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Skills we were never taught
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Author Topic: He's never satisfied...  (Read 620 times)
Ceruleanblue
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« on: July 08, 2015, 12:20:47 AM »

Tonight, I had a talk with BPDh concerning my needs. Now, most of my needs, I meet myself or through family and friends. I've come to resent this though, so thought we should talk about it. The conversation went mostly good, but he threw in some things that really got me angry(I stayed calm though), and feeling badly.

I've been giving him a lot of sex, which isn't always fun for me as he's sexually selfish at times, and he seems to enjoy hurting me during sex. After I'd talked about how I feel my "love tank" is empty, and what my two love languages are(small gifts and words of affirmation), he goes right into how he wants blow jobs, and that I turned him down a couple times for sex. We've been having frequent sex, and I know tons of guys would consider them blessed to be getting it that often! But as always, he has to focus on something he's not getting. I'm sorry(not really), but I just am not into giving him bj's when the relationship is so off balance. I already feel I'm just sex to him. He also made it sound like I should never turn him down, no matter my mood or how I'm feeling, and like he should just be able to demand sex, and I put out.

This attitude of his hurts and angers me. He so terribly narcissistic, that he just can't see that I try so hard to please him, but there are extents I'm no longer willing to go to until things have a slightly better balance. Plus, I almost feel like he could have a sex addiction. I think 4-5 times a week is a good average. And the more I try, the more he wants.

How does every talk I try to have with him turn into HIM, and his wants and desires? He said he'll try to do better, but we've had this exact talk so many times. He works right across from a mall, and I'd be just as happy with a card or my favorite candy bar. It's the thought that counts. It's knowing he thinks of me. I think because I've asked for small tokens, or words of affirmation, he feels controlled, and now just won't do it, no matter what. Boy, he expects me to fulfill so many of his desires though.

Why can't he just be happy? Why does he always focus on one small thing he's not getting(or at least not that often)? Is it just because he enjoys or gets something out of being discontent? I try to focus on things that can make me happy. I do things that will make me happy. So does he, but he doesn't ever seem any happier.

I have very few expectations from him, but I feel what I'm asking for is truly not much. Maybe for him though, it is? It's so easy for me to meet his love languages which are basically physical touch(including sex), and spending time. Both very easy for me, plus I tend to love him the way I'd like to be loved, and I buy him things, and also give him words of affirmation.

I just don't know why he's so terribly resistant, and why it's so hard for him? He sure doesn't have trouble remembering what HE wants, or needs. He sure doesn't focus on how much he's getting in regards this. He acknowledged I'm very affectionate, and that we have quite a bit of sex, but he says he wants MORE. This is what makes me wonder if it's a slight addiction? To him, sex seem to be about domination, and control.

How best to deal with this? I want to make him happy, but I'm not willing to do things that make ME uncomfortable at this time. If I were him, I'd rush out and buy a token something, and be all about those words of affirmation, but I know he likely won't. I've thrown myself into so many things he's been interested in, and it just feels like he refuses to make the same effort.

When he's actually done something that makes me feel loved, I make sure to brag, hoping he'll do it again. This didn't seem to ensure it would though. Positive reinforcement works great for me, but it falls flat on him.

I know he loves me, but it sure is hard to actually FEEL he does, when he has such issues showing it in ways that make me feel loved. How best to deal with this?

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married21years
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« Reply #1 on: July 08, 2015, 01:10:17 AM »

for my wife sex was the only way she could let herself get close to me.

we have now entered a phase where she feels guilty for receiving pleasure from me.

we are working through this and trying to increase intimacy
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lemon flower
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« Reply #2 on: July 08, 2015, 03:41:48 AM »

it is possible that he does have a sex addiction, I read on these boards that it is relatively common to people with BPD to suffer from one or several addictions, and a sex-addiction can be one of them.

my ex-bf was acting very similar, he had a very large appetite for sex, he could do it any time and he was very demanding, almost pleading, for it, and moaning if I refused it.

