Will there ever be a time when my feelings count?

[lotus74]

My uBPDh and I are in the process of buying a house.  At the moment we are both working

full time.  I work long shifts and typically have a couple of more days off a week than my spouse.  I have been running lots of errands and taking care of packing to move, buying groceries, laundry, cooking and cleaning up, and paying bills; along with working a full time job.  My uBPDh does work a full week and deserves to have some time off on the weekend, but spends the weekend doing whatever he wants.  He says that his "job" in the relationship is to look for pitfalls and avoid them... .that he is the "idea" man and I am the "follow through". 

I was feeling quite tired after a long weekend of taking care of business when he tells me that he wants me to take some paperwork to our mortgage agent on Friday of this week.  I had just been to see the mortgage guy last Friday and he said there was no rush to get him this paperwork.  I hesitated in my response to uBPDh and he completely blew-up.  I tried to communicate to him that I was overwhelmed by all the things I had been taking care of, but he said that my feelings didn't mean a thing to him.  That my hesitation was really just a symptom of the bigger problem in our relationship that I don't care about him or think that his needs are important.  The fact that he has anxiety that  the piece of paper is not with the mortgage agent supercedes my feelings of being overwhelmed and needing a day just for me.   

It is so frustrating to not ever feel that my feelings matter.  Whenevery I try to express them I am told that I'm stupid or that my feelings are wrong.  I am trying to come to terms with the fact that his needs always come first and that mine will never be met, but this is really hard.

I end up giving up on trying to communicate with him the "why" and just taking the blame, telling him I'm sorry, and how awful I am and that his life is so hard... .poor him.

Does this ever get any easier?

I use the tools of validation, but that never seems to be enough for him.  Whenever a situation goes bad, he thinks that someone in the situation needs to suffer or be punished.  sometimes that is him (ie he has to take the papers to the mortgage agent after work if he can make it before they close for the day and if they are closed, he hopes he doesn't drive into the river on the way home).  I told him that I would take the papers, but he can't let me now because "I made it an issue"... .so I'm being punished as well.

What other tools can I use to deal with this type of situation?  Why can it never just be a little disaggrement?  Why does it always have to be that our relationship is awful and his life is a "hill of s@$&"?  And never just about me needing some time to myself.  I really don't think that I am a selfish person.

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[Daniell85]

This sounds so overwhelming 

Moving is so exhausting. I have moved 4 times in the last 10 years, so I totally get you on that!


One of the first things I would do is stop apologizing or telling him how awful you are, either by saying it yourself to appease him, or by validating ( agreeing to him when he says something like that) him on that kind of statement to you.

He may be appeased by your "admission" but maybe you can consider a way to acknowledge his frustration without validating something about your own self that isn't true.

[Cat21]

I'm sorry, Lotus. I went through a house purchase with my uBPDh a few months ago and it wasn't easy. I did 90% of the work, including looking for houses, finding "the" house, nearly all of the paperwork, lining up movers, supervising the move, and about 70% of the packing. The ONE day he spent taking care of refinancing our second home was his contribution. He sure did complain a lot, though.

It was my experience that moving was a HUGE change for him (for both of us, really), and BPDs don't do well with change. We moved at a time that was busy for both of us, not to mention the fact that I was 5 months pregnant. I think it was all too much for him to handle, and since he doesn't do well with communicating in times of stress, the burden fell on me. I hate to say it, but I've come to expect that at this point.

I will say that after we moved and were settling, he did a LOT of things around the house. (Now, I couldn't do much being pregnant, but still.) He has taken care of almost all house projects without my help, does the yard work on his own, and takes care of the bill paying and mortgage info. It's a huge step up from where we were a few months ago. Maybe your husband just needs time to settle?

Also, do you have any boundaries set in place? For me, I don't tolerate insults or yelling, so if either of those things happens, I'm gone. It's SO hard not to JADE when you are the one doing all of the work, but it really doesn't help things. If he's giving you grief or being melodramatic, try going for a walk, taking a shower, cooking; anything that will distract you and help you focus on yourself. Good luck!

[takingandsending]

Hi lotus.

So sorry that you are having to deal with the stress of house buying and dealing with hurtful statements from your husband as well. It can feel awful when we our partners don't see us when we are giving all that we have. 

Stressful situations like house buying are really challenging for pwBPD. Their already disordered thinking seems to go into hyperdrive during these times. That's often why pwBPD can be so difficult and unhappy around holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, etc. Anything that takes the ordinary life stresses and amplifies them brings out the heightened emotions which cause so much trouble.

From what you have posted, what sorts of things are you/can you do for yourself to keep your stress levels and overwhelm from becoming too much? Taking a walk, listening to some good music, watching a funny movie are some of my favorites when things get tough. As the emotionally healthier partner, we often forget to take care of our own needs and sacrifice our own well being for the sake of our partner, but this is typically the worst thing that we can do. If anything, in these situations, we need more support, self care and self love. I hope that you can find some ways that you can give to yourself today. 

As far as validation goes, I can share a few things that I have learned the past year with my uBPDw. First, you should not validate the invalid, so if it feels wrong to you to take the blame and validate that you are "awful", it is wrong. Don't do that. It doesn't help the pwBPD, and it does harm you, over the long run. Have you had an opportunity to watch the video on this site on validation by Alan Fruzetti? It really provides the four guidelines of validation. Second, when our partners are already dysregulated, validation will only have a very limited positive effect. Validation is much better done when your husband is not feeling stressed out and emotional. So, if he's already blowing up at you, don't bother with validation at that time. You can always come back to it when he is emotionally regulated, like "I can see how upsetting all this house paperwork is and the extra stress that you feel. I feel that way too. Maybe we can take a break from this and do something together to take our minds off of it for a while."

