what a morning I have finally, fully faced what I am dealing with

[Bpdwifelife]

First post here. I started writing on EP over the holiday weekend and have been reading articles here for awhile now. I am the wife of a BPD - though that isn't the end of it. He was diagnosed with ADHD and bipolar as a child but doesn't believe those things exist. I really think bipolar was a misdiagnosis but since you cant diagnosis a child with BPD it probably was close enough to the symptoms he displayed 35 years ago when he was nine years old. He is truly Borderline. Actually during a very scary period a couple of months when I was reaching out to his friends and family - his sister told me of his childhood Bipolar diagnosis - but it was his best friend who labeled him Borderline. I did all the research I could on Borderline and about scared myself to death. We are newly married. Just over 8 months. In addition to Borderline my husband is also ADHD - he told me that the first night we met - but again laughed it off and said it was a "fake disorder". I didn't see anything wrong with him. We fell in love at first sight and I thought he was just perfect. Lol. He is also Anti-Social Personality Disorder, Paranoid Personality Disorder, NPD, low functioning, serious and chronic addiction to cannabis) been smoking daily (all day long) since he was 9 years old. He is obsessed with conspiracy theories and the Illuminati, aliens, satanic cults, free masons, child sex rings - he believes the world is controlled by a superpower that likes to rape kids. I hear about all this stuff all day long and it's so tiring and depressing. He brought up a few crazy ideas when we first started dating like how Paul McCartney was really dead and the US is under rule of the Queen of England (huh?) but he never harped on that stuff and I would just disagree and tell him why that wasn't possible (in my mind) and that would be that. His dopamine deprived brain was literally on fire with dopamine when we were falling in love so he appeared mostly normal. After marriage, that changed and he returned to baseline where his illness dominates. I am just now fully understanding what I have gotten myself into.

