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QBert

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
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« on: June 29, 2015, 08:41:15 AM »

Hello everyone.

I have been reading this website and some of the forum for a few months now.  I've decided that it's time to join.  I don't really have a lot of close friends I can vent to and talk about the difficulties many of us experience.  If I did tell the close friends I have, I don't think I'd get the understanding I could get from others here.

I am a male in my mid-30's from the northern mid-west.

I have been in a relationship with someone who we suspect has BPD (she meets 8 or 9 of the criteria) for over two years now.  She's never been diagnoses, but we're both pretty damn sure the criteria fits quite well  We met online and bonded over a difficult time in my life -- the loss of an animal I had had my entire adult life and had been with me through previous life challenges.  As you can imagine, she was very empathetic about my situation and that drew me closer to her.

We have been practicing a BDSM lifestyle since we met in person and started being together in the fall of 2013.  I am the Dominant half of the dynamic.  She has been my fully collared submissive since Aug of 2014 -- when she moved into my home.  She is my "babygirl" and I am her ":)addy"  She has two children with a former partner -- children I see and love as my own.  I have fathered no children in my life up to this point.

As I am sure you can imagine, our relationship has been rocky and tumultuous.  Something happens once or twice a month that ends up throwing her into a fit of rage.  During the incident she sometimes becomes physically violent and frequently threatens to leave or "break up".  She suffered a lot of abandonment as a child -- very unfortunately... .in different ways but from both parents.  She has no or very few ties to any of her blood relatives.  I don't blame our blowups entirely on her -- after all in each situation that leads to disappointment or hard feelings, often both have made mistakes that have contributed to the situation.

I have read many online resources and scholarly writings about BPD.  I have also read I Hate You--Don't Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality by Jerold Kreisman and Hal Straus.  I believe that education is power and I hope to learn more from other supportive peers -- and a place to reach out to from thoughts from others when I need it.  I hope to be able to do the same for others as well.  This place seems a great such resource.

I have one friend who has had a partner with BPD (one she is now in the process of moving out from in the next week).  She's been working on this for a month know and she is excited.  In the past, I have turned to this friend for an ear but I don't think it fair I use her as an emotional dumping ground for my/our problems.

My partner, who I am monogamous with, has been unfaithful once before (at least that I know of).  In fact. it was recently.  She kept it from me for nearly 3 weeks until she spit it out in anger during a fit of rage.  Honestly, it was a blow and difficult to hear -- especially since she values honesty and integrity so much.

She often foretells the end of our relationship -- "when we break up" and sometimes it seems tries to purposely sabotage it.  I try to recognize it for what it is for and make sure she knows I am not looking to abandon her.

I am an ENTJ -- Myers Briggs.  She often puts me in touch with my feelings side that has often been difficult for me to feel and express.  For that and many other things I do love her very much.

Well, that's my background and my introduction.

My first question for those who are situated like me -- with a current BPD partner: do your partners with BPD know that you participate on the site?

To the site operators: thank you for making this site and community available to people like me and I am sure many others here.
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lotus74

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« Reply #1 on: June 29, 2015, 09:04:15 AM »

QBert

I can tell you that my uBPDh has absolutely no idea that I particapate on this site.  He has no idea that this site exists.  If he knew that I wrote things on this site about our

relationship he would view it as a HUGE betrayal.  I just need somewhere to vent sometimes, get helpful advice, and not feel so alone. 
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QBert

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« Reply #2 on: June 29, 2015, 09:57:04 AM »

QBert

I can tell you that my uBPDh has absolutely no idea that I particapate on this site.  He has no idea that this site exists.  If he knew that I wrote things on this site about our

relationship he would view it as a HUGE betrayal.  I just need somewhere to vent sometimes, get helpful advice, and not feel so alone. 

I hear you -- I have a friend who is moving out of a shared apartment with an ex-BPD partner.  I talk to her a lot about things, but it's not really fair to her that I rely solely upon her for support.

I emboldened your text to emphasize why I am here.
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QBert

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« Reply #3 on: June 29, 2015, 09:58:26 AM »

QBert

I can tell you that my uBPDh has absolutely no idea that I particapate on this site.  He has no idea that this site exists.  If he knew that I wrote things on this site about our

relationship he would view it as a HUGE betrayal.  I just need somewhere to vent sometimes, get helpful advice, and not feel so alone. 

Also would you help a newbie with the acronym uBPDh -- or maybe point me to an acronym list?
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EaglesJuju
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« Reply #4 on: June 29, 2015, 10:49:44 AM »

Hi QBert, 

Welcome aboard. I am glad that you have found the site. There are many resources here that help improving a relationship with a person with BPD (pwBPD).  Take a look at the lessons on the right side of this page. The lessons will help you get started.  You already have a good head start by reading about the behavior.

