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Author Topic: Partner with BPD  (Read 935 times)
satahal
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« on: June 30, 2015, 06:10:23 PM »

I've read through some of the articles and some of the success stories.

By partner has BPD and I'm a classic caretaker. We've been together for 8 years and he is my son's stepfather. They are extremely close and honestly, that's the main reason I stay with him.

He is paranoid of abandonment, needs constant reassurance, accuses me of affairs, thinks every man I come into contact with his after me. He's reckless with money though he makes enough that he gets by. Still there are continually lawsuits, judgements, bill collectors, etc. He has had a drinking problem though he's cut back a lot and that has improved things. His rages are definitely less intense without excessive alcohol. He dips in and out of therapy, mostly out but what he's done so far has given him some self awareness so that he can sometimes self-regulate - before he couldn't at all, ever. I don't know if this qualifies as self-harm as it's not overtly intentional but he's always injured - whether it's yet another fender bender, kicking or punching something or finding some other way to injure himself.

I've been living in a state of hyper-vigilance, always trying to smooth over and avoid his melt downs, hide it from my son and my friends. I gave up more social and work engagements than I can count because I didn't want to be embarrassed by his behavior or deal with his days long melt downs if I went somewhere without him. As a result I lost myself nearly completely.

In the last year I've made some steps to take my life back. I started with daily journaling - just to sit with my thoughts, wants, dreams etc was so powerful. I've just started practicing SET and that's very helpful. Aleo setting boundaries with mixed results. I still suffer from real social deficits that I never had before - I literally barely know what to talk about with the few friends that have stuck around despite my inattention (a problem I never had before him), I don't like to disclose my relationship problems and I isolate a lot.

Telling myself he has mental illness and reminding myself to not be defensive help but it's still a gut punch when he accuses me of something or attacks my character. I can't seem to fully insulate myself from his moods either - it's a black cloud hovering over me and my anxiety goes through the roof, making it hard to focus on work and other things. I get paralyzed and cancel plans because I fear I will make his mood even worse.

Part of my fear of worsening his mood is that I have endeavored to keep his rages secret from my child - I think I've been mostly successful - though I could be deluding myself. My son has special needs and adores my partner. If I didn't have my son here, I would simply walk out the door when he raged, go to a hotel and wait it out but that's not an option.

I hope to learn how to better avoid being triggered by his moods, comments and attacks. I also hope to get better with boundaries by learning how all of you are coping.

On a side-note, my adult child was recently diagnosed borderline as well - I'm confused as he has a completely different set of issues than my partner. He's academically a super star (PhD), married in what appears a very stable relationship and doesn't have rages. He does however have a long term depression and anxiety diagnosis, cutting, and black and white thinking.
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Moselle
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« Reply #1 on: June 30, 2015, 07:07:12 PM »

My son has special needs and adores my partner. If I didn't have my son here, I would simply walk out the door when he raged, go to a hotel and wait it out but that's not an option.

Samanthal. I just wanted to tell you that you are absolute champion doing the things you are doing. You've clearly researched the symptoms and employed personal strategies to deal them. And you 've made good progress. I am very aware of the personal investment to get to that point, and the burdens of living with someone with the disorder.

I just wanted to ask "why this is not an option? It's seems very plausible to protect yourself and your son from the debilitation that comes from a rage. "

Not as a first resort but as part of a non violent verbal exchange like: the way you are speaking Is making feel angry, threatened, sad. I would like you to speak respectfully or I will need to leave the house for some time. So it gives him.the option to choose to behave, but you own the action. Then if he continues. DO IT. Go. Yours sound like he's quite responsive.

This protects you from the rage which is very important.

It's worth a try.
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satahal
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« Reply #2 on: June 30, 2015, 09:52:18 PM »

I say it's not an option because it turns into a mess - like he follows me and that brings the fight out to the living area of the house and front doors opening and closing (or slamming) - it brings it into my son's earshot. Also, when he's in a rage I don't want to leave him with my son. Don't get me wrong he's never been abusive but he's so out of his mind that if my son came out of his room, who knows what he would say. He completely lacks the ability to put his emotions aside for the sake of anyone when he's like that - so that's scary. And, then I don't want to haul my son out of bed to take him to a hotel with me. How do I explain that? And because he's disabled, he just tells everyone everything - like his teachers at school, his bio-dad. Ugh.

Having listed my million excuses, I will say that you're right - it's a pretty effective strategy. Sometimes merely getting my purse and heading for the door, announcing I'm going to a hotel will get him to leave or tone down his tirade.

I'm hoping by using SET and validating him consistently I'll be able to minimize these really heinous episodes. I'm learning too not to express being upset with him - that seems to be one of his big triggers. I don't know about other folks but when he's set off, whether it turns into a full on rage or it's just a bad mood, it sticks around for days, so it's better for sure if I can just bypass the whole thing. I'm tired of it though. I'm tired of having to use so much energy and brain space to manage him.

