I need advice and support. I feel emotionally and psychologically abused.

[Shottsy85]

Today my BPD bf has been really awful to me. I was out of town for four or five days with my best friend who he has villainized. Since I have been home I've been very busy with my business but I have been trying to carve out time. We had what I thought was a productive talk the night before and he shared with me that he felt "there is no "me" anymore. And it's just the business and we don't just have fun together." I don't agree and I am who I am and am passionate and ambitious, but I validated his feelings like I was taught and told him I would try and make more quality time. So, today he has the day off he apparently got up early without me and went out to breakfast. I told him the plans of going out and then seeing foteworks later. He had a friend over and was working on fixing his motorcycle. I ask him, so are we not spending the day together? At first he goes in loops saying he doesn't get to see his friends and he wants to fix his bike. I said ok but you could have done this all week while I was gone and I am trying to make time like we discussed. Then he tells me to just make plans. It turns out my friend was at work so I suggest mayne we can just go to lunch and then be can keep working and I can work after. He says yea he just needed to get something. He takes forever and at this point I have been up till 5:30 am, am tired and haven't eaten or had my coffee. I ask again politely what the time frame is because I'm getting a headache. He snaps at me to go in front of his friend and our roommate, being super rude I call him out on it and he does the four year old "oking" me in a rude way. I am exhausted but I get in my car and accidentally back into his because it happens to be behind mine and o didn't know as its never there. So he runs over and yells at me and tells me I'll have to pay for the damage even though he wouldn't even have the car If I didn't do the down payment of 1500. Which was supposed to be advance pay for work he is supposed to help me with for my business so it wasn't a loan or gift and of course he hasn't been willing or helpful and everything is a fight. IT also wouldn't have happened if he has just gotten lunch with me earlier. I'm so livid and unsure of how to approach this. I don't think I should pay I also don't want a war right before we are supposed to go out of town two weekend in a row for business, and it's too late to get someone to fill in if he goes AWOL. I feel so hurt and angry and feel like giving up but I really don't want to. I just don't know what to do. He is in DBT but I feel he is only using it in regards to his job and not applying things to our relationship

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[LilMe]

It sounds like you were pretty worn out when all this happened - not a time we usually think clearly!  It seems to me that the car down payment is an agreement you have and is a separate issue from the accident.  Unfortunately, you did accidently hit his car, so it seems to me it would be fair for you to pay for repairs.  I am sorry all this happened!

I often have to remind myself that I can only control myself and my reactions, not my BPD partner's.  You made the effort to spend time with him, but he chose to do something else - very hurtful!  "Calling out" my pwBPD when he was upset would be a disaster!  I usually just exit the situation as politely as possible and later, when he is calm and if it is a really important issue to me, I will talk with him about it.

Hopefully you have rested and are feeling better now!  You must decide what you can handle and what you cannot and how to deal with it - boundaries, timeouts, etc.  I go over the lessons and read certain books over and over.  It seems I will never get it all perfect, but  things do get better as I work and practice.

((hugs))

[Shottsy85]

I haven't been on the site in a bit but felt like I needed it again after the past few days. This was a really helpful response. I really appreciate it. Me and my pwBPD just got engaged which I am happy about but since there have been a lot of conflicts when it should just be a happy time. I can't believe how much has changed and how much hasn't since this post. A lot of our conflicts are still surrounding my best friend who he is still villainizing.

[JohnLove]

Hello Shottsy85, and welcome back... .I would encourage you to read "How a BPD Relationship Evolves" on this website. Forewarned is forearmed.

What has changed in these last six months?... .apart from the engagement, of course.

[Shottsy85]

Hello Shottsy85, and welcome back... .I would encourage you to read "How a BPD Relationship Evolves" on this website. Forewarned is forearmed.

What has changed in these last six months?... .apart from the engagement, of course.

Well MOST of the time he has been being more supportive, talking to me, he has been sticking to his DBT and T, he also half ass joined SLAA but hasn't found a sponsor yet. I am angry at him again today, so its hard to be objective. He does try and calm himself down, or talk to me about things eventually. He also does tell me he loves me, and I am usually the one that gets upset and asks if he doesn't want to be with me, because his behaviors and actions are confusing, but he clearly states of course he does, which IS reassuring, but it is still difficult to manage with him a lot. Especially right now I am under tremendous amounts of stress and want his support, we have a lot of bills to pay, and he and I are running a business together, but I feel that I work harder than he does, and he isn't being very supportive.