Outbursts more rare, still hard :(

[isilme]

can't really get into much, the dysregulation  storm is still raging, but need to take a minute to get a bit out while I can.  FI had a rough week, month, and has been recovering from abuse at work that he left nine months back. Surprisingly he applied, got, and has maintained a job he got one moment later, but keeps threatening to quit.  We have been planning a wedding elopement in an all inclusive in the carribbean, to avoid family stress, and I got his okay to actually put money down for reservations and such.  Then he got tagged to basically fund his 20 high school reunion, and the irritation at all the ppl supposed to be helping but we're flakes just got transferred to me tonight (reunion was last nigh).  I know he's tired.  I know he's stressed, Sunday's always make him depressed, and that a lot of what he is throwing at me is projection from his own head, and things he is angry about for other people.  He knows I was homeless as a teenager, and after a long time of not doing this, pretty much tried to kick me out and cancel the wedding... .All because I opened the door too wide for the pizza delivery guy.  He's always worried the door open too wide means someone will come steal our stuff.  We live in a region where thefts are not uncommon, and I follow his wishes as possible, but any delivery means the door will need to open enough to get the box in.  Compounding things,his order was wrong, requiring me to call the, back and request a new pizza, which is now cold uneaten in the kitchen.  I tried validation, too advantage of being 'kicked out' for an hour to take a walk,  but I am tired, and trying to mana ge my emotions to keep from making things worse is really hard.  I put in a lot of work this week to pick up the slack for the reunion ppl, and to get everything good yesterday, but I am painted black right now, and want to go cry, but that just makes it worse.  Sorry, just needed to write a bit.  Helps. 

I think the deposits on the wedding may have made it too real, and know seeing his parents who don't take care of themselves makes days like this hard, and he's always got a slew of issues from the past that feel like yesterday to bring up in fights, so no matter how I've been for the last 10-15 years, anything from day one gets thrown in my face.  I supported us with help from his mom and dad for about 7 years.  They helped me when I was kicked out at 19 and then-BF was not working.  He resents those years and that it was impossible to hide that I word and he didn't.  Now, even though rightfully scarred from his physically and emotionally abusive ex boss (they let her get away with grabbing and shoving ppl because she's a woman), he has given up on much, and has taken to threatening suicide.  He will not call any hotline, so don't give me the number.  I've got it already, but know when I hit rock bottom and was suicidal myself, I'd never have called.  Anyway.  Things overall had been good, even though stressed, but it was bound to blow I guess. 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[isilme]

Sorry for typos, tablet makes me sound illiterate.

[Daniell85]

  What a tough day for you. 

I just want you to know someone is here, and hears you, even if I don't have any advice.

[isilme]

Daniell85,

Thanks.  Since I was little I've written my thoughts to get them straight, but when I was kicked out at 19, my father found a newly finished diary I'd left at "home", forgetting about it when I went to grab my stuff to take to the dorms, and photocopied the pages and sent out what he thought was racy material for a 19 year old girl in her first relationship to his family and my the BF-now-FI's family so everyone would brand me a whore and not give me any safe harbor.  HE wanted me (his words) to come "crawling back on my hands and knees in a fit of depression".  So I cannot ever seem to write in a traditional journal again.  I've made some starts, but the end result is always me tearing up pages and throwing it away.

That diary is one thing FI threw in my face, metaphorically, last night, about how I forever embarrassed him by daring to write about things in a place I thought at 19 was private.  Anything that is ever done that her perceives as wrong is obviously done on purpose, so I apparently WANTED to be embarrassed, violated and betrayed by leaving my diary behind (I'd just started a new on). 

Honestly, the teapot just has to blow at some point.  With all going on from the reunion, any visit to his ailing parents, healing from the job abuse, trying to feel like working again, and now committing to a wedding , he's all out of whack.  The pizza being wrong and then the door being left open enough for the pizza guy to see him and into the house was just the straw on the camels back. 

Getting the silent treatment now.  He's in the All of my anger is totally justified but self loathing state I think.  Sigh. 

[Daniell85]

Does he have an anxiety disorder? He sounds like he is suffering from terrible anxiety and panic attacks.

