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Author Topic: What Love Language are Most BPD's?  (Read 1642 times)
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« on: June 26, 2015, 04:27:05 PM »

I try to numb myself to her not wanting to be very romantic or affectionate by watching movies, or hanging with my kids, or playing basketball.  But when I really get to thinking about it, the relationship feels really imbalanced.  I feel like I try so hard to make her happy through her love language (service), and she really does not try to make me happy through mine (words and touch).  When I tell her that, she just says she tries so hard to make me happy by keeping the house clean, fixing meals, transporting kids etc.  She is genuinely really uncomfortable with verbal or physical affection - especially in front of others.  I wonder if that is common to personality disorders?  Do most BPD's prefer love through non-intimate ways like service? 
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Lifewriter16
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« Reply #1 on: June 26, 2015, 04:49:48 PM »

My BPDxbf was very huggy and affectionate, would express his feelings verbally or bring presents. That's partly what drew me to him. I was married to a man who has asperger's syndrome and whose love language was acts of service. Having said that, my BPDxbf would withdraw into his shell at times shutting me out and wanting no touch at all. I wonder if it depends upon which phase of the relationship cycle they are in (vulnerable seduction, clinging or hating/devaluing)?

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« Reply #2 on: June 26, 2015, 07:16:29 PM »

I try to numb myself to her not wanting to be very romantic or affectionate by watching movies, or hanging with my kids, or playing basketball.  But when I really get to thinking about it, the relationship feels really imbalanced.  I feel like I try so hard to make her happy through her love language (service), and she really does not try to make me happy through mine (words and touch).  When I tell her that, she just says she tries so hard to make me happy by keeping the house clean, fixing meals, transporting kids etc.  She is genuinely really uncomfortable with verbal or physical affection - especially in front of others.  I wonder if that is common to personality disorders?  Do most BPD's prefer love through non-intimate ways like service? 

She is communicating to you in her love language. (which is a positive - she is trying to show you she loves you in her language.) Maybe you need to give her a little instruction in your love languages so she catches on.  Show/tell her what you like.
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« Reply #3 on: June 26, 2015, 08:07:12 PM »

P.S. when she does speak your language validate it and encourage more.
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« Reply #4 on: June 26, 2015, 09:51:05 PM »

My BPDh's has expressed his needs are physical touch(including sex), and words of affirmation. It's pretty easy for me to do both as I grew up in a pretty demonstrative family, and I'm big on saying nice things to build him up. Trouble is, he knows my love languages, but he struggles to meet them. I think me expressing my needs makes him feel controlled, at least based on things he says, and the way he acts. So, as with lots of BPD marriages, my needs go largely unmet(it's getting slightly better), while his are mostly met. I try not to think about it, because it makes me rather upset, and that leads to discontent. It is what it is, and I just have to accept that he can't or won't meet the needs I'd expected to have in a marriage.
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« Reply #5 on: June 27, 2015, 05:13:12 AM »

It is what it is, and I just have to accept that he can't or won't meet the needs I'd expected to have in a marriage.

Its really a sad reality that one needs to face the majority of the time. I cant say that Ive fully accepted this reality. Its really difficult.

My BPDh is very affectionate when he's in that space which can last a couple of months. Until he suddenly flips then goes cold turkey on me. This is sadly also for another couple of months. No affection. No touch. No intimacy. Nothing. He doesnt talk. And appears to be absent most of the times.

When i start to back off and not force the issue (which by this time im thinking of measures to get out of this situation) he would suddenly start pursuing me by being affectionate and the good sweet husband etc and just when he wins me over after a couple of months he drops me again. This is the 2nd time going through this. I genuinely thought he changed but i was wrong. Weve been married for just over 4 yrs now.
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« Reply #6 on: June 28, 2015, 11:33:18 PM »

which phase of the relationship cycle they are in (vulnerable seduction, clinging or hating/devaluing)?

Can someone direct me to this cycle so I can read more?
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« Reply #7 on: June 29, 2015, 01:20:54 AM »

Hi isilme,

Here's the link you've asked for:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves

Lifewriter
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« Reply #8 on: June 29, 2015, 07:39:19 AM »

Expressing emotions and intimacy can make them feel vulnerable and not in control linked to a fear of rejection. It could even be a case of Sexual Anorexia.

