Does your SO predict your words and thoughts?

[mssalty]

I'm curious if you find it difficult to talk to your SO or ask them questions because they are completing your thoughts or sentences for you, or arguing a point with you that you weren't going to make before you've even said what you want to say out of your mouth.   

For instance:

Me: I was thinking about this weekend and...

Them: (Interrupting) I know, you don't want to go downtown because you hate to pay for parking and that's okay, we don't have to go. 

Me: No, let me finish.  That's not what I was going to say at all. 

Them: I didn't stop you, speak. 

(Insert anger at being interrupted, confusion as to how they came to the conclusion, wonder about what historical thing I've done that led them to believe what they said is true, etc.) 

It makes conversation difficult to have.  And it's almost impossible to have a light or humorous conversation (because jokes are seen as insults, or taken literally) because of it.   

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[maxsterling]

Yep.  My wife rarely listens to what I have to say before interjecting or responding. 

[Cat Familiar]

Me too. It's so frustrating because my husband's interruptions derail my train of thought and then he gets impatient because I can't express my thought quickly enough.

[ptilda]

Oh goodness, yes! All the time! It's exhausting!

[hurtingbad]

Predicting my words is not necessarily an issue I have, but I can see how that could easily happen.  On the other hand, mine does actually tell me (all the time) what I MEANT by what I said or did.  Which, of course, is usually the opposite of whatever I really meant.  More like what he THINKS I meant.

[Verbena]

My daughter (BPD and the reason I came to these boards) does this constantly, and it is maddening. 

My husband (probably not BPD, but something) does not do this at all.  In fact, he often says nothing at all during "conversations" but claims that he is actually speaking.  Very bizarre. 

[Ceruleanblue]

BPDh interrupts sometimes, not all the time. He does misinterpret what I say though, and almost always in a negative light. The interrupting is easier for me to deal with than the negative slant he tends to put on things I say or do. That, for me, is much harder to deal with.

[Pacify]

This only happens to me during arguments and to the point where every thing I say will be misread.  Its so confusing and very bad for conflict resolution.

Once I texted her while she was at work and she became very angry with me for bothering her there, even though the phone was in her car and I knew it.

[Butterfly12]

My husband says I interrupt if I reply at all. Even if I wait until he is entirely done speaking and seems to be waiting for my reply. If it contradicts or disagrees that is when it is a "REAL problem."

Sigh. Exhausting.

[Cat Familiar]

My husband says I interrupt if I reply at all. Even if I wait until he is entirely done speaking and seems to be waiting for my reply. If it contradicts or disagrees that is when it is a "REAL problem."

Sigh. Exhausting.

My husband gets really insulted if I enthusiastically speak in agreement while he's speaking. I try not to interrupt until he's done, but if I wait too long to reply, then he accuses me of "not communicating."   

[itgirl]

wow this happens to you as well?  It pisses me off to brink of crying.  There is no communicating any of my feelings.  I can start the sentence with I ... .and she will finish it for me.  And its always the opposite of what I was going to say.  I know believe that its probably too close to JADEing.  So I must work on saying how I feel when things have calmed down.  Exhausting.

[michel71]

If I had a nickel for every time I said " no that is not what I meant" I would be richer than Oprah.

[ColdEthyl]

My husband assumes what I think, what I feel, and it's almost always negative. He has argued the merit of something *at* me when I have been in complete agreeance with him.

[Neveralone]

Yeah if i say anything he says i interrupt him but yet he interrupts me when i talk. Totally hypocritical. He talks over me and literally says " im not listening to you" and starts mocking me. It is very frustrating and communication is totally unproductive. I feel like i am never heard. So unfair but then again nothing about BPD is fair for them or us.

[IsItHerOrIsItMe]

> Does your SO predict your words and thoughts?

Yes

Accurately?

Heck no... .

[ColdEthyl]

Yeah if i say anything he says i interrupt him but yet he interrupts me when i talk. Totally hypocritical. He talks over me and literally says " im not listening to you" and starts mocking me. It is very frustrating and communication is totally unproductive. I feel like i am never heard. So unfair but then again nothing about BPD is fair for them or us.

This is a common theme for me, as well. What has helped for me lately is I tell him "I have thoughts and feelings that I am allowed to express", and that's been tipping him off that he's cutting me off. He's been trying to listen to me more, and take turns. I don't know if that statement will help you in your situation or not, though.

[formflier]

  "I have thoughts and feelings that I am allowed to express"

I like this! 

I used to respond in anger... .now... .I try to remain centered... calm... .and I ask if she is interested in my thoughts on the matter she is talking about.

FF

[flowerpath]

Yep.  It's not funny, but I have to laugh.     My husband used to ask me a question, and then he would guess at the answer or ask a question about what he thought the answer was.  When I said, "No... ." and tried to answer, he would keep throwing out another wrong answer and then another.  Before I could even answer the question, he would be so bent out of shape from not being able to come up with the right answer that he didn't even want to know what the answer really was!

It must have something to do with impulsivity, not having the patience to wait and hear someone out.