(now that we are separated, he hasn't had sex for more than one year, but he is masturbating daily)

there are many reasons that sex is so important to them, it has a fysical component (reducing stress and uncomfortable feelings) and a mental component , his self-esteem was directly related to it, although very often he felt as if he failed, which then resulted in frustration and blaming me for things, and he had to be praised constantly for his looks and his maculinity

unfortunately the emotional component to sex was very poor, not integrated in the actual love-making, with was a cause of frustration to me.

to my opinion, sex with a person with bPD feels like walking through a minefield, at times it can be fun and satisfiying, but you never now when a mine could explode... .
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Ceruleanblue
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« Reply #3 on: July 08, 2015, 11:28:52 AM »

Yeah, that's it exactly. It's like a mine field. He has erectile dysfunction, and low testosterone, and he spend the first few months we started dating worrying if I could "put up with it". Heck, we didn't even have sex right away, but he made sure to let me know about the ED(which I'm glad he shared with me). I didn't find it to be a huge issue, but some of his weird sexual ideas are. He IS demanding, and he compared me sexually to his ex, as in "you can't do that... .she could". YUCK!

It's like no matter what I do, he still wants more. I've been giving him frequent sex, so now he complains about bj's which I'm just not mentally able to do now, due to how I feel about a few things. It's always more, more, more. When he left me last year, he was saying he wanted sex with other women, sex with specifically an Asian woman, two women at once, and also to get into BDSM, and yeah, he MISSED PORN(which we'd agreed prior to our marriage wouldn't be part of our lives as it ruined my first marriage).

His complaining now seems like he's again falling into the pattern of being discontent, and it does somewhat smack of a slight sex addiction. I get that men need sex, and some more of it than others, but it's more the fact that he feels sexually deviant in some ways(enjoying hurting me), and that it's just never enough. I swear we've had sex three times on a weekend before, and I'd be in his head he's still complaining.

Sex seems so linked to everything for him. For me, it's just a part of my life, but my sexual being isn't my whole life. It's weird. And to him, I get the feeling that sex is just sex, it doesn't have to mean love at all. It's like scratching an itch, which makes it totally not sexy for me. I feel I could be anyone, and he'd be just as happy. It just doesn't feel personal, I guess?

I'm not going to cave and meet his BJ demands. I'm tempted to, but he can't keep amping up what he wants/needs all the time. There is a constant hoop. If I do this, would he then demand a three way, which I'd NEVER DO! I just wish he could just be happy that things are so much better in most all ways of our marriage, and he's getting lots of sex.

I wish he'd focus on my small needs(the ones that can ONLY be met by him... .I get all other needs met elsewhere), but yet again our talk diverged from ME back to HIM, HIM, HIM and his wants. So disappointing.

I think next time he tried to do that I'm going to redirect him and say "I'll be glad to talk about your needs another time, but this time I was trying to address mine". Or whatever it is he's trying to hijack the conversation over.

Think that might be effective?
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Cat21
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« Reply #4 on: July 08, 2015, 02:33:18 PM »

Do you want to have sex with him? Or at least, do you want to have as much sex as he'd prefer? I hope that you're not feeling coerced or forced to do something you don't want to do... .you have a right to say no and a right to your own body.
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vortex of confusion
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« Reply #5 on: July 08, 2015, 08:35:50 PM »

I want to share part of my story because some of the stuff that you bring up is stuff that I have dealt with in the past.

The other night, my husband and I were talking about his sex addiction stuff. He finally admitted to me after 17 years that he was never satisfied with sex. It had nothing to do with me. It had to do with his own shame and guilt. He wanted to do it more hoping that at some point he would feel better about it. Even though I am his wife, he felt shameful and dirty. And that made him feel even more shameful. It was like, "What the heck is wrong with me" type stuff.