The tools that you need in the situation you described are boundaries. It is not okay for your husband to dump his anger, frustration and worries on you. Of course it is not okay to say that your feelings mean nothing to him. Of course it is not okay for you not to be able to take time for yourself. The only thing that I know that can improve this is boundaries. When he begins to escalate into anger and is making it about you, it is time to take a break. No justification, argument, defense or explanation. Just, "I can see that you are angry, and this stuff is stressful. I am getting upset, now, and I need to take a break. I will be back in twenty minutes, and we can talk then. Your feelings are important to me." Then you leave, and you do come back exactly when you said you would. 9 times out of 10, once the storm has blown past, you partner will not really want to talk much further about the upset. You may want to, in which case you can move to a communication tool like S.E.T. when things are less escalated.

Again, I am so sorry that you are suffering during this time. It is really hard that the times we most need the love and support of our partners are often the times that they are least capable or likely to be there for us. 

[lotus74]

Thanks everybody for the feed back.

I have tried before to take a step back from the situation when it gets heated, but this seems to back-fire on me.  The last time I took a break from an argument, I told him that I needed a little time to cool down, and that I was going to go to Walmart but that I would be back in about an hour.  He followed me out of the apartment and flung his wedding ring at me.  We never found the ring, and to this day it is my fault that he no longer has a ring because I am the one who left.  He seems to escalate when I try to disengage from the situation and becomes more aggressive; tearing things up and throwing things away.

I don't feel that it is right for me to call myself awful and accept all the blame for everything, all the time.   I guess that I am just trying to end the conflict as quickly as possible and I don't know any other way.  I have a problem with anxiety normally, and when he dysregulates it gets so much worse.  Rationally, I know that accepting the blame doesn't always end things sooner.  He wants me to immediately notice when he starts to get irritated and say that I messed up and essentially give him whatever he wants out of the situation (which I don't always know).  He has actually told me this.  I always seem to be caught off guard when he suddenly explodes out of nowhere.  I just don't know how I could be more prepared or see things for what they are in the moment. 

I will re-watch the validation video that you suggested.  I know that this time of change is really difficult for my uBPDh and I do love him.  I guess I just needed a little validation myself- to know that my feelings count and aren't ridiculous.  Thanks again to everyone who responded with the great encouragement and advice.

[takingandsending]

lotus,

The few things that have helped me in disengaging without causing more upset are:

1. Your husband is not so much wanting you to admit that you are wrong as needing validation of what he is feeling. "You are wrong and you so know it!" is not a feeling. The feeling is anger or fear. What he is feeling is valid; he is feeling it. What he is feeling has nothing to do with you. So, I say things to my wife like "I see that you are angry." I offer some (mind you it's not much) empathy, like "I would feel angry too if ... ."

2. Make your leaving about you, because it is about you. You need space, time to sort your feelings out, time to decompress. This is your boundary. If you imply that you are leaving because of them, something that they are doing/have done, that will raise the dysregulation up several notches. So, "I understand that you are angry. I am getting upset, too, so I need to take a break for 20 minutes to clear my head. You are important to me. Your feelings matter. I want to talk about ____ issue when I get back." This makes your boundary about you, which it is. Don't make the return time vague. Make it specific and follow through, which sends the message that this process can be trusted.

3. Validation rules are: Validate the valid (whatever they feel, they feel); Don't validate the invalid (you are wrong, you are stupid, your feelings don't matter, etc.); Don't invalidate the valid (basically, do not justify, argue, defend or explain your position and invalidate that they are feeling upset); Invalidate the invalid (only when absolutely necessary, such as "It would be so much better to take my life right now. Everyone would be happier."  Ummmm ... .better invalidate that expression, right?).

Have you tried these specific approaches? If not, give it a try. And remember that validation, SET and communication tools to bring you closer are best used when your husband is not dysregulated. It is really tough, but in high stress situations, I usually count on zero help from my wife. I expect her to struggle. And I take as many precautions as I can when I know we are dealing with high stress stuff to protect myself and my kids. Wish I had better help to offer. 

[an0ught]

Hi lotus74

It is so frustrating to not ever feel that my feelings matter.  Whenevery I try to express them I am told that I'm stupid or that my feelings are wrong.  I am trying to come to terms with the fact that his needs always come first and that mine will never be met, but this is really hard.

don't try. Either do it or don't. Weakness invites pushback. Be assertive about what you feel and accepting of him not getting it.

You are right unfortunately - his feelings and thinking needs to come first. Take a look at the workshops on SET - that is good structure to express what you need to express and increasing the likelihood that it is heard.

S= supporting intro

E= empathy - validating him

T= your own feelings

That way it is least likely to invalidate and thus trigger him.

It certainly is frustrating right now. For better or worse spontaneous expressions of your emotions at this point in time is not a good idea. Communication needs structure and right now this means thinking it through and following patterns. Once you've mastered validation and SET telling what you mean becomes easier again. Part of the improvements come from the patterns, part from your increased ability to read and navigate his emotions and part will come from him learning a little bit to better listen over time. Baby steps but they do add up.

[Cat21]

Part of the improvements come from the patterns, part from your increased ability to read and navigate his emotions and part will come from him learning a little bit to better listen over time. Baby steps but they do add up.

This is true, lotus. There was a time when I thought my h would never take my feelings into consideration, but I practiced (and practice) using the tools regularly, and it has definitely improved. It's never as quickly as I'd like, and probably won't ever be, but it's much better than it was.