I finally explained to him what was happening.  Then after that, as soon as he asked a question and started answering it with a wrong answer, I'd ask him whether he wanted me to give him the correct answer right away or whether he wanted to keep making a bunch of wrong guesses.  Eventually the pattern of that behavior stopped.  ... .Now if some other patterns would just stop... .

[formflier]

 

Just happened to me... .

I was starting to express myself to my wife about a concern I had with s12. 

Literally... when I got to the part where I was going to say the issue I was concerned about... .she started talking... .got louder... .talking about what I was going to say... .

I got quiet... .did not "compete" with her.  When she finished... .I said. 

"That's not what I was going to say... ."

She flung her hands around... .said "whatever"... .and stomped out of the room.

FF

[flowerpath]

Maybe "pragmatic language disorder" could be listed as one of the characteristics of BPD.   

[rarsweet]

 My ex would tell me " just stop right there, I already know what you're going to say, there's no point in you talking". He was mostly wrong. If I told him that's not what I was going to say, he would say "yes it was, you just don't want me to be right". Lol.

[formflier]

My ex would tell me " just stop right there, I already know what you're going to say, there's no point in you talking". He was mostly wrong. If I told him that's not what I was going to say, he would say "yes it was, you just don't want me to be right". Lol.

So... .there are a couple decisions I see.

When interrupted... .are you going to participate at all.  (Hush and walk away... .no reaction)

Are you going to try and find an emotion to validate? (make sure you are on top of your game... .this can take energy)

Do you want to make a point that they are wrong... .and risk invalidating them... and make them uncomfortable  (This can also take some energy... .it's not always wrong... .but don't be shocked at an angry "reaction" from them.)

I got some benefit of slowing down a conversation and handing out a sheet of paper to my wife... .and one for me.  I invited her to write down what I was going to say... .and I would write down what I was going to say... .then we would compare.

She used to claim that I would change my story... .just to make her "wrong".  Well... .it's hard to get around the "mousetrap" of each writing down what I was going to say.

She quit participating in the writing... .and for a while the predictions she was making got better.

Again... .this was more for me to "win" "argue" or make a point more than it was "for her".  It felt good to me... .I made my point... .  But... .was it worth it "long term"?

Always having to "follow the rules" for BPD bums me out.  Sometimes it feels good to go with my gut.  However... .I have no illusions that there will be a price to pay for this (for invalidating an emotional person).

The key is to return to baseline quickly... .and not extend the drama.

FF

[Disastra]

My H will start to tell me something whilst I'm reading or about to leave the room then stop and say "Oh, you're too busy anyway"  Then if I say, no, that's fine and put down what I was doing it's "too late now"  If I then leave the room or pick up my book again he will re-start and go around the same thing again, "See, you're just not interested in what I have to say."

When we are actually in conversation, for this read I am listening to a story of his, if I try to say anything he'll sometimes let me finish and go on to say something that is either exactly what I just said as if I'd never said it and it was his thought entirely, or so very opposite to what I've said that I have to ask myself "did I actually just speak out loud?"

[formflier]

 

Ahh... .the "drive by" conversations... .

Lovely...

Unfortunately still a big part of my r/s... .haven't figured a way... .other than ignoring them... to help that situation.

Literally... .she will walk in room... .fling some words... .or sometimes say them respectfully... .and then walk out as I am talking... .

Odd...

FF

[ColdEthyl]

My H will say things under his breath sometimes, and I might only hear a part of it and I ask him to repeat it and he says "Oh, nothing. never mind." Most of the tidbits I catch when he does that is him being snarky about something.

[IsItHerOrIsItMe]

My H will say things under his breath sometimes, and I might only hear a part of it and I ask him to repeat it and he says "Oh, nothing. never mind." Most of the tidbits I catch when he does that is him being snarky about something.

Just last night we were at the hospital for my m-i-l and I checked my email in the waiting room... .My w immediately asked what I was doing, and I told her work email.  She checked her email and replied to her son (my step-son) and said it was "work".

Instead of letting her under the breath comment go, I asked her what she meant, and followed the conversation to its logical conclusion... .she was not happy. 

When she realizes others may observe and comment on her behavior she becomes so much more aware of the reality of her comments... .

[mindwise]

I'm curious if you find it difficult to talk to your SO or ask them questions because they are completing your thoughts or sentences for you, or arguing a point with you that you weren't going to make before you've even said what you want to say out of your mouth.   

It happens and what I do is validate that she is entitled to have her opinion and her thoughts about how she perceives me. Then I proceed with "I" statements. "I think this way... ." "I feel this way... .", etc.

When we talk I put into practice communication skills learned in Mindfulness. I never interrupt her. Even when she makes a pause, I wait and let her keep talking. I make eye contact and give full attention until she gives me a non-verbal cue or tells me "I have finished talking". Then I repeat back some of the stuff she just said and validate without getting creative. I don't give my opinion unless she asks for it or I may ask "do you want my opinion?". I talk slowly with a warm tone.

It works very well. If she interrupts I listen and then make the remark that I never interrupted her and she nods and shuts up. If she is in a bad mood or starts criticizing everything, then I enter humor and indifference mode. Luckily she does have a good sense of humor  

[Lost Out]

Oh heck yeah! I get asked a question, provide an answer and then get told "that's not it". So I always ask her why did you ask if you already know the answer?