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Author Topic: Intro: Possible BPDxh, D12, and Maybe Lucky  (Read 409 times)
ambivalentmom
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: 2nd marriage/married for 6 years
Posts: 87



« on: July 01, 2015, 04:01:33 PM »

Daughter born in 2002, married in 2004, divorce in 2007.  I was lucky enough for a no-fault divorce, but allowed visitation every weekend because he would not leave the house saying I was trying to keep his daughter from him.  He had very unusual, erratic, and abusive behavior, but spent very little time with his daughter, so I wasn't going to fight with him. 

In 2011, he said he would finally able to pay the $--- in monthly child support I deserved (the amount was half what the chart showed online).  I decided to go to child support enforcement and received back pay and the actual monthly amount.

After we went to court and while fighting with CSE to pay, he begins spending every weekend with her (summer 2012-summer 2014).  This makes things a lot worse for D.

He has always shown signs of BPD, but I never knew there was something going on with him/always thought everything was my fault.  My T said he shows the signs and recommended Stop Walking on Eggshells, which fit him perfectly.

I think this support group will be very beneficial in getting insight on similar experiences.  We now only talk through emails and I have to take screenshots of the emails and file them because he recalls the hateful ranting emails.

I'm not sure if I am lucky, because while he and his new wife/2 step kids moved states away and he only sees D12 a couple times a year, there is so much I am afraid of and so little I can do about it.  My lawyer says I cannot mention any past/current abuse to anyone because it will look like I am trying to slander him.  I also know so little about what happens while she visits, it scares me.  Child protective services called about suspected abuse to the stepson and believe that my D12 was giving rehearsed answers when they came to talk to her.  She has so much weight on her shoulders and I want to guide her to do the right thing, but I also want to help her put the weight down or help her carry it. 
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Turkish
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Relationship status: "Divorced"/abandoned by SO in Feb 2013; Mother with BPD, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety: RIP in 2021.
Posts: 12104


Dad to my wolf pack


« Reply #1 on: July 02, 2015, 04:25:12 PM »

Hello ambivalentmom, and Welcome

I'm glad that you found us. You're doing the right thing legally to protect yourself by documenting communication and asserting the boundary of how you communicate.

Since he moved away, what's the deal with the visits? Is it written into the court order that he is entitled to your daughter being sent out of state to spend time with him? Can you tell us more about the CPS incident? Who abused who, and what advice did CPS give to you?

Turkish
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    “For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
ambivalentmom
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: 2nd marriage/married for 6 years
Posts: 87



« Reply #2 on: July 08, 2015, 12:12:46 PM »

Thank you for the welcome.  I have been spending the week going through the other discussion boards and seeing if things were similar to what I went through.

I did not have this site or continuing therapy until recently, but I was lucky enough to make a close friend with someone who was about a year ahead of me with her life (her daughter/divorce/visitation). I was also lucky that she saw my ex paint her black, so she knows the new drama I talk about isn't embellished in the slightest.

I am happily married for three years now (we have a wonderfully rambuncious 2yo daughter), but there is still a lot drama with my ex, D12, and I have a lot of repressed things/symptoms of PTSD from my first marriage.

The court order is the original separation order (enforced by the divorce order) from when we separated in 2006. He has every weekend, four weeks in the summer, every other school break for any holiday, and father's day.  He is in charge of drop off/pick up from my house.  Until summer 2014, we lived about an hour apart and I suggested/met him halfway.  He changed his mind after about 5 months when he wasn't in control and said he would be picking her up/dropping her off from our house from then on.

Right now, we agree on every other Christmas vacation, and every Easter.  He currently sees her for the 4 weeks in the summer, but wants her the entire summer.  Neither one of us would get more visitation time going to court nor would I want to face the repercussions if I tried, so we are at a stand-still.

The visits are always stressful and my amazing husband is actually the one that watches for him when it is time for pickup.  My husband an I also discuss the emails my ex sends and send a response (usually reviewed by T) through my husband's email.  We have issues with receiving short notice cancellations, no responses, and this last Christmas visit when my ex said he would be flying my D12 back to an airport 3.5 hours away from our house and need to be there to pick her up.

Since the order states we need to communicate and work out times not set forth in the order in the best interest of the child.  I am just saving emails for just in case and hope he doesn't get any worse than he is right now.

The one call I received from CFS was that there was an incident involving my ex and his stepson.  They cannot disclose any other information, unless I went to court, and they only told me this much because they wanted to let me know a case worker would be talking to my D12.  I assume that he bruised up his stepson's arms because that's what he did to D12 a lot when she was little and D12 said they were only asking questions about her stepbrother's arm.  That was in 2013.   

I also received a text at the beginning of this year for my D12 from her stepsister on my husband's phone.  She apologized for not calling for a month, but she had been in a foster home.  I called their county's CFS, but they said they cannot discuss any incidents involving my ex.

What is on my mind constantly is knowing everything he's done, what he is capable of, and how much he can get away with.  He is very intelligent and deceiving.  I still feel lucky because I got out alive, I have a great marriage now and two great girls, my D12 is with me most of the time, I'm not fighting a court battle, and I have resources/hope about my situation. 

Thank you for listening.  I hope I can continue to look for guidance and support with this site.

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ambivalentmom
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: 2nd marriage/married for 6 years
Posts: 87



« Reply #3 on: July 08, 2015, 12:20:10 PM »

I can't believe how much comes out when I try to write a "quick response".  I'm sorry if it is read as a long, venting rant.  I'll try to be shorter from now on.
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livednlearned
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Family other
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 12731



« Reply #4 on: July 09, 2015, 10:20:55 AM »

Hi ambivalentmom,

Welcome to the site, I'm glad you found us. I can understand why you are so worried about D12 with CPS being involved, and how heartbreaking as well that her stepsister is in a foster home.

It sounds like the CPS incident was last year? I understand the privacy issues that CPS must acknowledge, but how frustrating you cannot know more given you have a minor who is living in the home part-time.

What is your relationship like with your D? Does she seem to guard her feelings, or is she expressive about what it's like to visit him? Has she been in therapy?

These are the most difficult relationships, and very draining. I'm glad you reached out and hope there is some comfort in knowing that many of us understand the dread, the worry. There are success stories here too, and many of us are working hard to raise emotionally resilient children. It can be done 

LnL

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