even though I am understanding why, I still feel hurt and angry

[Daniell85]

I've been reading the lessons. Other people's posts. My boyfriend is still giving me silent treatment. He still has me blocked on facebook.

Boy does the silent treatment get to me. This is about the 10th major episode of it in the past 4 years. Typically he will go weeks, and once went about 4 1/2 months with it. Always it has been me reaching out. Last summer I was so hurt and angry at him doing it to me, that I  literally raged at him on Skype telling him to leave since he was doing it. It took about 2 months for him to remove himself.

I didn't remove him because I didn't actually want him gone, but all attempts to work things out prior to that were fruitless. He ignored me, back then, except to make some nasty comments about me on someone's social page.

Now I find myself in close to the same position. Last year once it was down to Skype, I never even saw him log in. This time, I see him logging in, then making his status to appear "invisible". Or he sits there visible a bit. I did say one day I hoped he was feeling better. He ignored me.

I haven't said anything else. I keep feeling like what is the point? I just feel worse to say something and get ignored. I AM understanding in my head that it's HIS choice, he is choosing this. It's HIS problem that he is choosing to handle the situation this way. So several weeks have gone by, and I just watch him and say nothing. It's really painful to me, and I feel very depressed most of the time.

I feel I learned enough on this site to probably be able to validate him well enough for things not to go this far again. Probably.

But he isn't talking.

I have this struggle inside of me, remembering how much he has hurt me. The cheating, the cruel words, the projecting onto me. The constant blame and impatience because I am not over him cheating.

Honestly, I feel stuck in the hurt and resentment that this person who has caused so much damage to me is sitting there with his finger pointed at me, blocking ME and pretty successfully humiliating and shaming me and CONTROLLING access to him, like I caused all of this? I pull back and forth... .he's maybe BPD, he is not thinking clearly, he has unhealthy emotional habits and I do, too.

I think about the rejections, lying to people about me, I feel so hated by someone I loved a lot. Right now I don't know what I feel about him, except I have pain, and am afraid to reach out. I don't understand why he sits on Skype and refuses to speak almost a MONTH after HE lost control of himself and threatened and bullied me.

I understand the dysregulation concept. I understand the tools. But I still feel hurt. And embarrassed. Humiliation at holding my hand out to someone who makes sure they are present where I am, but who refuses to talk or work anything out.

I literally don't know what he wants. I don't know what to do. So I am doing nothing to change status quo. I am starting therapy in the coming week. In the meantime, I feel sad, bad, baffled, and a big part of me want to close Skype again and not come back for a year. But I also don't want to "abandon". I know he wants something from me, or he wouldn't be there. I just don't know what it is.

I feel afraid, too. Very anxious.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[EaglesJuju]

I am sorry that you are going through this.    I understand how brutal the silent treatment is.

You are right, it is his behavior and choice to act in this manner. What changes your thinking to make you become affected by his behavior?

The silent treatment is my Achilles Heel. I have struggled with coping with it in the past. Much of my struggle was attributed to that I was thinking this was the behavior of a non-disordered person.  I would actually give myself more anxiety worrying about what I did to receive the silent treatment.  I had a lot of wavering thoughts, such as why would someone I love so much treat me so terribly or why do I keep tolerating this?  Although I do not like the silent treatment and find it hurtful, the way it affected me had to do with my own issues. I have a tendency at times to let my emotions take over my rationality and logic. Rationally, I know that this is the behavior of a pwBPD, but my emotions tell me otherwise. I started doing mindfulness to help balance my emotions and rationality. I still have issues when my emotions take over, but it has lessened with mindfulness. When I get into wisemind, I am able to look at the situation objectively. 

Did you always reach out to him in the past when he was giving you the silent treatment?

[vortex of confusion]

 

Wanted to offer some words of support. Understanding something isn't the same as it not having an impact on you. There are a lot of things that I understand but they still hurt and I still get angry. Given the situation that you are in, it makes perfect sense to be hurt and angry.

Trying to talk myself out of being hurt and angry didn't help at all. I found it helpful to deal with my anger and hurt on my own. Basically, separate my feelings from my husband and find healthy ways of getting them out without making the situation worse. Sometimes, it is easier said than done.

[Daniell85]

Eaglesjuju, I always have reached out to him. What happens then, is he takes the stance of having power over me. He blames the reason for his silent treatment/ disregulation on me. Because I have been so terrible. He says no matter what is done to me, I never have the "excuse" of it as a reason for my offensive reactions.

What I usually do at the point is take the blame while he says things like oh, he's not sure if I have actually changed, he's not sure he can have someone like me in his life who causes so many problems... .implies if I don't toe the line, we are done.