Not to say there weren't any signs or red flags before. There were plenty but I ignored them because I was in love and blind and addicted to him. I've never been more in love in my life. He totally ignored me on our wedding weekend with friends - I barely saw him for four days except during the vows (where he cried throughout the ceremony). A week later on our honeymoon cruise he threatened to kill me and throw my body overboard. He's pulled a gun on me on himself and called me every name and insult under the sun. He does this really annoying thing when he is in a rage where he starts calling his buddies and telling them what a c*** I am right in front of me. I am our sole support and breadwinner (he quit working shortly after we got together ... .long story but it made sense at the time). I work from home so I am around him 24/7. He clings to me like glue while verbally abusing me. It's awesome! I love the week day nights he gets into a tizzy and decides around midnight it's time to start blasting heavy metal and rap music so I won't be able to sleep. I love how he tries to sabatoge my career - he has even gone so far as to destroy my work computer by smashing it on the ground and in the past year we've been through six cell phones (2 of mine, 4 of his). He's screamed at me while I have been on conference calls with clients. All of this really turned up as soon as we got married. I had all kinds of anxiety about getting married and was having serious panic attacks and female health issues just prior to this - that was my gut screaming at me to get out but I didn't listen like an idiot because I was in love with him. Anyhoo, in March we (I) bought our dream house in another state so he could legally cultivate his favorite thing - cannabis - and fulfill all of his grandoise delusions about curing cancer with his cannabis oil. Okay whatever. I am an idiot too. Literally the day after we closed on the house he went into a psychotic state that lasted about a month. I stayed in a hotel as needed until I could get him to move in to the new house without me and then retained a divorce attorney who told me to RUN RUN RUN. She said I had nothing to worry about financially - he would get nothing but I better be prepared to go into hiding and to not get him any help or get him into therapy where he may be diagnosed with something that I would be on the hook for alimony (or maintenance) for . She advised me wisely and compassionately to not become a resident of the new state and to get my ducks in a row. She told me to get him up to the new house, play nice, get a protective order and file for divorce. I got him out and he became so infantile and helpless without me - in playing nice I had to keep him in the dark - I could feel his anxiety building after a few days without me so I would visit on the weekends where he would be the charming loving sweet attentive person I fell in love with. This went on for a minute until he got nasty with me one Sunday morning and I just walked out the door and left. He responded by calling me over 100 times and destroying several things in the new house like light fixtures and the headpiece I handmade for our wedding - burning things, etc. I ignored all his calls and threats. The next morning he collapsed. I'd never heard a more broken person - he was literally begging me to save his life and I - against the advice of my attorney - told him get into therapy or I was divorcing him. I found a therapist in the new state that is specialized in Borderline and DBT and told her what was going on. She agreed to meet with him right away - that very day - and when I told him he had an appointment - I was completely surprised when he went. That was three months ago. Things improved! For a start - there has been no more destruction of property and no more physical violence or threats of physical violence. The name calling continues but it's much better. He still has not been diagnosed (his therapist is not a MD) but that is still a good thing for me as far as a divorce goes. I am still a resident of the other state and paying for two homes. This is costing me a fortune and really hurting me financially but I feel like it keeps me safe. As long as he knows I have somewhere else to go and I can file without a waiting period he stays mostly in check. I am in limbo. The last year has been so insane my business has suffered and I am trying to focus on that and taking care of myself. I went on anti-anxiety and anti-depressants in January. That has helped me - though I've never had to take meds before in my life. I have one foot out the door but I have one foot in. Now that the house is mostly calm these days I am able to see things so much more clearly and it has fully dawned on me what I am really dealing with and it's pretty scary. I took some time off last week for a long holiday weekend and it was relatively calm. We've made some friends here - a couple. The man is someone my husband looks up to and is a tough guy but a sane straight thinker. When my husband starts in on his conspiracy stuff - this man says straight to his face "dude I just have to laugh at that. That's nonsense". I love this couple!. Last Monday - H was in a the middle of an episoide - all worked up about something a neighbor did - hurling insults at me when this guy showed up on his bike. I was like "Thank God". I met him at the door and told him to come in. I was on the brink of tears but didn't say anything - but he could sense it - H came out of the bedroom to say hi - his demeanor changed but this guy is intuitive. He said ":)ude what are you so hot about?". H started going on about the neighbor and he stopped him and said "So what? Look how upset your wife is?... Is something some idiot across the street did important enough to upset your wife and take it out on her... Youre going to ruin your marriage if you don't get a grip on yourself". My husband sat down calmly and said "I'm sorry honey. I love you".  Oh I love this guy. But he can't be my husbands babysitter either. After that things were pretty normal last week. We had a few good days like the old days but I can time my watch to his moods at this point and I know he was going to start being an ass about bedtime last night as he knew I had to get up and go to work. He started in about midnight and I couldn't keep my lid on. I said "I know what you are doing and it is BS. I know you think you love me - but you just need me. I know my feelings don't matter to you because you can't feel or understand your own. It is sad to know that instead of having an equal supportive partner I have to take care of you like you are my teenage son. I can only take so much and I am in no mood for this right now because I have to sleep and go to work tomorrow to support us while you get to play your Illuminati and alien videos all day and smoke pot". I am going to bed and if you try to keep me up with your noise pollution I am getting in my car leaving so stop now". He called me c*** and then shut up. About five minutes later he turned off his phone said "I love you" and went to sleep. I had a restless night. When I woke up he was screaming at the pets and slamming doors and talking to himself. He came in and brought me some coffee. I said "thank you but what's bothering you this morning". He said "Nothing. I'm fine. Do you love me?" We shall see what the day brings. Back to work now. Thanks for listening.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Bpdwifelife]

I started writing on EP over the holiday weekend and have been reading articles here for awhile now. I am the wife of a BPD - though that isn't the end of it. He was diagnosed with ADHD and bipolar as a child but doesn't believe those things exist. I really think bipolar was a misdiagnosis but since you cant diagnosis a child with BPD it probably was close enough to the symptoms he displayed 35 years ago when he was nine years old. He is truly Borderline. Actually during a very scary period a couple of months when I was reaching out to his friends and family - his sister told me of his childhood Bipolar diagnosis - but it was his best friend who labeled him Borderline. I did all the research I could on Borderline and about scared myself to death. We are newly married. Just over 8 months. In addition to Borderline my husband is also ADHD - he told me that the first night we met - but again laughed it off and said it was a "fake disorder". I didn't see anything wrong with him. We fell in love at first sight and I thought he was just perfect. Lol. He is also Anti-Social Personality Disorder, Paranoid Personality Disorder, NPD, low functioning, serious and chronic addiction to cannabis) been smoking daily (all day long) since he was 9 years old. He is obsessed with conspiracy theories and the Illuminati, aliens, satanic cults, free masons, child sex rings - he believes the world is controlled by a superpower that likes to rape kids. I hear about all this stuff all day long and it's so tiring and depressing. He brought up a few crazy ideas when we first started dating like how Paul McCartney was really dead and the US is under rule of the Queen of England (huh?) but he never harped on that stuff and I would just disagree and tell him why that wasn't possible (in my mind) and that would be that. His dopamine deprived brain was literally on fire with dopamine when we were falling in love so he appeared mostly normal. After marriage, that changed and he returned to baseline where his illness dominates. I am just now fully understanding what I have gotten myself into.