It is odd because he seemed to be okay with feeling guilty about emailing other women (or looking at porn in our early marriage) because he was supposed to feel bad about that. It was wrong. He felt guilty about feeling guilty about being with his wife. After all of these years, he has finally admitted to feeling a bit lost and completely messed up with regards to his own sexuality. He is a guy. He isn't supposed to feel that way. There are all kinds of societal expectations that guys have.

There may or may not be sex addiction involved. There is definitely some issues around sexuality involved. A guy having a high drive doesn't make him a sex addict. What makes him a sex addict is being compulsive about it and having those feelings of guilt and such. Wanting to be kinky and weird doesn't make a person a sex addict either. It is the elements of compulsivity and guilt. And, if it is having a negative impact on your intimate relationships.

Like Cat21 says, it is okay to say no. If you want to try weird stuff, that is okay. If you don't want to try weird stuff, then don't. If you don't want to give a BJ, don't do it.

It is okay to take one for them team every once in a while but you shouldn't feel like you are constantly taking one for the team.

I don't know if I have shared this article with you or not: When the Sex is Too Important: https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a114.htm'

And then there is this article about sexual anorexia: www.posarc.com/partners/sexual-anorexia

My husband recently bought a book about sexual anorexia after I shared that link with him. It is really difficult to communicate that my husband can reject me yet want sex all of the time. It is difficult to communicate the dynamics of our relationship to others. After reading that book, my husband says that he is pretty sure that is what has been going on with him. He will go through periods where the idea of sex completely disgusts him and then there will be periods where that is all he wants.
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Ceruleanblue
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« Reply #6 on: July 08, 2015, 11:22:16 PM »

Thanks for posting the article. I'll read it tomorrow when my mind is clearer. I just walked away from another weird situation with BPDh. We were fooling around, and he got mad at me. I was not making the "correct" noises that he deems sexy, and I was being silly(trying to keep it light and happy), and he got up, and was clearly mad. It's funny, but our entire sex life I feel like I've been playing a role. I feel I have to try to duplicate things he'd find sexy like being loud like women are in porn. I can't just be ME.

And yes, I end up having sex with him way more than I really am in the mood. I certainly don't have a low sex drive, but as with most women, mine is tied to how I'm treated, so of course with his moods, there are just times I don't feel like it after he's had a bad day or gone off on me, or given me the silent treatment. He can compartmentalize all that, or just forget he treated me that way, but I can't.

I don't really feel I can say no to him sexually. He wanted to get into BDSM, so I researched it and threw myself into it, and he then lost interest. It wasn't really my thing, but I quickly found out he didn't want to play by any rules. For him, he just wanted to totally dominate, and the fact that I said he whipped me too hard wasn't well received. When I wouldn't just let him hurt me, it lost it's element of "fun" for him. I'm fine with a certain degree of kinky, but it just seems that he's always pushing my limits. Do this, do that.

I want him to be happy sexually, and in other ways too, but I'd like to also feel I'm allowed to say no without resentment or complaints. I'd like him to stop throwing what he wants in my face, and for him to be happy with what he's getting. It's like he's always looking for something to be discontent with.

I'm so hurt after he barged off mid romp, that I don't even feel like sleeping with him tonight. He's like a landmine, that is the truth. He has preset ideas of how I'm supposed to behave, and when I don't act that way, he punishes me. I'm fine with him having a high sex drive, but I'm not fine with him guilting me into having yet more sex with him, when we are already doing it a lot.

I dated a guy who I'm pretty sure was a sociopath, but even our sex life was way, way more uncomplicated, and better than BPDh's and mine. I just wish the BPD could be left outside the bedroom door!
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vortex of confusion
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« Reply #7 on: July 09, 2015, 12:18:01 AM »

I want him to be happy sexually, and in other ways too, but I'd like to also feel I'm allowed to say no without resentment or complaints. I'd like him to stop throwing what he wants in my face, and for him to be happy with what he's getting. It's like he's always looking for something to be discontent with.

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries!