He's extremely intolerant to other people's anger, and views being asked to take responsibility for his actions as "blaming". He hates being "blamed".

What changes my thinking... .ok, I realize this is coming from my feelings and not my intellect... the way he is treating me. With contempt, it seems. I am so disgusting that he can't even speak to me. We have a long history of this, sometimes he has told me he can't even stand the sight of me. And this is when HE got caught lying or cheating, or raging or breaking his word, and I confronted him... .he rages, I get upset and I am so awful for my upset... I am too sickening to even look at. He will talk to anyone else, he will tell people ugly things about me. Tell them personal things ( to support this view I am terrible)  and I really hate that.

Trying to talk to him is not effective. So right now, knowing more and more about the BPD, my head and feelings are kind of wavering back and forth. I am used to being made the totally crappy person who got upset at being cheated on, etc. And being cheated on is never as morally low as telling him he was a jerk for doing it.

Short answer: he won't re-engage unless he makes sure I will accept the blame for the latest upset.

I am sat here, wanting to have things ok, but I am also resisting holding my hand out more than I have already. Either way, right now to me, it feels bad. I also am really sad that I didn't know these tools for BPD before. I could easily have avoided the latest upset. When he is calmer he is wonderful. When he is upset, he is really awful.

I spent about 6 months last year with a therapist. She was Buddhist, and worked with people who have ptsd, BPD, etc. I learned enough from her to manage my panic attacks better. As I have been able to do that, things have gotten better with my boyfriend, because most of the time when I feel the level of stress rise, I just excuse myself and he is typically fine with that. It's just when he suddenly gets mad and bullying, I don't have time to back out before I am reacting. It always ends badly.

I don't know what to say to someone who is threatening me with doing silent treatment. I know he wants me to cower and shut up, and I am meeting major resistance in myself to cave to threats and aggression. I guess I always have something smart to say like "I don't like that" or "don't do that".  Any response at all, and he does it... .blocks me, then followed by a major episode of ST.

It's just scares me, panics me, and I do get really angry because I am thinking WHY when he KNOWS he has caused us so many problems, WHY does he feels he is right to treat me like that? Like hasn't what he already did enough? When is he satisfied at how much hurt he is causing? Yes, I am getting caught in the perspective he is normal.

Vortex of confusion: I don't know how to deal with my hurt on my own beyond a certain point. He is so nasty and disrespectful to me for the hurt I feel from his cheating. He is so angry at me for my anxiety and hurt and lack of trust. Even while he is demanding trust, he is breaking trust.

I have been defaulting for months to telling him I really want to be closer to him, and it's up to him how close, because I can't be close to someone who is dishonest with me. I can't be close to someone who threatens me. Then I show him that by going quiet a few days. He has the option of making contact, but mostly he refuses. When he does, I do respond kindly. He feels I am forcing him to do things and is extremely resentful.

I feel really worn out. Like tonight, I can look on Skype and see him pop up, then back to "invisible". I don't even know. He has told me when he is ST, he is NOT ST, he just doesn't feel like talking. He feels really bad himself. He says eventually I will say something that breaks him out of it and then he is willing to talk.

I don't know what to do. I am pretty low from all of the rejection.

thanks for your both of thoughts and the hugs 

[waverider]

It is clear there is a lot of toxicity in this relationship, but what is in it for you that makes you want to continue recycling it like this.?

A few tweaks using validations and tools gleaned here will not cease his behavior overnight.

You need to dig deep inside of you and work out why you choose to go through this. Is there a happy ending? Is it default? Is it fear?

You have a big task in front of you to create a worthwhile future, you will need a solid understanding of why this is your choice in order to stay the course. He is not going to lead.

[letmeout]

I spent 35 years of my life with my BPD ex, I always always thought he would get better, but he just kept getting worse the older he got.

When I discovered that I didn't have to live that way anymore, I left and initiated permanent no contact. It was the only way I was able to free myself  and get back to a positive, better way of thinking.

This obsession can't be good for you; it is good that you are going back to therapy.

[DreamerGirl]

Daniell85 I know the feeling.  It hurts so much when they cut us off and ignore us, like we mean nothing to them.

Rationally we know it is there mal-adaptive coping system to do this, but that does not take away the hurt and anger.

I found the last ST I endured really made me angry.

Digging deep into my anger, I found I was actually angry at myself.  Angry that I am accepting this treatment, angry that I do not have the self esteem or self belief to not allow someone else to do this to me.  I feel ashamed to be this needy or desperate to accept this behavior, I feel I don't deserve to be with someone who his emotionally healthy, because I am not good enough. 

