"Boundaries" I'm trying new approach

[JQ]

Hello Group,

I'm going to try a new approach ... .at this point I have nothing to loose in regards to my exBPD gf. I've been researching and reading everything I can find about BPD and some sights are good ... .some not so much. What I've come to learn is that most if not all of us that are involved in a relationship with someone who has BPD, well we are care givers, people pleaser's for any variety of reasons. Those of our loved ones who have BPD are like that of a 3 year old in an adult body ... .impossible to reason with ... .terrible two's ... .they want it their way or will pout, scream, throw things until they get their way so we constantly give into them because we love them ... .we want them in our lives.

Well ... .I have read more then one item about how you need to stand up for yourself, you, me all of us need to set boundaries of acceptable behavior. Think about it, what you've tried ... .like me hasn't worked so what do you have to loose. She constantly tells me good bye only to text me again a few minutes later, hours later or even a couple of days later. She was testing me like a child test their parents of what they can or cannot get away with.

I've been reviewing a lot of my relationship with her ... .what I did or didn't do, her reactions to my actions and vise versa. Last October I reentered her life ... .I was trying to convince her that I wasn't going anywhere ... .that I loved her and I wanted to be with her. So for the next 4 months until January she was dating both of us against my better judgement  ... ." I tried to win her over ". It wasn't working ... .why would she want to change ... .she could have both of us ... .well he didn't know about me. SO in January I decided I had enough and set a boundary. I told her I wasn't going to be bf2 ... .that I wasn't going to share her with anyone ... .if you love me and want to be with me then be with me. If you want to be with him ... .then you go be with him but you can't have us both. Besides STD's, UTI's, I told her some pretty graphic details of what I wasn't going to do to her because she was sleeping with someone else.

It took about a week ... .maybe two ... .but she told me she had called things off with him. We had a conversation ... .she told me she called it off on Tuesday ... .but went back over on Thursday ... .needless to say she stayed the night with him ... .but told me it was good bye sex and she wanted to be with me. I thought about it ... .I've thought about her reactions to my questions, her reactions to my actions ... .it was like a child being caught with their kid in the cookie jar. She said she was sorry ... .that it was over and it would't happen anymore. Over the next 7-8 weeks she grew more distant ... .like a child she put me in time out ... .she gave me the silent treatment and the sex was far and few between. Like she was punishing me for setting the boundary ... .but it appeared to be working.

It all came to a end when she told me she didn't love me and missed bf1. Fine ... .I'll leave, you can have him. I moved the next day out of my apartment two hours away while she was at work. when she found out she frantically tried to track me down, calling me to come back. I told her this was her choice not mine ... .needless to say over the next 2 months I caved in several times ... .and saw her ... .it was fun no doubt ... .but I knew she was seeing bf1 again ... .both of us at the same time. And even caught her stopping at the store on the way to his house and confronted her ... .you should have seen the look on her face when she came out of the store ... .a kid getting caught with the hand in the cookie jar. Pretty much same excuses ... ."no I'm not seeing him, I'm going over to xyz house" ... .all dressed up ... .yeah I believe that one. I told her I'm done ... .and moved several states away.

We have texted, she has called me several days a week and would like to have telephonic erotica ... .but I won't do it. I texted her last night ... .I know you have the girls the next couple of days and you  have plans for the 4th with "M" ... .my plans for the 4th are firming up so you can contact me after the holiday if you want too. As expected ... .she started to text me ... .  For the next few hours we're texting back and forth ... .she's asking me what my plans are, I told her I wasn't comfortable telling her. She became upset, told me if I wanted to F---- my neighbor then go ahead ... .I told her who said my neighbor was a woman? I told her I had a couple of options but had not  final plans yet.  I finally told her that I was invited on a road trip ... .or stay in town. Her response was, "I hope she's nice".  She's was throwing out the bait ... .I'm not biting. I was very vague ... .kept it gender neutral ... .I told her she had an exclusive boyfriend "M", that we were not a couple and I could go where I want, when I want with who I want. She told me that to have fun 4th ... .good bye ... .I could tell she was jealous and wanted to me to tell her I was going to see a woman. It's actually a old buddy of mine from the military.