I am not sure how to explain this because it has been a long process for me. I remember when I felt just like you describe above. I had to figure out that I could absolutely positively say NO. I have the power to say NO at any point in time. The tricky part was dealing with my husband when he would get snotty about it. He would act like a little child that wasn't getting his way. I would get mad and give in and then I would be resentful about giving in.

So, I had to stop giving in. And, I had to stop taking his, not sure how to describe it, goofy behaviors personally. How would you deal with a child that is pouting and being a dork because he didn't get his way? You do what you need to do and let the kid deal with not getting his way. I know that sounds horrible but that is the only way I know how to describe it and get even close to what I am trying to explain. If a kid throws a fit and you give in, are you mad at the child for acting like a child or do you try to remember not to give in the next time?

If he is looking for a reason to be discontent, then what makes you think that you have the ability to make him happy? In all seriousness, if he is looking for reasons, he is going to find them. You can't remove his reasons to be unhappy. That is on him, not you. Worry about YOU. Focus on what you want and what you need. If he is demanding more from you than you can give, set a boundary around it. It will likely get much worse before it gets better.

When it gets better, you will be able to breathe again and you will wonder why you didn't change things sooner. I know because I am there. My husband doesn't bug me for sex any more and he doesn't take it personally when I say no and/or don't initiate. We have come a really long way. That didn't happen until I stood up and took the bull by the horns and stopped letting his petulance sway me into doing things that I didn't really want to do.

Excerpt
I'm so hurt after he barged off mid romp, that I don't even feel like sleeping with him tonight.

Don't sleep with him. Go sleep on the couch or in another room. It is absolutely okay to protect yourself and give yourself some space. My husband and I did a bunch of push/pull stuff around sleeping in the same bed together. Our sleeping arrangements became a huge issue for a while. One day I realized that I just don't like sleeping next to him. I sleep much better on the couch or on the floor in the kids' room. He snores too loud and is a bed hog and when I sleep next to him I have to deal with feeling like I should offer him sex. If I don't sleep in the same bed, then I can avoid all of that BS and actually sleep.


Excerpt
He's like a landmine, that is the truth. He has preset ideas of how I'm supposed to behave, and when I don't act that way, he punishes me. I'm fine with him having a high sex drive, but I'm not fine with him guilting me into having yet more sex with him, when we are already doing it a lot.

How is he punishing you? What are his specific behaviors? I ask because I said the same thing for a while. My husband's version of punishment was being a passive aggressive dork for a while. I found out that I could ignore him and go about my business. And, I found out that he would stop guilting me if I stopped taking the bait.

What reason does your husband have to stop acting the way he is acting? You complain about what he is doing yet you give in. His antics clearly work rather well. He gets what he wants. I know that what I am saying sounds harsh. It is a hard pill to swallow. I couldn't swallow it for the longest time. I wondered why I had to be so mean. I wondered why he couldn't just knock it off. He couldn't knock it of because it worked so well for him.

Excerpt
I dated a guy who I'm pretty sure was a sociopath, but even our sex life was way, way more uncomplicated, and better than BPDh's and mine. I just wish the BPD could be left outside the bedroom door!

AMEN to this! My husband and I are now in a period of hardly any sex at all and we don't even sleep in the same bed. Oddly enough, I am okay with that. It is a much needed respite from living with worrying about whether or not I was making him happy. Now, I am worrying about making me happy. I take him into consideration and try to be loving and compassionate but he is no longer my main focus. I am my main focus.
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Ceruleanblue
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« Reply #8 on: July 09, 2015, 12:57:04 AM »

I think you are right, he does do this because I tend to cave in some areas. I have much higher boundaries on the whole, but the sex thing is harder for me to set boundaries around. I think because I'm scared of him going back to "wanting to sleep with other women" if I don't meet his sexual needs to HIS quota. He was saying that before he walked out on me last year. In fact he did sleep with some lady who probably had sex for money(with others, not him), when we'd only been separated a few weeks. So clearly he was not making good decisions for himself. He couldn't even find someone with some class? I'm still hurt that he did this.