By using service she is probably overcompensating to cover up her perceived shortfall. Some use intimacy to overcompensate for "service" shortfall.

A balanced life is a regulated life which is in effect what makes this imbalance a disorder and messes with harmonious functionality.
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« Reply #9 on: June 29, 2015, 07:51:03 AM »

I wonder if that is common to personality disorders?  Do most BPD's prefer love through non-intimate ways like service? 

I gotta point out it's a little self-centered to label any of the 5 love languages as "non-intimate". 

The whole concept of "Love Languages" is we each have our own, and one isn't better, or more-intimate than others.  We all see love expressed in different ways, and the key to making your spouse (a non-BPD spouse anyway) is to identify their love language and talk in that language.
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« Reply #10 on: June 29, 2015, 08:15:29 AM »

What are the 5 love languages?

   Gifts

   Quality Time

   Words of Affirmation

   Acts of Service

   Physical Touch

These are outlined by Gary Chapman in a 1995 book, "The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate."

For my ex, his was Gifts and Physical Touch (how he RECEIVED 'love'

If 'gifts' were not given, and 'physical touch' was not given the way HE wanted to receive it; in his mind, he was 'not loved', and he 'created' in his mind that the marriage was doomed to fail because 'he was not loved'.

When I begged him to come home (after I caught him in an affair) we saw a Biblical 'counselor' (oy, I do NOT recommmend a 'counselor' at the 'church'... .ever) AND Pastor so in so toted the "5 Love Languages" like it was gospel. The ex, grabbed onto this in his mind, and became fixated on it.

In his mind, Pastor so in so said this was a GREAT book, and it was ACCURATE, and TRUE.

So he twisted things in his head, to suit his desires, and went with it.

Even after he told me 'how to give him love the way he wants it' AND DOING EXACTLY what he wanted... .it still was not enough, because his mind was made up, I could not 'give him the love he deserves'... .

((Truth be known, he was still having an affair, and was just looking for an excuse / way to blame me, to get me to file for divorce so he could go live like a 23 year old))

My personal experience with "The 5 Love Languages" was horrible, because my NP / ASPD ex could not receive that kind of information like a well/healthy brained person can.

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« Reply #11 on: June 29, 2015, 08:31:30 AM »

My personal experience with "The 5 Love Languages" was horrible, because my NP / ASPD ex could not receive that kind of information like a well/healthy brained person can.

Good point. I can see that this way of looking at things might help some couples but my xH and I went to a course based upon this book. It didn't help us in the slightest. Only years later did we discover that we both have asperger's syndrome. Now things make more sense.

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« Reply #12 on: June 29, 2015, 08:35:36 AM »

This has been a struggle between me and my gf throughout our year long relationship. It started quite intensely, lots of affection and telling me she loves me etc. But after a little while this completely stopped. Even cuddling became a awkward ordeal. She just seemed so uncomfortable and unwilling to be affectionate. I let her know how unhappy I was without intimacy. She told me to leave if I couldn't deal with the way she was, and the fact that she struggles with physical contact and being romantic. I decided to stay due to how suicidal and unstable she was at the time (this was about 6 months ago). However, as time went on I decided that it wasn't what I wanted anymore and I gave her a final chance to improve on the physical side of our relationship. I told her that my self-esteem was on the floor due to the lack of affection and really drilled the point of how unhappy I was in the relationship. We built things up slowly but surely, and now we are in a much better place intimacy-wise. I would even say that she is just as affectionate as me. She told me that by doing affectionate things (even though she didnt feel comfortable), she was able to get used to it and see that its not as scary as she originally thought, and now she actually enjoys being physically close. Every now and then she can be a bit distant but it wont last more than a day or two. But yeah, this is something that a lot of BPD relationships struggle with
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« Reply #13 on: June 29, 2015, 10:36:08 AM »

Hey Processing:

Good Post.

“I wonder if that is common to personality disorders?  Do most BPD's prefer love through non-intimate ways like service?” I can tell you in my case it’s a bit of an enigma. She never minds (in fact she likes) holding hands and sitting together and hugging at night in bed but when it comes to sex it’s strained.