I am sorry that you are going through some difficult situations with your girlfriend. Physical violence and abuse is a breach of personal boundaries. What have you done as a response to the violent behavior?

You mentioned that something happens once a month where she becomes enraged, physically violent, and makes her want to leave. What usually precipitates this?

Also would you help a newbie with the acronym uBPDh -- or maybe point me to an acronym list?

The acronym means undiagnosed BPD husband.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

My bf does not know that I participate on this specific site. I have told him that I participate on a forum that helps me with my problems.

I understand how difficult it is to talk to people about BPD behaviors. Many times those who have not experienced what it like being in a relationship with a pwBPD do not seem to understand. Sharing your story really helps. Many people here have went through or going through similar situations.

Looking forward to reading your response. 
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"In order to take control of our lives and accomplish something of lasting value, sooner or later we need to Believe. We simply need to believe in the power that is within us, and use it." -Benjamin Hoff
QBert

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« Reply #5 on: June 29, 2015, 12:10:41 PM »

I am sorry that you are going through some difficult situations with your girlfriend. Physical violence and abuse is a breach of personal boundaries. What have you done as a response to the violent behavior?

My reactions haven't always been the best, but I am working on that.  I have never stuck her in response -- but I have physically restrained her with my arms to prevent damage to my person, my house, and herself until the rage passes.

Sometimes when we're on the outs, I get clingy.  But I am learning to give her space and maybe go for a walk alone (or go grab a bite to eat) to let my own felings settle so I can think cleary about the situation.

You mentioned that something happens once a month where she becomes enraged, physically violent, and makes her want to leave. What usually precipitates this?

It's different each time.  It'd be hard to summarize but it sometimes involves a perceived breach of trust or perceived slight.

She isn't always physically violent -- that's only happened 2 or 3 times.
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isilme
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Relationship status: Married
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« Reply #6 on: June 29, 2015, 02:03:16 PM »

No, Fi does not know I talk on here about our relationship, or that this specific site exists.

I have told him and others I found a place that's like virtual group therapy for people with parents like mine, and that it has helped me at times.  I have told him nothing about suspecting BPD or very huge BPD-fleas in his own behaviour, but frankly, with the childhood I had, it's would have been very amazing had I NOT found someone with at least some of the traits I have seen in my parents. 

I think I found this site after spending time on an infidelity board years ago, and discovered mention of this site.  Mostly when he was home all day, not working regularly or going to school, he was bad about emotional cheating, and I suspect other goings on to a lesser extent.  Things came to a head, and I was in a very bad place for about 3 years, ended up on anti depressants, and really needed a lot to keep going.  I almost left, was close to suicide myself at a point, and then I found this site, and more and more things made sense, both in my current r/s, and from my past childhood experiences.  Most people seem to have one parent with BPD and a "non" BPD parents who may or may not be an enabler.  Both of my parents were bi-polar/manic depressive - diagnosed. I was an only child, isolated from family be distance, and from friends and neighbors by parental dysfunction.  No siblings.  So I lived alone in a house with two very volatile, emotionally unstable, physically, verbally, emotionally, and yes, covertly-sexually abusive parents.  So my judge of "normal" is off kilter to start. 

As I tried to get to a better place myself, and read more and more about validation and boundaries, things got a little better.  I have not idea what exactly made things better, but I am scared we have "recycled" back to an earlier phase where he says he wants one things (marriage) but fights it.

I find posting here to be a little cathartic, as I cannot journal anymore (long story, on plenty of my other posts), do not tell friends about this stuff because I do not want to paint him black to them, and I think most of us on here realize how BPD behavior would look if if was obvious to the world.  I am the only one who sees a full on rage episode.  Not even his parents have seen that.  And I'd like to say it's never become physical, but last night to a limited degree did. 

This site has people who will understand, and can tell you what has and has not worked in their lives, and the simple act of writing can help get things straight in your head.

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EaglesJuju
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« Reply #7 on: June 29, 2015, 02:17:04 PM »

My reactions haven't always been the best, but I am working on that.  I have never stuck her in response -- but I have physically restrained her with my arms to prevent damage to my person, my house, and herself until the rage passes.

I have had situations where my bf's rages got out of control. I found it is good to leave and walk away before things escalate. I have done what you mentioned and take a walk to let things settle and it has really helped me out. 

It's different each time.  It'd be hard to summarize but it sometimes involves a perceived breach of trust or perceived slight.

She isn't always physically violent -- that's only happened 2 or 3 times.