I think my fear of his not being sexually satisfied keeps me having sex at certain times when I'd rather not. I do need to be able to say NO, even if I'm fearful.

I am getting a whole lot better at ignoring his goofy behaviors. His crazy behaviors used to make me nuts, but now I'm much more able to write it off as "more of the same".

I didn't end up staying on the couch, but I did until he'd fallen asleep. He sleeps like the dead, so I don't fear he'll wake up and want sex. I used to wake him up in the middle of the night for sex, and he used to love that. I don't do that anymore because I just don't feel like it, probably due to some resentment I have. I feel he gives ZERO effort in meeting my needs, so why would I initiate in the night like I used to? He's still getting plenty of sex, and in fact walked out during foreplay tonight due to his hot temper, so that's on him.

One thing I've noticed is that I'm no longer allowing him to lay blame that isn't mine. I just don't pick it up, and I won't spend forever trying to make him see that it's not MY blame. He's going to think what he wants, so why waste my time trying to convince him?

And no, his happiness is not my concern. I do feel there are certain things I feel as his wife I should do: empathize and be a good partner, meet most of his sexual needs, by loyal, be a good friend. Beyond that, his happiness is on him. I don't need him to meet hardly any of my needs, except the couple only a spouse can fulfill, like sex. Other than being a good provider, and sex, he refuses to meet my emotional needs at all, so I get them met elsewhere. I do feel badly that he could so easily do things that would make me happy and feel loved, but he just refuses.

I'm going to start working on feeling less guilty on the rare occasions I say no to sex. I don't feel so badly saying no in other areas(though I rarely do). If he asked me to do something really distasteful I'd have no issue saying a firm NO. He does have a habit of wearing me down though. He begged, pleaded, cajoled, and finally got super angry, until finally I apologized to his super mean daughters, and they WERE NOT owed an apology. I'm still mad that he just wouldn't stop hounding me about it, and I was hurt by having to apologize, and it went very badly for me. Plus, it made things worse, not better. I am glad though that I no longer have to hear him complaining that I "wouldn't apologize", and holding it against me.

I'm sure in the future there will be something else he's demanding I do, and next time, I'm not caving. I felt worse after I caved, and I paid a high price for nothing.
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lemon flower
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« Reply #9 on: July 17, 2015, 04:32:57 AM »

Thanks for posting the article. I'll read it tomorrow when my mind is clearer. I just walked away from another weird situation with BPDh. We were fooling around, and he got mad at me. I was not making the "correct" noises that he deems sexy, and I was being silly(trying to keep it light and happy), and he got up, and was clearly mad. It's funny, but our entire sex life I feel like I've been playing a role. I feel I have to try to duplicate things he'd find sexy like being loud like women are in porn. I can't just be ME.

I just wish the BPD could be left outside the bedroom door!

and I wish they could switch their thoughts out... .

isn't sex supposed to get you out of your head and into your body ?

my friend never got out of his body unless he was really really drunk, then he was much more sponteaneous, loving and relaxed, though still demanding at times.

now that he quit drinking (which makes him a much more agreeable person in social behaviours) I notice that he starts to compulsively analyse his sex-life again, and all the confused thoughts around that are coming back.

he has been advised by his therapist to visit a sexuologist, I hope that could help him in clearing things out and building a better self-esteem... .
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living in the past
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« Reply #10 on: July 17, 2015, 07:43:28 AM »

You sound like such a lovely person,he dosen't know how lucky he is to have you in his life,and one day ( you can fill in the rest ),i read a story once about a dog that treats me better than a person with BPD and they sh@$ on my living room rug,not saying this relates to you,because i don"t know your husband, only what i just read hear,i guess you deal with it my doing your sharing and research here,and putting yourself first,being good to yourself,best wishes to you.
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