Massive public scene/outrageous behaviour

[RoseB]

My gf and I have been together over a year. She was diagnosed last year, hasn't received much therapy or responded to medication. Yesterday was the first dramatic episode in nearly four months. And boy was it a big one. We were at a beach music festival with my friends and family. About 2000 people there. She had gone off alone to the toilet and been gone about 10 minutes. After she returned my friend and I need to go to the bathroom too so I asked her if she wanted to come with us and maybe get an ice cream too. She immediately said no and was very huffy that I was going with my friend. So I said we'd be back in a few minutes. When I returned she spent about half an hour pretending to cry. There were no tears. Then I tried talking to her nicely about why it had upset her. She wasn't happy that I'd left her - even though I offered her to come. She'd been drinking but wasn't very drunk. Anyway. She started screaming and shouting and waving her glass bottle around alarming everyone. She then stormed out of the area where we were and began walking towards the sea. My mum alerted the security knowing her mental health issues. Before I knew it she had stripped off and was swimming out to sea. About half a mile out. Police and lifeguards were all over the beach trying to get her back. A lifeboat and AIR SEA RESCUE HELICOPTER showed up. Meanwhile the people from the festival had flocked onto the beach in horror at what was going on. She was rescued and taken to hospital. I went with her. Everything was okay until she started accusing me of not going in the sea after her, why didn't of follow her etc etc. She started being very nasty about it. I tried being calm and explaining that it was best for the lifeguards to go but she wouldn't accept this. I ended up leaving the hospital and she followed me in a stalk like manner. I told her I couldnt be with her anymore and that i deserve better than this. She tried physically restraining me so I couldn't leave. Passers by had to pull her off me and threatened her with the police unless she stopped. I haven't spoken to her since this happened yesterday.

I love my gf but this kind of behaviour isn't acceptable. I don't want the relationship to end because I hope she can improve. This was the first crazy episode for a while. But I don't know if staying will accomplish anything

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Lifewriter16]

Hi there RoseB,

What an awful experience you've been through. I imagine you are not the only person traumatised by your gf's cry for attention.

It seems to me that you have very good instincts about your situation and that you must trust that intuition. You know what you need to do already. You don't like what you need to do, but you know, nevertheless. Imagine a lifetime of this sort of behaviour. How would that feel? Could you handle it? Could anyone handle it?

I understand the hope that your gf will improve as I've been there too. It would save you from a broken heart. However, she's got a very long way to go before she'd be any where near 'normal' and you'll suffer from a broken heart every time you recycle. I spent months stuck in fear, obligation and guilt with a BPDxbf whose stunts are tame by comparison and, very gradually, I started becoming ill too. In the end, we were recycling every fortnight over a period of 10 weeks. I cried and cried and cried, every time. It just wasn't worth it. Eventually, I had to let him go with love and accept he'd hate me for it.

Trust yourself but remember to accept your own learning process. None of us do this perfectly, we are all learning and growing through these traumatic experiences.

Best wishes

Lifewriter

[babyducks]

Hi RoseB,

You had a very difficult day yesterday.   That had to be a gut churning series of events.   I am glad your Mum and friends where there to offer you support.  How are you feeling today?  Have you been able to eat and sleep?

I noticed that you also posted this on the undecided board.   That's good because you are going to get a whole different perspective from the folks on undecided than you will from those of us on staying.    It will be up to you to sort through the opinions to see what best suits you and your situation.   None of us can tell you what is best for you.   

Lifewriter16 raised some good points.   Your gf is in a very low phase of her illness right now, and you said she hasn't received much therapy or responded to medication so Lifewriter16 is 100% spot on, your GF has a long way to go to put episodes like this one firmly and completely behind her.

I actually remember your last post here back in April when you described her being kicked out university and her trying to kill herself in the university toilets.   So I understand that your relationship has had some serious ups and downs this year.

If you continue in the r/s with her, it would be my advice that you do so with your eyes wide open.   And with the following understandings.

Understand that your partner has a serious mental illness that is characterized by unstable and intense interpersonal relationships. Your partner did not create this disorder. Recovering from this disorder is a significant personal challenge as is recovering from any mental disorder.  There will be good days and bad days.

Understand that it will not magically go away.

Understand that just as if your partner had cancer, or some other major physical limitation it will require you to accept and change to accommodate what she can deal with right now today.

Understand you will have to invest your own time and energy to learn about BPD and the communications skill and personality traits to deal with it.  That is a very big commitment.

Understand that the cycle of drama is very bad for both of you.   The break ups/recycling that Lifewriter16 so very well described are traumatic and very damaging.   Once a decision has been reached, to stay or to go, every effort should be made to stick to that decision.   It's okay to be undecided.  Anyone would be.  It's okay to take time to carefully think through what going on.   It's okay to say to your g/f,  I need a few days to process what has happened, I will call you again next weekend.   This is serious stuff.     Fortunately she was rescued yesterday.   All of us here on these boards know of people who weren't reached in time.   

We can help.   AnOught said it really well to you back in April so I am going to follow up on that.

Maintaining your own support system is vital! The LESSONS contain the key workshops with skills to handle a BPD relationship. It is a lot and it takes time to sink in. It takes practice to make it work - there is no shortcut to skill learning but discussing your problems on the board can accelerate it. Have you considered a T for yourself?

It does sound patiently unfair to suggest that while your g/f is the one with the illness you are the one who has to 'do the work'.   It's not that you are doing anything wrong.  It is more that by coming here, and posting and reading the lessons and by seeing a therapist of your own you can bolster your own strength and increase your own already positive traits.