Not to say there weren't any signs or red flags before. There were plenty but I ignored them because I was in love and blind and addicted to him. I've never been more in love in my life. He totally ignored me on our wedding weekend with friends - I barely saw him for four days except during the vows (where he cried throughout the ceremony). A week later on our honeymoon cruise he threatened to kill me and throw my body overboard. He's pulled a gun on me on himself and called me every name and insult under the sun. He does this really annoying thing when he is in a rage where he starts calling his buddies and telling them what a c*** I am right in front of me. I am our sole support and breadwinner (he quit working shortly after we got together ... .long story but it made sense at the time). I work from home so I am around him 24/7. He clings to me like glue while verbally abusing me. It's awesome! I love the week day nights he gets into a tizzy and decides around midnight it's time to start blasting heavy metal and rap music so I won't be able to sleep. I love how he tries to sabatoge my career - he has even gone so far as to destroy my work computer by smashing it on the ground and in the past year we've been through six cell phones (2 of mine, 4 of his). He's screamed at me while I have been on conference calls with clients. All of this really turned up as soon as we got married. I had all kinds of anxiety about getting married and was having serious panic attacks and female health issues just prior to this - that was my gut screaming at me to get out but I didn't listen like an idiot because I was in love with him. Anyhoo, in March we (I) bought our dream house in another state so he could legally cultivate his favorite thing - cannabis - and fulfill all of his grandoise delusions about curing cancer with his cannabis oil. Okay whatever. I am an idiot too. Literally the day after we closed on the house he went into a psychotic state that lasted about a month. I stayed in a hotel as needed until I could get him to move in to the new house without me and then retained a divorce attorney who told me to RUN RUN RUN. She said I had nothing to worry about financially - he would get nothing but I better be prepared to go into hiding and to not get him any help or get him into therapy where he may be diagnosed with something that I would be on the hook for alimony (or maintenance) for . She advised me wisely and compassionately to not become a resident of the new state and to get my ducks in a row. She told me to get him up to the new house, play nice, get a protective order and file for divorce. I got him out and he became so infantile and helpless without me - in playing nice I had to keep him in the dark - I could feel his anxiety building after a few days without me so I would visit on the weekends where he would be the charming loving sweet attentive person I fell in love with. This went on for a minute until he got nasty with me one Sunday morning and I just walked out the door and left. He responded by calling me over 100 times and destroying several things in the new house like light fixtures and the headpiece I handmade for our wedding - burning things, etc. I ignored all his calls and threats. The next morning he collapsed. I'd never heard a more broken person - he was literally begging me to save his life and I - against the advice of my attorney - told him get into therapy or I was divorcing him. I found a therapist in the new state that is specialized in Borderline and DBT and told her what was going on. She agreed to meet with him right away - that very day - and when I told him he had an appointment - I was completely surprised when he went. That was three months ago. Things improved! For a start - there has been no more destruction of property and no more physical violence or threats of physical violence. The name calling continues but it's much better. He still has not been diagnosed (his therapist is not a MD) but that is still a good thing for me as far as a divorce goes. I am still a resident of the other state and paying for two homes. This is costing me a fortune and really hurting me financially but I feel like it keeps me safe. As long as he knows I have somewhere else to go and I can file without a waiting period he stays mostly in check. I am in limbo. The last year has been so insane my business has suffered and I am trying to focus on that and taking care of myself. I went on anti-anxiety and anti-depressants in January. That has helped me - though I've never had to take meds before in my life. I have one foot out the door but I have one foot in. Now that the house is mostly calm these days I am able to see things so much more clearly and it has fully dawned on me what I am really dealing with and it's pretty scary. I took some time off last week for a long holiday weekend and it was relatively calm. We've made some friends here - a couple. The man is someone my husband looks up to and is a tough guy but a sane straight thinker. When my husband starts in on his conspiracy stuff - this man says straight to his face "dude I just have to laugh at that. That's nonsense". I love this couple!. Last Monday - H was in a the middle of an episoide - all worked up about something a neighbor did - hurling insults at me when this guy showed up on his bike. I was like "Thank God". I met him at the door and told him to come in. I was on the brink of tears but didn't say anything - but he could sense it - H came out of the bedroom to say hi - his demeanor changed but this guy is intuitive. He said ":)ude what are you so hot about?". H started going on about the neighbor and he stopped him and said "So what? Look how upset your wife is?... Is something some idiot across the street did important enough to upset your wife and take it out on her... Youre going to ruin your marriage if you don't get a grip on yourself". My husband sat down calmly and said "I'm sorry honey. I love you".  Oh I love this guy. But he can't be my husbands babysitter either. After that things were pretty normal last week. We had a few good days like the old days but I can time my watch to his moods at this point and I know he was going to start being an ass about bedtime last night as he knew I had to get up and go to work. He started in about midnight and I couldn't keep my lid on. I said "I know what you are doing and it is BS. I know you think you love me - but you just need me. I know my feelings don't matter to you because you can't feel or understand your own. It is sad to know that instead of having an equal supportive partner I have to take care of you like you are my teenage son. I can only take so much and I am in no mood for this right now because I have to sleep and go to work tomorrow to support us while you get to play your Illuminati and alien videos all day and smoke pot". I am going to bed and if you try to keep me up with your noise pollution I am getting in my car leaving so stop now". He called me c*** and then shut up. About five minutes later he turned off his phone said "I love you" and went to sleep. I had a restless night. When I woke up he was screaming at the pets and slamming doors and talking to himself. He came in and brought me some coffee. I said "thank you but what's bothering you this morning". He said "Nothing. I'm fine. Do you love me?" We shall see what the day brings. Back to work now. Thanks for listening.


