit.

   

   

   

   It's an amazing feeling when you can go from dreading time spent together to looking forwards to it isn't it? I'm really happy for you. We seem to be in somewhat similar situations and it really helps me to focus on the positive and look for small glimmers of hope and pounce on them. It's strange but it seems to be like a snowball rolling down a hill and they all come together in a collective that does make you sit back and just once in a while be thankful for the change. For myself I'm thankful for every progressively good change in her and equally thankful for every progressive it's given me in being a better person who can more readily cope with the situation.

   

   

   

   I really am sorry to see that you do still struggle with issues from the past. I know from my own experience that is a really difficult place to escape from. I also know for certain it impedes so many opportunities. I'm a bit fortunate in that situation and handling it. I was able to mentally just slam the door on the past and for (for the most) leave it back there where it belongs. Committing myself and our relationship and tending to the daily things of improving it without impeding it with thoughts of the past was 'freedom' to me. It really did open up new doors and also new opportunities to dive in head first and see the opportunities for improvement. I've taken every opportunity and what a difference I and she live today as a result.

   

   

   I didn’t find trashing the past as difficult as I did opening up with vulnerability to a better future. I’m certain that you can totally relate to that. I’ve found having the courage to do that has really helped to turn things around. With some of her new skills I can honestly say that she’s responded so much better as well.

   

   

   Looks great on you Cerulean and thanks for post and update. Always great to hear good experiences because we all work so hard to try and live in them.

   

   There is one other small ray of hope Cerulean. I’ve read that in a lot of cases that people that have suffered a long time and now find themselves in a lasting, tried relationship do tend to settle better into the relationship with age. My wife was 53 when she ran face first into the realization so just look at the head start you have. All the best with this going forward. You go girl - you've got this.

   

   

   Big grin and hugz.

[Ceruleanblue]

Maxsterling: At first BPDh was put on something by his family doctor. I think his family doctor actually was going in the right direction, but back then BPDh was in deep denial, and went off the meds. I forget what he was prescribed back then, but when I researched it, it is largely prescribed for people who have BPD. He said he couldn't tolerate it, and went off.

This time around, it was his psychiatrist who put him in DBT, and kept playing with his meds. I was allowed to go for one visit, and I suggested that BPDh's brother also has a huge anger issue and my SIL told me what he takes. I expected the psychiatrist might discount it, but he prescribed it and said it was a good option. He started him on a low dose, and has raised it twice. He is now on 150mg of the generic equivalent of Wellbutrin. I didn't notice any difference, until it was raised this last time. In fact, for a while, he got worse. Plus, he'd started DBT. His psychiatrist warned us that he might get worse before we see improvement, and yeah, that did happen. It was not fun for a month or so.

I'm not sure if it's the drugs, but I suspect it might be, and the DBT is certainly helping too. I'd like to take some credit, but I really feel most of this is on BPDh! I've been trying to validate, and all that for some time, with mixed results, so I really feel this change is mostly HIM, which feels great. He seems to be so much happier, and have more peace. His thinking seems to have changed quite a bit, which was always problematic for me. He doesn't just rush to judgement as much, and he's not such a harsh critic lately. He's MINDFUL, as he calls it.