I understand, sometimes innocuous things can trigger my bf. He has said many times that he does not trust me. When he tells me things like that, it is usually because of his low self-esteem and sense of self.  Communication tools really help with situations like that.
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"In order to take control of our lives and accomplish something of lasting value, sooner or later we need to Believe. We simply need to believe in the power that is within us, and use it." -Benjamin Hoff
QBert

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« Reply #8 on: June 29, 2015, 03:22:08 PM »

I understand, sometimes innocuous things can trigger my bf. He has said many times that he does not trust me. When he tells me things like that, it is usually because of his low self-esteem and sense of self.  Communication tools really help with situations like that.

What type of communication tools?


Also,

I have noticed my partner sometimes has a transference of such.  SOME (not all) of the criticisms she levies about me do not seem founded in reality -- but instead seem more a reflection of her.

Anyone else experience this?
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EaglesJuju
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« Reply #9 on: June 29, 2015, 03:45:59 PM »

What type of communication tools?

Here is a link to help you get started.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Communication tools (SET, PUVAS, DEARMAN)

I have noticed my partner sometimes has a transference of such.  SOME (not all) of the criticisms she levies about me do not seem founded in reality -- but instead seem more a reflection of her.

Anyone else experience this?

That is common behavior from people with BPD (pwBPD) and is called projection. 
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"In order to take control of our lives and accomplish something of lasting value, sooner or later we need to Believe. We simply need to believe in the power that is within us, and use it." -Benjamin Hoff
isilme
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« Reply #10 on: June 29, 2015, 04:48:14 PM »

Excerpt
I have noticed my partner sometimes has a transference of such.  SOME (not all) of the criticisms she levies about me do not seem founded in reality -- but instead seem more a reflection of her.

Anyone else experience this?

Yes.  FI cannot believe that his feelings about himself, fat, old, bald, ugly, mean, are not what other people, including me, see.  He is VERY critical of his own appearance, and sometimes includes me in his personal-appearance-freak-out bubble.  Like if I forget to lint-roll cat hair off my butt, it's the end of the world.  His view of the world is very distorted at times.  I feel sad, because I worry he is never able to be happy. 

He tends to project his feelings about the world onto me and everyone else
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Cat Familiar
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« Reply #11 on: June 29, 2015, 07:02:53 PM »

No, Fi does not know I talk on here about our relationship, or that this specific site exists.

I have told him and others I found a place that's like virtual group therapy for people with parents like mine, and that it has helped me at times.  I have told him nothing about suspecting BPD or very huge BPD-fleas in his own behaviour, but frankly, with the childhood I had, it's would have been very amazing had I NOT found someone with at least some of the traits I have seen in my parents. 

That's exactly what I've said when I've had to explain what I'm doing on the computer--so intrusive to be asked and I don't like lying. Yes, having had a mother with BPD set me up to resonate with BPD spouses--I'm on #2. At least this one is high functioning most of the time.
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“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
babyducks
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« Reply #12 on: June 30, 2015, 05:03:21 AM »

Hi QBert, and welcome to the forums. 

I hope to see you around posting a lot.

First question, no.  My partner has no idea that I come here and post.   She tend to be disturbed by anything that switches my attention from her to something else.   It's a form of abandonment.   And as was mentioned she would consider it a betrayal, that I am 'complaining' about her.   Or taking some one else's side in an argument.

Second question, communication skills.   SET has worked wonders for me.  I had to practice it when things were going well, when things were normal for it to be effective when things started to derail.   Support, Empathy, Truth.  I try to aim for some validation in a my support statements so for me it would look like this.

Support:  You have every right to be upset when that car cut you off for the parking spot.

Empathy:  I know I would be annoyed if someone stole my parking spot like that.

Truth:   What we should do now is find a way to bounce back and shrug this off so we can see the movie.

At first it felt to me like a bunch of unnecessary words and I would want to go straight to the truth statement.  That was not effective.   I always need to acknowledge what ever emotion is present first.

And Third question, projection.   Yup.   All the time.  The worse my partner is feeling about herself the more she projects the feelings onto me.   It's very confusing to be vehemently accused of things that don't have a lot of basis in reality.   It's usually a good clue as to what is bothering her though.   People who have this disorder process emotions differently than you and I.   One of the traits of the disorder is off loading of overwhelming and intense emotions by shifting them to people closest.   For me it's also a good clue about when my partner is going to deregulate.  When the projection starts to ramp up I can be sure a deregulation is coming.

great question!  I am glad you decided to de-cloak.

'ducks
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QBert

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« Reply #13 on: June 30, 2015, 12:00:33 PM »

I have opted to tell my partner that I need support and there is an online community that is available to support me.  She understands the support is anonymous.

She understands my need for support and was supportive of me joining this community.  Due to the BDSM nature of our relationship, honesty is best for us.  I understand that may not be the case for everyone.

I have not told her the name of the site or my name on said site.

Thanks to everyone for the warm welcome.
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