She ‘schedules’ sex as though it’s a chore rather than a pleasure. At least that’s how it feels. More often than not she’ll postpone it for a couple of days after her original ‘scheduling’. It would almost be comical if it wasn’t so sad that she thinks or feels that way. It’s almost as though she needs to know she’s still attractive so sex is a necessity for her to fill that ‘need’. Honestly, it’s awkward and takes so much away from it. One other thing for certain is focusing on her needs in sex. There was a time that I really didn’t know how to do that properly (and she never told me either) and I was accused of being ‘selfish’ with regards to sex because I was only pleasing myself. As dysfunctional as that is when questioned about why she never told me how to do that ‘just right’ before she replied that “I should have known that.” So now that I do know that, (and it’s very, very specific in its nature) meeting her needs each time we have sex has improved our sex life.

As far as what “language” I’m not totally convinced on Chapman’s book. I find it might just have some psychometric value but it’s not really proven in any testing and seems a bit abstract and generalized to me. Having said that; Well I’m sure I’m not alone in this but pretty much she needs all five languages in one way or another. Like most she has a needy personality.

One certainty is that ‘words of affirmation’ is definitely her strongest need. That is what really keeps her ‘in touch’ and focused on our relationship. Without that on a very constant bases she becomes a bit withdrawn. A natural and intense lack of self-esteem must be such a difficult thing to deal with and it’s certainly been one of my biggest challenges is to support her feeling more confident, worthy and ‘able.’

As far as “Show/tell her what you like.” That’s just a place I never go. Whenever I’d approach that subject she would feel rejected as though ‘she wasn’t doing it right’ and I was criticizing her and it would throw her right out to ‘left field’.

We all get our own personal interpretations of our close relationships especially with intimacy but it really seems to me that when she touches she doesn’t feel. Even doing something like rubbing my back is so mechanical and methodical it feels like she’s trying to accomplish a ‘quick efficient’ job rather taking any intimate pleasure in it.

I’m not complaining. For the most part my relationship with regards to this is probably less strained that a lot. For most though after the initial engagement early in the relationship it then seems to becomes a chore. That’s really sad for her because she misses so much of what it can and should be but I’ve never found the secret to cracking that and bringing her into real “Hey, the whole world disappears and it’s just you and me” thing.

But hey, I never surrender. I’d really like to hear if anyone else has cracked the code. I know RoseB had their experience but “telling” her and certainly giving her an ultimatum isn’t the answer in my case.

By the way Lifewriter;

“Even after he told me 'how to give him love the way he wants it' AND DOING EXACTLY what he wanted... .it still was not enough, because his mind was made up, I could not 'give him the love he deserves'... .

((Truth be known, he was still having an affair, and was just looking for an excuse / way to blame me, to get me to file for divorce so he could go live like a 23 year old))

You really have my heart on that one Lifewriter.  I so hope you’ve managed to find a better way in your relationship.

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« Reply #14 on: June 29, 2015, 03:36:06 PM »

My BPD wife's love language is acts of service. I suspect the majority are as well. At least the female Waif types.
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« Reply #15 on: June 30, 2015, 07:27:08 AM »

What are the 5 love languages?

   Gifts

   Quality Time

   Words of Affirmation

   Acts of Service

   Physical Touch

These are outlined by Gary Chapman in a 1995 book, "The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate."

For my ex, his was Gifts and Physical Touch (how he RECEIVED 'love'

If 'gifts' were not given, and 'physical touch' was not given the way HE wanted to receive it; in his mind, he was 'not loved', and he 'created' in his mind that the marriage was doomed to fail because 'he was not loved'.

When I begged him to come home (after I caught him in an affair) we saw a Biblical 'counselor' (oy, I do NOT recommmend a 'counselor' at the 'church'... .ever) AND Pastor so in so toted the "5 Love Languages" like it was gospel. The ex, grabbed onto this in his mind, and became fixated on it.

In his mind, Pastor so in so said this was a GREAT book, and it was ACCURATE, and TRUE.

So he twisted things in his head, to suit his desires, and went with it.