Um, not back to work. H rant continues. Screaming and throwing the shop vac down the stairs threatening to kill the animals while I am on a conference call with 5 people (muted of course). Can't concentrate though. How can a person be so selfish? I can't work today and it is just piling up on me and I'm so far behind I don't know if I can save my business at all. I just told him that. I asked him calmly in my low soft voice "how would you feel if you were trying to work to support me and I was throwing things screaming and threatening to kill our pets while you were on the phone with clients? Can you even imagine how that would feel? It feels like torture. I can't work like this and we are about to lose it all. Is that what you want? For me to just shut it down and quit? Who's gonna pay for your marijuana then or your car or your food or your phone or your cable and your pay-per-view UFC fights or the roof over your head?" Head down blank face no reply. I went back up to my office. Funny as soon as my call was over he stopped screaming. But I'm shaking with anger and feel like throwing up... .all over him.

[hellosun]

Minus the destruction of property and death threats, I see a lot of my story in yours. (The ravings over conspiracy theories are SO exhausting, I comisserate.) I'm sure others here will be able to relate as well. We've all felt like idiots at some point. But we really care about our partners, as you evidently do, and I don't think we should feel stupid for that, at least.

I am so glad to read that the violence has stopped for the past three months, and that you have an exit plan, if necessary. But please tell me that your husband no longer has a firearm?

What a relief to have some sane friends. I do think pwBPD need us to have strong boundaries as much for their own well being, as for our own. Good job establishing the bedtime one.

I'm also kind of amazed that your BPDh is making progress the way he is. As you said, what you are dealing with is very scary. I do not think I would have the courrage you have. I would be out if my uBPDh made a death threat--I feel horrified you had to hear that on your honeymoon. Yeeeesh. Extremely scary situation.

It is so good you have an experienced therapist working with your BPDh. Do you see someone yourself, to help you deal with the trauma of all this?

[hellosun]

Also, I just was reading this article: www.usatoday30.usatoday.com/news/nation/story/2012-06-10/domestic-violence-signs/55496458/1 And it made me think that my reply to you was perhaps too casual and relaxed. I would like to share this part of the article with you:

A landmark 2003 study by a team of international researchers, led by Jacquelyn Campbell at Johns Hopkins University in Baltimore and published in the National Institute of Justice Journal, compared two groups of battered women. One group included 220 who had been killed by their partners; the other group included 343 who had been abused, but not killed.

What the researchers pinpointed was that where a history of domestic violence exists, certain other factors vastly increase the likelihood that a victim will be killed.

Battered women who have been threatened or assaulted with a gun — even once — are 20 times as likely than other battered women to be murdered. Those who have been choked are 10 times more likely to be killed.