I have a panic disorder and at it's worst I was having attacks over everything that moved, it was really debilitating. I was living alone at the time, but I think it would have been really hard for someone to watch and not know what to do. One of the hugest frustrations for me at that time was I never knew when they would hit, and it is very easy to have an outburst if you are interacting with someone in the middle of the panic attack. It can easily look like a tantrum or something. It really isn't. And it truly feels like you can't control them and you KNOW you will have another one, it's just a matter of when.

In this case, you are the person watching him. You sound like you are trying to be the calm in the storm. It's wearing on you.   Obviously.

I kept a journal from about the time I was 15 years old until a few years ago. I think about doing it these days, because it was so cathartic writing things out. The act of the writing, old fashioned pen to paper. A beautiful little book. I even had a special fountain pen that had purple (my favorite color!) ink. It was a quiet pleasure.

You do sound like you really miss that. I am so sorry your father was so disrespectful to you. 

You said you have a tablet? There are apps for keeping a diary/journal on a tablet. If you are used to carrying the tablet around, and your guy is used to seeing you with it, then possibly you could use your tablet to journal without drawing unwanted attention. You can also password protect.

A thought to consider, maybe

[isilme]

Daniell85,

Yes - all FI's siblings and he have forms of debilitating anxiety.  He refuses to see anyone about it, especially after last year's work dramas, because he fears that if it was known he was seeking any treatment at all, confidentiality be damned, it would be sued against him.  One of the worst things his boss did was basically slander him, pretending he was threatening her at work, while I know it was the other way around (I witnessed her switch attitudes based on who was present, from ailing, victimish older woman, to viper, which made her scary to me, much like my mother who could prey on sympathy, sex and age to get her "marks" to do what she pleased, until they realized how off she was in her behaviors and requests). His boss would grab him, shove him, and push him, literally, physically, when angered.  And all it took to anger her was to ask her a question.  She did not know how to do her job, and has blackmailed her way into her position, and FI really wanted to accomplish tasks for his dept., and she was a hinderance to that.  She took him asking questions she couldn't answer as being "insubordinate", and blackballed him.

I am very proud of him for getting a job again after leaving the past one before she could manipulate the system and get him fired (as she was trying to do.  I have since spoken to others who worked with her - she "has something" on the place of work where she can get by with almost anything).  I know it was very hard on him, and have tried and tried to be as supportive as I can, from taking off work myself to drive him 5 hours to required training (Texas is big), because I knew he could not handle it.  I don't really like it, but I know I am his security blanket at times.  His panic attacks are bad on Sundays, because he fears going to school/work, and has for years.  I know a lot of last night was frustration from taking on so much responsibility for the reunion bubbling over, and a combination of it being Sunday, and seeing his parents who depress him because they don't take care of themselves, and the pizza thing was just the tip of the iceberg.

No one else has seen how hard it is to get him out of bed each day, and to get him back after lunch.  I know his emotional limits are high, and had hoped that something to look forward to, wedding or no, like a trip to the Caribbean, would be light in the tunnel.  He complains that we never have done anything like take a real vacation, ever, in the 19 years we've been together.  I think we can swing it, but now he is insisting on everything ever needed for the house be fixed, first.  Making me question his desire to get married of course.  I'm scared, now, that he will just find reasons to not go, from not wanting someone to come watch the pets to saying the house needs more lights and door locks before he will leave it.  I've had some projects planned, but wanted to do them with him, but he is punishing me by expecting me to take care of getting his car fixed and also getting lights installed on the house, and new locks and anti kick door plates installed.  I'd been waiting for him to feel like going with me to pick out lights, but apparently I was supposed to read his mind and have it done years ago.  This of course comes after years of being told to stop doing things for the house without his involvement or permission.  It's a BPD lose lose scenario, where nothing I do is right, or good enough.

He's been weaning himself off his St. John's Wart - he'd been taking many a day to help with the severe anxiety and depression from the job abuse, and the new job.  I think he didn't take any this last week, maybe one every now and then, so again, he's all rough edges.  

Last night culminated in the tired proclamation that he wants to go away where no one knows him and start over, he has nothing to be proud of, has nothing in his life worthwhile, and has not accomplished anything.  His dreams had been to break into comics art or writing, or novel writing, but of course, cannot apply himself to anything, denigrates himself, and second guesses himself to a point where he is paralyzed.  He has a portrait he promised a friend a year ago he has still not finished.  It was for her birthday last year, and he has since promised her two this year.  He has a start on one.  He has a report due tomorrow or Wednesday that he put on hold to deal with reunion crap, and now is stressed about getting it done.  He can't handle this, I know, but I can't do it all for him.  I might be able to whip up a watercolor as the second painting (we are both artists), but that could also backfire and insult him for me to offer, try, or do.  Eggshells are everywhere this week.  