My last breakup was less than a week ago.

It's all honeymoon and roses at the moment.  On the outside for me only.

I have started to turn the corner, slowly.  I can see this is about me, more than him now.

I am emotionally starting to detach.  He does not know this, he doesn't need too.  This is about me, this is about me getting stronger and into a mentally better place where I can walk when I need too, instead of feeling utterly devastated and rejected when he goes into Silent Treatment to punish me for his bad behavior, my sins have usually been I spoke out against his bad behavior. 

My advice and I know how hard this is on you, is that you find something that helps you to build up your self esteem.  Anything.  Bit by bit, the stronger you get, the weaker his hold on you will be.  That's what I'm doing.  I gave in to the last silent treatment he gave me, all due to his behavior, but he turned it all around and I knew he would do this, so I just let this one go, I realize I am not quite strong enough without him at this time, so on the side, I am taking little steps and building my strength for me and my future happiness.

[Daniell85]

I am pretty low today, so please bear with me. I am trying to avoid "victim" mentality. It's hard.

Waverider, a lot of what kept me trying, was my confusion over the way he thinks. It didn't make sense to me that he couldn't see he was causing the problems and being really ugly to me over the repercussions emotionally.

I suppose in his favor, he has rarely approached me aggressively on his own. Maybe in the last 4 years, he has done that about 5 or 6 times. So if left to himself and not stressed, at worst, he will retreat into his own world. If I approach him when he is like that and I am neutral or supportive, he never lashes out at me. Ever.

Every once in a while, I have gotten rattled at his actions, which trigger off a ton of anxiety for me, and I will approach him in an upset state and this is the point when he can get very angry and aggressive. His take is he is having a crappy life, he is minding his own business, living his day and what the heck is Danielle's problem crawling all over him. Depending on how tired and angry he already is, he can show moderate upset to outright raging... which shows itself as a refusal to respond, a cruel and vindictive comment, or a threat to dump me or block me.

Usually when there is a big episode like this, he does tell me "we are done!"

This time he didn't. I think he actually just lost it on me, then regretted it soon after, but is too stubborn and defensive to simply extend his hand to me, say he is sorry, and unblock me. I know he is ashamed and down on himself and he knows really it isn't my fault, but I guess it's easier to punish me for "making" him mad than it is to handle it any other way.

Also, he comes from a horrible family situation. Essentially he was bullied, was majorly twisting his life around ( kind of like I have been for him) and trying to please literally 10 people at once who had opposite demands from everyone else. They really beat him up for years and years. He is extremely angry. He feels they have crippled his life. He says they have manipulated him into a life position where he literally cannot get out of it and is so stuck it's  being trapped. He sees no end in sight of it.

End result he is furious and resistant to anyone he thinks (me!) is trying to get him to do something, even when it's appropriate or sensible to do it.  He has to "think about it" for weeks, months, years... .basically until he is sure there is zero "demand" on him. Then he does it.

His family situation at this point is he is helping support about 5 relatives. His mom, sister, his brother's widow and her 2 kids. This is part of his reason for not leaving his current job. ( and get away from the affair women) He thinks he has to take a leap of faith that could leave him in a worse situation.

He thinks no one cares how much he is suffering. He is bitter and angry.

I am not sure what I can achieve in terms of him. I tend to be the one getting the brunt of his frustration and when he gets that way, he is vile.

All I see I can do is work to detach so he is not effecting me so badly. I guess I just figured if I got myself better then maybe I could see how to go on this. What keeps tripping me up is my anxiety and hurt from his cheating. I'm just not over it.

And yes,  I am very angry about allowing myself to be treated so badly. I always wanted to understand and work with him. He is so resentful and angry I don't have much luck on that. He just sees me panicking, and upset at him, and it makes him so upset with me, he lashes out, which is the exact opposite of what I need.

I never allow anyone else to treat me like this. Ever. Family, friends, whoever. Why does he get the extra chances? I just have loved him so much, and I guess I thought he would see that generally I mean well. It seems he doesn't see me that way at all.

I feel sad, and I feel angry. But I don't feel right now like sweet talking him into acknowledging my existence. It would take 10 tries. Maybe more and I feel humiliated at the thought of it atm.

[waverider]

That pattern of behavior with a history of endless drama and being "bullied" etc is very typical

All I see I can do is work to detach so he is not effecting me so badly. I guess I just figured if I got myself better then maybe I could see how to go on this. What keeps tripping me up is my anxiety and hurt from his cheating. I'm just not over it.