I told her she had an exclusive boyfriend ... .I wanted it to work with us ... .but your choice ... .your decision was to be with "M" ... .ok my choice, my decision is NOT to share you with another man ... .just like you don't want to share me with another woman. I care about you ... .and our relationship ... .I want it to continue ... .but as long as you're seeing  someone else, as long as you're sleeping with someone else ... .I can't, I won't be bf2 ... .I can't and won't share you with another man ... .I can promise you that ... .I've shared with you all the reasons why.  Just so we're clear ... .this was your choice ... .this was your decision ... .if you don't want me to share my life or bed with another woman then you know where I stand ... .I would like to be with you ... .share my life with you ... .but it's your choice ... .your decision ... .what do you want ... .

and I left it at that ... .I put my foot down ... .I set a boundary that I will not cross and she knows it,( she knows how I feel about STD's, UTI's, my female friend died from AIDS from her bf extra outings"  ... .she can't have her cake and eat it too. It's been 7 hours since my last text ... .she's working for another hour or so ... .then she picks up the girls ... .anyone care to put down a wager how long it will be before I hear from her? What her reaction will be? I'm not really sure myself ... .she might call or text tonight after the girls go to bed ... .or she might wait until after the holiday to do it ... .or she might not at all ... .  Can I get some input from the group ... .

Let's face it group ... .giving in to her demands like a 3 year old in the grocery store wasn't working ... .she was going to keep doing it and the stress on me wasn't worth it anymore. SO, I'm taking a different approach that worked once ... .she pouted like a child ... .put me in time out ... .I have nothing to loose ... .she's already with bf1 ... .I set a boundary I won't cross ... .she knows it ... .from what I read, if you stand up to them, set the boundaries of what is and isn't acceptable behavior then they will respect you more ... .more importantly ... .YOU NEED TO RESPECT YOURSELF! 

Stayed tuned ... .I'll update this post as things happen ... .I would be very interested in hearing from the group in your collective thoughts whatever they might be.

I'll leave you with some words of wisdom ... .

World populations is ... .7,810424,756 ... .just in case your ex is feeling irreplaceable ... .

Sometimes I forget putting myself first isn't selfish ... .but necessary ... .

Sometimes the greatest love ... .is to simply to let go ... .

Have an awesome day people!

JQ

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[sugargirl1111]

Just ask yourself one question: Can you ever trust her after she's been sleeping with you and somebody else at the same time?

I put up with a lot of crazy stuff during the 9 yr rs with my x BPD bf, but if he had ever cheated on me I would've kicked his a** for good and never looked back.

[maxsterling]

I think there are some inherent boundaries for all relationships that need not be stated around infidelity, physical violence, and verbal abuse. 

Regarding infidelity:  I don't think there are too many people out there who are truly okay with open relationships. Jealousy is part of human nature, and for someone to not get hurt in an open relationship means all parties involved have to be okay with it.  In your case, that means you, her, and the other BF.  I think that "guilt free" and "meaningless"  sex are myths, because in almost every case someone winds up hurt.  That's why I think there is an unstated rule that if you are having a sexual relationship with someone, you have a natural desire to not want your partner sleeping around. 

Regarding physical violence:  I don't see how anyone can claim this is acceptable in a relationship, at any time. 

Regarding verbal abuse:  Again, I can't see how anyone can claim this is acceptable.  Now, we may have differing views as to what constitutes verbal abuse, but I think everyone has a line that they don't want crossed. 

I'm proud of you for putting your foot down here.

[waverider]

The problem is you have reinforced this chaotic way of life for so long, that you are unlikely to be able to change it overnight. The shared chaos is your bond. Either the chaos will move to another area, or the relationship will simply fail. She is using the chaos she creates in you to normalize the chaos in hers.

Being willing to walk away is a known turning point to regaining back control over your life and stepping away from reactive behaviors in an attempt to salvage scraps.

Life is not about living on scraps.