[isilme]

journal writing - I come here to write.  This alias is far removed from any others I use, and I fear even to type on my tablet, preferring to (sadly) use work time away from FI to write.  I have my own triggers, and him finding me writing about him in any way makes him upset.  I was afraid to mark us as engaged on Facebook when he proposed, knowing he hates me to mention anything at all.  His paranoia and easily embarrassed nature make things hard.  I do not have "girlfriends", or guy friends for that matter, to whom I vent.  He has some misogynist issues, stemming from how his mom treats men.  He does the same, but to women, blanket denigrating them. 

Basically, he is a lot of his mom.  Lateness issues, little desire to help clean house or keep up with responsibilities, and inability to be wrong.  I love his mom.  She has been there for me in ways my parents could never have even tried to be.  They are far more down the rabbit hole in the issues I've had to deal with as a child.

BUT - She has hoarding of clutter and animal issues that break my heart, because she will not see how it makes her house uncomfortable or guests, and then gets mad her grandkids don't come over.  She has staked out a place in the living room and lives, literally, in the love seat.  She sleeps there, eats there, and spend the rest of her time watching TV.  She is 65.  I have other friends with parents in their 60s and 70s who go fishing, shopping, and live active lives.  They even have some of the same health issues, like diabetes.  BUt she just sits there, and when she does get up, she's atrophied so much it hurts her to try to cook dinner.  She does not see how strange it must look to the 6 and 4 year old grandkids for grandma to pretty much never get up when they are there.  It's a bit of the Queen, granting an audience.  And it's the Queen when she is displeased.  At Christmas, I tried to clean up a bit, and move cat boxes out of the kitchen (was worried the kids might fall into them, playing), and was reprimanded with "If they don't like how I live, they cans stay away". This was in reference to the grandkids and their parents, and also, us, as we have tried to make the house more appealing to the neat-freak sister (not that I blame her for wanting a clean place without insulin syringes where kids could grab them) and so I'd clean, and then get in trouble. 

And I get the retributive actions from FI, revenge on his mom, and even sister, brother and sister in law, for all their real and perceived lacks.  For years I told him to not lump me into his angry tirades when mad at them, and for a while he stopped.  Last night and during a short outburst last week, he started again.  He has recycled about 8 years, almost. 

Daniell85 - how did you work on your anxiety? 

[Daniell85]

I went to a therapist who specializes in pstd. I went to my doctor and got meds that are specific to anxiety.

For a long time I put off doing that. I thought I could control the problem through force of will. It didn't work.

My therapist helped me a lot. My panic attacks have become less frequent and intense. I have learned to recognize when one is coming on, and I step away from the trigger. Going outside or doing housework... .physically being busy really helps. There were mindfulness techniques she showed me to focus my brain on where I am...

All of this I had to be willing to take steps on. I had become a bit agoraphobic and I still have difficulty in situations like shopping in stores where there are loads of people.

Your guy sounds like he is really resistant. His anxiety over being looked at like he is mental? is outweighing his need to stabilize himself.

I have gone over to youtube a lot. There are many videos that can teach a person how to calm and center themselves. If you look under mindfulness, or DBT exercises, you can find a lot of helpful videos. Your FI can do this in the privacy of your home. Maybe if he can calm some and get a bit of clarity, he will then be willing to take steps with a therapist of see his doctor.

What a struggle, even more so when you try to help and he is too anxious to do much of anything except sit there in a state of panic. Kudos to you for being there for him under such chaos 

[isilme]

I am trying to get him involved in outside exercise and work, both to help both of us sleep (I have life long sleep maintenance insomnia.  I fall asleep, but wake up rally often.  I got a fitbit to confirm my suspicions, that I get 30-45 minutes of sleep for each hour).  Sometimes it helps, but I think he's got cyclic agoraphobia.  This is "birthday" season for many friends, and he and his sister.  So we have several invites to events month long, but after "extroverting-out" last weekend, I think he's burnt out. 