This is were your efforts need to go. Until you develop this you will stay stuck

And yes,  I am very angry about allowing myself to be treated so badly. I always wanted to understand and work with him. He is so resentful and angry I don't have much luck on that. He just sees me panicking, and upset at him, and it makes him so upset with me, he lashes out, which is the exact opposite of what I need.

A bit like trying to give a hug to a suicide bomber

[Daniell85]

I am stuck right now. I am stuck in the feeling that he must think I am absolutely worthless. It's really hard to get past. I am just not able to put myself out there for him and it's scary to think of a lifetime of this.

Tired sad evening, I guess.

[vortex of confusion]

I am stuck right now. I am stuck in the feeling that he must think I am absolutely worthless. It's really hard to get past. I am just not able to put myself out there for him and it's scary to think of a lifetime of this.

Tired sad evening, I guess.

 

Don't put  yourself out there for him. Take care of yourself. Is there something that you love to do that you haven't done in a while? A bubble bath? A nice quiet drive? Listening to music?

Further up in the thread, you said that you didn't know how to deal with the hurt on your own past a certain point. Is there somebody in real life that can listen to you and talk to you?

Have you thought about why what he thinks about you is so important? How do YOU feel about you?

[Daniell85]

I talk to my mom a lot. She is super supportive. And I am starting therapy this coming Wednesday. Hopefully the therapist and I can make some good progress on things.

I was going to go to bed and read. I have a beautiful cat, and she likes to come with me.

When I met my boyfriend... it was like all of my life, I never really loved someone and he came along. I never wanted to please anyone as much I have him. I wanted him to always think well of me. And he did. For 2 years.

Then he began to get immense pressure from his family, and his way of coping was to cheat. All sorts of bugs came crawling out of the wall and I was in total disbelief. I kept thinking it was a terrible misunderstanding.

I just wanted him to love me the way I love him. It seems hugely incompatible, this love, with what he has been doing and has done. The hardest thing for me, really, is how angry and critical and rejecting he is of me for me showing how hurt and angry I have been.

What do I do with it? It seems self immolation to go quiet on it and act like it's all in the past. Like all he had to do was abuse me into fear and silence and that's all ok with him.  The more he's done it, the more upset I have gotten, and the angrier and more impatient he has become.

I can see it's a damaging circle.

Lots of thoughts in my head :/  I will go read. Thank you so much for your words, they mean a lot to me.

[willemina]

Danell54, I am having a hard evening too. Not everyday is the same, weekends are harder. I feel like my exBPD boyfriend thinks I'm an idiot but isn't that the way some Bpd's make you feel? Anyway, the hard things is he was right about some things, I do a lot of stupid things. I have to admit somethings needed improvement or changed. I am at times angry with myself. Do you feel angry at yourself? I'm just putting it all out there because I wANT, no I Need to get better. He may never come back, I may never get to tell him things I have in my head. This silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse. Maybe that is not what this is, I am not sure yet, because this is the 1st time this has ever happened. I believe you said this has happened to you several times in 4 years. Its soo draining. They have the problems, but now I am begging to admit, I am a mess too, but in different ways. I never wanted to admit I hurt him, like he hurt me, but I did hurt him and in a relationship you should be able to say Im sorry and move on. Being cut out of his life is painful and all I've been doing today is thinking about all the things he told me I did wrong. He seems to have a threshold for pressure and bam, that is it.

well, Daniell54, it gets better, it has to. we seems to be on here a lot and this is a healing time. Tomorrow will be a better day

[Daniell85]

willemina, I have been angry at myself. The reason I have been angry is because I would show upset... anger, pain, confront him, and he would give me silent treatment. Hours, days, a week. Eventually he blocks me, with the statement I am to blame for his actions because I am so terrible. Then I get mad at myself for showing him how upset at I am.

Oh, if only I was calm all the time. Even when I am upset. My self blame, anger, despair. Self hatred for being the cause of losing the one I truly love, oh, if I were a better woman, or kinder, or more patient, my dear love would be happy with me and kind and tolerant and he would be talking to me!

I think probably everyone has room for improvement. I really, really, hope you are not going through what I went through. Yes, maybe you were upfront with your guy. Open, honest... .and instead of trying to work through it with you, off he bolts, vowing never to speak to you again because you were so awful!

You are not awful. He can't cope with his fear of losing you and the fear he will die if he does. How is that your fault? And you didn't know he has BPD issues or how to communicate in a way more likely to have a positive outcome for you. Not your fault. So you come here and learn some more effective ways to talk and act if you are going to try and be with a BPD person.

Really, do not get down on yourself.