Other factors that can increase a victim's risk are substance abuse, unemployment, depression, abuse during pregnancy, any kind of estrangement, and the presence of a stepchild. For people in the field, the study — and the danger-assessment tool it was based on — is the definitive guide for assessing risk in domestic-violence situations.

Please be extremely careful, and seek an in person support team to help you make sure you are safe.

[Bpdwifelife]

Thank you hellosun. Someone on experience project over the weekend told me the same thing. To answer your questions - yes he has a firearm - a glock - he is attached to it like a security blanket. It scares the s*** out of me. When we first moved in I made him lock it up in the closet now it's by our bed. He has a conceal carry, no felonies and never been in trouble. But that means nothing. I'm not in any denial about his ability to use it either. Part of his paranoid view of the world is that the world is a dangerous place and a gun evens the score. He's small - not short he's over six feet but thin - not skinny - he's in great shape but he feels small and he's obsessed with UFC and fighting and terrified of going to prison and being beat up or raped. He feels he is a target. He is attractive and I have seen other men check him out and he absolutely freaks when this happens. He's shared SOME things with me that have led me to believe he was sexually abused as a child by older large men (there were two I think) though he denies it. He brings up things that tell me it's true without saying it. It would explain the BPD. His sister is normal. His family was loving. He was adopted and I think that's part of it too - the attachment issues. His obsession with the elite raping boys and conspiracy theories about child sex rings and celebrities being forced to have gay sex to get famous or a record deal ( he was a musician on the periphery of the music industry)I can get the gun taken away if there is any domestic violence report filed and I will if I have to but to get him to a point of physical violence where I can call the cops and get him arrested - yeah I may be dead before then or it will be a misdemeanor he'll be out of jail in 24 hours and absolute batsh** crazy mad that I took his gun away. He can easily get another one and then I would definitely have to go into hiding. I don't have the emotional financial or time resources available to me right now to go through all that but I do have a plan. I have learned I can't stop an episode from happening but I do know how to stop it from escalating. I've learned that. But that doesn't mean I'm not at risk. I'm aware of that. He may be right a gun does even the score and I filed for a permit in the other state but haven't bought one - because I hate guns and though he keeps encouraging me to get one and wants to teach me how to shoot to protect myself I thought with his paranoia he might become more dangerous if I had one so if I get one it will be when I've left him. Thank you for your thoughtful reply and sending me the article - second time I've been told this in the last week. That is more than coincidental. I'm thinking hard on this right now.

[still_in_shock]

Oh dear... Wish you tons and tons of patience with him...

[Bpdwifelife]

Thank you still in shock. I try. I also just read your story and it's heartbreaking but so many similarities. So many. I completely relate to the change in appearance too. I also met my h online - the 2nd person I ever met in person line after only two months of dating online. We texted that day and he sent me a FB friend request so I could see he was real. He was real with over 1000 friends and hundreds of pics but what struck me was how different he looked in each pic. Some pics he was absolutely gorgeous in others he looked like a bedraggled drug addict or a scary rough tattooed loser. I didn't waste anytime meeting him - we met in person two days later and when I opened the door he was just lovely. He had the biggest brightest most beautiful almost glowing smile. I felt like Id known him all my life. And he still changes his appearance with his moods. His eyes go black his face distorts his body shrinks and he looks ugly when in a mood or building up to one he won't shower for days sometimes and he stinks. But when he's "normal" he's a foxy hot guy with great fashion sense, meticulously taking care of himself down to his toenails. I also relate to the support he gave you during your health crisis I didn't go through anything like that but I had a uterine cancer scare and he went to all my dr appts and even left work to meet me at the ER when my primary physician advised me to go due to symptoms he thought might be an ectopic pregnancy. I didn't see his "bad" side at all for three months - we moved in together after a week and we were already engaged when this came out of nowhere. I left the gym to meet him at the bank - we were wiring transferring some funds to our wedding officiant in England when he pulled up squealing tires. It was a Saturday he was two minutes late the bank had closed - and he looked at me for the first time like he wanted to kill me - mumbled some insults like stupid b**** under his breath and drove off. I was shocked and horrified. Oooh I let him have it when I got home. He apologized profusely all say and explained it away as having to with his sick mother and I accepted it but I will never forget that face the first time I saw it - in absolute and total contrast to the face I saw the first time I laid eyes on him. It chills me to this day. Of course I've seen many many many times since then. But on that day when the mask first slid off I will never forget as long as I live. Much peace to you.