I got him to go swimming a few times in recent weeks, but I'd really for multiple reasons, want to get him outside to help with the yard.  Yes, to help me, but also so he'd take some pride in his own property.  The house is his.  It's his in name.  And he gets upset at things not done, I think he feels shame for not helping, but paralyzed about fixing it.  AND the previous job had him in an environment that was bad for his health - no UV light, no indoor humidity, and frigid temperatures where he was sick constantly, got pneumonia, and has damaged his sinuses so he WANTS to be outside, but risks getting sick from doing so.  He's become a bubble-boy   I know he needs some sunlight, and needs to get over his discomfort in heat and humidity and even mosquitos and just get outside.  I get tired from yard work, but feel good getting it done.  I will be doing some tonight.  Then I will need to do some sewing, since FI has been looking for freelance jobs for both of us, but some of them end up heavily on my plate (many involve ren-fest costuming, which is heavy on sewing.  He keeps thinking projects will be leather working which is his job, but it pretty much ends up on me.)

Today he is quiet, upset with himself, prolly still upset with me, and apologized fro getting mad last night. 

I will try to get him to look at DBT exercises to help.  I'm trying anything holistic I can find - wanted him to take Valerian to help him sleep but he hates the smell.  I take it instead, helps a little.  I'm trying aromatherapy, hoping that even a placebo effect would bring him a few steps forward.  I'm sure he'd rather watch any videos like that with me out of the house - guess I can go look into security lights so he has time to do so.

[Ceruleanblue]

Yes, I'm sorry too that you are having to deal with a lot more than you should. A  lot of us here do, that is for sure. It's hard when you feel your partner never lets you live anything down. I think it's okay to maybe mention the past as an example, but when it's clear they are still harboring resentment and blame, that is not okay.

It sometimes feels to me like the only people who could truly thrive living with someone who has BPD, or any other PD, would be if they were near perfect themselves, and I am clearly not. Things he does, sets off my own issues, and it makes me have to work on issues that normally would be a non issue for me too. Like if I were with someone who'd never threatened me with leaving, my fear of abandonment(which only showed up after my ex of 18 years walked out suddenly) would probably have naturally subsided by now. But because he spent three years threatening to leave me, then he did leave me, now that we've reconciled, it's still there.

We pay a price for staying with them. I try to focus on the good, but days like today make that hard at times.

[isilme]

And here we are again.  I 'never listen and am playing games because I am a woman treating him like a child."  Today its yard work.  He wants a deck put down in a week so he can have a BBQ and not think our yard is ghetto.  I am ghetto apparently, because my family was homeless at a point.  Anyway, will raging.  Also, his mood worsens when he hasn't eaten, and he's fighting any and all suggestions for food, and I am tired and shakes, and would welcome going out as a break from this, feel drained and not like driving.  Ugh. And again the wedding is threatened, and all from last time was just brought up too.  He is cycling back To him in his mid 20s almost. 

[isilme]

I'm not doing well with all this right now.  I feel like I'm back at my first attempts fort rhino to not make things worse, but the exterior streess toll of the last couple of years has hurt my resiliency.  I wonder a bit, now that the abusive boss is not in FIs daily life, I need to assume the role of bad guy for him.  He's not being mistreated at work, and he admits they are professional to work with.  But the specter of the old boss will never go away fully, and he got mad last night, thinking about her, and it did not set a good stage today.  I wanted to make a quick run for yard supplies, and he set up the Jo win scenario of can he come (this never goes well, as he wants to fix every single issue, real and perceived with our house at one, in one trip, or not at all), or I get to be the bad guy if I said no, don't come. 

Hours into the store, it became uncertain what to tackle, and trying to reel in his desire to buy lots of stuff but never implement it, then getting home, getting started with my original goal of taming a stubborn area of tall grass, then an argument exploded when I couldn't level ground for a patio in a few minutes.  Sorry. Tired. Sore from yard work, need rest but have too much to do, always.  He doesn't help around the house.  I work full time, I have freelance projects to bring in extra money, so does he as far as that goes, but I do the upkeep, the shopping, the vehicle maintenance, I am tired.  I don't want to be yelled at because I can do everything.  I don't want to be so tired, have a panic attack when a restaurant doesn't have something he asked for.  Sorry, reserves are low.  Been running on about 4 hours sleep most nights, since last spring when his work troubles came to a head and escalated. 6 hours is rare.