Thank you for your support and feedback - very much appreciated.
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an0ught
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« Reply #3 on: July 03, 2015, 03:38:38 PM »

Hi samanthal,

it can make sense to first focus on validation and SET, particularly when you are afraid of more conflict. In general I believe it makes sense to focus on a particular set of skills (validation/SET or boundaries) as focus simply helps to learn quicker. There is plenty to learn and often it can get you far. Having said this - keep in mind that at one point you will stop making much progress unless you acquire complementary skills.

Welcome,

a0
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satahal
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« Reply #4 on: July 04, 2015, 11:07:15 AM »

an0ught,

What complementary skills are you referring to. I have been reading voraciously but certainly haven't made a huge dent in all there is to take in.

I've read some on SET, validation, boundaries and time outs (though haven't tried that yet) but that's all I know about so far.

I also started doing to CBT program at MoodGym, which seems helpful.

Thanks for your feedback!
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an0ught
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« Reply #5 on: July 05, 2015, 08:11:58 AM »

Hi samanthal,

What complementary skills are you referring to. I have been reading voraciously but certainly haven't made a huge dent in all there is to take in.

I've read some on SET, validation, boundaries and time outs (though haven't tried that yet) but that's all I know about so far.

that is all you need to know for a long time. But you need to know it well, very well so well that some of it has become a habit and you don't think about it anymore. Just because I read something about carpentering does not mean I can build a table that is level nor that the table will hold up when I dance on it. Learning skills takes time. One says that to acquire a new habit takes at least 4 weeks. We are  talking here about habits which require overcoming our long held fears. Habits that require the ability to observe details we have so far not consciously noticed or given much weight. This is not an easy process for almost everyone. Often it pays to focus and generally focusing either on communication skills (validation and building on it SET) or on boundary skills can help for a limited time. Communication skills complement boundaries in that the fallout of conflicts around the boundaries can be better managed. Boundaries complement validation as they strengthen the self on both sides making emotions more clearly attributable to the individual (as emotions are often transfered it can be less clear in an enmeshed relationship who is the driver of what emotion).

I also started doing to CBT program at MoodGym, which seems helpful.

Good move  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) That certainly complements learning validation.

The theory of these skills is deceivingly simple. It is much harder in real life as we all suffer from fear and also have a egocentric, distorted or even warped view of the world. Often feedback from external sources helps us to see things clearer and discussing our concerns helps to normalize them (another form of validation btw.).
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satahal
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« Reply #6 on: July 05, 2015, 11:24:57 AM »

Thanks for the feedback An0ught.

I need lots and lots of practice. My BPD partner has started commenting on my very canned-sounding responses. He tells me multiple times a day he's feeling "anxious" or "disconnected" from me - essentially translates that he's worried he'll be abandoned. If I let it turn into a conversation he lists all of my crimes against humanity, how I "never" this and "always" that and "make him feel" etc. It has been really effective to say, "I'm sorry you're feeling anxious. That's a really uncomfortable feeling. I love you and everything is fine."

I've said it so many times that he said he was fed up with hearing it last night. I replied that I was going to keep telling him that as needed. He seems instantly calmed by that statement or at least realizes I'm not biting and moves on - so I guess no reason to abandon it as it's working. Although, I'm going to figure out some other wording so that it doesn't come off like I'm just trying to shut him up (although, yes, I guess I am).

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Moselle
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« Reply #7 on: July 15, 2015, 11:41:48 AM »

Samanthal.

Have a look at a book called "Conflict Couples" by Fruzetti. It is the best text on these relationships that I've read. It speaks about something called DBT Dialectic Behavioural Therapy which makes a real difference.

You are doing great! As you change it is normal for him to fear abandonment because these changes threaten the relationship pattern which has been established and which they are comfortable with.

Out of interest. Is he in any way aware of how his behaviour affects you?

Cheering you on  this road is hard.
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satahal
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« Reply #8 on: July 15, 2015, 01:55:26 PM »

Thank you Moselle. I watched one of Dr. Fruzetti's videos and thought he was great. I'll definitely check out the book.

Is he in any way aware of how his behaviour affects you?

Yes and No - He sees me hyperventilate and he typically stops when that happens. He's made comments that reflect awareness but he keeps doing it. So, aware but not impacted. I'd be mortified if I made someone hyperventilate or sob. For him it kind of halts him in the moment, then he might just leave or wait until I can breath again and offer a very breezy apology often accompanied by a joke - like, "On a scale of 1-10 how mad are you? ha-ha."

In calmer moments he acknowledges that it's his own behavior that's causing me to pull away and he hates himself for it - but it still feels like he doesn't truly get the magnitude - ultimately he seems to believe an apology covers it and that in the balance, since he sees himself as far more good that bad, I ought to accept his little "quirks."