My feelings about all of this are evolving day by day. I am accepting there is a big issue here and that it's my boyfriend's issue. I have regret and frustration that I didn't understand what the problem way sooner, so I got hurt and demoralized, and disrespected, treated as sub human at times, AND told it was all my fault... .which still is really ticking me off. I am angry about that, though I don't feel the need to give him a talking to for it.

I just wish I had caught on sooner. The last 2 years have been really destructive to me. It's going to take me some time to process that. In terms of my boyfriend, I suppose it may seem unkind, but I am sitting here thinking to him, "calm your own self down!"

Still love him very much, and I want to be able to stay. I need some time, though, to work my head through what's happened, what is, and what I can do.

[letmeout]

Holding on to a failed relationship will never allow you to move forward and find true love. Spend time having fun with family and friends and allow yourself to grieve and accept the relationship is over. Understand why you were attracted to and hung onto a BPD person. Time heals.

[Daniell85]

 

I guess the relationship is over in the form it has been. I know he isn't ready to call it quits. I'm not either.

I am saying I need time to absorb the BPD information and figure out a way forward. I don't want to do what I have done in the past.

Staying board, remember. 

[vortex of confusion]

I guess the relationship is over in the form it has been. I know he isn't ready to call it quits. I'm not either.

I am saying I need time to absorb the BPD information and figure out a way forward. I don't want to do what I have done in the past.

Staying board, remember. 

 

I know I had to spend some time grieving over my relationship. The grief wasn't the fact that the relationship was over, it was the fact that I will never have the relationship that I thought I had or wanted to have. There is still a relationship. It just isn't what I thought it was. It is reading the information, absorbing it, and trying to work with what I have rather than trying to change my partner.

It takes time and you will likely experience lots of grief and anger and sadness and whole range of emotions. All of those are very normal feelings. Let yourself feel them as you try to get a grip on things and figure out how to move forward.

[rob95]

Daniell85,

First of all, I am so sorry that you are going through this.

I have just started navigating a relationship with a BPD... . I am married with three children with my lovely wife.  I get both sides of the coin.  There is no one in the world that can make me feel the way she does.  She is the prettiest thing that I have ever seen, and when we are good... .I am in the highest cloud.  But, on the flip side, I am in an abusive relationship: Verbal, physical, emotional.  Terrible rages that last days.

The good news is, I have been able to stop the abuse, and even at times have been able to bring out the loving partner in the worst circumstances.

The key is... .TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.  You know why?  It's not about you.  They don't make their decisions because of your actions.  Even if you are perfect in their mind, you still  can't win.  Because of BPD, thy are always looking for the other shoe to drop and waiting for the next infraction.  You need to accept that, if you want to be with that person.

That was a hard reality for me, I am married to that person with three kids.  There are no outs for me.  But, in less than a month, I have made significant progress with my partner.  You know how?  I joined a tennis league.  I made friends with my kid's parents and had a lot of play dates.  I went to a concert.

I invited by wife to all of these opportunities, she declined at the start.  But, I still did them, guilt free.  I even took one of her friends (that she trusts) to the concert.  I didn't betray her trust, but I started living my life.  When you start living your life, that creates boundaries that give you confidence (something that I am sadly lacking), and gives your partner a frame that they know how to operate in.

Again, I am new to this, but I am very encouraged by the results of the "take care of yourself" plan.  

I hope things work for you... Cheers!

rd

[Daniell85]

I moved last fall to a new town. There have been some crisis in my family that began right after I moved.

Between work, my family, and boyfriend, I haven't had the will to make new friends here. I wish I had already. I totally get that having a support network would really dilute the effect of all of this on me. Really exhausted, hopefully I will have some extra time and energy soon. 

rob95, I am really happy to hear you are finding ways to cope and improve things.

My boyfriend can be really awesome, too. Absolutely gorgeous is so many ways, then the switch flips and off we go! I am optimistic that I can apply the lessons. I don't know when I will be able to, obviously, since he is unwilling to talk right now.

I think a little time would help both of us. I am still pretty upset. Sadly, my panic disorder flared up badly and I have been having some really terrible panic attacks. It's so frustrating to have them. They are a big red flag to me that I am at my limits.

Vortex, yes, the tears. We began like a fairy tale. Then all of this happened. I do think about how it "might have been".  My fairy tale into a bad dream. I feel angry, then sad. I want to cut him out of my life for it, then I remember how upset he gets because he faces himself in another failure of self control. It's all very sad for him, too.

I am one of those people who need to decide what I am going to do when conflict rises. How to respond effectively. That is where I am weak. If I feel someone getting aggressive with me, I have a really hard time doing much of anything except getting really upset. Not helpful