Personally I think Gary Chapman's book can help lots of couples... .it may not translate as well to a BPD relationship, but to be fair I don't think that was the author's intent.

My uBPDw can read a book and fixate on the 3 sentences she likes... .but my knowing her primary love language is Quality Time (with Words of Affirmation and Physical Touch a close 2 & 3) helps me understand her behavior.  It's just another piece in the puzzle along with BPD... .
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« Reply #16 on: June 30, 2015, 07:33:37 AM »



Excerpt
What are the 5 love languages?

   Gifts

   Quality Time

   Words of Affirmation

   Acts of Service

   Physical Touch

These are outlined by Gary Chapman in a 1995 book, "The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate."

For my ex, his was Gifts and Physical Touch (how he RECEIVED 'love'

If 'gifts' were not given, and 'physical touch' was not given the way HE wanted to receive it; in his mind, he was 'not loved', and he 'created' in his mind that the marriage was doomed to fail because 'he was not loved'.

When I begged him to come home (after I caught him in an affair) we saw a Biblical 'counselor' (oy, I do NOT recommmend a 'counselor' at the 'church'... .ever) AND Pastor so in so toted the "5 Love Languages" like it was gospel. The ex, grabbed onto this in his mind, and became fixated on it.

In his mind, Pastor so in so said this was a GREAT book, and it was ACCURATE, and TRUE.

So he twisted things in his head, to suit his desires, and went with it.

.

Excerpt
Personally I think Gary Chapman's book can help lots of couples... .it may not translate as well to a BPD relationship, but to be fair I don't think that was the author's intent.

My uBPDw can read a book and fixate on the 3 sentences she likes... .but my knowing her primary love language is Quality Time (with Words of Affirmation and Physical Touch a close 2 & 3) helps me understand her behavior.  It's just another piece in the puzzle along with BPD... .

"My personal experience with "The 5 Love Languages" was horrible, because my NP / ASPD ex could not receive that kind of information like a well/healthy brained person can."

That's why I qualified my comment with this quote! Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #17 on: July 01, 2015, 07:50:18 AM »

"My personal experience with "The 5 Love Languages" was horrible, because my NP / ASPD ex could not receive that kind of information like a well/healthy brained person can."

That's why I qualified my comment with this quote! Smiling (click to insert in post)

I didn't mean to dis your experience... .just me holding on to the hope that a book for "normal" relationships might somehow be applicable to my life... .
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« Reply #18 on: July 03, 2015, 08:54:11 PM »

uBPDh is an acts of kindness Love Language. Mine is gifts, but he sees my gifts as me trying to buy him and control him... .*sigh*
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« Reply #19 on: July 07, 2015, 11:35:16 AM »

uBPDh is an acts of kindness Love Language. Mine is gifts, but he sees my gifts as me trying to buy him and control him... .*sigh*

That's what I don't get... .the world view that anything different (i.e. spouse has a different love language) is somehow "bad".  The whole point of the book is to identify and speak your spouse's love language... .what part of that is so foreign?
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« Reply #20 on: July 15, 2015, 06:42:50 AM »

uBPDh is an acts of kindness Love Language. Mine is gifts, but he sees my gifts as me trying to buy him and control him... .*sigh*

That's what I don't get... .the world view that anything different (i.e. spouse has a different love language) is somehow "bad".  The whole point of the book is to identify and speak your spouse's love language... .what part of that is so foreign?

The way I interpreted the whole "love language" thing was this:

Yin and Yang.

My language and his were not the same, so I had to step out of what 'I wanted to feel loved' and give what 'he wanted to feel loved' and vise verse.

Love languages is not a competition, or a way to control someone... .it's the outward expression of the inward Love you have for the person.

I thought that the best relationships were when two people 'completed' each other.

Where I am weak, he is strong, where he is weak, I am strong, and when we are together, the circle is complete... .

Maybe I AM the insane one?
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« Reply #21 on: July 15, 2015, 07:50:02 AM »

I thought that the best relationships were when two people 'completed' each other.

Where I am weak, he is strong, where he is weak, I am strong, and when we are together, the circle is complete... .

Maybe I AM the insane one?

Nope, just the non-BPD one... .
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