I think this isn't so outrageous for him - maybe because he functions well enough in his career and otherwise - and because of his upbringing (abusive alcoholic), this is within the range of normal. I don't think he fathoms a world in which people don't rage and constantly criticize and attack each other.





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Moselle
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« Reply #9 on: July 16, 2015, 01:48:48 AM »

It sounds like he is aware and acknowledges which is a very positive thing. See if he will work through that book with you. It does not mention Borderline, so it does not have the negative connotation.

Does he know that he is Borderline? Has there been a diagnosis?
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satahal
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« Reply #10 on: July 16, 2015, 05:18:04 PM »

Good to know about the book - I will share it with him.

He doesn't have a diagnosis but when I started reading about BPD it couldn't have been a clearer picture of him. I'm no mental health expert but I can't see how he doesn't have it - it describes his behavior to a T.

He had a big meltdown last night - worst ever. It was more of a breakdown/break through - he got how dysregulated he was and he was freaked out, sobbing, saying he knows he treats me horribly and is pushing me away but he doesn't know why and he can't stop, etc. I broached the idea of BPD with him.

Today he went to therapy and the therapist told him he doesn't have BPD. I believe he presented all of his behavior as some recent aberration related to being super stressed with work - rather than the ongoing pattern that it is. At any rate the therapist encouraged him to stop doing a few things and to give me space.

His therapist is an addiction specialist so I'm not really sure what he knows about BPD. They started sometime around January and he's been going once a month. Now, he's agreed to every two weeks.
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Bpdwifelife

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« Reply #11 on: July 16, 2015, 10:39:31 PM »

I understand you. I could written many parts of this myself. I'm not in a good place tonight so I will keep this brief but let you know I feel your pain.
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Moselle
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Every day is a gift. Live it fully


« Reply #12 on: July 19, 2015, 04:50:44 AM »

My story is similar. Psychologists are very wary about diagnosing PD's. There is such a stigma associated. An easy thing for them to do is identify BP or NP traits.

The BPD traits are there to see and that is enough to know that we need some help. And that it can be overcome.

You have picked up that stress brings the traits on. Can you predict other times when the traits come out?

This is important from the point of view of preserving our self, and understanding that although we might be blamed for much of what is wrong, it is actually not all about us.

Keep it up. You're doing great!
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« Reply #13 on: July 19, 2015, 07:54:56 AM »

  Now, he's agreed to every two weeks.

This is a really good sign.  Many times a T will pick a more minor problem to work on... .to build the r/s and get momentum going in therapy.

The key is that he is going... .

FF
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satahal
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« Reply #14 on: July 20, 2015, 10:42:02 AM »

Thanks everyone!

BPDwifelife - I hope you're okay - I'll check if you've posted and respond.

M and FF - thanks for your encouragement.

I guess I can predict somewhat what might bring on an episode - when he has a particularly hairy stretch of work, when he's drinking  - I try to stay out of his way and make sure there are hot meals and a clean house - the idea being that these little comforts may help him relax. It triggers him that I stay out of his way though. When he's in a mood he wants me to fawn all over him - ugh - not going to happen anymore.

His therapist seems to be working with him on identifying his triggers and brainstorming ways he can deal with them better. He's also encouraging mindfulness.
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formflier
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« Reply #15 on: July 20, 2015, 11:39:00 AM »

  I try to stay out of his way and make sure there are hot meals and a clean house - the idea being that these little comforts may help him relax.

This is good effort... .and probably useful in the short run.

Especially since it seems like he is in the early part of therapy.

Later on... .you want to get to a place where you live your life... .and are "appropriately supportive" of what is going on in his life... .but that you don't organize your life around his moods and issues.  Those are his to deal with.

The good news... .the really good news... .is that he is taking steps to deal with those.  That is wonderful!

FF
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satahal
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« Reply #16 on: July 21, 2015, 11:19:56 PM »

Later on... .you want to get to a place where you live your life... .and are "appropriately supportive" of what is going on in his life... .but that you don't organize your life around his moods and issues.  Those are his to deal with.

That's promising information. I was worried I'd be having to do double duty for the duration and it makes me somewhat resentful. Thanks FF
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« Reply #17 on: July 22, 2015, 07:00:09 AM »

[

That's promising information. I was worried I'd be having to do double duty for the duration and it makes me somewhat resentful. Thanks FF

Even better... .it's up to you when you stop doing double duty... .

I'm still working on the best way to say things like this to my wife... .but... .there are somethings that are better talked to a Therapist about... .not a husband.  I am NOT my wife's therapist.  There is only so much negativity and issues I can juggle ... .and then I don't worry about the rest.

Up to her to find other outlets for that... .my only job is to stop "catching" the negativity... or "helping" with it.



FF
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