[Turkish]

Bpdwifelife,

Pulling the gun siunds scary, though that was in the beginning. Has he ever hit you, grabbed you forcefully, or raised his hands like he was going to hit?

Turkish

[Mutt]

Hi Bpdwifelife,



I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. I can understand how difficult that would be maintaining a household and a business while dealing with a partner that feels like a teenage son.

It's sad to hear that you've had to take medication for depression and anxiety for the first time in your life. It is good to hear that your H has improved in the last few months. That must be scary when there are firearms involved.

You're H has a T. It must be emotionally, financially and physically demanding going through all of this. Do you have a T for yourself? You mention self care and you work from home while he's playing video games, smoking marijuana, acting out while you're on conference calls.  :)o you get time for yourself?

What does it mean to take care of yourself?

Do you have mature, supportive people that you can turn to in real life with family and friends?

It's good to hear that you have your other home that you can go to if you do plan on divorcing. You may find some useful advise by Dr. Joe Carver in the following article if you do take that option.

Leaving A Partner with Borderline Personality

Many members here share similar experiences and can and offer guidance and support. It helps to talk.

Hang in there

----Mutt

[Bpdwifelife]

Hi Turkish yes yes and yes. He's hit me in the face with my phone and caused a small cut on my lip. He's choked me threw my against the wall and one time held up two fists like he was going to box me. He's never really hurt me though other than the lip cut. The choking was scary and he had his hands on my neck but didn't squeeze. Nothing like that has happened since I learned about BPD and stopped making things worse. I'm no cowering lily and I used to "roll" with him when he'd get angry because I've never backed down from a fight. My father used to get violent too and all my siblings were afraid of him but not me is get right in his face when he was abusive even as a teenager so I have an abnormally high tolerance for violence and crazy behavior. But since I figured out what was going on and he's been in therapy he has not touched me or threatened me. He stopped all the property destruction too - he still makes threats about harming the pets or the neighbors. He's not cured by any means but im healthier and I know what to do know to not escalate things to the point of physical violence. After this episode described above I let him cycle through left him alone the rest of the day etc. The next morning I took his mood temp and realized he would be remorseful so I knew he's be anxious to talk to me to make sure everything was okay. So I waited - around lunchtime he said "was sorry but... ." (Justifying his behavior) all the animal hair upset him etc. I said " I am sorry that you were upset. We have animals and they are hairy and they can't help it. I however need peace and quiet to work from home and this has been an going issue so we need to solve the problem. I am going to ask x (his friend) to come over and help you move my office furniture into the studio so I can work out there and you can have the house during the day. You never use it anyway. " he tried to argue for it back realizing he had just lost his man cave but I won that one "it's too noisy in here it's too hot - there is AC out there and it's a better tax write off for me to have it" he said "okay". I impose consequences for overstepping boundaries but I do this now at the right time. Before this episode could have gone on all week with me threatening to take his studio if he didn't stop which may have escalated to a really bad place. No I handle things differently to get a better result and solve problems and we've had no more problems this week and a very nice day yesterday. He's moving my office on Sunday to the detached studio. He even agreed it was a good idea because he doesn't use it because it faces the back of the property and he likes to be in the house so he can see what's going on and who comes on our property etc. When I'm actually working out there instead of in the house may provide new challenges since he wants to be around me 24/7 but I will cross that bridge when I get there. Thanks for asking.

[Bpdwifelife]

Thank you Mutt. To answer your question, I do not currently have a therapist. My primary physician knows what's going on and is overseeing my meds. He also referred me to someone who had a 12 week wait list in the other state. A few months ago when I was ready to divorce I was trying desperately to find one there. All the same thing 12 week wait period. I finally got an appoint with a psychiatrist who basically wanted to take over the meds from my GP and charge me $300 per hour and refer to me to one of his therapists - a 23 year year old straight out of school for $200 per hour. Due to my health coverage - all of this is out of pocket expense until my high deductible is reached. So I declined. Here in the new state, we started marriage counseling in addition to H's therapy at the same counseling center but with a different therapist. After two sessions I realized that we were not ready for marriage counseling and H needed to continue individual therapy and I needed to find someone on my own. There is a third therapist at this center (not our MC not my H's therapist) who I am going to start therapy with. I spoke to her before the holiday weekend and we have not confirmed an appt due to a vacation and my schedule but will start with her this month. The cost is reasonable and affordable to me and she seems very experienced as is my H's therapist so I am looking forward to starting.