It's a uniquely personal decision.   We all understand because we have all made it.   Take your time,   Think about it.  Really think about it, and don't be driven by any emotional storm that might be going on at the moment.

good luck and we are always here.

'ducks

[maxsterling]

Wow, I am truly sorry this happened.  About all I can say is we are here for you and we understand.  Trust me, many of us have been through similar. 

What kind of things can you do for yourself right now to help you recover from this traumatic event?

[RoseB]

Thank you all for the replies   It's amazing to hear from people who have an actual understanding because my family and friends usually don't understand. The main thing they don't understand (aside from her behaviours) is the reasons why I haven't left her. They think she is pretty much evil and immature. But they don't see the lovely sides of her. And so the dramatic episodes overshadow all the good for them. It's causing a lot of tension between me and my Mum at the minute, but there's not much I can do about that.

I've spoken to my gf today, she came over. Before she came round I sent a quite stern message saying how I won't always be able to tolerate this kind of behaviour, and that if she wants the relationship to work its not fair for her to try to blame me for her actions/make me feel guilty for not going into the sea! I told her that while I understand its hard for her to contain her emotions, her behaviours are her responsibility. It set the tone for the face to face conversation which went pretty well. She seemed very regretful and kind of mortified at how out of control things had got. She said she felt left out and like I didn't care about her (because I went with my friend to the toilet while she chose to stay behind). I simply told her that in life things like that are going to happen, and that if she cant deal with it, she could have at least come with the two of us to the bathroom to avoid being left alone. I said I want to be able to do nice social things with her and others, but its not going to be possible if she behaves like she did yesterday. Overall we were both able to get our points across in a civil way. We've decided to stay together, but at least she knows my limits. Luckily she has been put on a waiting list to get DBT. I hope things stay stable for a while, but its just like waiting for the next awful thing to happen.

[babyducks]

I hope things stay stable for a while, but its just like waiting for the next awful thing to happen.

Hi Rose B,

I am glad to hear that things are calmer today for your gf and in your r/s.   

I am wondering if you have given any thought to Max's question?

What kind of things can you do for yourself right now to help you recover from this traumatic event?

'ducks

[RoseB]

Well I've spoken to some of my friends about the situation. And now I'm just taking some time by myself. And my mum has told me to join a meditation class as she thinks that will help me cope with dealing with her. Not sure though. Louises (gf) family have found out about the incident by being contacted from the police. They also heard about it in the local news. I have informed them that she has BPD. They knew something was wrong with her but didn't know any details. Hopefully they can start becoming more supportive now so that it's not all on me.

[waverider]

I've spoken to my gf today, she came over. Before she came round I sent a quite stern message saying how I won't always be able to tolerate this kind of behaviour, and that if she wants the relationship to work its not fair for her to try to blame me for her actions/make me feel guilty for not going into the sea! I told her that while I understand its hard for her to contain her emotions, her behaviours are her responsibility.

How are you going to enforce this or prevent yourself from being exposed to such a situation? Explaining the unfairness of it wont mean a jot next time she starts to dysregulates.

How will you ensure you are not right back at having this conversation again?

What changes are YOU going to make?

I went through similar with endless overdoses. It only ended after each time i progressively left her alone to deal with it. ie wouldn't pick her up from hospital, then wasn't at home, then stay away 1 day, then 2 days. She had to choose drama or abandonment.

The choice needs to be black and white, negotiated soloutions are not powerful enough to hold for long

[RoseB]

I know. I want to be able to just leave her when things kick off. But I also worry for her safety and I don't want her to die. Maybe just alerting the emergency services is enough? And not following her to hospital or something like you described. These incidents used to happen a lot more frequently, until she was kicked out of university. There's been a 4 month gap when things have been fairly stable for her. Obviously I don't want a life like this, and every time something happens it makes me want to follow her less and less.

[waverider]

I know. I want to be able to just leave her when things kick off. But I also worry for her safety and I don't want her to die. Maybe just alerting the emergency services is enough? And not following her to hospital or something like you described. These incidents used to happen a lot more frequently, until she was kicked out of university. There's been a 4 month gap when things have been fairly stable for her. Obviously I don't want a life like this, and every time something happens it makes me want to follow her less and less.

Our situation escalated to having ambulance call outs 3 times in one week, there were about 30 in 12 months. I ended up stating that you took the OD, it was your choice, you know what you took, you call them, I am going out and don't call me to pick you up from the hospital, that was your choice.

Reality is there is nothing you can do, you only end up feeling used and resentful.

You will get accused of not caring, but that is intended to send you into JADE mode, taking your self control away from you, so that you join in the chaos, and hence normalizing it. It is hard for someone to own anything if it is easy to share it.

[RoseB]

What is your relationship like now? Has completely stepping back helped? I really want to be able to do that and I understand that I could be part of the cycle of these behaviours.

[waverider]

What is your relationship like now?

Improved greatly to the point we just got married this weekend

Has completely stepping back helped? I really want to be able to do that and I understand that I could be part of the cycle of these behaviours. [/quote]
It created mayhem at first, hence I would suggest doing it consistent stages. Certainly not inconsistently depending on pressure applied, otherwise that just teaches them to apply pressure (INTERMITTENT REINFORCEMENT).

You are looking to slowly build boundaries. Make it about you, protecting your own mental welfare.

Otherwise the same dram brings the same rescuing, and it becomes all about an addicting to being rescued, as an action rather than as result. ie They dont want to be "rescued" they want the action of rescuing. If there is chaos around them then the chaos in their mind is normalized by their equally chaotic environmental benchmarks.