As for a support system goes, yes I have great friends and very close family relationships with my Mom and my brother who all know what is going on. The friends (the couple referred to above) also both worked with BPD kids at a facility they met at years ago and know what's going on. The man just offered my H a temp job that was supposed to start today (but it's outside work and raining today). So I feel it was a fateful meeting. I just learned that they both had experience with BPD and have both been in therapy for years themselves. I don't think that is a coincidence. H's family and friends (close ones) know what's going on also. My best friend and my assistant (who works in the other state) both check in with me daily. My best friend lives far away but owns several properties and is ready on a moments notice to get me to a safe place if needed. She also trusts me and knows why I am still here with him. We've been best friends for 27 years so she knows me inside and out and trusts my judgement and is very supportive and loving but non-judging. She's worried about my safety but she knows I am strong and I have a plan and an exit strategy if necessary.

To answer your other question about taking time for myself - yes I do. I spend a lot of time in the garden, reading or meditating. I leave when I want to to go to the other house and see my friends and gain some perspective. H is not controlling in that way and he doesn't invade my privacy or is jealous or any of that stuff that would make that harder. In many ways, he defers to me on all decisions and is very much like a child in that way. Though he has access to most of our funds he doesn't overspend or buy anything without asking. He doesn't cheat or do anything inappropriate with other women. I can trust him in SOME ways, totally. In other ways, not so much. Thank you for reading this and responding to me. I am learning so much here and it helps it helps it helps

[livednlearned]

Hi Bpdwifelife,

I'm glad you have a good support system and are taking care of yourself. 

I can understand why you feel undecided and are torn about what to do -- your husband can be on one hand dangerous, and then he is remorseful, and we can become oddly used to that cycle so that even in the worst of times, we know that there will eventually be a release.

Meanwhile, you're a strong, nurturing, and capable person, and have a lot of bases covered as you work through this. It's good to have a safety plan like you mention (is that the same as the exit strategy you refer to?) even if you plan to stay.

I was watching a video about "emotional first aid," how we think of physical injuries as somehow more important than emotional injuries, even though both hurt us. We'll tend to the physical injuries, and dismiss the emotional ones. Your comment that "the choking was scary and he had his hands on my neck but didn't squeeze" made me think of that because you separate what hurts you emotionally from what hurts you physically. Do you feel a difference when you change one small word in that sentence?

"The choking was scary and he had his hands on my neck AND he didn't squeeze."

This is very complicated love.



LnL

[Bpdwifelife]

Thank you livednlearned what great questions. I hadn't thought of it that way. The emotional injuries are far worse as long as you don't lose an eye or your life or something I guess. But I am guilty of inflicting both on him also. I have slapped him in the face twice - HARD and pulled his hair. The emotional injuries I inflicted on him were worse. I've also reacted badly to his behavior - again - before I knew what it was and have deeply hurt him with my insults toward him and character assasinations. I forgive myself for those things because when you live in an insane place after awhile it becomes normal and you become crazy too - if you let yourself go there - which sadly I did. So it does not excuse his behavior but I have my own responsibility in contributing to what became a very dangerous situation. I read something in the Lessons yesterday about having more responsibility for the relationship as the more emotionally healthy one... .it wasn't until I started behaving in more emotionally healthy ways did anything improve between us. I began exerting my own authentic power - spiritual presence and strength and he took quick note of that and knew I wasn't going to roll around in the mud with him anymore. He did not want to lose me and he knew he was about to  so he took steps to catch up. Because I am not mentally ill and was only temporarily insane by love (oh those love hormones), I was able to get a grip and see what I was doing not only to myself but to him too. I don't think there will be any more physical violence here but it hasn't been long enough to know that for sure and I know my H's self awareness is only slight and his ability to cope is severely handicapped so I have both a plan to keep us both safe and an exit strategy if I need to leave him behind in life. I have both a daily plan to live by and an exit plan to escape. My h has no plan. He has no resources and is utterly dependant on me. He has no foresight. He is very low functioning. He has gotten by in life by moving around as a free spirit peace loving hippie type and living off his incredible charisma which pulls others to him and then when he falls apart he runs away. He has moved around constantly all his life - living on other people or working at places he could live at too. I am the first serious relationship he's had. He never even lived with a woman longer than a month or two in his whole life. We met when he was 43. I know he would just be lost without me and is terrified of me leaving him. But as I always tell him "We are responsible for ourselves in life and it is our job to make our selves happy". I can't live for him. I have to live for myself. We have no real strings keeping us together - no kids no shared business or shared complex finances etc. I am with him because I love him and because I am growing in this relationship and I feel I am where I am suppossed to be today. But tomorrow is another day and tomorrow isn't even promised so I take it day by day. On days like Monday when he was episodic - its really hard but I felt better about myself at the end of that day than on the good ones because of how I handled myself - it had nothing to do with how he behaved. He was out of control but I stayed in control - of myself. That feels amazing. When he fights his urges to rage - which I have seen him do - he feels better about himself. It gives him more confidence that he can do that - that he can have some control over himself. He becomes proud of himself as he should be. But he has very little understanding of how his behavior affects others overall. He does not have that capacity at this point to see himself clearly. Maybe he never will. But we are okay today. Thank you so much. 

[livednlearned]

Hi Bpdwifelife,

How are you doing? You have done a lot of work to center yourself, it reminds me of wisemind from dialectical behavior therapy (or mindfulness).

What are some specific behaviors you are currently working on? Boundaries while you work at home? Other boundaries?

[Bpdwifelife]

Thanks livednlearned. I am not doing well at all. uBPDh has been in a rage cycle since last weekend - all of the progress we've made out the window and I lost it with him on Tuesday and have been punished ever since. I got up an hour earlier than him this morning and had an hour of peace before hearing him stir. First words out of his mouth before hed even left the bedroom (I was in the kitchen) were "That b*** better stay out of my f****** way today". When he walked out of the bedroom and saw me he laughed and said "Guess not! guess I'll have to put up with the c*** today" but this will be fun". Rather sadistic. I then proceeded to record a 30 minute verbal assault. I've been recording his rants and rages since March. This one was particularly bad. He has also decided to stop therapy because his T "is a joke" and she has more wrong with her than he does. "I can run circles around that b***". So I am back to a very dark place. I start therapy on Wednesday but that feels like so far away from now and I am in so much pain, it hurts inside my chest area like I'm all tight and stiffling a choke. I want to cry but I know that seeing me cry while make him meaner. My only option now is to ignore him. I'm planning on leaving this afternoon to go to the other house for the weekend. He went to the store to get dog food. I don't want to leave my pets alone with him and I am thinking of taking the dogs and one of the cats with me but I know if I do that will escalate and I am sure he is back in the property destruction mentality. I realize I contributed to this latest cycle when I lost it with him on Tuesday but it is so hard to realize you have made so much progress and then go backwards into despair. 

[still_in_shock]

Do what is your strategy? Are you planning to divorce him?

[livednlearned]

Getting yourself to safety is important, and let things cool down so you can think clearly. Based on his past behavior, what do you think he will do in response?

Has he ever been violent to the pets before?

Please post to let us know you are safe, Bpdwifelife. We are here for you. 

[Bpdwifelife]

I'm staying he's in property destruction mode he just destroyed all my house plants tearing them apart from root to root. Some I've had for 15 years. I posted at length on here today earlier with Mutt about why I decided to stay this weekend. No he has never harmed the pets but he threatens to and he is very mean to one of my dogs who's a really good boy but is protective of me and he's let him loose 4 times. We live on 20 acres in the middle if nowhere. I had to drive around for hours to find him the first and by some miracle I took a weird turn down a street that met a creek and he was in there totally lost about 1.5 miles away so if I hadn't gone looking for him right then I wouldn't have found him. Strangely the other 3 times he came back on his own after of course I spent hours looking for him each time. He is always on a 50 foot lead when we take him out now but if h is in a rage I can't trust that he won't let him out loose and I won't ever find him. He's overly nice to my other dog and he has his favorite cats that would be safe but others not so much. He's in a calm state now as I got my head together and after about 2 hrs of raging after destroying my house plants (very sad about this and I've saved and repotted what I could but it's still a big loss). Now shes remorseful and just kisses me and apologized. I told him he needs to go back to therapy and he said he will think about over the weekend. I also called the friend to move my office and he's coming one evening next week to do it. I start therapy on Wednesday. Thanks for checking in one me - this site is a lifeline for me right now.